FIRE JOE MORGAN: How to be Magically Bad

FIRE JOE MORGAN

Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

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Monday, August 29, 2005

 

How to be Magically Bad

Steve Phillips, I can't believe someone put you in charge of a major league baseball team.

Bryan (Fayetteville):
Among all the teams in the chase for the AL Wild Card, pick one player who could impact their team the most by stepping up the batting?

Steve Phillips: The key guy for the Angels is Rodriguez. He has to stabilize the end of their games for the Angels to have a chance. The Yanks need Musinna and Johnson to pitch like the aces they are. The Indians need Kevin Millwood to pitch well enough to win, not well enough to lose. Pitchers can't complain about run support this late in the season. If your team scores 2, then hold your opponent to 1. Millwood has pitched well but not well enough to win.

>> Kevin Millwood has the fifth-best ERA in the AL. He has a better WHIP than Roy Oswalt, A.J. Burnett, and Randy Johnson.

But he can't score runs for his team. Pitchers aren't allowed to do that in the AL.

If your team scores 2, then hold your opponent to 1.

>> Kevin Millwood has, in fact, allowed 1 ER four times this season. His record in this four outings? One win, two losses, and one no-decision. Guess he should have thrown a lot more complete game shutouts.

Actually, in four of his losses, his team scored zero runs, so maybe that wouldn't have helped that much. In Millwood's 11 losses, his team has scored an aggregate of 13 runs.

But sure, he's pitched well enough to lose.

Consider that phrase: "well enough to lose." If you think it makes sense, please consult a doctor. You may have been the victim of a Phineas Gage-style mishap in which a pole is lodged inside your skull and certain parts of your brain.

EDIT:
I can't believe I missed this, but Bryan from Fayetteville's question specifically ends with "pick one player who could impact their team the most by stepping up the batting?" (emphasis mine)

Phillips names four players, all of them pitchers.

The rest of the post still stands.

Labels: ,


posted by Junior  # 3:04 PM
Comments:
Junior -- I think you failed to point out the most obvious insanity here. The question is: which player can help his team the most by stepping up the batting. And then Stevie P. comes back hard with a list of pitchers. It's a rare FJM double-bonus when a guy answers the entire question wrong, and within that wrong-answer he has a new, and even worse, wrong answer.
 
Excellent. My nominee for the answer to Bryan's question is Steve Finley. All he has to do is start hitting like a decent major league shortstop and he'll be a huge upgrade over Steve-Finley-thus-far.
 
Hmm. As far as thinking the statement "well enough to lose" makes any sense, I think it depends just how Phineas Gage-like the hypothetical mishap is. Because in Gage's case, the dude didn't really lose any reasoning skills. He became, well, pissy. Irritable, moody. But aside from his personality, most of his brain function remained intact.

Which is to say, even post-accident Phineas Gage could have told you that "well enough to lose" is a phrase that should never be used when discussing anything.
 
I know that Phineas Gage did not lose the capacity to reason; in fact, there is almost no doubt he would have run the Mets better than Steve Phillips.

However, one could imagine, perhaps, a man who suffers a Phineas-Gage-style accident who is not so fortunate. One who, due to massive brain trauma, decides to give Roger Cedeno a four-year, $18 million deal.
 
hirephineasgageformetsgm.blogspot.com
 
http://www.stevephillips.com/resumé/metsgm/toptenlist/reasonsiambetterthanphineasgagewouldhavebeen.htm
 
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