Of course, I'm talking about the State Farm Home Run Derby and alternative post-grunge southern rockers 3 Doors Down.
Gotcha! It turns out that combination is an unmitigated disaster! I was really talking about:
Here's how it works: I supply the Gallimaufry, you get hammered. Shot clock violation!
Let's kick it off with a tip from reader Zach G., who points us in the direction of CBSSports.com's Scott Miller. Scott has made some interesting choices for his Anti-All Star Team:
Shortstop: Jose Reyes, Mets. He's got talent. He's got speed. He's got pizzazz. He's also got an infuriating case of immaturity.
I'd say he's got talent, speed, pizzazz, and an acute case of the 2nd highest OPS among shortstops. This guy is the opposite of an all-star? Jose Reyes?
Sure, his numbers are respectable. But this guy has the tools to be great. And he won't put out to get there.
Put out? I don't know, maybe it's not so crazy. Maybe Reyes should try letting some 16 year-old dudes feel him up at Siobhan's party next Friday night.
Dude. There's going to be so much Zima.
I was there in Anaheim when he threw a colossal fit on the field when interim manager Jerry Manuel removed him from the game as a precautionary measure to protect a mildly strained hamstring. It was the worst thing I've seen on the field since Jose Guillen threw a similar fit years ago while playing for the Angels.
And, sure, why not. I'll throw down the race card again. Why doesn't wanting to play so bad that he's willing to throw a fit about it garner him "gamer" status? Why are guys like Milton Bradley, Carl Everett, and Jose Reyes all considered "hotheads" or whatever while jerks like Paul O'Neill are applauded for their fiery style?
Speak of the devil...
Right field: Paul O'Neill, Yankees.
Yes, the comeback of the year! Anybody who has seen O'Neill at The Stadium in his broadcasting capacity this summer will tell you the guy looks like he still can play. Certainly, he has a high enough opinion of himself to give it a whirl.
So, one thing that Scott Miller and I have in common with not only each other but also every single person alive on the planet is that we hate Paul O'Neill.
But this is crazyballs. He doesn't play baseball anymore, so why is he on Scott Miller's Anti All-Star list?
The most asinine occurrence of the year came in April, when Yankees fans were giving it to reliever LaTroy Hawkins because he was wearing O'Neill's old No. 21. Nobody had worn it since Paulie, but because Hawkins' first choice was one of a zillion numbers the Yankees had retired, he had to pick another. So he attempted to honor Roberto Clemente ... and Yankees fans reacted as if he had dumped manure during the Pope's visit.
O'Neill, of course, had the perfect venue to make life easier for a new Yankee: the airwaves. He could have stepped up and urged fans to welcome Hawkins. Instead, O'Neill said he found it sort of surprising that someone was wearing his number. Strange to see his old number warming up in the bullpen, O'Neill said.
I feel sick in a way that I never quite have before. I have a headache that feels like it starts in my ears and then goes all the way down my spine, and my stomach feels like it's going to eat itself. It's not because of Scott Miller's writing, but because of the position he's put me in: I now have to defend Paul O'Neill.
O'Neill said that it seemed strange to him to see his old number warming in the bullpen, and for this act alone, Scott Miller is willing to overlook the fact that he doesn't even play baseball anymore and put him on a list of Anti All-Stars. Truly amazing.
Oh, and of course:
Third base: Alex Rodriguez, Yankees.
Let's just keep the 'maufry moving, shall we. Hey -- chug that shit! This is G+L time, remember?
Reader Tristan decided to subject to himself to the horror that is "1st and Ten" this morning. And for making such a decision, he got what he deserved. Garbage...and Nelly:
I have to admit I haven't been watching the whole show, but I flipped
to it and saw the guest they have to match wits with Skip today is
Nelly. I kept it on to see what he would say, and he actually threw out some
decent, stat backed analysis of the Cardinals race to catch the Cubs.
"I think we can catch the Cubs. The point is, I think, will we have
enough offense down the stretch to catch the Cubs. I think our pitching is
where it is, I think our ERA right now is around 4.18, I think when we
won the world series it was around, like, 4.5, so I think right now we
can, but we're overachieving..." (A little more talk about picking up
a bat to protect Pujols)
Skip's turn to talk (I tivo'd back to get it right):
"I hope you're right because I have been driving your bandwagon since
opening day, cause there's something about this club I like, and I
can't really do it statistically on paper, but there's some spirit, some
character, someTHING going on there. And by the way, Tony LaRussa should
be the first half manager of the year in all of baseball..."
Nelly (primary jobs: Rapping, acting)- Knows the Cardinals ERA, doesn't
specifically mention Pythag, but I'd like to think that's what he was
referring to when he says the Cards are overachieving.
Skip (primary job: sportswriter)- Can't do anything specifically on
paper, attributes the Cardinals success to "something" going on there.
I understand tomorrow Woody Paige will be debating T. Pain on the merits of Schilling's case for the HOF.
People. There are
seven members of the ESPN staff currently announcing the Home Run Derby. If that's not reason to drink, I don't know what is. (I guess maybe if your wife just left you or something? Seriously, though -- seven people? And one of them is Rick Reilly?)
Finally tonight -- you guessed it. More Adam Dunn bashing! This time reader Derek wants us to join in on the misery of reading
John Fay's reporting on the Reds.
Four of their highest-paid, most experienced players are having bad years. Among Griffey, Adam Dunn, Aaron Harang and Bronson Arroyo, none is having even a mediocre year.
Forget the other guys -- I don't even care. We all love Adam Dunn here at FJM and we're not afraid to admit it. He gives us the kind of Three True Outcomes boner that's getting harder and harder to find in this post-steroids "emphasis on fundamentals" bullshit era that is so much less exciting and awesome than the days when everyone did a ton of drugs and hit the ball 4,000 feet and you didn't even have to worry about explaining to people about why it's stupid to bunt because it was never even an issue because for crissakes even your catcher could hit 30 home runs a year because he was doing things to his body that were making him better at baseball but of course god forbid people who play baseball should be allowed to do things that make them better at baseball --
Sorry. You're the ones who are supposed to getting drunk. I'm the 'mauf man. Apologies.
Adam Dunn is having a better than mediocre year. You all know this. He is doing the two things that are most important for hitters very well: getting on base (380 OBP) and hitting the ball hard (538 SLG). Unfortunately, John Fey has found someone to agree with him in his assessment that Dunn's year is -- again, remember this -- not just not great, but
not even mediocre.
"That's a fair assessment," Baker said. "You pay attention to them because they're big guys. They're the highest-salary guys."
Good job, Dusty.
Our hearts continue to go out to the fine people of Cincinnati, who will have no choice but to drown their sorrows in Graeter's Ice Cream and Skyline Chili until DB steps down.
If all four were close to their average big-league numbers, the Reds probably would be right in the thick of the National League Central race.
Adam Dunn, career averages:
247 / 381 / 521
Adam Dunn, 2008:
228 / 380 / 528
Alright. You're drunk. And I've always been a huge Mike Gallego fan, and he's pitching in tonight's derby. So time for me to tune in.
Thanks to reader Ted for the G+L Store picture.
Labels: adam dunn, alex rodriguez, dusty baker, food metaphors, gallimaufry, john fey, jose reyes, nelly, paul o'neill, scott miller, skip bayless
Master of hyperbole
Skip Bayless:
Ozzie, with help from Orlando Hernandez, kept telling Contreras how good he is until he finally believed them. No pitcher in baseball has been hotter the past couple of months.
That's all he needed: two dudes telling him he's good. It's interesting that Joe Torre never tried that.
Ozzie took an Angels castoff named Bobby Jenks -- a July minor-league call-up -- and turned him into the closer he lacked.
This was a good move. But the real story is how fortunate the White Sox have been to get career years out of journeymen Dustin Hermanson (2.04 ERA this year, 4.21 career ERA) and Cliff Politte (2.00 / 4.06) as well as an amazing year from young Neal Cotts (1.94 ERA after a 5.65 ERA last year).
How much of that was Ozzie? I'm speaking for Bayless when I say 100%.
Ozzie pushed El Duque's button to get the White Sox out of a bases-loaded, no-outs jam against the Red Sox in the sixth inning of Game 3.
He pushed his button. It's that simple.
And of course, Ozzie let his starters finish all nine innings of all four victories over the Angels. No manager in baseball would have been crazy -- or shrewd -- enough to sit on his hands and ignore The Book and his bullpen.
It's possible he should have allowed some members of his bullpen to get some work in so they wouldn't be entering the World Series with a minimum of 11 days off (and that's just Cotts -- no other relief pitcher has thrown in a game since October 7th!). Of course, the ChiSox won those four games, and that's the most important thing, but they likely could have won them and not had their bullpen be that rusty.
That was last year the White Sox played in the World Series. That team had three big stars -- Luis Aparicio, Nellie Fox and Early Wynn.
This team has Ozzie.
You heard it here first: Ozzie will become the first man to pitch five complete games and hit seventeen inside the park home runs in a single game.
Series prediction: Ozzie in 3 (Astros will give up and return to their homes in fear midway through the third game).
Labels: ozzie guillen, skip bayless
Over the past few days, I've realized that nothing,
nothing brings out more unadulterated idiocy than the Yankees losing. Today
our submission comes from perennial FJM Writer of the Year candidate Skip Bayless, writing for the always-substantive ESPN Page 2. Thanks to reader Steven for the tip.
I am a non-Yankees fan trapped in Manhattan. I live here because I work here, but I can barely live with the fan and media overreaction to Yankees win! or, now, Yankees lose!
Skip Bayless, a member of the media, will now proceed to blatantly overreact to the Yankees losing.
Yet as much as I'm loving the fact that the Yankees lost, I find I'm hating it, too. As crazy as I'm driven by all the off-target excuse-making, I'm missing the Yankees more and more with each sleepy inning of the Angels vs. White Sox.Nothing against those teams, which proved to be better teams than the Yankees or Red Sox. Fewer weaknesses, better chemistry.More like "Fewer terrible starters, better bullpens." That's it. The Angels and White Sox had great pitching. They won the games because their players played better. There it is. Also, when will people stop using the stupid trick of italicizing the word "teams" to imply an unbreakable brotherhood between men? "The Yankees had better players; the Angels had a better
team." Shut up. You can't even explain what that means. And if you did, your explanation would be patently false.
But please, Yankees fans, do not pelt me like the recent relentless New York City rain with silly excuses. Get real. Boil it down. Understand why the Red Sox won last year, and why your Yankees aren't really Yankees anymore.
It's simply because your owner, George Steinbrenner, bet two tons of fool's gold on two superstars whose intangibles will never measure up to their best-in-baseball bodies and talent. The Yankee Stadium stage will always be too big for A-Rod and Randy Johnson.
YOU'RE BASING THAT ON FIVE GAMES -- or in Johnson's case, one lousy start and one great relief appearance. "The stage will always be too big"? What kind of garbage is that? These are two great players with very good postseason histories. Randy Johnson won three games in the World Series against the Yankees -- he had an ERA of 1.04 in 17.1 innings! How is the ALDS stage too big for him?
In pinstripes, A-Rod turns into C-minus-Rod in October. As the ace of the Yankees, the Big Unit came up small (but not Aaron Small) in the pivotal Game 3 against the Angels.
In last year's ALDS against Minnesota, A-Rod OPSed 1.213. In pinstripes. In October. Similar sample size to what he did this year in the ALDS.
Who was writing "A-Rod = Clutch-Rod" articles after that series?
Predictably simple.
Show me where you, Skip Bayless, predicted that both these guys would shit the bed in the playoffs.
If you could pour whatever is inside Derek Jeter into A-Rod, you would have the greatest baseball player ever.
There's an offensive gay joke here that I'm straining to not write.
But something has always been missing in A-Rod's makeup: mental toughness, guts, whatever it is that allows Barry Bonds, Albert Pujols and Manny Ramirez to make entire teams better. A-Rod doesn't seize the biggest moments. They seize him, often by the throat.
Barry Bonds, up until 2002, was criticized as being one of the worst postseason chokers of all time. Here are his batting averages from three NLDSes and two NLCSes from the years 1990-2000:
.167
.148
.261
.250
.176
For ten years, Barry Bonds performed poorly in October. Then he did something -- regressed to the mean, perhaps, or perhaps he took some magical intangible mental toughness pills that gave him intestinal fortitude -- and he absolutely destroyed the teams he faced in the 2002 playoffs, hitting eight home runs and OPSing three million (I'm estimating).
Then, in 2003, he was terrible in the playoffs again.
Will A-Rod break out in a big way in some future playoff series? If I had to bet, I would bet the house on that happening.
If you could pour whatever is inside Curt Schilling into Randy Johnson, even at 42, you would have the most dominating left-handed pitcher ever.
Randy Johnson is alreadly up there as one of the most dominating left-handed pitchers ever. He's amazing. He has five Cy Young Awards. He's led the league in ERA four times and been second three times. He even has a World Series MVP despite not having "whatever is inside Curt Schilling" (Everquest figurines and hot air)? He's in the conversation with Clemens, Martinez, and Maddux as the greatest pitcher of his generation.
But sure, he's a choker. Right.
But something has always been missing in Johnson's makeup -- big-game confidence, emotional control, whatever it was that Schilling provided Johnson when he pitched the tone-setting games ahead of Johnson as the Diamondbacks beat the Yankees in the 2001 World Series. In the biggest moments, Johnson too often has been a psychological powder keg with a short fuse.
Oh my God. Now Schilling is supernaturally infusing Johnson with confidence by pitching in entirely different games from him? I wish he had done that with Matt Clement this year.
The two main reasons the Red Sox finally reversed the curse last season were: (1) they signed Schilling to be their ace and driving force, and (2) they had Ramirez batting cleanup behind David Ortiz.
And Foulke.
**SPECIAL ADDENDUM**
Thanks to reader Slade Gilmer (I'm not making that name up) for this: Ortiz hit cleanup behind Manny last year. I can't believe I didn't catch that the first time I went through. Here's proof.
Yes, Ortiz has become baseball's most talked-about clutch hitter -- while Manny remains the most chuckled-at goof. But would most pitchers rather pitch to Ortiz or Manny? The answer is Ortiz, who takes amazing advantage of the many mistakes made by pitchers fearing the "goof" on deck.
Ortiz put up a little better numbers this season than Manny -- 148 RBI to 144, and 47 homers to 45. DH Ortiz obviously deserves to be an MVP candidate, even though he rarely plays defense. But in beyond-numbers impact, Manny has always been Boston's MVP.
I thought this article was about A-Rod and Randy Johnson?
The shrewdest move the Yankees could make right now would be pulling off a trade for Manny. Imagine the back-page headline in New York: MANNY-HATTAN.
GREAT REASON TO SIGN SOMEONE.
The Red Sox would be crazy to do it, unless maybe the Yankees would give up Robinson Cano and Chien-Ming Wang, but acquiring Manny could shift the balance of power dramatically.
So could trading for Bonds and DHing him every night.
So could travelling back in time, cryogenically freezing Cap Anson, reviving him in the present day, training him with modern technology and science, injecting him with various strength and vitality serums, and sliding him into first base, allowing Giambi to DH.
I don't know how many times after Yankees-Red Sox games I read in New York papers about how A-Rod or the Unit had earned his pinstripes and proved himself as a "true Yankee."
That, obviously, can be accomplished only in October. Johnson was Mr. September, holding the American League to a .167 average in the final month of the season. Yet Steinbrenner paid him $16 million mostly to win series-turning playoff games.
If I hear anyone say the phrase "true Yankee" in person, I will taser their nutsack.
Also, the Yankees probably don't make the playoffs without Johnson's September.
In the first round of the playoffs, Johnson is 0-7 with a 5.33 ERA in his last eight starts.
In the second round of the playoffs and beyond, Johnson is 5-1 with an ERA under 1.50.
Johnson's partner in Yankee crime? C-minus-Rod, who gave the Angels life in Game 2 by blowing as easy a play as a third baseman can have -- a point-blank Sunday hopper. Yes, it's possible he lost it in the lights. But has Jeter ever lost a high hopper in the lights?
Almost certainly yes. Baseball Reference doesn't have postseason fielding statistics, but I'm going to place a large wager on the fact that Derek Jeter has > 0 errors in his postseason career.
Meanwhile, A-Rod was going 2-for-15 in the series with no homers and no RBI. That makes him 4 for his last 32 in the playoffs, counting last season's collapse against Boston.
I've already gone over this with Tim Keown, Bayless. Scroll down and read that post.
A-Rod's reaction? He "left it all out on the field," he said. He tried his hardest, maybe too hard. He apologized to his teammates.
These are the words of a player who has no idea what it takes to win.What do you want him to say? "I will now commit
seppuku for dishonoring the team"?
This is a freak of a 6-foot-4, 230-pound specimen who hit the most awe-inspiring home run of the season -- a rare opposite-field, upper-deck blast. This is a slugger who has never been suspected of being A-Roid -- one who eventually could wind up with more career homers than Bonds or Hank Aaron. Yet this is a guy you wouldn't want in your October foxhole. C-minus-Rod finally made Yankees fans long for the days of a far less talented -- but far more clutch -- Scott Brosius.
Finally. Finally you write what idiots all across Yankeeland are thinking.
Scott Brosius postseason BA /OBP / SLG: .245 / .278 / .418
Scott Brosius ALDS BA / OBP / SLG: .167 / .196 / .259
That's right. In 54 ALDS at bats, Scott Brosius recorded two extra-base hits. Two.
GET HIM IN MY OCTOBER FOXHOLE.
So should manager Joe Torre be blamed for the failings of A-Rod and the Unit? Please.
I've been saying for a month what Yankees pitching coach Mel Stottlemyre said Wednesday as he left the clubhouse, probably for the last time: "I've been here with Joe for 10 years, and this has been by far the toughest year for him, and it's the best job he's done."
Yes, the best regular-season job. Given all the injuries and aging suffered by his Old York Yankees, Torre deserves consideration for manager of the year.
You're right. I'm glad you pointed that out. Joe Torre is so underrated. No one ever talks about him when they talk about good managers. Let's give him another award.
Steinbrenner pushed for -- and absurdly overpaid for -- three premier free agents without championship intangibles. First it was Jason Giambi, then A-Rod, then Johnson.
**SPECIAL ADDENDUM #2**
As pointed out by reader Bob Hay, A-Rod and Johnson were acquired via trade, not free agency.
One, two, three strikes you're out of luck, George. You built your kingdom on their October quicksand, and now you're paying for it.
Please sign Scott Brosius. He'll hit fifty home runs in the playoffs, I promise.
Labels: skip bayless, yankees
Murbles beat me to attacking Bayless's article, which should literally get him (Bayless, not Murbles) banned from sportswriting, but I have to chime in.
Bayless's argument is essentially that when approaching the question of whether or not a player belongs in the Hall, instead of using a combination of: (a) the numbers that a player generates, and (b) a healthy, well-reasoned debate about this player's abilities (compared with others' abilities) and the era in which he played, we should instead use the fool-proof, rock-solid HOF litmus test consisting of whether or not Skip Bayless's gut instinct is that this player is a Hall of Famer. That, and whether or not the millions of idiots who do things like vote David Bell as the starting third baseman for the AL decided to vote for Raffy more than whomever.
Someone explain that.
Can we stop with the all-star game bullshit? This is simply not a valid argument, in any way, shape or form? And how is it that the people who bitch that Raffy never started an all-star game so he shouldn't be in the hall are often the same idiots who complain that the voters are moronic for not voting in Derek Jeter? Either the voters are infallible geniuses whose thoughtful and incisive voting patterns should decide whether or not players receive immortality, or they are drunk USC frat guys who, after loading up on Bud right before the 7th inning stretch beer deadline at the Big A, realize that Adam Kennedy looks EXACTLY like their buddy Snooze from Delta Sig so they call their other buddy Todd "Shitface" Morgan and have him organize an all-night beer pong/on-line vote-a-thon to vote for Adam Kennedy for the All-Star Game and rack up 102,000 votes overnight and force him onto the team while more deserving players sit at home.
And yes, I know Adam Kennedy wasn't an all-star.
The point is, since when does the fan vote determine anything about how good a player was?
And, just because there happen to have been several future hall of famers playing first base at the same time Raffy played first base, does that mean Raffy shouldn't be a hall of famer too? And, I might add, since when did playing at an incredibly high level for 19 years become a BAD thing? Why does Bayless want to punish longevity and consistency?
On a side note, I think that there is a certain kind of sportswriter who really enjoys saying the words "It's not the 'Hall of Very Good.'" This is the sportswriter equivalent of the guy who still thinks it is funny and interesting to point out that none of the things that Alanis Morisette labels "ironic" in her song "Isn't It Ironic" is actually ironic.
Skip Bayless's article, which I highly recommend reading in full, contains not one single good shred of argument for why Rafael Palmeiro should be denied entrance to the Hall of Fame. Murbles has already covered the reasons why, but it needs to be said a thousand times until we actually get one of these people fired.
(EDITED for clarity. Probably not well enough.)
Labels: hall of fame, rafael palmeiro, skip bayless
