Meet Dennis Tuttle. ESPN.com would have you believe the following sentence:
Dennis Tuttle is a freelance contributor based in the Washington, D.C., area.
My guess is that he hails from a Washington, D.C.-area government home for humans with the intelligence of penguins.
Consider:
"At a time when baseball executives and managers rely heavily on advanced stats, computer printouts and the percentages of probability, the one element of a player that can never be accurately measured is his heart."
>> Ladies and gentlemen, I believe Dennis Tuttle has opened his article with the last line of hamfisted voiceover from the Dennis Quaid vehicle The Rookie.
"While baseball, in particular, coddles the player of physical means and draft elitism, many times the personality and profile of a winning team is defined by that low-rent, hardscrabble, nothing-to-lose dirtbag commonly known as the "grunt."
>> Baseball "coddles" players of physical means? You mean good players? You mean players that are the most valuable? You mean the best players of baseball, THE GAME THAT YOU ARE PLAYING?
And what the hell is a "player of draft elitism?"
Look, Tuttle, all I ever hear is how gritty guys like Scott Podsednik are, or how freaking hard little Davey Eckstein has to play to keep up with the big, mean, talented guys. Who's coddling A-Rod? He gets shit on day in and day out because everyone knows he doesn't "come up big when it counts." Meanwhile, he's one of the greatest players to ever play.
"This type of player succeeds off heart, desire and brimstone. He is usually a low draft choice or amateur free agent; he has subliminal talents or a physical imposition; and he most always has to force himself onto the major-league roster."
>> That is not what "subliminal" means. Jesus. And while we're at it, that is not what "imposition" means. Who is this guy?
Wait. I guess he's talking about guys who have talents that exist below the threshold of consciousness. Like Jose Mesa. Great subliminal talent. I hear he carries tiny placards that say "STRIKE OUT" on them, and he flashes them at the batter every time the count reaches two strikes.
These subliminal guys must be the same guys who keep using brimstone to win ballgames.
"No two grunts are alike. They come in various sizes, emotions and needs. There are ageless grunts (Braves' Julio Franco, 46), diminutive grunts (Cardinals' David Eckstein, 5-7), stubborn grunts (Nationals pitcher Livan Hernandez), gritty grunts (Orioles' Brian Roberts), specialty grunts (Astros' Orlando Palmeiro), utility grunts (Tigers' Placido Polanco) and rambunctious grunts (Red Sox' Kevin Millar)."
>> Kevin Millar is a first baseman with a .381 slugging percentage. If I'm listening correctly to what you're saying, a team of grunts would be utterly terrible.
And what about Scott Podsednik? How can you write about intangibles without mentioning Scott Podsednik?
"There's even Grunts Synonymous, as the White Sox' Scott Podsednik, the Brewers' Brady Clark and the Twins' Glenn Williams spent long, hard years in the minors before getting their big breaks. Now, they are succeeding in the big leagues."
>> Thank God. I was afraid you were going to leave AL MVP candidate Scott Podsednik out of the conversation.
AND THAT IS NOT WHAT "SYNONYMOUS" MEANS. THE WORD YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IS "ANONYMOUS."
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