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Darin Erstad, the veteran. His first year in Houston...led the majors in hits and runs scored back in 2000, but his numbers have started to drift off in recent years.
"The Big Bopper's health has started to drift off in recent years."
"Dinosaurs haven't been quite as living as they used to be up until quite recently."
Darin Erstad has been regularly taking his ABs without a physical bat for years now, or at least that's what his numbers would indicate.
Then: was this Candy Maldonado's voice? It's gravelly, and it likes Darin Erstad. I really like this signing right here, because here's a guy who can come off the bench. He can spell Berkman a little bit at first base, a very schooled first baseman. Can play the corner outfield, even center field on short notice...
I really want to support what you're saying, man. Erstad at the very least is a versatile defensive replacement, although I'm not sure how his legs are holding up in the outfield these days after all of those years of grinding and punting and shaving with a two-guard razor. As long as that's all you're saying. As long as you don't mention --
...and can swing a mad stick still.
Shit.
... ... ...
Here we go. Erstad hasn't hit since 2000. His stick has been mad to the tune of 4, 0, 7, 7, 4, 10, and 9 home runs the last seven seasons. He hasn't OPS+ed over 100 since the pre-9/11 world.
The disappearance of Darin Erstad's maddening stickiness predates the War on Terror, motherfuckers!
And yet the plaudits still come his way. This guy should run for President of the Multiverse on the platform "I am LaserBulletproof."
Erstad Nobly Sacrifices Self For White Sox, Will Receive Purple Heart
would have been a better headline. Instead, the Chicago Tribune went with
Erstad adds to Sox's misery
By OBPing 28 points lower and slugging 83 points lower than league average, sure. Miserable. Right? Right, guys?
One of few bright spots out for at least 2 weeks
Ohhhh ... oh. I see. You're one of those guys. Funny/weird/sad thing is, the White Sox have been so bad, Erstad almost qualifies as a bright spot. The Fighting South Side Ozzies are smartballin' it to the tune of a .309 OBP, good for dead goddamn last in the major leagues. So Ersto's .311 OBP, while terrible, is downright above average on that squad. (His .341 SLG, though, really really isn't helping anybody.)
Hey, just a little heads up -- in the next paragraph, the writer will take a page out of Joe Morgan's book and use the word "consistent" in a questionable manner.
Erstad, one of the Sox's few consistent offensive players, will be lost for at least two weeks after suffering ligament damage in a 2-0 loss at Toronto.
Technically somewhat accurate. Mr. Consistency:
April OPS: .688 (terrible) May OPS: .619 (even terribler)
Second heads up -- Ozzie Guillen's about to abuse "consistent."
"He's one of my best players," manager Ozzie Guillen said. "This guy is a smart player. The way he was playing, he was playing great. He has been consistent all year long, offensively and defensively.
White Sox players who are more "best" than Darin Erstad:
Jim Thome Paul Konerko Jermaine Dye A.J. Pierzynski Tadahito Iguchi
And possibly:
Joe Crede Juan Uribe Rob Mackowiak
Those guys aren't really any good, but it's sort of a tossup between them and Erstad. So yes, Darin Erstad is one of your 8 or 9 best players, Ozzie. Also: he's consistent, except when he gets hurt, which is every year.
Erstad, who turns 33 Monday, suffered the injury while swinging at and missing a 2-1 pitch from Toronto starter Roy Halladay in the sixth inning. Erstad immediately went down in pain, and teammates feared the worst.
"If it wasn't that big of a deal he would have stayed in there, because he's a gamer," losing pitcher Mark Buehrle added. "But it's not good."
When J.D. Drew got hurt in 2005, Mark Buehrle called him a pussy and kicked sand in his eyes. Just kidding. It was Jon Garland.
Erstad's contributions run deeper than his .295 batting average from the leadoff spot.
Seriously, dude? Fuck that. I was just having some fun with you before, but that is a fucking blatant misuse of statistics, and I won't fucking stand for that shit. You say: Darin Erstad batted .295 in the leadoff spot. I say: Darin Erstad went 7 for 43 not hitting leadoff, and those at bats still count. 7 for 43 makes for a batting average of 0.162790698.
"He has been our spark plug," Buehrle said. "Since Pods went down, Erstad has been at the top of the lineup, getting on base, breaking up double plays and special for the starting pitchers playing center field.
Is Darin Erstad on the verge of replacing David Eckstein as FJM's favorite dead horse? Yes. Yes he is. Because he has the singular power to make people call him gamer-y and sparky and pluggy. And when he gets hurt, people talk about him in hushed tones like he's a war hero or Christopher Reeve. Don't get me started on Reeve's EqA in Superman III.
We've just reverse-jinxed you into a two-run homer in your first at bat as a White Sox! This is all the more remarkable when you consider that this scruffy-bearded tough sonofabitch has only gone yard 18 times in the last four seasons combined.
That's not stopping guys like Dave van Dyck from writing amazing paragraphs like these about Erstad:
With Darin Erstad, what you see is literally what you get: Toughened scruffy-growth-of-beard exterior, jaw-jutting determined look, forward-slant walk and all-out run.
You literally get a guy with a beard. You literally get a guy with a serious look. This guy literally runs. He leans forward when he walks. Literally.
He literally has had an above-average EqA once in the last six years.
Just like Jim Thome, the major White Sox lineup addition of 2006, Darin Erstad is a Midwest work-ethic, lunch-pail, down-to-earth guy. And one coming off an injury-plagued year with something to prove.
Good Christ, it's like Dave van Dyck has been reading this site and punched in every cliche we've made fun of over the last two years.
scruffy-growth-of-beard jaw-jutting determined look forward-slant walk all-out run Midwest work-ethic lunch-pail down-to-earth
You forgot "blue-collar." Also: "white."
Let's compare Jim Thome to Darin Erstad anonymously and EqA-ly, since 2001:
Yep, pretty much the same guy. Both guys worked hard (said in the same tone of voice Rasheed Wallace uses when he says "Both teams played hard.") "I think Darin Erstad is going to make a lot of difference in this ballclub, just the way he goes about his business," manager Ozzie Guillen said.
Then he is everything Guillen thought after watching him for years with the Angels?
"Oh, my God, yes," he said. "I know the way he played. I didn't know his body would be in that great of condition to perform the way he has. He went through every drill, played every game without complaining.
Whenever he is asked to perform a basic fielding drill, Jermaine Dye always cries and pulls out an actual baby's pacifier, screaming "Dye no field today!" in a histrionic whine. This goes on for about forty-five minutes or until Dye falls asleep on the field.
"I'd like to prove to myself I can stay healthy and play the way I want to play and all that good stuff. The internal motivation is not lacking."
No one ever has doubted that of the tough kid who grew up in North Dakota.
Darin Erstad: good at baseball because he grew up on the mean streets of North Dakota. Once you've experienced the living nightmare that is Jamestown, ND, you're just thankful to wake up without an AK pointed down your throat.
We've known for years that players like Darin Erstad and David Eckstein provide an extra five to ten wins a year to their teams regardless of how they perform on the field. Finally, though, Kenny Williams has given this phenomenon a name:
"Aaron Rowand gave us an edge two years ago," general manager Kenny Williams said. "That grinder effect, if you will. We missed it last year. I've always thought that Aaron Rowand and Darin Erstad were the poster children for that style of play."
Wondering if your team will benefit from the grinder effect this season? Here is a handy list of G.E.P.s (grinder effect producers) for the 2007 season:
Darin Erstad Aaron Rowand David Eckstein Trot Nixon Scott Podsednik Adam Everett Craig Counsell Adam Kennedy Mark Lemke (retired, will confer his G.E.P. to the Braves regardless)
And here is a summary of players who will not provide any G.E.:
Minorities
---
If I were a shitty version of George Carlin, I might do a routine about grinders that went something like this:
"Kenny Williams calls Darin Erstad a grinder because he thinks he's a hero. Well, I agree that Darin Erstad is a grinder, but only because I think he's really a sub."
This two-sentence "routine" plays on the little quirk of our language that there are several different regional names for a sandwich made on a long piece of bread.
It's Like He Didn't Even Know This Guy Was A Hockey Star In High School
Writers, please. If you compose a gushing Darin Erstad piece, do not neglect the fact that he played hockey in high school. Don't you know hockey players are tough?
Erstad connects with his new club Ex-Angel likes Sox's chances, happy to play center field
The way he's been hitting, he should be happy to play anywhere, honestly.
Experience is a cherished commodity in every clubhouse.
Cherished, maybe. Overrated, certainly.
Few players are bringing more of it to a new team this spring than Darin Erstad did when he arrived at the White Sox camp almost three weeks ago, typically running early.
In Erstad, the Sox signed a guy only 12 years removed from playing football
(as a punter)
for a college powerhouse.
(that he punted for)
They also have the first guy selected in the 1995 draft, a player picked ahead of Carlos Beltran, Todd Helton, Roy Halladay and Kerry Wood, among others.
This matters not one bit. The thing to take away from this is that whoever drated Erstad (the Angels) made a pretty big mistake not taking Carlos Beltran or Todd Helton or Roy Halladay (Wood, not so much). By the way, here are some gentlemen taken ahead of Beltran in that draft: Ben Davis, Ariel Prieto, Mike Drumright, Ryan Jaroncyk, Mike Pasqualicchio, and Mark Bellhorn.
Other than Bellhorn, you'd rather have Beltran than those guys, am I right?
The point is, Phil Rogers, who cares when Darin Erstad was drafted 12 years ago? That was dumb to bring up.
During his decade with the Angels, Erstad had some seasons when he felt like he couldn't get comfortable at the plate.
2006, 2005, 2003, 2002, 2001, 1999 ...
The nominee for "Most Charitable Way Of Describing A Guy Sucking" goes to ... Phil Rogers for "Some Seasons When He Felt Like He Couldn't Get Comfortable At The Plate"! At first glance, it seems Sox general manager Ken Williams is asking for too much in looking for Erstad to improve the uncertain outlook in center field. He hasn't played more than 66 games in the outfield since 2002 and spent the winter recovering from surgery on his right ankle. But Erstad is a man on a mission and you wouldn't be advised to stand in his way.
He might punt you with his college football-playing punting foot if you don't get out of his damn way.
Witness his first at-bat in a Sox uniform during an intrasquad game—going down to rip a Jose Contreras fastball onto the warning track in left-center and then steaming around second base and into third when Pablo Ozuna mishandled the hop off the chain-link fence. He hardly looked like a veteran on his last legs.
"That's the way he always has played," manager Ozzie Guillen said about Erstad's all-out approach on the back field. "That's the type of player we want, we need."
A player who hasn't slugged over .400 since 2000. Is the kind of player you need.
Assuming his body doesn't fail him, Erstad seems likely to get 400-plus at-bats for the Sox
YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKES. Guillen pictures him batting second, which would allow Tadahito Iguchi to slide into the sixth or seventh spot, or possibly even leadoff when Podsednik is not in the lineup.
Look, Tadahito Iguchi's not going to win any awards for OBP. Last year he posted a .352. Darin Erstad has not exceeded that since 2000, when he was 26.
Don't be surprised if Erstad's play is bigger than the headlines given his signing.
At this point, he basically has to have an MVP season for that to be true.
It's been awhile, but nothing gets the blood going like some Ozzie Guillen and some Darin Erstad -- now in one convenient South Side package!
First up, Ozziesmartball Smallballguillen, the professor of wrong, has commenced 2007 by continuing to be totally misguided about baseball things and is already being praised for it.
Ozzie: The appetite's back
Four words in, and you know the article's going to be a gem.
Sox skipper 'hungry' to make up for '06, starting with bunts
So problematic it's almost a parody of itself. The White Sox manager, a man who will play zero minutes of baseball this year, will singlehandedly "make up" for the last season (which he also managed) solely because he is "hungry" and he will do this by bunting, generally a poor strategy.
Guys, this is so crazy it just might work. I think we can blow this asteroid up with a crackerjack team of the world's best drillers. Come Saturday, Ozzie Guillen returns to his comfort zone.
That means White Sox pitchers and catchers report to ''Camp Ozzie 2007'' prepared to hear four-letter expletives and one-liners from their fiery manager. But jokes won't be the only thing Guillen is cracking this spring.
Throw in a whip this time around.
Throw in an iron maiden. Throw in a medieval torture rack. Draw and quarter Joe Crede in center field. It won't matter. 2006 wasn't about guys not being hungry. It was about pitching.
Your pitching wasn't as flukily good as it was in 2005. Got it?
Fact is, Guillen's offseason, which began as disappointment when the regular season ended and the Sox failed to defend their 2005 World Series title, turned to embarrassment by the holidays.
Because of the pitching. This is not hard to understand.
2005 White Sox ERA: 3.61 (3rd in baseball) 2006 White Sox ERA: 4.61 (21st in baseball)
In 2005 tons of guys had career years and the staff was extraordinarily healthy. You weren't so lucky in 2006. The end.
Now, Guillen says, it's hunger.
Good luck parlaying your metaphorical hunger into another set of Neal Cotts and Cliff Polittes. By the way, how much of Ozzie Guillen's managing genius can be attributed to these two randomly fluctuating middle relievers?
Neal Cotts 2005: ERA 1.94, WHIP 1.11 Neal Cotts 2006: ERA 5.17, WHIP 1.63
Cliff Politte 2005: ERA 2.00, WHIP 0.94 Cliff Politte 2006: ERA 8.70, WHIP 2.07
SO UNHUNGRY IN 2006.
'They got a little taste of the success and winning the World Series, and you want to get it back,'' he said recently of his players. ''They are mad because we didn't win it last year. They are hungry to do it again.''
Good. Great. Neal, Cliff, give me your hungry 2005 stats again. Oh wait. You're not even on the team anymore.
That's also when the phone calls to bench coach and good friend Joey Cora became more frequent. Cora has been Guillen's right-hand man the last three seasons and is in charge of putting together the Sox' spring-training program.
The continued message to Cora was, ''Let's get back to small ball.'' Far too often in 2006, Sox hitters failed to move the runner or get the bunt down in key situations.
Yee-ha! Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. I cannot believe that anyone believes that the problem with the 2006 White Sox was a lack of smallball -- and yet the only person whose opinion matters believes just that. Bunting? The team ERA went up an entire run and we're talking about bunting?
Plus, Jesus, just take one second and look at this:
2005 White Sox Runs Scored: 741 (13th in baseball) 2006 White Sox Runs Scored: 868 (3rd in baseball)
I guess what I'm saying is your offense made a quantum leap forward in 2006. Your offense was the only reason you weren't 15 games out of the playoff race. At the Tucson, Ariz., training facility, Cora has designated a special field that will be used for ''Bunting 101,'' and only a few Sox players have a pass.
The good ones. "Everyone has to go through it besides [Jermaine] Dye, [Paul] Konerko and [Jim] Thome."
Exactly.
''We have a different way. We're going to play games -- give bunt situations, give pointers, the way they used to teach. We're going to make it fun, but they're not going to [expletive] around. I'll be in charge on that field because we have to do stuff better.''
Not saying this stuff is going to hurt the team -- okay, it might -- but seriously, this seems like a misuse of time and resources. The team was third in runs scored last year. Thome and Dye should be worse than last year, so there's that, but the answer to a problem that doesn't exist is not bunting. It's not.
I would also say that in a certain way, practicing bunting over and over again sort of is [expletive] around. Guillen also will play mad scientist this spring, moving the top and bottom of the lineup around regularly in hopes of finding a solid formula.
Guillen will play mad scientist with a lineup that scored the third most runs in baseball to the New York Yankees and the Cleveland Indians. My guess? Erstad hits 2nd, 6th, and 8th and OPSes a hungry .590 in 1800 at bats.
While Guillen has a hands-off mentality regarding the pitching staff, he and pitching coach Don Cooper do have a message for the entire staff, as well as the minor-leaguers.
That message is: magically rekindle the improbable run of health and quality you experienced in 2005 that made people think Ozzie Guillen knew what the hell he was doing.
---
And now, Part 2, wherein we once again encounter the notion that the White Sox' offense and its lack of smallness was the reason for their non-championship-winning ways. Plus, Erstad.
TUCSON, Ariz. – Darin Erstad and the White Sox. Now there’s a match made in OzzieBall heaven.
Now there's a giant turd of a lede.
He’d run over your mother to catch a flyball, and he just might run over his own mother if she tried to block home plate.
He just might punt your mother in the tits because when this guy punts he punts to win and he sometimes thinks breasts are footballs.
His body is beaten up, not from his days as a college football player
(punter)
at Nebraska or a high school hockey star in North Dakota
Holy. Shitfuck. Add that to the Darin Erstad resume, quick. Opens up a whole new world of toughness metaphors and similies. "Darin Erstad plays baseball like he plays football. And he plays football like he plays hockey. With a stick that he uses to hit people with."
From now on, The Punter shall be referred to as The Highschoolhockeystar.
When healthy, Erstad is similar to Aaron Rowand, the popular, fence-crashing center fielder who was the classic “grinder” for the ’05 Sox. Except Erstad is faster and stronger.
And he parlays that speed and strength into hitting really, really atrociously. Like scary bad. Pokey Reese shit. I'm exaggerating. But here are Erstad's post-2000 EqA seasons: .252, .256, .241, .274, .259, .219.
“The fans of Chicago,” Guillen said, “will appreciate the way this kid plays.”
I bet they will. Dirty-hat type guy. Still: .252, .256, .241, .274, .259, .219.
Yes, the White Sox lost their way and relied too much on home runs last season, but they hit a lot of homers in 2005, too.
Here we go again. They lost their way to the tune of 127 additional runs. Adding a crazy-good Jim Thome will do that.
The difference? In ’05, they were aggressive on the bases. They bunted. They hit behind runners. They broke up double plays. They risked bodily harm to make sensational catches. They constantly put pressure on opponents.
They scored 127 fewer runs. They rode a scintillating pitching staff to unwarranted acclaim. They subjected us to way too much Ozzie Guillen.
They were 13th in runs scored. They scored fewer runs than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. They on-based worse than the Cubs and the Orioles and the same as the Nationals and the Astros and the Pirates.
Offensively, they weren't that good. And now we have to hear about how Ozzie Guillen is revamping his far better 2006 offense to be more like the shittier, less effective, decidedly mediocre 2005 version.
How hard is it to look up team run totals? What does it take? 10 seconds? And yet no one ever seems to do it but us, when discussing the White Sox. Unbelievable.
Punter. Sweet, so would I: Yet I should kill thee with much cherishing. Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow That I shall say good night till it be morrow.
A player on your favorite baseball team is leaving today. What would you say about him if you knew the following: in 2003, your team signed this player to a four-year, $32 million deal, and he rewarded you with seasons of the following EqAs:
.241 .276 .259 .219
I sense your ire rising. But wait -- what would you say if I told you his games played totals looked like this for those four years:
67 125 153 32
Easy, there. Don't go kicking a homeless person just yet. One more thing: this guy punted footballs in college. Now whaddya say?
"He's almost the last real gamer we have," Angels bench coach Ron Roenicke said.
Ah, Ersty, you old dog. People love you, don't they? No matter what you do on the field, the love affair never truly ends. You had one remarkable year -- one! -- and that's the one they still talk about. The Angels lost another link to their 2002 World Series team and a big chunk of their heart and soul Tuesday when Darin Erstad agreed to terms on a one-year contract with the Chicago White Sox that includes an option for 2008.
Big, big chunk. It's sad, really. Look for the Angels to completely tank 2007. I'm thinking four, five wins tops. All because they didn't want to resign their heart and soul. The deal, which is pending a physical this week, ends an 11-year Angels career marked by highlight-reel defensive plays, a spectacular 2000 season, several years of injury and frustration, and an endless reservoir of grit and determination.
Endless Reservoir, the new David Lynch film, will tackle the issues of identity, reality, and the human memory in his inimitable visual style. I'm becoming convinced that at the L.A. Times they must post a giant sign over everyone's computer that says "WAX MORE POETIC." This guy makes Bill Plaschke's articles read like economics textbooks.
Also: try to visualize an endless reservoir of grit. Does that phrase really work, Times Staff Writer Mike DiGiovanna?
Over the last four years, Darin Erstad has played 86 fewer games than heartless, soulless, gritless, undetermined J.D. Drew, who has never watched or heard of American football. During that span of time, he earned $3.3 million more than Drew. No one likes J.D. Drew.
"I don't mean the other guys aren't gamers, but Darin is the old-school type, like David Eckstein and Adam Kennedy.
You don't say. He's like Eckstein. And Kennedy. Gamers. Not like fucking lazy-ass Chone Figgins, always jogging to first like some sixty-year-old Jewish woman.
Hmmm, "old-school," you say. I wonder what kinds of players played baseball in the olden times? I mean, seriously. What did they look like? I want to know.
He's probably the biggest gamer I've been around as a coach. He really doesn't play for personal success. He plays to win the game."
I think it's pretty clear he hasn't played for personal success in a long time. Last season he managed to clog up at bats in 40 games with a sweet .605 OPS. But that's a personal number. He doesn't play for that. "Even when he wasn't healthy, he was still valuable because of his presence," Roenicke said of Erstad. "He doesn't say much, but everyone watches him and sees how he plays and acts. I guess you could find someone to replace that part of the team … but I doubt it."
This is the power of personality and perception in sports. With virtually any other guy, you get hurt as much as Erstad did and play as poorly as Erstad did with that fat contract and you get absolutely crucified. You're stealing money from the club! You've got no heart! You're a bum!
But with the Punter, guys'll bend over backwards to say good things. Hey, he wasn't playing well, but he wasn't healthy -- and he's a leader in the clubhouse. Well, no, no he didn't really say much, but he didn't need to. He just lived the part. He was just there. Living. Breathing. Looking tough. Having stubble. Dirty hat-ting it. Smelling like sweat, like only a football player could.
I guess we could find someone to replace his smell ... but I doubt it.
Tim Kurkjian, you'd been so harmless and so meek for so long, I'd almost forgotten about you. But then you had to go and do this. What's your excuse, Kurkjian? You're not a me-first former player. You're not 100 years old, as far as I can tell. You're not Jim Rome. Why did you --
Baseball is a game of intangibles.
Oh boy. Let's get started.
It is a game that requires doing "the little things," which can mean something as big as barreling over a catcher or as subtle as a whisper in the ear of a teammate after a good or bad at-bat.
Apparently, doing the little things is extremely sexual. Who can forget when Babe Ruth won the 1923 World Series by walking up to teammate Wally Pipp after a strikeout and sultrily whispering "That was a shit at-bat" into his left ear? I never will, that's for sure. The Giants were shocked when the commissioner awarded the Yankees the Series after that dramatic whisper. (By the way, in the 1922 World Series, the Babe went 2-17 with 1 R and 1 RBI, probably because he was a gigantic choker with no Clutch Ability.)
There are players all over the game with these qualities, such as Derek Jeter --
You don't say. Tell me more about this person, who has certainly accomplished many daring exploits on the baseball diamond of which I've never heard tell. -- who is that guy in the pickup basketball game who you look at and say, "We're going to win, he's on our team."
Until you realize he doesn't play defense. Intangible players come in all shapes, sizes and job descriptions. Here are five of many in the major leagues.
But mostly they're Erstad-shaped, Erstad-sized and used to be college football players, like that hard-nosed, no-nonsense roughneck Erstad. Here are five guys who wish they were Erstad. Sandy Alomar Jr., Dodgers
He just turned 40, but you would never know it by the position he plays (catcher), the shape he's in (he lost 20 pounds in the offseason) and the way he can still play.
He's done pretty well in the 54 at bats he's had this year, but I sure could tell he was 39 last year when he OPSed .634 (with half his games in Texas, no less). Sure, he's a backup catcher, and they're not supposed to hit, but that's exactly the point: this dude hasn't played anything close to a full season since 1998 (and even then it was only 117 games). But I guess I'm being an idiot: he's on this list for his whispering.
"He comes to the ballpark like a 20-year-old every day ready to play knowing he's probably not going to play," said Dodgers third base coach Rich Donnelly.
Because he's not good enough. He's bad. He's a 40-year-old who is bad at baseball.
"And with less than two outs and a runner at third, I wouldn't mind having him up there. But mostly, he's a great teacher."
The award for Backhanded Compliment of the Year goes to Dodgers third base coach Rich Donnelly.
Darin Erstad, Angels
His skills have eroded somewhat,
(OBPing .273, BA of .220)
his body has lost some of its life at age 32,
(SLGing .319 (!), OPS of .591) but he remains the fiber that keeps the Angels together.
Fiber that, as of today, has the 2nd worst OPS of any position player in baseball -- or would have, if he qualified, but this tough sonofabitch has missed a bunch of games with an ankle injury (he's missed significant time in three of the past four years). That's right: he has a worse OPS than Juan Pierre. That is clear in all he does, from dutifully switching positions -- center field to first base to center field; not an easy transition -- to steamrolling Braves catcher Johnny Estrada at home plate two years ago ... all in the name of the only thing that matters to him: winning.
Darin Erstad OPSes, last six years:
.691 .702 .642 .746 .696 .591
Seems like if winning mattered that much to him, he's spend a little more time in the batting cage. It's funny. Erstad's last good season was 2000. He signed a huge contract extension in 2002: four years, $32 million. Basically, since then all he's done is hit like Neifi Perez and miss a bunch of games due to injury (two things that could be related). If he's a different guy in a different city, perhaps a different skin color, how reviled does Darin Erstad become? Doesn't he essentially become a bum who got a fat contract and starts phoning it in? Instead, we get another article praising his intangibles to the high heavens. Memo to aspiring young baseball players: learn to punt a football. You'll be bulletproof to the media for the rest of your life.
That toughness comes in part from growing up in the cold and desolation of North Dakota, and in part from his football days in high school and at the University of Nebraska.
Yes, he did play football. Very good, Tim.
It also comes from his selfless approach. When once compared to Kirk Gibson in style and background, Erstad would hear nothing of it, saying that Gibson was an All-America wide receiver and "I was a punter."
Maybe. But the Angels never punt with Erstad in charge.
Good Christ, man. This worship must stop. I can't emphasize this enough: we're talking about one of, if not the worst player in baseball.
Julio Franco, Mets
He will be going back to the playoffs again this year, and that is no coincidence. Franco has become a team leader in so many ways, none more important than the way he takes care of himself, be it bringing his own healthy food to the ballpark or waking up at 3 a.m. to drink a protein shake or getting his sleep -- even if it's a nap on the couch in the clubhouse before the game.
That is hilarious. Kurkjian is basically saying that Julio Franco is so old, he has to take naps in the clubhouse because he can't stay awake for a whole day. INTANGIBLE.
Mike Matheny, Giants
To understand who Matheny is, all you have to do is watch him in the bullpen before the start of a game: He is on his knees --
Um, Tim? Again, sort of sexual.
-- all alone, practicing blocking imaginary pitches in the dirt. Most catchers never practice that; Matheny still does it at age 35.
Might I suggest that like Mr. Erstad, Mr. Matheny might benefit from some extra time in a batting facility? (His OPS is .613. This is a recording.)
No one blocks a ball better than he does, no one calls a better game than he does and no one goes to the mound and calms down -- or jacks up -- a pitcher better than Matheny.
No one? How about, um, Jason Varitek? Or Yadier Molina? Or Pudge? Or how about that guy who's a farmer in Kansas but really, really good at calming pitchers down? Oh, right. He can't hit. Just like Mike Matheny. Mark DeRosa, Rangers
Texas manager Buck Showalter calls DeRosa "an irregular regular," meaning a guy who plays every day but rarely at the same position.
Because he's not good enough.
One day it's second base, the next day right field, the next day third base, and never with a complaint.
Scene: Mark DeRosa's brain. The year is 2005.
Part of Mark DeRosa's brain: Come on, another position change? One day it's second base, the next day right field, now it's third? Why, I oughta go into Buck's office and throw his talking fish on the floor!
Other part of Mark DeRosa's brain: Hold on, other part of the brain. We're making $500,000 this year. Last year we made $725,000. All for playing a damn kids' game. This is, as they say in Brainland, a no-"us"-er. We're not going to complain.
Part of Mark DeRosa's brain: You're right, dude. Let's go back to looking at this crazy porn Teixeira gave us!
And end scene.
Showalter loves DeRosa because he's so smart -- he went to the University of Pennsylvania -- and because of his competitive nature, including his football background. DeRosa played quarterback at Penn after an amazingly successful high school football career in New Jersey.
Just like Erstad!!!
That's what we call "a winner," and you can never have enough winners on a major league team.
In Tim Kurkjian Bizarro World, winners lose to you!
God Disapproves of America's Love Affair with Darin Erstad
Game 3, ALCS, 6:40 pm.
Joe Buck: Here is Darin Erstad, who is 2 for 7 in the postseason, hitting .296. He's never had a postseason where he's hit under .300 and he has sure displayed a terrific glove over at first here in October...
Lou Piniella: Now this guy I like as a player. He comes to the ballpark to play every day. He's serious. He's got tenacity. And he wants to beat you.
JB: He rips one into right, down the line. It's a fair ball, and Erstad will have at least two. Dye digs it out. Erstad is going to try to get to third. Iguchi's throw! That was a no-no. Darin Erstad, trying to do too much, just made the final out at third base with his team down by three. Mike Scioscia with bad marks on that play by Erstad.
Today's "Rome is Burning" was business as usual: atrocious, knee-jerk, lazy, conventional wisdom-based commentary. Enjoy:
The Angels finished the Yankees in five, and it's easy to see how they did it -- with heart, grit and toughness. Effort does matter, and these guys scrap like nobody else.
Are you saying the Yankees weren't putting in any effort? For God's sake, everyone on the field wants to win. Show me a play where a guy didn't want to win. One play. Did Bengie Molina hit three home runs in the series because of grit?
On paper, it should have been a colossal mismatch, especially offensively.
Regular season records: Yankees: 95-67 Angels: 95-67
Not just a mismatch. A colossal mismatch.
Pitching-wise, this was a colossal mismatch in favor of the Angels.
But they don't play it on paper, they play between the lines, where the Angels are gamers.
One sentence, three cliches. Three!
And not just one or two of them, but one through nine. They scratch, they battle, they turn every game into a street fight.
EVERY TIME A TEAM WITH A PRETTY GOOD PITCHING STAFF BUT A BAD OFFENSE WINS, THEY'RE "GAMERS" WHO "SCRATCH" AND "BATTLE." THIS IS STUPID.
They don't make dumb mistakes. They throw to the right base. They get their bunts down. They catch the ball. They pick each other up. They do all those cornball, cliched little baseball things, and it was enough to beat the big, bad, $200 million Yankees.
The Yankees weren't that good this year. A bunch of their guys got hurt. Their pitching staff was a shambles.
The more talented team didn't win, but the better one did.
Ugh.
But wait. It gets much, much worse.
And there is no single guy who epitomizes the toughness of the Angels more than first baseman Darin Erstad.
Here we go.
He's not the best player.
You're right. He's not the best player. He hit seven home runs all year. Seven. 609 AB. Seven home runs. From first base. He's not even the most valuable player on that team.
Good. Vlad Guerrero is. Darin Erstad OBPed .325 and slugged .371. All year. But no one means more to the Angels than Erstad.
You are an unprecedented moron. Actually, I take that back. Many, many people have said this about Darin Erstad. What is it about this guy that makes sports media figures absolutely adore him? Is it his football background? He was a punter. He looks very rugged, I'll give you that.
This guy is the ultimate red ass.
The following players had a higher OPS than Darin Erstad this year:
Russ Adams Craig Counsell Greg Zaun Every Major League First Baseman
That's right: in the major leagues, no regular first baseman had a lower OPS than Darin Erstad.
He is the ultimate gamer and competitor. A guy that will do absolutely anything and everything to win a ball game. He grinds every single at bat like it's the most important at bat of his whole career.
Of major league first basemen, Erstad finished 24th in walks, with 47.
The guy is a freaking nut. He practically left his knee ligaments out near second base sliding into the bag last night.
If Manny Ramirez hurts his knee with that horrible sliding technique, he's the laughingstock of sports media the next day.
The guy is a great tone setter.
He better set a damn good tone for $8.25 million in 2005. By the way, his OPS+ was 89 this year. No one, I mean no one on that team is going to go soft with Ersty around.
I'm glad you're on a cute-nickname-basis with Darin Erstad. Hope that goes well for you.
And I'm not talking about that football mentality that he brings to the diamond, either.
Yes, you are. You love Darin Erstad, and the reason why is because he used to play football and he looks tough. That's it.
He's athletic.
He did steal an incredible 10 bases this year.
He's a flat-out whiz with the leather at first base. There aren't five guys in the bigs who make that game-ending play last night.
Doug Mientkiewicz Derrek Lee J.T. Snow John Olerud Travis Lee Todd Helton
Angels first baseman Darin Erstad – normally a no-nonsense sort when it comes to baseball, or much of anything else – wears a little leather pouch around his neck that contains some mystical stuff. The so-called "balance necklace" was a gift from teammate Steve Finley, far more of a cosmic cowboy, with the physical fitness of a rookie.
"All I know is Finley is 40 years old and he played 162 games last year, so it can't hurt," said Erstad, coming off two years of sidelining injury problems. "He started talking to me about it, and I walked away because I couldn't understand it. I've played all the games so far, so it must be working."
What's inside the pouch? The company that makes it advertises its contents as minerals combined to "achieve alignment of body, mind and spirit" and to "address the electro-pollution, toxic vapors, scars, surgeries and traumas to the skin by organizing the quantum nature of man."
Darin Erstad should probably immediately be hired by ESPN to analyze baseball.
