FIRE JOE MORGAN: Scouts: They're Just Like Us!


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Thursday, April 03, 2008


Scouts: They're Just Like Us!

Except they're paid to give professional opinions about baseball. Opinions like these:

One scout says not to worry about Jimmy Rollins' atrocious spring (.188 with zero homers).

So I shouldn't panic and trade the reigning National League MVP because of meaningless spring training statistics. Good advice, scout! You are hereby promoted to Head Scout of Scouting. Hey, high-concept movie pitch: Life Scout. Tom Berenger stars as a crusty old baseball scout whose instincts are so good, an underachieving twenty-something hires him to "scout" his "life"! The scout scouts out women ("That one's got crazy boobs but also crazy eyes, steer clear!") and job opportunities ("Beer and video game tester -- score!), and over the course of the movie, Mark the underachiever teaches Jim the scout a few things about life, too.

But enough about my billion-dollar movie ideas. What else does this scout have to say about the guy voted the Best Player in His Baseball League in 2007?

"He's a solid underrated player. I don't see any change.''

You're right. He didn't win the AL MVP or the Cy Young or the Rolaids thing or the thing you win for coming back from cancer. He didn't win the NBA Sixth Man of the Year Award or the Caldecott Medal for best illustrations in a children's book. Underrated.

Your move, scouts.

[Troy] Tulowitzki appears determined to win the Gold Glove after losing out to Jimmy Rollins last year.

Oh, that's right -- Rollins won the Gold Glove, too. That poor, solid, unappreciated, underrated orphan child. Jimmy Rollins needs a hug and a higher rating.

"He has a swagger about him -- like Jeter,'' one AL scout said, paying about as high a compliment as you can pay.

Dr. Baseball Boss Guy: Ralph Scoutman. Good to see you. Come on in, sit down.
Ralph Scoutman: Thank you, boss man. I been rill busy scouting all over. Rill busy.
BBG: So you've been driving an old pickup truck all around America, picking up colorful local stories, getting dust in your wrinkles and putting crow's feet in the corners of your eyes.
RS: Exactly, boss. Just like you done told me to.
BBG: Excellent, Ralph. You are quite a scout. I mean, look at your eyes. So wise and knowing. It's like you can see inside me, right into my soul.
RS: Aw, shucks, boss. Just doin' my job. Seein' folks' souls -- that's just part of scouting.
BBG: Now what have you got on this Tulowitzki kid? I've never seen him before, but I've heard he's playing baseball up in the Rocky Mountains. What will they think of next?
RS: Oh, I seen him all right. Crashed my pickup right into their dugout and took out my bye-noculars. I got the dirt on Tulo.
BBG: Come up real close, whisper it into my ear.
RS: (whispering) He has a swagger.
BBG: Scoutman, you've done it again, you old fox! Call the mayor! Plan the parade route! We are the champions of baseball once again! Scoutman, you'll sit on the biggest float of all in the parade!
RS: Oh no, count me out, boss. I'm no parade-sitter. I'm just an old scout, scouting the best I can until I scout my way into the next world.

(Scoutman puts his hat back on and shuffles out of the office. As he leaves, he gradually fades away.)

BBG: Well, I'll be damned. He was a ghost all along.

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posted by Junior  # 1:26 PM
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