FIRE JOE MORGAN: If At First it Doesn't Succeed...


Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

FJM has gone dark for the foreseeable future. Sorry folks. We may post once in a while, but it's pretty much over. You can still e-mail dak, Ken Tremendous, Junior, Matthew Murbles, or Coach.

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Saturday, February 16, 2008


If At First it Doesn't Succeed...

Regular readers of this blog may be familiar with this post, containing an article written by legendary prose artiste, poet laureate of the Americas, and Congressional Medal of Honor Winner: William Everton Plaschke IX. That piece won Plaschke a Pulitzer, a MacArthur Genius Grant, and a from-beyond-the-grave visit from Dr. Samuel Johnson, who battered Plaschke about the face and neck with a dictionary and told him to stop writing forever, lest he squander every gain made by proponents of the English language over the last 250 years.

I bring this up because the article began with PlaschkeGraphs™ -- the single-sentence contrapuntal paragraphs that made him famous -- thusly:

Around the hotel table sat Dodgers executives discussing trades.

In the corner sat the old scout watching television.

Around the hotel table they were talking about dumping Milton Bradley and wondering whom they should demand from the Oakland A's in return.

In the corner sat the old scout who has never worked with radar gun, computer or even stopwatch.

Around the hotel room table, someone mentioned an unknown double-A outfielder named Andre Ethier.

In the corner, the old scout jumped.

Poetry, my friends. Pure, unadulterated, terrible, poetry.

Anyway, I was smurfing the WW Web today and came across this little number, also from Plaschke, which assaulted my retinal arena in a frighteningly similar way.

On one end of the dark wood table sat baseball's ideals -- the swaggering, swarthy starting pitcher.

On the other end of the same table sat baseball's reality -- the slinking, shirking steroid pusher.

On one end of the table, Roger Clemens bragged about tough times and hard work and never taking a shortcut.

On the other end, Brian McNamee talked about syringes and abscesses and bloody pants.

Look. I know it's probably really hard to file 3-5 stories a week, when you're a sportswriter. (Or 0-1/month, if you're Stephen A. Smith.) I know that Plaschke has won awards and gets to be on television and stuff, so there's no real incentive to change anything. But come on.

At the L.A. Times, Plaschke sits at his typewriter.

Here in my mom's basement, I make fun of Plaschke.

At the L.A. Times, Plaschke lazily concocts another identical opening to one of his columns.

Here in my mom's basement, I ask my mom for more Kix.


Ad nauseam.

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posted by Anonymous  # 8:16 PM
Originally, I misspelled "nauseam" as "nauseum." Blecch. Sorry.
Also, Matt points out that there is no "Congressional Medal of Honor," per se, but rather just a "Medal of Honor" awarded by the President on behalf of Congress. This sounds very plausible, so instead of looking it up, I'm just typing it here.
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