FIRE JOE MORGAN: Stop Being Bad at Baseball, You Selfish Asshole


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Thursday, April 10, 2008


Stop Being Bad at Baseball, You Selfish Asshole

The baseball season is only a few games old, but Greg Couch is calling it like he sees it: Alfonso Soriano is a selfish fuckbutt. How does he know this? Because Kosuke Fukudome is hitting well.

Kosuke Fukudome is for real. But when you put him on the same field with Alfonso Soriano, it becomes clear that they aren't even playing the same sport.

Well, obviously. Fukudome plays nipponisme, a literal-sudden-death honor competition for Japanese robots to see how much “pain” they can inflict upon themselves (with pain measured in gigajoules). Duh. As if we haven’t noticed that Fukudome uses a samurai sword instead of a bat.

Fukudome emphasizes how selfish Soriano's play really is. Soriano, who's batting .094, will snap out of it and smack a lot of homers. When he gets hot, he'll do great things.

You see? It’s so simple. Fukudome has been hitting well, so he is unselfish. Soriano is hitting dumbly, so he is self-centered and doesn’t listen to my feelings even when I’m just pouring them out at him. How can the Cubs stand this guy? Great, so he’ll hit a bunch of homers. How in the fuck is that going to help our baseball team?

By the way, Matt Holliday started the year 1-18. What an egotistical monster!

But when he's cold, he has no way of getting out of it. Fukudome has dropped surprise bunts, hit long homers, worked deep into counts.

Listen, one of the things you listed is hitting long homers. If Soriano could hit long homers at will like you’re implying Fukudome can, I’m sure he would be doing this. We would have built statues of him in front of every stadium, synagogue and petting aquarium in America.

Someone tell Soriano that you don't get three runs for a 600-foot homer.

But you do in Distanceball, coming to the Outdoor Life Network and Black Lifetime in Spring 2009!

We have this stereotype about Japanese players, that they're fundamentally sound, playing for the team and doing things the right way.

Let me guess: you are about to say that this stereotype, like all others, is 100% true. We should probably just segregate America according to stereotypes.

Turns out, that's Fukudome. He did tip his cap after that ninth-inning homer on Opening Day, but when he has tried to join in with celebrations, it's funny-looking.

In summary...

Kosuke Fukudome: Had six good games, therefore unselfish. Japanese (humble, funny-looking).
Alfonso Soriano: Had six bad games, therefore selfish. Not Japanese (doesn't play right, hits home runs too far).

Stay tuned for the greatest article ever written about baseball. (I just wrote a teaser!)

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posted by Junior  # 5:20 PM
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