FIRE JOE MORGAN

Because if they get eliminated, maybe, just maybe, Bill Plaschke will stop gushing purple prose?

I mean, seriously, does anyone like this nonsense?

SAN FRANCISCO — And so the gift has finally been unwrapped, torn open by a steely eyed team that could wait no longer, the wrappings of six months ripped apart to reveal something Los Angeles never expected.

Something in the most perfect shade of blue.

Dear L.A. Times sports section editor,

One of your opinion columns in the October 1st issue was mistakenly replaced by an embarrassing eighth grade short story.

Give me my dollar back,
Junior

Something that beats, and beats, and beats.

Goddammit. You are not a good writer. Listen, all you aspiring sportswriters out there: you can't just write a sentence fragment for every paragraph and expect that to create drama and impact for you. It's the oldest trick in the book. Bill Plashcke does it in every column, so you know it's bad.

Less than a year after collapsing under the weight of their own incompetence, the Dodgers are whole again.

A team that 11 months ago had no general manager, no manager and the third-worst record in its league has made the playoffs.

Kudos, BP. Those are complete sentences.

From national jokers to wild-card qualifier. From a winter of chaos to a summer of character.

AAARGH NO

Something tells me no one would be writing about what great guys the Dodgers are if they weren't also very good at playing baseball.

A collection of quiet veterans, anonymous role players and unknown rookies gathered as a single faceless force to shower their city with something cool and bubbly and totally unexpected.

Quiet veterans like notorious mustachioed asshole Jeff Kent. Anonymous role players like Gatorade pitchman and Hamm-boner Nomar Garciaparra. Unknown rookies like Andre Ethier, whom a long-dead Dodgers scout discovered while driving his phantom pickup truck in the afterworld.

"This hasn't just taken 25 guys, it has taken more than 25 guys, and we've known it, and we've won because of it," said pitcher Derek Lowe. "The best thing about this team is, it's a team."

Trust me, Derek: it was the guys playing. Maybe a few more than 25 because of AAA callups and such. But the reason you're in the playoffs is because the pitchers and hitters wearing your uniform performed well.

I like to take things literally.

Also, I'm nominating "The best thing about this team is, it's a team" for the Meaningless Tautological Cliche Hall of Fame.

That was the plan back when McCourt cleaned house last fall, firing former general manager Paul DePodesta just weeks after DePodesta fired former manager Jim Tracy.

In only his second full season as owner, McCourt realized he had blown it in some of his original hires DEPODESTA, and he wasn't afraid to DEPODESTA become nationally scorned by admitting it DEPODESTA.

I added the DEPODESTAs so you would get what Plaschke is talking about.

"I am not afraid to fail DEPODESTA in order to succeed," McCourt said Saturday.

That one was in the original article, I swear.

Standing a few feet away was another unmistakable presence, wearing a wet Dodger T-shirt and a starry stare.

And a galactic grin and a supernova-y stance and these awesome snakeskin boots that I might have written about before and did I mention how wet and sexy his T-shirt was? His name is Ned and I think we're friends. I hope (fingers crossed)!

The actual construction began with him, the man McCourt hired to fix things, the rookie general manager who was given a losing team and unwieldy contracts and little chance.

As a lifetime baseball man, he understood only one thing: that you win not with numbers but with humans.

Let's get serious here for a second. Of course you win with humans. You win with humans with numbers. Those numbers are nothing but a written record of what humans have done while playing baseball. Why is this so hard to understand? What's really up for debate here is how much character and intangibles matter when evaluating players. If Plaschke had a gun put to his head and had to put a percentage on it, what do you think he would say? 10%? 50%? 100%? The correct answer: he would weasel out and say "you can't put a number on things like heart and hustle" except he would phrase it in a sentence fragment paragraph.

And although the Dodgers may not have the best statistics among this year's playoff teams, they certainly lead the league in relentless humans.

The Dodgers are fourth in the NL in runs scored and fourth in ERA. That's why they're in the playoffs. The only team ranked above them in both categories are the Mets, who are third in each. In sum: the Dodgers are very close to having the "best statistics" in the National League because they are very close to being the best team. Statistics measure baseball performance. This is an irritating, repetitive recording that will not stop.

The Dodgers are not going to the playoffs because Brett Tomko is a more relentless human being than Jamie Moyer.

"You have to believe in the heart of the individual, you have to listen to that heart, that's all I've done here," he said. "I knew I had my hands full. But I also knew it was possible to find that heart."

Does Ned Colletti really believe this shit?

What a dumb question. Of course he does.

But Maddux' best number is this: The Dodgers are 37-19 since he joined them.

"The minute he walked into my office after I traded for him, I had this sense of calmness that I haven't lost since," Colletti said.

To me, that's Maddux' real best number. Number of minutes Ned Colletti hasn't been calm since Maddux walked into his office: zero.

It is a calmness that, finally, was cemented in the stone sculpture that is Grady Little's glare.

What? WHAT?! Is anyone else reading this? What?

It is a calmness that, finally, was cemented in the stone sculpture that is Grady Little's glare.

I had to see it again to make sure it was real.

I am so sick of Bill Plaschke's faux-etry. Bill Plaschke is Tim McCarver with a keyboard. Bill Plaschke is that annoying girl at the party who's somehow both dumb and pretentious and keeps complaining that "the mainstream media is too surface-y." Bill Plaschke sucks at metaphors. Otherwise, I think he's okay.

Labels: bill plaschke, dodgers, ned colletti, paul depodesta

Remember that thing I wrote about Mike Downey's unhealthy, slightly embarrassing crush on Cesar Izturis? It's like two posts down. You should check it out. Anyway, allow me to propose an analogy:

Mike Downey : Cesar Izturis :: Bill Plaschke : Ned Colletti

Bill Plaschke writes for the L.A. Times. Often insufferably. He basically ran former Dodger GM Paul DePodesta out of town because DePodesta is a nerd who wears glasses and uses computers and hates baseball. When Ned Colletti rolled into town to take over, Plaschke spurted his approval. You may recall the following sentence (which I wrote about in a post on this page):

His name is Ned Colletti, and he's an old-time baseball guy, from his affection for snakeskin boots to his love of snake-free clubhouses.

How does Plaschke feel about Ol' Snakeskin Boots' deadline deals? Just fine, thanks:

Trades Fuel Dodgers for the Pennant Drive

Moments before the Dodgers were officially a rebuilding team that no longer cared about wins?

Ned Colletti brought in 327 of them.

You know those people who say "you can use numbers to show anything" and "numbers lie" and "I don't trust numbers, don't give me numbers, God, anything but numbers"? These are the very same people who use numbers in the wrong way. Has anybody noticed this? It's fantastic. They love to spout off about how skeptical they are of statistics. Then, in the very next breath, they're justifying trades based on the number of career wins a player has. Let's keep an eye on how many times Bill Plaschke cites statistics wrongheadedly or unproductively in this article alone. Here he dramatically points out to the reader that Greg Maddux has (gasp!) 327 wins in his lifetime. Well, yes. He's 40 years old, has had a terrific career, and he's one of the greatest pitchers of his generation. Of course he's going to have a boatload of wins. Anyone reading this Bill Plaschke column about the Dodgers' deadline trades probably has a decent sense of who Greg Maddux is and what he's done. But how much does the fact that Maddux has 300+ wins really help us predict how good he'll be for the Dodgers for the remaining two months of the season? My guess is: not much. I think this was a good trade for the Dodgers -- we've seen in the Downey post what kind of hitter Izturis is. But citing Maddux' career win total is next to worthless in this context. Except for how good it makes Ned Colletti look.

Moments before the Dodgers were condemned to two months with a makeshift infield and powerless batting order?

Ned Colletti added an infielder who is immediately tied for the team lead in home runs.

Again, I like this move pretty well (he's talking about Julio Lugo). But how impressive is this statistic, exactly? Lugo has 12 home runs so far this year. Good for a middle infielder, but a downright lousy mark for first place on a team. I mean, Bill Hall (another middle infielder) has 24 home runs. Bill Hall. Plus, how fluky is it that Lugo has even 12 homers in 73 games? If you look at his career stats, the answer is very. In eight seasons, he's hit a total of 68 taters. The last two years, he's hit 6 and 7, respectively, while playing 158 and 157 games. So something tells me his home run rate is going to drop.

What I'm saying is, chalk up another misleading statistic for Mr. Plaschke.

In the final breaths before baseball's trading deadline Monday, with his team's fans huddled in front of an empty hearth and dreading the onset of winter, Colletti burst through the door with arms full and smile wide.

First, Ned is a studly, dangerous, bad-boy love interest for Plaschke. Now it appears Plaschke has father-figure issues.

In his one hand, the smartest available pitcher, Greg Maddux.

Nice hedge, there.

In his other hand, the best available infielder, Julio Lugo.

No complaints about that. Lugo is good.

Now, if you'll indulge me for just a second, I'd like to be nitpicky about writing style instead of baseball objectivity. Will at Deadspin has pointed this out before: sportswriters love single-sentence paragraphs. Even more than this, they love single-sentence-fragment paragraphs. Take a look at what Plaschke's written so far. That's right -- it's seven single-sentence or single-fragment paragraphs. Now glance at the text I'm about to copy and paste below. (Here's a hint: it's ten more one-line paragraphs. And one two-sentence graph -- to throw people off!)

In his wallet, every top Dodgers prospect remained.

In baseball parlance, a two-run walk-off homer.

"I don't think we're that far away," Colletti said. "This should give everybody a lift."

A lift in attitude, from the clubhouse kids to the top-level ushers, everyone realizing this new Dodgers administration will refuse to give up on a season.

A lift in ability, with holes plugged in the rotation, infield and batting order.

And a huge lift over the Angels, who once again ignored their fans and abandoned their players and failed to add the hitter that could have taken them to the World Series.

Sure, the Angels have enough pitching to win their division, but with their recent history and current payroll, a division title is not enough anymore.

For the Dodgers, for now, the playoffs are plenty.

Even though they were five games out of first place in the awful West at the time of the trade, this move could take them there.

"There's plenty of time to make up five games," Maddux said.

Despite being 40 and struggling for the Chicago Cubs since April with the third-worst winning percentage of any regular starter in baseball — 4-11, 27% — it all starts with Maddux.

Hi. Hopefully you've gotten through all eleven of those choppy, dramatic, newspapery paragraphs. I'm still here. And hey, look, it's another statistic. Winning percentage! Plaschke, you dog, you've done it again! Maddux has been atrocious in the last three months, but you happen to have chosen one of the least legitimate statistics ever invented to show that. Did you know that Roger Clemens has a winning percentage of 33% this year? I looked it up. He must be terrible! But wait, he also has 343 career wins! He must be terrific! Such is life in Plaschkeworld.

As long as he can still think, he can still pitch. And with the stakes higher and the air thicker and the infielders hungrier, he can pitch here.

I don't know, I bet he'll still be able to think okay when he's 58, but I sure as hell don't want him pitching for my team at that age.

Anybody remember his last Dodger Stadium appearance in April? In eight innings he gave up three hits, struck out six, walked none and won, 4-1.

Sample size = 1.

Besides having the most career wins of any pitcher to start a Dodgers game, Maddux arrives dressed in a career 2.94 August earned-run average and a 3.63 September ERA.

Aaaargh! Career August ERA? CAREER AUGUST ERA? And wow, his career September ERA is 3.63? It turns out that's awful for Maddux -- it's more than half a run worse than his overall career ERA of 3.06. So on average, if you really believe that a pitcher's performance corresponds in any way to the first number in the date, Greg Maddux is worse in September than he is the rest of the year. But honestly, let's not lose sight of the fact that Bill Plaschke thinks what Greg Maddux did for the Cubs in September of 1988 is relevant to how he's going to pitch for the Dodgers in 2006. Also, that he's one of those "statistics lie" people.

Hold on, Plaschke's wrapping up. Everybody quiet! I think he's going to mix in some longer paragraphs instead of using the cliched choppy-ending-to-a-sports-article big finish.

Pennant race?

Here.

Labels: bill plaschke, ned colletti, paul depodesta

The guy absolutely hates new things. He's doing backflips now that the Dodgers have hired an older baseball man to be their GM.

From prep school to old school, the Dodger focus flips today; smartly and solidly and finally.

You can always count on Plaschke for a cheap shot at Paul DePodesta, who no longer works for the Dodgers nor has any impact on Bill Plaschke's life at this point.

Did you know he went to HARVARD? What a nerd.

Everyone knows you can't run a baseball team if you went to prep school.

His name is Ned Colletti, and he's an old-time baseball guy, from his affection for snakeskin boots to his love of snake-free clubhouses.

Beautiful turn of phrase. This guy Colletti sounds like a real man. A real man who kills snakes with his bare hands and turns them into a fine pair of boots. A guy like that would never trade away heartandsouloftheteamPaulLoDuca, would he? No.

He even sounds like a baseball man. Ned Colletti. Boy, I like the sound of that.

Since Colletti became the Giants' assistant general manager in 1997, the team has compiled the third best record in baseball with Barry Bonds and a bunch of character guys.

Colletti, 50, loves the character guys.

Me, I'd take Barry Bonds. He's the best baseball player ever. Maybe second, to Babe Ruth.

He helped build a 2002 World Series team with a lineup that featured Benito Santiago batting fifth, David Bell playing third and Shawon Dunston doing whatever.

And Barry Bonds OPS-ing 1.381. He got on base 58.2% of the time that year. And slugged .799. But Shawon Dunston was also there!

Also, is the point of this paragraph that Colletti helped acquire mediocre players like Benito Santiago, David Bell and Shawon Dunston? I would want my GM to get good players. Not impress me by getting to the World Series with players I am shocked to see make it that far.

While the last Dodger regime didn't see the value in Adrian Beltre, Colletti was signing Omar Vizquel.

Adrian Beltre was one of the worst signings of the year, if not the worst. The Mariners paid him $11.4 million to OPS .716. What a bonehead move by the last Dodger regime, letting that guy sign somewhere else for way more than he's worth.

Plus, what does that have to do with Omar Vizquel? By the way, the Giants signed Omar Vizquel, a 38-year-old shortstop, to a 3-year deal worth over $12 million. Let's hope that works out for the man with snakeskin boots.

While the Giants struggled with injuries, their first losing season with Colletti, they were still in the race in the final week, and Matheny and Vizquel won Gold Gloves.

Gold Gloves are the worst award in baseball. Worse than the Rolaids thing.

For years, the Giants have succeeded despite a brooding superstar and a mid-level payroll. Colletti has been in the middle of all of it.

Let me replace some words in that first sentence to make it accurate:

For years, the Giants have succeeded because they had the best player of the last twenty years, and possibly the best player ever.

There. That's better.

Labels: bill plaschke, ned colletti, paul depodesta