FIRE JOE MORGAN: "With the social security check my wife and I receive, I'm making ballplayer money for two columns a week."


Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

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Monday, February 04, 2008


"With the social security check my wife and I receive, I'm making ballplayer money for two columns a week."

That was Bill Conlin a couple of months ago. Charming fellow, no?

What Bill neglected to mention is the most amazing part of the equation here is that his columns, for the most part, seem to be of the Larry-King-brain-leakage-stew variety. When you think of it that way, yes, it is rather extraordinary that you tricked someone into paying for an old-person condo in Florida for you in exchange for such incoherent, scattered nonsense.

Such as:

WHEN I'M KING of the World . . .

The Johan Santana hand-wringing will cease . . . OK, the Mets will have the awesome lefthander with the changeup from hell at the front of their rotation. And the Phillies will have Old 629, Adam Eaton, at the back end of theirs.

This is the equivalent of saying, "Look, quit complaining about living in Dresden. Yes, we just got the shit firebombed out of us. Yes, your skin is currently on fire. So is mine. But dammit, I am stating a contrarian opinion here!" He's explaining exactly why the hand-wringing he's complaining about exists.

That by itself is no reason to contemplate Charlie Manuel's superb nucleus being dragged to also-ran status by inferior component parts. The pressure is all on the Mets.

Bill Conlin is now on record: having the best baseball pitcher in the baseball-playing world is exactly -- exactly -- balanced out, baseball-wise, by the concomitant pressure incurred by acquiring said pitcher. There is no benefit to having better players. Call it Conlin's Law: for every good player acquired, you take on an equal amount of bad juju. Fuck getting good players. Fuck them hard.

And when all the zeros are finally in place, the 28-year-old Venezuelan's enormous contract and the Himalayan expectations wrapped around it will subject Johan to more fan and media scrutiny than any pitcher in the history of a city, the Sour Apple, that has made a lot of grown pitchers cry. Hideki Irabu, Jeff Weaver and Kevin Brown come immediately to mind.

Because you apparently are unfamiliar with the sport of baseball, Bill, allow me to forthwith explain to you the differences between these three men and Johan Santana. I will do so in the manner of, oh, let's say, a Mets fan talking to his girlfriend who knows nothing about baseball.

"Shit, honey, don't you know anything about baseball? Shit! Jesus. Hideki Irabu never fucking played an inning of Major League Baseball before pitching for the Yank-Mes! Me and Sal call them the Yank-Mes, get it? Hideki Irabu! Goddammit, Denise, you are so fucking dumb. The guy just wasn't any good, see? He went to Montreal and had like a nineteen ERA, and there isn't a fucking Montreal Post printing embarrassing pictures of you on the back page. The only thing in Montreal are like pretty dece strip clubs and fries with gravy on them. Remember those fries, Denise? Yeah, you shouldn't eat shit like that anymore, you're not a kid anymore, you'll get big in the hips. Yeah, I said it. Shut up!

"We're talking about Johan Santana here. JOHAN! Don't bring that weak Hideki Irabu shit into my house.

"Jeff Weaver? You gotta be kidding me. Jeff Weaver was always a piece of shit. Fucking California pussy. The guy was never that good. He had a couple of half decent years that would make Johan cry if he sunk that low. And look what he's doing in Seattle. You're telling me it's pressure in Seattle too? Shit, Denise. Although with Weaver, who knows, you could be right. His brother's a pussy too. Tell him I said that. Tell him!

"Kevin Brown can suck my cock. You want to compare him to Johan? Fucking Johan?! Kevin Brown was 39 his first year with the Spank-Mes. Spank-Mes! Where do I come up with this shit? 39 and the only reason he was good the year before was all the fucking 'roids he was shooting into his ass. It was in that report that Kevin Mitchell just put out. Plus KB's spine was made out of fucking Styrofoam peanuts by then. Johan is 28 and ready to rock, and he's pretty handsome for a Latino or whatever he is. I'm not gay or anything, I'm just saying. I'm not gay, remember when you caught me with all that porn in my car? It was all hetero porn. Not even any Asians or weird shit like that.

"Anyway, I think I've proven how you know shit about baseball, Denise. Get me another beer, I'm not done pre-gaming before I go over to Sal's to watch Gladiators. Fucking Wolf, man! I would kick his ass in Assault, though."

posted by Junior  # 1:21 AM
Most swearing ever! Nice work.

P.S. Eli #1!!!!!!
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