FIRE JOE MORGAN

Now, before you read this next quote, remember that John Kruk is not just a fat sanctimonious dummy who apparently will do anything to protect the heretofore untarnished legacy of his old teammate Lenny Dykstra (and others). He is also J.D./PhD from Stanford. After graduating law school, Kruk was at Latham Watkins in NY for six years before being poached by Skadden, where he headed up their litigation team for eleven years, rising to Managing Partner in 2003.

So it means something when Kruk dispenses his legal opinions. To wit:

But you can't prove that they took anything! Just because you have 'em doesn't mean you took 'em. Now, common sense tells you if you're purchasing them you're probably going to use 'em also, but -- if there's no drug test, no failed drug test, how can you suspend anyone by hearsay? I mean, that's like arresting someone at 12 o'clock in the afternoon, saying, "About a week ago, you had a couple drinks and you were driving, so we're going to arrest you now." You can't do it unless you prove it.

Alcohol is not illegal. Many steroids are, when obtained the way these dudes often obtained them, I think. Also, in many cases, there is substantial corroborating evidence in the form of eyewitness testimony and credit card receipts and the like. To say nothing of the circumstantial evidence of: the users' injuries' healed quickly and they got better at baseball. But again, I'm no expert.

I also look forward to any of the named players stepping forward and claiming that they purchased, but did not use, steroids. Forgetting the validity of the legal arguments set forth by John D. Kruk, Attorney at Law, I just don't think the "I never injected" arguments would hold up that well in a MLB hearing (which is very different from a like Federal grand jury).

Labels: john kruk, mitchell report, steroids

I'm talking, of course, about the players who cheated and were caught.

I feel so bad for them. All they were trying to do is cheat and buy and use illegal drugs so that they could make more money and skew the history of baseball. Is that so wrong? Show me how that's wrong. And for cripe's sake, if you have to go ahead and investigate them and catch them cheating and lying and illegally purchasing and whatever, don't actually name them! What purpose does that serve?

But don't take my word for it. Take the word of famed genius and multiple-variation idiot John Kruk, on ESPN a second ago:

John Kruk: You know -- most of this is all hearsay. You heard Roger Cossack say that this stuff wouldn't stand up in a court. The thing I keep hearing from Mitchell and from Bud Selig is this: "Now we move forward. Now we move forward." If you want to move forward, why do you bring up names from the past who have nothing to do with the game of baseball right now? Mo Vaughn, Lenny Dykstra, David Justice -- guys who aren't involved in the game anymore. Why bring up their names? If you want to clean the game up, clean the game up. Those guys aren't dirtying the game anymore. They're out of it. So leave 'em out of it and move forward and get the guys who are. But again -- why do you gotta name the names? What is the purpose of naming the names of these people? Is it to satisfy the public? Is it to satisfy themselves? Why drag 'em all through the mud? Let them go. You got 'em, you call 'em in separately, privately, and you say, "Here's what we got on you, now you talk." If they don't want to talk, then you can do something as far as suspension. But you -- you don't have to get out in the public with this.

Forget for a minute that Krukie seems to lose his argument completely towards the end, where he advocates suspensions for players who are no longer playing the game. And forget for a minute that Mitchell clearly asked each and every player whose name came up in the investigation to come and speak with him on the record, and that they all declined. Instead, focus on this: if you used steroids, which is cheating, you deserve less than zero sympathy from anyone. You certainly don't deserve a get-out-of-jail-free card from Krukie.

Why name the names? Are you fucking kidding me?

No one who used this shit before the MLB testing policy was in place should be punished by the game itself. But their names? Those are ours, now, thank you.

I'm looking at you, Mike Stanton.

Labels: john kruk, mitchell report, steroids

Who enjoys cheap schadenfreude? Hit up this link on Beliefnet (I'm a big, big Beliefnet guy) and read the headline. Then read the byline.

Ah fuck it, I'll just print it here. The headline:

Living a Pure Life

The byline:

By Andy Pettitte and Bob Reccord with Mark Tabb

Can you believe Mark Tabb co-wrote this article?!?! The irony!

As a Christian I also have one goal. I want to fulfill God's purpose for my life. I constantly ask myself "What does God want me to do?"

Then God came to me in the middle of the night. He took the form of a beautiful woman, the most beautiful I'd ever seen. I was nervous, because what happens if seeing God gives you a boner? Is it a sin or does He/She understand and just chuckle to Him/Herself a little bit? But I didn't have to worry. Gorgeous She-God wasn't there to tempt me. He/She whispered in my ear three letters: HGH. Before I could explain to Him/Her that HGH was against the rules of baseball, God Woman was gone.

The next day, I saw God again. This time, God appeared in the form of my teammate, good friend, and hunting buddy, Roger Clemens. "Andy," God said, "I've been doing a lot of steroids. Like a literal buttload. Like a million trillion billion steroids. Unless you do steroids, too, I won't be your good friend and hunting buddy anymore." I nodded. God was so wise. He knew how much I needed a hunting buddy.

Finally, I saw God again the day after that. He took the form of my trainer, Brian McNamee. God said, "Don't worry, you'll love this needle. Roger says it's the softest one." So I let God do what He had to do. That's just one of the sacrifices you have to make when you make pleasing God Job Number One.

Those may sound like odd questions to ask in a book about purity. After all, doesn't purity just mean sexual purity? Hardly.

It also means you can only inject the purest HGH. I always ran my HGH through three Brita filters and then took it to a priest to get it blessed. Holy HGH, or HGodH as I call it, was the only chemical I would allow in my pure veins. I knew God would approve. In fact, a lot of my teammates started calling me HGodH. I beamed with pride whenever this would happen.

The question of God's purpose for my life both today and for the rest of my life makes everything else secondary, even baseball.

See, baseball was always secondary to me. Secondary to my moral code, my religion, my health, my family's respect for me. Secondary to my desire to have Roger think I was "cool," not "an uptight Christ-y dork." Baseball is just a sport, a sport with made-up "rules" written by human beings. America is just a country, a country with made-up "laws" written by other human beings.

God plays by his own rules, folks. And HGH is fucking legal as hell up in heaven. Babe Ruth holds the Heaven Baseball League single season record for homers with 446. And in heaven, the season is one game long.

Don't get me wrong. I know the Lord wants me to play baseball. After all, a man needs to have a job. But my career won't last forever. Eventually my life will take another turn. When that time comes, God's plan for me and my family will come first. With every decision I make I have to think about what the longterm effects will be.

Those effects include liver damage, hypogonadism, depression, enlarged heart, and a legacy forever tarnished. Is it worth it, God?

God (turns into a giant, anthropomorphic smiley-faced syringe): Does this answer your question?

Andy: Totally!

Labels: andy pettitte, god, mitchell report, steroids

The year he turned 35, Roger Clemens struck out 292 batters in the AL East, more than he had ever struck out in any other season of his illustrious career.

The year he turned 43, he posted an ERA of 1.87 (ERA+ of 226).

Those are numbers almost as comic book-y as Bonds' 73, his 762, his seasons of 293474854.340 OPSes.

The greatest hitter and the greatest pitcher of this era of baseball were both having superpower-juice regularly injected into their bodies.

And we may never know the names of all of the hundreds of other users.

Labels: barry bonds, mitchell report, roger clemens, steroids