FIRE JOE MORGAN: Billy Ray Cyrus is Singing

FIRE JOE MORGAN

Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

FJM has gone dark for the foreseeable future. Sorry folks. We may post once in a while, but it's pretty much over. You can still e-mail dak, Ken Tremendous, Junior, Matthew Murbles, or Coach.

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Friday, October 27, 2006

 

Billy Ray Cyrus is Singing

I'll be watching at least part of Game 5, so I'm going to try something new and post any comments I have under this post.

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posted by Junior  # 8:25 PM
Comments:
After Billy Ray starts, the first thing we see? America's Paperboy, David Eckstein, bowing his head and solemnly singing along. Someone call Norman Rockwell.
 
Also: David Eckstein, male pattern baldness?
 
Tim McCarver appears on my screen. Minutes before he starts talking about Eckstein: 0.2
 
Billy Ray Cyrus' Wikipedia page, on the rivalry between Cyrus and Travis Tritt:

Cyrus and Tritt's rivalry was noted by Tupac Shakur, who saw that the feud elevated the fame of both persons, even the perceived one-hit wonder Cyrus. Shakur was inspired by this to turn on his friend Biggie Smalls---for commercial, not personal success.[citation needed]

Citation needed indeed.
 
Jesus. Curtis Granderson is 1 for the series. Zero walks. Six K's.
 
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
 
Time for a real leadoff hitter to hit!

Here is some more info about my man D.E.:

"He married actress Ashley Drane -- she's been on "That '70s Show" and "That's So Raven" -- last November and their wedding reception featured an Alice in Wonderland theme."
 
We'll get 'em next time, Davey. Here's some milk and cookies, you adorable little scamp.
 
Jeff Weaver
2006 Regular Season ERA: 5.76
2006 Playoff ERA: 2.91

Justin Verlander
2006 Regular Season ERA: 3.63
2006 Playoff ERA: 7.47

Sports!
 
Verlander looks extremely shaky. And he hasn't looked good all postseason-long. I'm not going to write it off as nerves necessarily, though, as McCarver is doing over and over again.

I mean, in August, he was terrible also, with a 6.83 ERA. Was that also anxiety?
 
Fatigue could be a factor in Verlander's decline (a 3.01 ERA pre-All Star Break; 4.54 post-ASB). Before this year, he threw 113, 116.1, and 105.2 innings in college and then 130 between the minors and majors last year.

This year, he's thrown 186 innings in the regular season and 15.2 in the playoffs.

But of course, McCarver would have us believe it's youth and inexperience alone.
 
Jeff Weaver Perfect Game Watch

We're through two innings. I'm not changing positions.
 
Joe Buck mentioned that not much was made of the Tigers' acqusition of Sean Casey, "a lifetime .300 hitter."

Did you know:

Sean Casey OBP-ed .286 for the Tigers this year? He did this for 53 games.

He's had a decent career, though. It's possible he'll bounce back next year.
 
The Cardinals should go ahead and just bat the absolutely awful Yadier Molina second in the lineup. He's clearly turned the corner.

Just so you know I'm kidding: Molina's OPS in the playoffs so far is .931.

Here are his OPS splits by month for the regular season: .350, .585, .753, .626, .694, .605.

.753 is the bright spot of his season.
 
ECKSTEIN IS GOD
ECKSTEIN IS GOD
ECKSTEIN IS GOD
 
Full disclosure: yesterday afternoon I injected David Eckstein with four liters of human growth hormone, androstenedione, and a splash of SARS just for kicks.
 
I can taste D-Town's World Series MVP from here.

Let's play FJM You Fill in the Blank!

Eck's MVP trophy tastes like ______.
 
The answer to tonight's FJM You Fill in the Blank is ...

Grits.

David Eckstein's MVP trophy tastes like grits.

I've donated $1000 to breast cancer in the winner's name.
 
Jeff Weaver Perfect Game Watch
2 1/3 innings.
 
Jeff Weaver Perfect Game Watch
Sorry, jinxed ya, Jeff! I'm sure you'll get it next time out.
 
I have donated $1000 to breast cancer research, just so that we at FJM weren't donating money solely to breast cancer itself.
 
A Tale of Two Postseason Players

Player A loves the bright lights of the playoffs. He thrives in the spotlight. He lives for the big moment. He is clutch personified. Player A starts raking as soon as his team makes the postseason. In two playoff series (eight games total), he goes .471/.514/.529 with 5 R and 4 RBI. He's so big-time and fearless he wins the Championship Series MVP award.

Player B shrinks under the bright lights. He gets nervous in the batter's box. He looks tentative. Maybe he needs more playoff experience. In the World Series, Player B embarrasses himself by going 0-15 when his team needs him most. Player B may be the biggest choker mankind has ever known.

In the next comment ... the M. Night Shyamalan twist ending to this riveting tale!
 
Player A and Player B are both 2006 Placido Polanco.

And I'm a goddamn ghost!!!
 
Hey Placido, "swing away." Am I right?
 
Hey Placido, you're living in the fucking present day.

You are an idiot.
 
I just stole $1000 from breast cancer and put it towards engraving David Eckstein's MVP Trophy with the words: "Take That, Regular-Sized Persons."
 
You guys seen that Placido Polanco American Express ad?

His best work in years.

Chk chk-a!
 
Can we all agree after this season Major League Baseball will go ahead and rename the World Series MVP the Eckstein Award?

Guy deserves it -- he's so little!
 
What we have done with the number of Eckstein references in the last four days on this site amounts to a "Google Bomb."
 
I just cast $1000 in the next MNShamy movie, as an alien who fucks David Eckstein in the mouth.

ARE WE DONE NOW
 
I'm not kidding, btw. Go Google "Eckstein grit."
 
This is my Safari homepage now. I encourage you all to follow suit.
 
The Mayor!

Here's my Berman name for him: Sean "John Wayne" Casey.
 
What about just Sean "Wayne" Casey?
 
Hey.

Everybody visit this link. Just do it. I'm waiting. Did you do it? Great. I like you.

P.S. Did anyone see all the times I screwed up this comment?
 
Re: Sean "Wayne" Casey

I hate elegance and simplicity.
 
Verlander is clearly pitching to Eckstein to lock up the MVP for him. This is the most obvious conspiracy since 9/11.
 
Eckstein didn't homer there because he didn't want to kill the rally. This guy knows baseball.
 
I'll be the one to say it. 80% of that $120,000 check to the Boys and Girls Club will go to America's Best Boy, David Eckstein.
 
When you make a list of bands whose music you want to stick in for bumps in and out of the World Series, how far down is My Chemical Romance on that list?

For the people at Fox, the answer is third. They are third on the list.
 
Did I just see a foam Budweiser-crown-thing hat? On a woman, at Busch Stadium?

Wow.
 
For some reason it just sort of hit me that today could be the last day of the baseball season.

[music]
"The smell of hospitals in winter..."
 
Chris Duncan is an absolute butcher out there. Is this the sloppiest World Series of all time? Discuss (I'm talking to the imaginary people in my brain).
 
If the Cardinals win tonight, they will be the first team to win the World Series with as few as 83 wins since ...
 
It's a trick question. It's the Dodgers, with 63 wins in 1979. But they only played 110 games, so their winning percentage was way way better.

The truth is, if I'm reading these numbers right, no one has ever won the World Series while playing as poorly as these Cardinals did in the regular season.
 
When do we start reading Cardinals: Team of Destiny articles?

And what do guys do with all the Tigers: Team of Destiny pieces they preemptively wrote?
 
McCarver:

This is just one of those situations where a size 13 1/2 beats a 9 1/2.

That, ladies and gentlemen ...

...
...
...

IS WHAT SHE SAID.
 
I keep hearing Joe Buck talking about "PFP: Pitcher Fielding Position." As if it's a very common term in the parlance of baseball.

A google search for "Pitcher Fielding Position" yielded 3 results.

Am I crazy or his he making shit up?
 
Oh, good.

Varcity.
 
Center Varcity dude is not even gonna take his hands out of his pockets.
 
Re: dude in center.

On second look, is David Eckstein in Varcity?
 
A Google search for "varcity" yields 30,997 more results than a search for "Pitcher Fielding Position."
 
Varcity doesn't have a Wikipedia page or a MySpace page.

Internet, I'm very, very disappointed in you.
 
Thanks, Joe Buck, for telling me David Eckstein's height and weight. I hadn't heard the news.
 
I'M BEING SARCASTIC. DON'T YOU KNOW I WRITE A WHOLE BLOG ABOUT THIS KIND OF STUFF?
 
I'm sorry -- Eckstein is now climbing into contention for MVP because he reached on a double clutch by the shortstop?

Yes, he hustles down the line.

FOR THE XTH TIME, HOW MANY PEOPLE IN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL DO NOT HUSTLE DOWN THE LINE ON A GROUNDBALL TO DEEP SHORTSTOP? FIVE? TEN?
 
(Previous post based on a comment by Joe Buck, fwiw.)
 
Joe starts the Eckstein for MVP talk. Get in line, buddy. Way to get on the bandwagon. I was there years ago, before Eckstein's dad even thought about Eckstein's mom's boobs.
 
It's like Manny Ramirez and a bunch of guys who are too hurt to make it worth it. And fatties.
 
Reader Aaron suggests that PFP stands for Pitcher's Fielding Practice. Which, of course, it does, at least far more than it does for Pitcher Fielding Position.
 
Oh, that PFP? The one that yields 792 results (when quoted) on Google?

Nah.
 
I say let Eckstein pitch the rest of the game. For both sides.
 
Does anyone else think Eckstein's got a fighting chance of winning AI this year?
 
Hats off to the four people who have checked out the Blogger Profile for Junior's alter ego "Breast Cancer."

That must have been really satisfying for all of you (as it was for me).
 
Goddamn, Jeff Weaver is still pitching?
 
Dude, Breast Cancer Times is going to start kicking ass in the offseason.
 
Jeff Weaver has just been injected with just enough Eckstein DNA to help him push through the 8th.
 
Theory: "Jeff Weaver" is David Eckstein inside Jeff Weaver's corpse. Eckstein murdered Weaver before the game and is wearing his hollowed-out body as a costume in the top half of innings, then quickly changing in a phone booth he had them install on the field.
 
The phone booth is three feet high.
 
Jeff Weaver: 8.0 IP, 1 ER, 4 H, 9 K, 1 BB

David Eckstein and Yadier Molina: 5-9, 3 R, 2 RBI

Carlos Guillen, Magglio Ordonez, Ivan Rodriguez: 0-10
 
A little more about Inevitable 2006 World Series MVP David Eckstein.

In 32 postseason games before this year, this clutch sparkplug slugged .297 and got on base at a .324 clip. In 128 gritty postseason at bats, he had exactly one extra-base hit.

In fact, he had two more HBP than he had XBH.
 
I sort of hope Polanco is more Player A than Player B right here.

Maybe he can use his "Sixth Sense" or steal some "Signs"!

He appears to have some weird growths on his face.
 
ECKSTEIN WINS IT
 
ECKSTEIN DEFEATS TRUMAN
 
ECKSTEIN WALKS ON MOON
 
ECKSTEIN CAPTURES BIN LADEN
 
ECKSTEIN BROKERS MIDDLE EAST PEACE AGREEMENT
 
ECKSTEIN RESURRECTS PAT TILLMAN
 
LA RUSSA RAPED, MURDERED
 
ECKSTEIN VOLUNTEERS AT A HOMELESS SHELTER EVERY SO OFTEN

OKAY SO IT WAS ONLY ONCE OR TWICE

STILL THAT'S PRETTY GOOD I BET HE'S REALLY BUSY WITH STUFF

LA RUSSA CASE STILL UNSOLVED
 
[espn.com going with "In-Card-ible" by the way]
 
La Russa just said, "They refused to not let this happen."

Put that catchy slogan on a T-shirt!

2006 Cardinals: They Didn't Not Refuse to Not Let Winning Not Not Happen!
 
David Eckstein's voice is disappointingly low. Why not a high-pitched squeal?

My god -- maybe he's not that small after all.
 
Can Chevy now make an ad called "This Is Our Eckstein"?
 
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE put Eckstein footage into the This Is Our Country commercial. Just edit him into the Katrina floodwaters.
 
[yahoo! sports goes with the very elegant: "Cardinals reign on Tigers' parade (of errors)"]
 
Drudge choosing not to report the winner. Purell hand sanitizer still the lead story.
 
Re: the man on the screen right now.

Jeff Weaver or Jeff Daniels?
 
The answer ... Jeff Bridges?!?
 
Kevin Kennedy just suggested that maybe the Cards weren't given enough credit, in part because they had to play without David Eckstein for a while.

Their record without Eckstein (Aug 19 - Sep 17): 16-14.

That's good enough for a .533 winning percentage, better than their regular season average.
 
And there we have it: the 2006 baseball season comes to a close. Sloppy play, David Eckstein, and Mary J. Blige singing "One."

Just the way I imagined it.
 
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