FIRE JOE MORGAN: I Don't Own an iPhone

FIRE JOE MORGAN

Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

FJM has gone dark for the foreseeable future. Sorry folks. We may post once in a while, but it's pretty much over. You can still e-mail dak, Ken Tremendous, Junior, Matthew Murbles, or Coach.

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Friday, January 18, 2008

 

I Don't Own an iPhone

So I will make fun of this Don Banks article about the upcoming AFC Championship game between the New England Perfects and the San Jose Somethings. This falls under the umbrella statement: "Every time a critic tells you how Team X could beat Team Y in a 'Keys to the Game' type of deal, shit gets stupid."

[H]ere are five things the Chargers need to pull one of biggest upsets ever:

1. LaDainian Tomlinson must be a difference-maker.

The #1 offensive weapon the Chargers have must have a good game. That seems crazy to me, but keep going.

2. A surprising contribution from an unsung player.

He's talking about Billy Volek, if Rivers can't play. So, so far we have:

1. Chargers' running back must be good.
2. Chargers' QB must be good.

3. Keep those turnovers coming.

1. Chargers' running back must be good.
2. Chargers' QB must be good.
3. Chargers force turnovers.

4. Harrison and Seau play more like old Patriots rather than ex-Chargers.

1. Chargers' running back must be good.
2. Chargers' QB must be good.
3. Chargers force turnovers.
4. Some members of Patriots' defense do not play well.

5. History to repeat itself.


He's talking about Week 4 of the 2005 regular season, when the Bolts beat the Pats and broke their streak of home wins. So, to conclude, here are the things the Chargers need, in order to win the game:

1. Chargers' running back must be good.
2. Chargers' QB must be good.
3. Chargers force turnovers.
4. Patriots' defense does not play well.
5. Chargers [make? cause?] history [to] repeat[s] itself.

or

5. Chargers win game, thereby winning game.

Who needed this article to be written? This article is a waste of time. This article is the "liberal use of the 'food metaphors' label" label of "Keys to the Game"-style articles.

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posted by Ken Tremendous  # 3:35 PM
Comments:
If this is the first post you have ever read on this blog: sorry about the borderline-gibberish labels part at the end.
 
If we're being liberal with the food metaphors label, I would suggest adding it for the use of "turnovers."
 
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