FIRE JOE MORGAN: Bonus Unfunny Hyperbole


Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007


Bonus Unfunny Hyperbole

From annoyingly intentionally controversial Dan Shaughnessy, writing about the Red Sox' Opening Day loss:

Worse than Ellen DeGeneres's first night hosting the Oscars. Worse than Arsenio Hall's first shot at late-night television. Worse than Patriots coach Clive Rush's first press conference, when he was nearly electrocuted.

I get it. The Red Sox were bad and Dan Shaughnessy has watched TV.

Now, I would just like to add the sentence "It's one game" after the following paragraphs.

Blogmaster Schilling threw like a man suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome, yielding five runs on eight hits and two walks in just four innings. 38pitches? That's almost how many Schill needed to get out of the first inning, when he threw 33 and walked home a run. It was his shortest outing since July 2001 and hardly a good start to his 2007 campaign for a new contract.

It's one game.

(When Curt Schilling pitches poorly, it's computer-related.)

Meanwhile, Bill James-mandated shortstop Julio Lugo started his Red Sox reign in Renteria-esque fashion, fanning in his first three at-bats, Japanese lefty Hideki Okajima yielded a home run on his first big league pitch, two Sox runners were cut down at second base, and spring strugglers Jason Varitek and Coco Crisp had hitless starts. Sox pitchers yielded 12 hits and two walks in eight innings.

It's one game.

(When Julio Lugo does something bad, it's because a computer liked him.)

Facing the widely mocked Gil Meche ($55 million over five years?), the Red Sox lineup was hardly the relentless run-producing machine that Theo and the Minions envisioned when they hovered over their computers during the wild-spending winter. The Red Sox struck out 10 times, and six of their eight hits were singles.

It's one game.

(Whenever the Red Sox lose, it's because of computers.)

In conclusion, it is my belief that Dan Shaughnessy's daughter once had sex with a computer and he is not comfortable with that.

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posted by Junior  # 3:47 PM
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