FIRE JOE MORGAN: King Carl Everett


Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

FJM has gone dark for the foreseeable future. Sorry folks. We may post once in a while, but it's pretty much over. You can still e-mail dak, Ken Tremendous, Junior, Matthew Murbles, or Coach.

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Monday, October 03, 2005


King Carl Everett

Not sports commentary, but I'm always up for some good old fashioned Crazy Carl.

Everett, a husband and father of five, is not as holy as he would like to be. He is still a moral work in progress.

''I've never been a ladies' man, but there's been fornication [in his life],'' he said. ''I had sex before I was married. But once I got married, it was on. Come November, we will have been married for 12 years.''

Has he always been faithful?

''Not in all cases,'' he said. ''She knows. I did it away from her. But I'm quite sure she still prays for me. [God] keeps me. But those demons are still going to come. That's why I say it's tough to live holy and resist temptation because those demons get prettier and prettier. Their bodies get better and better. It's one of the toughest fights I've had in my life.

Dude. Tell me about it. I was walking down Fairfax today and I saw this crazy hot demon in a tank top and micromini. Man. Oh -- you know who else is a hot demon? Jessica Alba.

But, maybe this isn't a good thing. You know why demons' bodies are getting better and better? Have you been to Crunch lately? The one on Sunset? Nothing but demons. I think we as a society put too much emphasis on the idea of "demon beauty." Every magazine you look at, it's some anorexic denizen of the underworld on the cover, and it's very hard for the average, you know, middle-American goblin to measure up. My fiancee, for example, is a beautiful archfiend/hellion, and even she feels constantly besieged by the windigos and succubi on the covers of "Vogue" and "Self." It's simply not fair.

We need to wake up, as a society, and ask ourselves: are our nation's demons getting too hot?


posted by Unknown  # 3:39 PM
P.S. What does Carl want to do after he leaves baseball?

''I want to become an architect."

I find this incredibly funny. Not because I don't think he could become an architect. I'm sure he could. He seems like an intense, devoted guy, who would work really hard at it. It's just funny to me, because: what?!
Remember when Beerman punched Crazy Carl in the face, because he was jealous that Crazy Carl was getting ice for us?

What's that? Different Crazy Carl? Only Coach and Murbles know what I'm talking about? Nevermind.
I'm amazed that it has taken this long for someone to mention Beerman on this site. Take that, readers!
Also, KT, I believe you meant "succubi."
Thanks, Murbles. I can't believe I did that. It has been corrected.
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