FIRE JOE MORGAN: An Open Letter To Theo Epstein: Version 1


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Wednesday, June 04, 2008


An Open Letter To Theo Epstein: Version 1

So, it's not going to happen, but with the Red Sox short one monster hitter for an indefinite amount of time (Papi), the name Barry Bonds has come up as a possible replacement. It's not even a legitimate rumor (jumbo shrimp / military intelligence, right people?!), but there is an argument to be made that he's one of the best available fits for the situation.

On this issue -- should the Red Sox pursue Barry L. Bonds -- we at FJM are squarely divided. So we're taking a bit of a departure from our usual nonsense to bring you the first of two open letters to Red Sox GM Theo Epstein. Stay tuned for a fiery, illogical, and misguided sequel from KT, a man who hates fun.


Dear Theo Epstein,

If you think it will help the Boston Red Sox, you should totally sign Barry Bonds.

I don't know you, but, like 90% of the other human beings I know, I love you. You are good at your job; you seem humble; and yet you had the stones to trade Nomar. Your team won it all, twice. New England likes the cut of your jib, and your form-fitting shirts. You've earned such respect from Sox fans that most people would have faith in you if you traded Ellsbury to Aston Villa for Alan Smith. And on top of that, you don't care about most people. So go ahead. Not because I or anyone says so, but because you in your near-infinite wisdom have decided it's best for the team. Sign Barry Bonds.

I like it when you call David Ortiz "David."

You'd know better than I if Barry Bonds can help the team, or if it's worth spending whatever it will take to get Bonds. Of course, there are no outstanding offers for Bonds that anyone knows of, so just how much could it cost, anyway? I mean, how much do you have to pay a dude to give him his only opportunity to pad his stats? Jesus, dude. Sign this guy already. (Assuming that you know he's ready to play, and you think it'll help, etc etc.)

I bet we both like the same kinds of music, and we could talk about that over Kelly's roast beef sandwiches.

Do you know what Barry Bonds' OBP was last year? Of course you do. You're a handsome genius. It was 480. He hit 28 taters in 340 ABs. Oh, also, this is cool: he's Barry Fucking Bonds. You can bat him in front of Manny Ramirez. And then Manny will be batting with at least one dude on base 48% of the time. That's assuming that Bonds will be as good as he was last year. Which of course he won't. But it will still be awesome.

Hey, man. What was your Haftarah parsha? Mine was Korach.

The real issue, of course, is steroids. Or cheating. Or lying about cheating? I don't really know. Let's put it this way: the other night, my friend Junior asked me, "Would you want the Red Sox to win the 2008 World Series if, on the same night they clinched, Red Sox DH Barry Bonds tested positive for steroids and HGH and let's say, for the fun of it, black tar heroin?"

Yes. Yes yes. Yes yes yes. I want the Red Sox to win the World Series. Also, if Bonds is the DH, that means they're winning the WS at Fenway. How can you pass that up? You think Gino from Brockton is going to care if Barry Bonds took some extra special medicine while he's dancing somewhere in short left-center along with 34,000 people who just want to pour beer on Mike Timlin's head and bang a townie? Nope sir.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like just to hug you. Just once.

Remember last year when you traded for Eric Gagne? You knew he was a roid dude. But you did it anyway. The fact that he had "cheated" in the past didn't prevent you from acquiring him. So Barry Bonds did it all on a bigger stage, and maybe benefited from it more. Does that make him any more morally reprehensible than any of the dudes who juiced at any point in their careers? Why does Bonds have to sit on the outside while Andy Pettite gets to toss his Godball under the bright lights? Hey, by the way, that guy sucks, right?

I bet you and I would make a pretty sweet doubles ping-pong team. We have a table in my garage...I'm just saying.

Do you think most Sox fans have cheated in some tiny form or another on their taxes? I do. I bet most of them have. I say these jerks are taking money away from poor people. When they deducted that round at Leo J. Martin as a business expense, they were taking money away from people who really needed it. Which do you think is worse, Theo Epstein/America? Stealing money from poor people, or taking banned substances to try to make yourself better at your job?

Exactly. So who are these assholes to tell you that if you sign Barry Bonds, you'd be somehow tainting the sanctity of Fenway Park? These jerkstores taint it every time they sit their thieving asses down in the bleachers, am I right? I've sort of lost the point of this rhetorical exercise, so I hope you're still on board.

I have "Manhattan" on DVD if you ever wanna watch it at our house the next time the Sox are playing in Anaheim. Holds up pretty well.

What are the other possible cons? The media circus? Even if you believe that the scrutiny of the media can actually affect the team, you'll remember that the Red Sox have performed for decades under what is generally considered the largest, most warped magnified glass in all of sports journalism. Hard to imagine Youkilis's OPS taking a nosedive if he has to answer questions about the size of Bonds's clubhouse recliner (which, by the way, should be five of the largest recliners available at Jordan's furniture fused together to form a Voltron-like megarecliner).

I bet our moms would like each other.

It's cool for baseball players to get cortisone injections, but they're not allowed to use other kinds of steroids. Tera Patrick should be more ashamed of what she does than Megan Fox. Most people wouldn't take a virtually harmless pill that would make them better at their jobs, if it were against company policy. What a shame it would be for lovable Bud Selig to have to watch his nemesis, Barry Bonds, finally win a World Series ring. To all of these related-only-in-my-head-statements, I say: BULLPOO. Think outside the bun.

Sign Barry Bonds.

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posted by dak  # 12:37 AM
Reader John P. writes in re: Manny batting with runners on >48% of the time:

As I'm sure others have reminded you, when Mr. Bonds (or any other batter, for that matter) hits a home run, he's no longer on base.

True. And he does hit a lot of home runs, due mostly to his awesomeness.

Of course, there's also a decent chance that Manny will have someone on base who Bonds stranded (unlikely!), so the real percentage would probably be higher than 48% (again, assuming a Bonds OBP of 480 which won't happen).
A few e-mails about the race issue. Yes, Bonds has made comments that he would never play in Boston because it's too racist. That was four years ago -- hard to know if his mind has changed now that nobody else wants him. (Reader Ben G. found the quotes in question here.)

Assume for a minute that Bonds would be willing to play in Boston. Let me throw this out there: might signing a high profile African-American baseball player, when nobody else wants him, help combat the racist image of the Boston sports world?
Reader Alex sends the e-mail I didn't even realize I was waiting for:

"Think outside the bun." = Food Metaphor.

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