FIRE JOE MORGAN

Ah, two weeks ago. The nation was young and innocent. The Patriots were a mere 5-0 instead of a dominant 7-0. The Dow Jones Industrial Average was soaring at just above 14,000 instead of struggling at just below 14,000. And the Arizona Diamondbacks were losing to the Colorado Rockies because of their woeful inexperience:

After spending most of the playoffs looking like seasoned contenders, the Arizona Diamondbacks are showing their age.

Arizona's 3-2, 11-inning loss to the Colorado Rockies on Friday night left the Diamondbacks in a 2-0 hole as the best-of-seven NL championship series heads to Denver.

The young Diamondbacks won't admit it, but their lack of postseason experience may be catching up to them.

Thank you, AP writer Andrew Bagnato. Flash forward to today. The Comebacks has been released, changing the way America sees sports spoof movies. Viva Laughlin has revolutionized the way we think about musical-dramedies set in Laughlin. And the Colorado Rockies are losing to the Boston Red Sox because of their woeful inexperience:

But, on baseball's biggest stage, Colorado has choked.

And that would mean the Rockies are guilty of nothing more than being human.

The Red Sox have been there, done that and got the T-shirts as a reminder of their championship experience.

What's the difference between the clutch hits delivered by Boston third baseman Mike Lowell and the runners stranded by Colorado counterpart Garrett Atkins? It's not talent. It's experience.

Kudos, Mark Kiszla of the Denver Post. It truly takes a man of courage to blame the Rockies' inexperience after a game in which one Boston rookie goes 4-5 with three doubles, two runs and two RBI, another goes 3-5 with a run and two RBI, and a third gets the win and two RBI of his own.

Colorado has swung the bat so anxiously and thrown so many mistake pitches to think anything except that their hearts are beating too fast. It's a natural overreaction by players in the World Series.

Sure, heartbeat overclocking could be a factor. Also a factor: Josh the Dragonslaying Mediocrity Fogg has ERAs of 4.94, 5.49 and 5.05 the past three years. Not a great pitcher. Ubaldo Jimenez, over six years of minor league play, had a BB/9 rate of 4.47. He was lucky to only give up two runs after yielding eight baserunners in 4.2 innings. Bit much to expect of him to both regulate the speed of his heartbeat and keep the walk-happy Sox from clogging up the basepaths when he couldn't really even do that to minor league hitters.

Yeah, the hitting's been bad. But does experience alone explain why Troy Tulowitzki's hitting .333 while Garrett Atkins is sitting at .100? Or can we just agree that it's an infinitesimal sample size and the Red Sox are, on balance, probably just a little bit better at baseball, not just at slowhearting?

Nope, we can't. If the Red Sox lose tonight, the blame will fall squarely on that inexperienced pre-rookie asshole Tacoby Bellsbury.

Labels: experience, tacoby bellsbury

Dave Krieger of the Rocky Mountain News just wrote an article riddled with ludicrous assumptions and just plain shoddy research. It's called:

Inexperience has its cost for Rockies

I forgive Dave, though, because without doing any fact-checking or investigative action I'm going to assume he's a rookie writer fresh off the turnip truck from journalism school. I will also willfully ignore his headshot.

The kid Rocks that stayed for the postmortem insisted it didn't affect them. The packed house, the playoff atmosphere, the biggest game any of them had played in a Colorado uniform.

The Rockies just got beaten by likely Cy Young runner-up Brandon Webb, 4-2. After winning 11 straight. Those choking kids!

It's possible, I guess. Psychoanalysis from the press box is worth less than it costs, which in this case is 75 cents.

At least Krieger, who is 11 years old, admits this much. This article was originally submitted to the Victoria Elementary Wildcat News. (These are guesses based on the text.)

Still, there were Rocks at-bats Friday night that did not resemble the confident plate appearances of their magic September carpet ride:

• Troy Tulowitzki striking out on a pitch in his eyes, looking for all the world like he was trying to hit the ball to Montana.

"Chased a pitch I probably shouldn't have swung at, but he was tough," Tulowitzki said of Diamondbacks ace Brandon Webb.

Webb has never struck out anyone with big-game experience. It's a tragic flaw in his game.

• Todd Helton coming up with Matt Holliday in scoring position in the eighth, one out, and rolling the ball to the pitcher on a first-pitch check swing.

Todd Helton! What a naif! This diaper dandy just learned to put on his own baseball pants! Inexperience has its cost, Helton. Wait a decade or two -- your time will come, kid.

• Yorvit Torrealba sacrificing a runner to third with one out in the seventh, down two runs, and Cory Sullivan striking out when all he needed to do was put the ball in play.

I mean, these guys are just bad. Okay, Cory Sullivan isn't terrible, I guess. Mediocre.

The fact is the Rocks have not been here before and experience matters in baseball's big games. As an organization, the Diamondbacks have played many more big games than the Rocks.

Yes, these D-backs sure are experienced. What with dueling aces Curt Schilling and Randy Johnson leading them to the promised land, Luis Gonzalez galvanizing the clubhouse, manager Bob Brenly at the helm, to say nothing of grizzled vets Mark Grace, Matt Williams, Steve Finley and Jay Bell grounding the team with years of wisdom ...

Wait. Oh, shit. Wait. I'm looking at the box score from last night. It's 2007. Fuck. Oh my god. These guys are like babies. They're like zygotes and shit.

The 2007 Diamondbacks are notorious for how young and inexperienced they are. Chris Young, Stephen Drew, Mark Reynolds, Conor Jackson ... these guys are rookies or damn near it. Justin Upton is 20 years old -- he couldn't drink the champagne at the division-clinching celebration!

This is the best part. Hey Dave Krieger, Mr. "As an organization, the Diamondbacks have played many more big games than the Rockies," you know how many postseason games the individual Diamondbacks who played Friday night have experienced?

Six. They were played by Tony Clark, who had one pinch hit at bat last night. He made an out despite his big game experience.

** EDIT **
Nope. The answer is 15. Six by Tony Clark, nine, in fact, by Eric Byrnes. Fire me!
** END EDIT **

Exactly zero of the other players besides Clark and Byrnes -- Webby, Jeff Cirillo, Augie Ojeda, crazy Jose Valverde -- have played in the playoffs.

But "as an organization" -- shut up! You think putting on the magical snake uniform (which is different from the ones in 2001, by the way) transfers big game experience through your skin by osmosis or something?

Justin Upton was born in 1987!!!

Meanwhile, Todd Helton has played in 1575 games. 5653 major league at bats. This guy knows how to fucking play baseball, no matter what the situation. He's amazing. Even though he's lost a lot of power, he OBPed .431 this year. You're saying because he hasn't been swept in a divisional series before he suddenly forgets know how to hit the baseball on September 28th?

Well, chalk it up to a green writer writing his first article about anything, ever. Give Krieger a few more years. He's only five years old. He just learned what letters are. Frankly, it's astounding that he put together this little piece full of ridiculous speculation. I look forward to your future output, little Davey. Maybe by 2029, you'll be able to generate a coherent sports column.

Labels: dave krieger, experience