''Everybody says he doesn't hustle. He just hustled at the wrong time and wrong situation.''
Remember when Dusty Baker said that about Ramirez this summer?Frankly, if Dusty Baker doesn't like a player, it's probably a positive.
Look, there has to be some way to live without Ramirez. I mean, the Cubs died with him in 2006. He's 28, hit .291 with 38 home runs and 119 RBI. And that all sounds great.
Look, people: Lazy Guy at Work sold 800 widgets for us last year and our company flat-out sucked. Let's get rid of him and his stupid "sales," and we'll be rolling in it! Let's show some hairy balls, people!
When people used to say that Sammy Sosa's 60 homers were all hit at meaningless times, I used to laugh at such a stupid thought. But, really, Ramirez's homers were, in fact, all meaningless.
Oh. My. Fucking. Hairy. Balls.
Monday, July 24th: Aramis Ramirez hits a two-run home run in the fifth inning. The Cubs win 8-7. The home run is later rendered meaningless because Greg Couch writes an article on November 1st.
Tuesday, July 25th: The very next day, Aramis hits another home run and records three RBI. The Cubs win 8-6. The home run is later rendered meaningless because Greg Couch writes an article on November 1st.
Sunday, August 13th: Aramis clubs a two-run shot in the third. The Cubs go on to win 8-7. The home run is later rendered meaningless because Greg Couch writes an article on November 1st.
Thursday, September 14th: Aramis goes deep with two men on in the bottom of the seventh. Cubs win 6-5. The home run is later rendered meaningless because Greg Couch writes an article on November 1st.
The Cubs needed him at the start of the year when Derrek Lee got hurt. And Ramirez hit .239 until the Cubs were safely out of everyone's way.
And from those 150 or so at bats, we can definitively conclude that Aramis Ramirez will never, ever hit well when the Cubs need him. The situations in which the Cubs need him will be determined by one man, Greg Couch, several months after the fact.
No, there are better ways to spend $15 million.
David ... Eck ... st ... ?
For example, Alfonso Soriano apparently wants $17 million.
Soriano will hit 50 homers at Wrigley and steal 40 bases.
Really. You're going to state that as absolute fact. The same Alfonso Soriano who has never ever hit 50 home runs in a season, ever. Is this a park factor thing? Of the 46 he hit last year, 24 were at RFK. Plus, in two seasons in hitter-friendly Texas, he only managed 28 and 36.
The Cubs, according to Newsday in New York, are trying to work a trade with the Yankees for Gary Sheffield. He has one year and $13 million left on his contract.
Make the trade, Cubs. And also sign Soriano.
You must know a guy at work who's angry all the time and hates his coworkers. When he got transferred to a branch he didn't want to work for, he just gave up completely and sulked in the corner. Pretty much everyone agrees this guy at work -- let's call him Gary -- is a total asshole. Plus, this hypothetical angry guy -- I don't know, let's say his last name is Sheffield, making his full name Gary Sheffield -- is known to be a guy who took work performance-enhancing drugs, probably making him angrier and crazier.
Let's get this guy. But fuck the lazy guy.
That's two players, $30 million. It appears that Barry Zito and Jason Schmidt are going elsewhere, so how about signing Texas' Vicente Padilla and St. Louis' Jeff Suppan for the rotation? What would that cost, another $13 million? Re-sign Juan Pierre to what would probably be a small raise, and you now have a good team.
How about we overpay for two guys with WHIPs of 1.38 and 1.45? And then give a raise to our .330 OBP leadoff guy? I mean, all put together, it's going to cost more than resigning the 28-year-old power-hitting third baseman. But he doesn't hustle.
The Cubs are just so far away with so much to do.
And still, even after all that, there's no third baseman.
Oh. Dammit. How did that happen? Maybe, um, Sheffield can play third? (Sheffield throws a bat at your face.)
Hendry would have to find someone serviceable, maybe even give a shot to Scott Moore, Detroit's former first-round pick.
Or you could sack up and have the hairy balls resign a guy with three consecutive > .900 OPS seasons. Balls. Nutsack.
Labels: greg couch
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