FIRE JOE MORGAN: All-Star Break Boredom Post

FIRE JOE MORGAN

Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

FJM has gone dark for the foreseeable future. Sorry folks. We may post once in a while, but it's pretty much over. You can still e-mail dak, Ken Tremendous, Junior, Matthew Murbles, or Coach.

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Tuesday, July 11, 2006

 

All-Star Break Boredom Post

This is the worst three days of the season. I am so bored I watched the Old Timers' Softball game today. Goose Gossage needs to shave that moustache. It's enough already.

A few thoughts:

Francisco Liriano, the ERA leader, the 10-1 rookie with a WHIP of .97, and the .542 OPS against and the 4.44 K/BB ratio and the 10.39 K/9IP, the best pitcher in baseball's first half, and the guy who wasn't voted on by his peers or his crazy AL manager, is finally an All-Star. Congratulations, everybody.

Also. Many of our loyal readers wrote to me and called me names for criticizing Ozzie's "All ChiSox, All the Time" reserve decisions. I maintain that some of his choices are insane -- I'm looking at you, Mark Buehrle; I don't care how quickly your games go by -- but I have to admit, there is an argument for Ozzie picking these guys. Simply: who cares? It's a stupid game, and if you win the World Series, you get to reward your guys by taking them, thus maintaining your clubhouse's warm and fuzzy feelings. (Even though I discussed how stupid the game was in that first post, this incredibly obvious "make your guys happy because: why not?" makes sense to me.)

However. Travis Hafner and his like 3.872 OPS aren't on the team. That's dumb.

Krukie, on BBTN: Kenny Rogers deserves to start. He's 11-3. Even if some of these other guys hadn't pitched yesterday, he still deserves it.
Harold Reynolds: He does deserve it. His team has the best record in baseball.
Ken Tremendous: I hate you both.

Was anyone else wishing that some of Ryan Howard's derby HRs had crashed through that screen and hit Krukie right on the ol' bean?

I now officially have had enough of "Back back back back back back."

Why am I writing like Peter King? I think I think that the Patriots are going to regret losing David Givens. I think I think that Starbucks should sell more different kinds of maple-coated scones.

As we all suffer through the next two days of meaningless but meaningful non-baseball, I will leave you with this lovely thought from reader Elliot:

...during the Home Run Derby tonight, Joe Morgan and John Kruk were seated in a tent in right field, facing out into the river rather than home plate. I'd like to believe this is what Morgan usually does at Sunday Night Baseball and when he's watching games at home. It would explain his "I haven't seen much of that team so I can comment" line in a literal sense.

posted by Ken Tremendous  # 1:53 AM
Comments:
I have a new singular goal in life.

That goal is simply to outlive the broadcasting career of Chris Berman, so that one day I might watch a Home Run Derby without the so-fucking-tired Boomerism: "He hits this one to [obscure suburb of or small city 120 miles away from All-Star host city]!"

I have to say I like my chances.
 
It is curious, though, that the Boomer-style nicknames were conspicuously absent from the player introductions. I was steeling myself for Ryan "Howard the Duck" or Miguel "Not to Be Confused With Mediocre Teenage Pop Sensation Ryan" Cabrera or some shit. I cannot fully describe the relief I felt when he left them out.

You have to believe that someone sat him down and was all "This ends here."
 
Dear Murbles:

We, the undersigned, think you are stupid and don't get awesome jokes.

Ben "Winter" Coates
Rafael "Emerson, Lake, and" Palmeiro
Dave "Parallel" Parker
"Well-Dressed" Amani Toomer
Ken "Fart Machine" Tremendous
 
I could be wrong, but isn't his nickname for Jim Edmonds "Mr."--as in Jim "Mr." Edmonds? I know "Mr." is his nickname for someone, which, when you think about it, is retarded.
 
Murbles -

Don't you get it? "Mr. Ed"-monds? Get it?

Get it?

(self-inflicted gunshot wound)
 
Yeah, dude, of course I get it, but in and of itself, the nickname "Mr." is just dumb.
 
Except for Keith "Mister" Jennings. That dude was awesome.
 
I still believe that Berman should be going with Amani "Express" Toomer. I have some reasons:

a) "Well-dressed Armani" is not an expression. "Armani Express" is.

b) "Express" might actually be a decent nickname for a WR, and yet it still conforms to Boomer's hilarious pun standards.

c) I prefer nicknames -- and for that matter, even Boomerisms -- that fit in the middle of a man's name.
 
dak--

I believe we have talked about this before, but I also like

Amani "Exchange" Toomer

better than "Well-Dressed Amani Toomer." I even, and I can't believe I am saying this, would prefer

Amani "It's Not A" Toomer

despite the hackiness of the reference. Or how about

Amani "It Takes" Toomer "To Make Things Go Right"

which also has the benefit of being a flattering nickname for a wide receiver. The point is, "Well-Dressed," even by Berman's standards, is horrifying.

On a side note, I never understood why he didn't do

Jeff "Doogie" Blauser.
 
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