Behind every great team on the diamond, lurking in the shadow of baseball superstars, live the role players who sacrifice for their team in often unrecognized effort. Which of these role players' best deserves recognition for their contributions as the Holiday Inn Look Again Player of the Year?
The apostrophe behind the second "role players" is sic. Here's my translation from adver-marketing bullshit-speak into English:
Behind all the great colored and Latino or whatever the fuck players who are actually good at baseball, in the deep dark shadow-realm of guys who only make $3 to 8 million dollars a year, live the role players whose jobs are so torturous and awful that other grown humans pay to see them and applaud when they walk into their offices. White, tiny, albino, and white, these Ecksteins, proto-Ecksteins, and mega-Ecksteins need more love from crappy budget-priced motel chains and you, the paying fan. Which of these Ecksteins is the Eckiest? The answer: David Eckstein.
Here is David Eckstein's name and the names of the guys who will lose to David Eckstein:
American League
Angels: Robb Quinlan
Athletics: Mark Kotsay
Blue Jays: Reed Johnson
Devil Rays: Ty Wiggingon
Indians: Jake Westbrook
Mariners: Jake Woods
Orioles: Brian Roberts
Rangers: Mark DeRosa
Red Sox: Kevin Youkilis
Royals: Mark Grudzielanek
Tigers: Brandon Inge
Twins: Jason Tyner
White Sox: Joe Crede
Yankees: Scott Proctor
National League
Astros: Chris Burke
Braves: Brian McCann
Brewers: Brian Shouse
Cardinals: David Eckstein
Cubs: John Mabry
Diamondbacks: Eric Byrnes
Dodgers: Andre Ethier
Giants: Mark Sweeney
Marlins: Wes Helms
Mets: Jose Valentin
Nationals: Nick Johnson
Padres: Woody Williams
Phillies: Shane Victorino
Pirates: John Grabow
Reds: Ryan Freel
Rockies: Garrett Atkins
Notice anything? Yep, two non-whiteys. White people: role players who are always sacrificing for the glory of the non-whites.
Also, how the fuck does Erstad get left off this list? I'm hopping mad over this. Here's my "Holiday Inn Look Again, Look Again Award Nomination Committee" Official List of Snubs:
Darin Erstad
Trot Nixon
Scott Podsednik
Paul Lo Duca
Derek Jeter
Instead of nominating John Grabow for the Pirates, they should have just nominated Eckstein again
I'm sort of torn over who to vote for here. It's such an odd mix of guys who had legitimately great seasons (Crede, DeRosa, McCann), startlingly mediocre starters (Jakes Woods and Westbrook), and absolutely irrelevant middle relievers (Brian Shouse???). A large part of me wants to throw the thing for the absolute worst player on the list. Is it Shouse, with his 34.0 innings of 1.50 WHIP ball? How about Grabow, with 69.2 IP and a 1.43 WHIP? No, wait. Of course it's John Mabry: dude posted a .205/.283/.324 (EqA of .214)! He scored 16 runs in 107 games. Wow. John Mabry.
Who am I fucking kidding? I'm voting for Eckstein.
Labels: david eckstein
