Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

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Thursday, June 16, 2005



Okay, I know it's not all about sports, but this is just too wonderful to pass up.


Chicago White Sox designated hitter Carl Everett, infamous for his run-in with umpire Ron Kulpa in 2000 while playing for the Boston Red Sox, sounds off on a number of issues in the July edition of Maxim magazine. Some of the highlights, as reported by The Chicago Tribune.

• Everett has had gay teammates, whom he has accepted, but: "Gays being gay is wrong. Two women can't produce a baby, two men can't produce a baby, so it's not how it's supposed to be. ... I don't believe in gay marriages. I don't believe in being gay."

I'll refrain from commenting about this specific subject matter, and Carl's antediluvian attitudes, and just say that I really wish he had added something about dinosaurs.

• Most baseball fans don't know diddly: "Fan is short for fanatic -- he's crazy about something he really doesn't know about. And it's proven that 99 percent of baseball fans have no idea what they're watching."

I like the insanity of saying that it is "proven" that "99% of baseball fans have no idea what they're watching." Because by using the classically hyperbolic figure of 99%, Carl is demonstrating that he himself has no idea what he is talking about. It's like when people say things like, "Dude, I was so hungry last night I LITERALLY ate a thousand hamburgers."

• The congressional hearings examining steroid use were a waste: "We have a war going on -- I have family in that war -- yet we're talking about steroids. ... If everybody in the world got on steroids, we'll still lose more kids to a war than we will from steroids."

One would have to do a fair amount of research, and devise a sophisticated method of evaluation of steroids qua mortal force, in order to prove or disprove this statement. I'm guessing Carl has done neither. In any case, I enjoy this comment because he essentially argues that no topic is worth our time and attention if it is not at least as life-threatening as war, which, ipso facto, is the most life-threatening thing that there is. Also, considering Carl's problems with rage, and his massive frame, and his propensity to injure, it's probably in his best interests to remain silent on the whole steroid issue.

Awww, hell. As long as we're at it, let's take a trip down crazy memory lane, shall we?

"God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve," Everett said last Friday, before the Red Sox lost two of three in Atlanta. "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex."

What about dinosaur bones?

"Made by man," he says.

Everett has trouble, too, with the idea of man actually walking on the moon. After first rejecting the notion, he concedes, "Yeah, that could have happened. It's possible. That is something you could prove. You can't prove dinosaurs ever existed. I feel it's far-fetched."


posted by Unknown  # 2:46 AM
Borderline, but I'll allow it.

New FJM rule:
Everyone's allowed one diversion a month. Enjoy.

This is kind of embarrassing, but here goes.

As a baseball fan, I've seen hundreds, maybe thousands of baseball games. And to this day, I have had no idea what I've been watching. In fact, now that I think about it, some of those things I watched may not have even been baseball games, but reruns of Trading Spaces.
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