FIRE JOE MORGAN: Someone Has Stolen Scoop Jackon's Brain and Replaced It With a Tiny Jar of Apple Butter

FIRE JOE MORGAN

Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

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Wednesday, December 28, 2005

 

Someone Has Stolen Scoop Jackon's Brain and Replaced It With a Tiny Jar of Apple Butter

I say 2005, and what do think of? If you're Scoop-Jackson-with-his-brain-replaced-by-a-tiny-jar-of-apple-butter, your reply is five words and one fairly obnoxious extraneous initial: Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith. That's right. Scoop Jackson has chosen Quite Frankly as one of the topics of his year-end wrap-up, the inaccurately titled "What mattered most in 2005."

Stephen A. Smith's show
No one really got the magnitude of this. Not even at ESPN. When the deal went down and "Quite Frankly" was born, the first thing I wanted to do was write a column about it. Not happening. "Too self-promoting" was what I was told. But "QF" was bigger than that. It was bigger than ESPN.

That's so ridiculous it's hard to make fun of. How about some facts, then? The number of people watching Quite Frankly ranges from 0.1% to 0.3% of the people watching TV. If you're wondering, those numbers are very bad. Cold Pizza bad. Previously-recorded British darts tournament bad. According to Scoop Jackson, the show is bigger than ESPN.

When "Quite Frankly" aired on Aug. 1, 2005, it broke down a barrier that had been up for over a decade. And the following sentence is no disrespect to Bryant Gumbel, Michael Wilbon, John Saunders, Montell Williams, Orlando Jones or DL Hugley (sic), but … not since they pulled Arsenio Hall off the air in 1994 has a black man had his own talk show -- or been slated to host one with his name in the title. The fact that Stephen A. was given the format to do him -- to be himself, unscripted, unapologetic, unleashed -- was historical in the landscape of broadcast television.

Hold on a second. Didn't Montell Williams, Orlando Jones and D.L. Hughley all get and/or have talk shows? With their names in the titles? What is he talking about?

Oh. Maybe they weren't unleashed enough.

For a target audience of several million that are forced to watch "Being Bobby Brown," in a Neilsen (sic) era when UPN stands for United Plantation of Negroes because it is one of the few networks where you find "quality" African-American programming, the "officialness" of Stephen A.'s hosting a daily sports talk show was bigger than anything Ron Artest or Terrell Owens did to push us a few steps back. Not only did Sports Illustrated recognize it, but so did David Letterman.

Is anyone even reading these articles before they get posted on ESPN.com? I defy anyone to make sense of the first sentence of this paragraph, and the second sentence doesn't impress me. This tiny, meaningless blog was in Sports Illustrated. David Letterman has to book guests every night. They're not all winners. Kornheiser and Wilbon were on as guests, and their show is good and popular. But I guess it didn't come out in 2005, and it wasn't historical in the landscape of broadcast television.

** BONUS SCOOP JACKSON CRAZINESS **

Scoop also mentions a great thing Kevin Garnett did:

His pledge: To build one house per month for the next two years [for people who lost their homes in Hurricane Katrina]. That's 24 homes! Two seasons of "Extreme Makeover." Financially funded by one person … with no commercial return on his donation. A gesture that should have landed him on the cover of Time alongside Bill and Melinda Gates and Bono as Persons of The Year. A gesture that made Oprah -- read it again, Oprah -- break down.

I have an irrational love for KG, but let's do some quick math here. Let's assume building a home in the vicinity of New Orleans costs $250,000.

24 X $250,000 = $6,000,000

Six million dollars is a fantastic, generous contribution from Mr. Garnett. Now, let me put in black and white what the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation donated to various causes in 2004 (I assume the 2005 numbers are similar. Also, screw Bono, I could care less where he fits into this):

$1,255,762,783

That's 1.2 billion dollars. Billion. If you woke up tomorrow with six million dollars, you could buy a nice house in the Palisades. If you woke up tomorrow with 1.2 billion dollars, you could buy Eritrea.

Here, I'll put the two numbers next to each other:

$6,000,000
$1,255,762,783

One of these numbers is Time magazine-worthy!

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posted by Junior  # 5:01 PM
Comments:
I might even make the argument that both numbers are Time-worthy. (I hadn't heard that about Garnett. That's awesome.) But only one is "Person of the Year"-worthy. Scoop Jackson is barely blog-worthy.
 
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