FIRE JOE MORGAN: I Think Paul Reiser Should be the Next President of the United States


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Monday, August 14, 2006


I Think Paul Reiser Should be the Next President of the United States

Why? Well, he seems like a nice guy. Genuine. He was kind of funny in "Diner." So let's make him President of the U.S.

Don't agree with me? I believe Matt Hayes of "the Sporting News" does. Because he believes that Todd Jones of the Detroit Tigers should be the A.L. Cy Young Award winner, mostly, apparently, because Jones is a nice dude.

Baseball is unlike any other professional sport. A majority of the players never went to college and were tossed into a business at the age of 17 or 18 and forced to sink or swim -- socially, that is. I'm telling you right now, major league baseball is a haven for social misfits. Guys who just don't get it.

Not Todd Jones. I've never met a more humble, genuine pro athlete. A true good guy.

I'm happy that Todd Jones is nice. That makes me happy. I like nice people. Why do you bring this up, Matt?

Why do I bring this up?

Yes. Why do you bring this up?

Because the other day I was watching baseball highlights and saw Jones mow down yet another team in another comeback situation. He leads the majors in saves, and plays for the team (Detroit) with the best record in baseball -- and the best story in baseball.

Vance Wilson catches for them sometimes. MVP?

Although, to be fair, one of the stated criteria for Cy Young consideration is that the team on which the potential candidate plays must have a Minimum Good Story Quotient (MGSQ) of at least 40.0. The Tigers are an outrageous 88.6 right now, so...point Jones! (The team with the Lowest Good Story Quotient Index? Surprisingly, it's the Giants, at a pathetic 26.3. Must be all the Bonds stuff. Or it could be that I made all this up, and there is no such thing.)

There's still a month and a half to go in the regular season, but if Jones continues to lead the league in saves -- and considering there is [sic] all of three pitchers with an ERA under 3.00 in both leagues -- give him the Cy Young Award.

Anyone else want to handle this? No? It's all me? Okay.


That might be the stupidest idea I have ever heard, in re: who should receive a major award.

Todd Jones:

45.2 IP
52 H
25 ER
21 Ks
4.93 ERA
4.81 DERA (so it isn't flukey)

Do you know where Todd Jones ranks in VORP for pitchers in MLB?


Daniel Cabrera of the Orioles is 260th. Kirk Saarloos of Oakland is 243rd. Elmer Dessens of Kansas City is 264th.

Granted, Jones is a reliever, but he is incredibly mediocre. The idea that saves, perhaps the most arbitrary stat in the universe, would alone make the guy a viable Cy Young's too stupid to even joke about. But if you do want to talk saves, idiotically, here's KRod, who has 30 saves -- or one less than Jonesy:

48 IP
35 H
12 ER
62 Ks
2.25 ERA
2.58 DERA
1.06 WHIP
.201 BAA

What is even a remotely possible argument for Jones over KRod? Maybe KRod isn't nice enough.

I also love the insane -- insane -- assertion that an ERA under 3.00 is vital, somehow, for Cy consideration. Roy Halladay and Johan Santana do not have ERAs under 3.00. I would still like them to play for my team, please. Plus, if ERA is so great, how about your boy Jonesy and his sub-par but Very Nice Guyish 4.93? (I know he's a closer, so one bad inning can affect him more, but come on.)

I don't care about Francisco Liriano or Jones' teammate Justin Verlander. Or the argument that relievers don't do enough (compared to starters) to earn the award. Ask the Yankees how important a reliever is.

What does it mean when your left eye goes blurry and you get a tension headache? Is that a migraine or a stroke? Because that's what's happening to ol' Ken right about now.

Liriano is injured, perhaps seriously, and that is going to kill his chances for the Cy. Amazingly, he's still 3rd in VORP in the AL, even though he hasn't pitched in a while. But Verlander...Verlander is so much more important to the Tigers it's not even funny. He's 4th in VORP.

And if you think what Jones is doing is anywhere close to what Mariano Rivera has done in any of the past 11 years, I will call the cops. Seriously. I will have to call the cops on you. Because you are dangerous.

It's too overwhelming to try to point out why Hayes "not caring" about these arguments is not justification for Jones to win the Cy Young Award. Instead, here are some pitchers who, by any measure, are better candidates, and suffice to say each of their claims to the award is backed by irrefutable evidence that even in the partially subjective world of award-giving could simply not be, well, refuted.

J. Santana
E. Santana

Now, I don't think all of these guys are actually good choices for the award, but they are all way way way better than Todd Jones. And even if we do that thing where you limit the candidates to teams who are real contenders, that still leaves at least a dozen of those guys.

I'm pulling for Jonsey.

You are alone in that regard.

Labels: ,

posted by Unknown  # 4:16 PM
(Thanks to Eli for the tip.)
From reader Simon:


Is universally regarded as a terrifying train wreck of a closer by Detroit fans.

Is such a humble, genuine good guy that he once declared that if he found out a teammate was gay, he'd refuse to play with him.

Writes for the Sporting News. Why, that's where the article proclaiming him the deserving Cy Young was published! It's a small, wacky world, Ken Tremendous.

It is indeed.
This isn't exactly statistical analysis, but for those of you who are interested, here's what Todd Jones -- who is such a good, good, nice, swell guy -- said about gay MLBers:

"I wouldn't want a gay guy being around me," Jones told the paper. "It's got nothing to do with me being scared. That's the problem: All these people say he's got all these rights. Yeah, he's got rights or whatever, but he shouldn't walk around proud. It's like he's rubbing it in our face. 'See me, Hear me roar.' We're not trying to be close-minded, but then again, why be confrontational when you don't really have to be?"

What a stand-up dude.
Most Virulent Phobe, Homo- Category
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