FIRE JOE MORGAN: 03.06

FIRE JOE MORGAN

Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

FJM has gone dark for the foreseeable future. Sorry folks. We may post once in a while, but it's pretty much over. You can still e-mail dak, Ken Tremendous, Junior, Matthew Murbles, or Coach.

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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

 

Gentlemen, Start Your Idiocy Machines

It's March 29. Opening Day is hours away. And that means it's time for unthinking, pointless drivel to come pouring out of the laptops of the BBWAA. Even from normally semi-reliable people like Ken Rosenthal, who wrote this little number, entitled: Small Ball is Yielding Big Results.

Excited just by the title? Me too!

I suggest reading the article on the FoxSports site -- it has lots of cute photos of people bunting!

Time to play ball. Real ball, not the mutant, pharmaceutically enhanced monstrosity that supposedly saved the sport.

Some call it small ball. Others call it a return to fundamentals. Still others call it a pitching-and-defense revival.

Whatever the catchphrase, it translates to winning baseball.


Oh, the rhetoric! I imagine Ken Rosenthal standing at a podium, lips tightly pursed politician-style, imagining himself a Leader of Men, addressing thousands of hearty non-computer-owning salt-of-the-earth American baseball fans, clutching American Flags that display not 50 stars, but rather small pictures of Scott Podsednik bunting. And he's staring down his constituency, and telling them in no uncertain terms that by God these home run-happy stat nerds will take away his love of sac bunts and stolen bases and Darin Erstad's football-playing mentality only by prying them out of his cold, dead hands.

Shortstop Derek Jeter talks wistfully about the Yankees' four championship teams under manager Joe Torre, recalling that they did all of the little things right. The World Baseball Classic drove the point home once more, with the Asian teams, in particular, demonstrating the value of execution over physical talent, of brains over brawn.

Chalk up another vaguely racist "compliment" for those brainy Asians. Who, by the way, had the most HR of any team in the WBC, the 3rd most walks, and the second highest OPS. Brawn, anyone?

Play ball. Play it right. The fans won't go away.

Write stuff. Write it in overblown self-important rhetoric. I will make fun of you.

Chicks dig the long ball, always will, and so does everyone else. But the notion that fans are power junkies, too simple to grasp the game's subtleties — it's an insult. Major League Baseball isn't alone in dumbing down its product; virtually every sports, entertainment and media company does. But what baseball fans want most is to see their favorite team win.

Right. Which is why smart teams don't try to steal bases and play "small ball." You're conflating good pitching, "doing the little things," "fundamentals," and "execution," and calling it all "small ball." Good pitching is not "small ball." Good pitching is good pitching, and every team needs it. "Fundamentals" are important, too. But most of that other stuff -- bunting, stealing bases if you're not really good at it, etc. -- hurts your team. It causes your team to score fewer runs. Smart teams do not eschew such self-mutilating strategies because they believe their fans are too dumb to appreciate it. They do it because embracing them makes it harder to win.

I like that it was not enough for people to misinterpret "Moneyball" as "strike out a lot and try always to hit home runs." Now, it seems, being a "power junky" (read: "Moneyball") team, and thus not doing things like bunt runners over, also means you don't care about "fundamentals." As if part of the Moneyball philosophy (not explicitly cited here, but come on -- that's what he's talking about) is specifically not caring about hitting cutoff men or something.

Teams like the Braves, Cardinals and Angels are successful year after year not because they score the most runs, though their offenses usually are strong. No, they succeed because they play the game properly, rarely beating themselves. In an age of increased parity, the little things become even more important. As any statistical analyst will tell you, the big things matter most. But a game, even a pennant race, can turn on a well-timed bunt or well-executed relay.

Any game can turn on anything. A lot of games turn on HR, for example. I'm thinking in particular of an Astros-Cardinals playoff game -- a few playoff games, actually -- last year. Baseball games are crazy explosions of random chances and impossible-to-predict scenarios. The surest way to maximize your winning percentage is by stressing OBP and SLG offensively, and fundamentals defensively, which, despite the message of this article, are not mutually exclusive. One way to minimize your chance to win, offensively, is by bunting a lot.

Also, I like referring to the Cardinals' recent NL offensive juggernauts as "pretty strong."

Jim Tracy, the new Pirates' manager, has spent much of the spring talking to his hitters about taking smarter approaches, adjusting to situations. The Cubs, by acquiring players like center fielder Juan Pierre and right fielder Jacque Jones, mimicked the White Sox, improving their athleticism and speed. A's general manager Billy Beane, a leading proponent of offensive efficiency, has built a contender, once again, around starting pitching.

1. Shouldn't every manager always spend Spring Training "talking to his hitters about taking smarter approaches, adjusting to situations?" You can't tell people to hit more home runs. You can tell people to "take smart approaches," like taking pitches at the right times and so forth. 2. Juan Pierre and Jacque Jones had OBPs of .326 and .319 last year, respectively, so, yes, the Cubbies are mimicking the White Sox, but not by improving anything. 3. I don't know what you mean to imply by the last comment about Billy Beane. He has always been a leading proponent of offensive efficiency, yes, and he has always built his team around starting pitching, so you have told me nothing.

The season begins with yet another steroid uproar, but the game — by every quantifiable measure — has never been healthier. It is widely accepted that the home-run race between Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa in 1998 fueled the sport's comeback from the strike of '94 and '95. That notion, too, gives fans too little credit. People love this sport, can't get enough of it. In time, the fans would have come back, anyway.

And so a new season begins, a season of baseball, not powerball. MLB is returning to its roots not because of more stringent drug testing — some players still will use performance enhancers — but because teams are going back to the time-honored methods of success.


Can you hear it? "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" is fading in behind Rosenthal...the Podsednik flags wave in the breeze...a trained hawk circles above and starts to dive...the crowd buzzes in anticipation of the big finish...

To small ball. To smart ball. To playing the game right.

Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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posted by Anonymous  # 10:16 PM
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Saturday, March 25, 2006

 

We All Knew Someone Would Write It...

...and somebody did.

Thanks to reader Jeff E. for sending us this gem. So, Dan Connolly, whatcha got for us?

"The inaugural World Baseball Classic is over, and one can presume that the flag-waving, sign-holding Japanese fan base has finally strolled giddily away from San Diego's Petco Park wearing smiles and plenty of official Classic merchandise."

I guess one can presume that. I don't know that the Japanese fans bought any more merch than the other countries' fans. But, sure, okay, I'm with you. Three short paragraphs later:

"Meanwhile, the Japanese fans at the semifinals and final in San Diego couldn't have had more fun soaking up the experience and the souvenirs."


A good point. Even if the Japanese didn't buy more than others, they certainly did soak up more. (The hell?) But on to the good stuff:

"The most important lesson learned, though, came from the field. The disciplined teams without much MLB influence schooled the star-laden countries - and not because they had more talent or because the timing hampered MLB-heavy squads."

How this guy can conclusively disprove that the timing of the event didn't hurt teams like the USA, I have no idea. It seems to me that there's at least a good chance that teams like Cuba benefitted from being well in the swing of their baseball schedules.

"Simply put, Japan and Cuba didn't play ego ball. They didn't throw 100 mph or crush countless homers. They won by advancing runners and turning double plays. They scored with hard sprints and sweeping hand tags across the plate. They won by playing anti-modern-American, anti-MLB baseball."

Yay!

Okay. Now, Dan Connolly, honestly: would you really prefer that your favorite team not hit countless homers? Let's put it this way: you're a fan of team USA. A-Rod's at the plate. Would you rather he advance the runner or hit one of his team's limitless taters?

And!
Fact: No team hit more home runs than the representatives from that most famous of souvenir-buying nations, Japan.
Fact: Cuban pitchers were, as a generalization, some of the hardest throwers in the tournament. One Cuban pitcher was clocked at 97 mph while striking out Carlos Guillen.
Bonus Fact! As for fundamental defense, Cuba committed three more errors than any other team.

"It's just that our pro athletes are rarely asked to play as a team. They don't have to. It's not what they get paid to do and not what our fans want."


I'm sorry. The teams that these guys are normally paid to play for are somehow fundamentally different than the team they were asked to play for in the WBC? Aren't they paid to play as a team 162 times a year? If 24 of the Oakland A's decide to take the field against the Tigers at 4:00 pm, and then Mark Kotsay decides to take the field all by himself 4 hours later, does he get paid?

"A baseball purist can talk about fundamentals until he is Dodger Blue in the face, but ultimately, who would Joe Baseball Fan rather see with a bat in his hands, David Ortiz or Willy Tavares? Albert Pujols or David Eckstein?"

Is this a trick question? Is this a fake trick question? Please, please Dan Connolly. Tell me you're not suggesting that David Eckstein is a better player -- or even a better team player -- than Albert Pujols. Please tell me you don't think David Eckstein belonged on the WBC roster.

"Leaving the perpetually hustling, unselfish Eckstein off the U.S. roster wasn't a critical mistake, as some have suggested."


Whew. Thank God. Dan Connolly, I can certify you a sentient human being. Okay, now that --

"The Americans didn't need one Eckstein."

No, Dan! DAN! I'm trying to --

"They needed a roster full of them, or at least a roster full of guys who would morph into Eckstein when the situation arose."

Oh, Danny. Danny boy.

posted by dak  # 10:24 PM
Comments:
Holy Frijole. Can you imagine how bad a team of nine David Ecksteins would be? Wait -- you don't have to. I'll tell you. It would score an average of just over 4 runs a game, hit 6 HR a year, and have an OPS 11% lower than league average. But it would totally school Cuba in the WBC...due to hustle and and unselfishness.
 
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Thursday, March 23, 2006

 

Sticking Up For Fellow Bloggers

You may have read about this elsewhere, e.g. Deadspin, but this is such high school level bullshit that I feel like it's worth mentioning.

It seems as though ESPN Radio's Colin Cowherd has straight-up plagiarized a comedy bit from The M Zone.

I happened to be listening to Cowherd's show at the time, and remember thinking to myself: "Okay, this isn't the funniest stuff in the world, but these are jokes, and for sports jokes, they're pretty good. I wonder who wrote this. Do they have writers at that radio show? Did Cowherd himself write this? That can't be."

This is, to say the least, unacceptable.

posted by dak  # 5:25 PM
Comments:
I was driving to work, and I'm not proud of it.
 
The worst part is the email CC wrote to those dudes which said, in effect, "I was gonna credit you, but now you're whining about it so I'm not." What a baby.
 
I like that he says, "We found a Wonderlic test on the internet." Which is true, technically. It's like he thinks it isn't plagiarism if he mentions where he found it.
 
In today's radio show, I was happy to find a segment called "Apology...Sort Of."

Of course, it turned out to have nothing to do with Colin Cowherd stealing material from another writer. Oh well.
 
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Monday, March 20, 2006

 

Who Is In Charge Of Captions At CNNSI?

Check out the caption below the picture of Farnsworth.

Last time the guy started a major league baseball game: 6 years ago.

posted by dak  # 6:56 PM
Comments:
They caught it. Nevermind.
 
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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

 

FJM's Mathematically-Minded Baseball Person of the Month

is Dutch Daulton, former Phillie Catcher and Professional Weirdo.

Dutch, it turns out, is totally into the so-called "new wave" of statistical analysis. To wit:

"Reality is created and guarded by numeric patterns that overlap and awaken human consciousness, like a giant matrix or hologram," writes the .245 lifetime hitter. "They are created by sacred geometry -- numbers, the language of the universe, codes of awakening -- such as 11:11, which represent twin strands of DNA about to return to balance. Eleven equals BALANCE."

Now that, my friends, is what I call solid reasoning. If only some of these hard-nosed ol' timers would think more like Dutch.

Read more of Daulton's metamathematical musings in this article, which is destined to be the wellspring whence will emerge a "Moneyball"-like project for crazy people.

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posted by Anonymous  # 12:26 AM
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Monday, March 06, 2006

 

Keep An Eye On This One

Baseball Tonight. This weekend, forget when.

"Bold Predictions" for the year 2006. Steve Phillips predicts a SF Giants sweep of the major awards: Barry Bonds for MVP; Jason Schmidt for CY; and Matt Cain for ROY.

I guess they're supposed to be "bold." But that prediction is bold, italicized, and in 48 point font.

posted by dak  # 4:29 PM
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