FIRE JOE MORGAN: Joe Will be Here Momentarily


Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

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Friday, August 12, 2005


Joe Will be Here Momentarily

Buzzmaster: Hellooooooo! Joe will be here momentarily!

Ken Tremendous: Fantastic.

Joe Morgan: Hello! I'm looking forward to your questions today! I'm on the way to the airpot so I might have to cut it a little short today. I'm heading to the Cubs-Cardinals game.

KT: What's an "airpot?"

Scott Ziegler (Madison,WI): Joe was that the worst collision you've ever seen, Beltran and Cameron. That could have been alot worse.

Joe Morgan: Yeah, that's one of the worst I have seen. I saw one with Jesus Alou and a SS whose name I can't remember. The SS swallowed his tongue. That was pretty scary.

KT: I'm sure no-name SS who swallowed his tongue is honored by your memory of this event. It kind of sounds like a weird fairy tale Joe made up. "Jesus made a guy swallow his tongue once."

Ben (NY): I hate to bring this issue up again but... There are rumors everywhere that MLB will announce positive tests for 2 more players (described as bigger than Palmerio). My question is how do you stop the rumors from flying, If the public is even hearing rumors (for whatever they are worth) it is still distracting the fans from the game, and we've learned that most times when there's smoke there's fire.

Joe Morgan: The rumors are caused because if there is an appeals process before the announcement, things leak out. The Palmeiro thing, they said he tested positive in May I believe it was...

KT: The rumors are caused "because if there is an appeals process before the announcement, things leak out?" Did anyone even have a whiff of Palmeiro's positive for all that time? How about, "The rumors are caused by several players actually testing positive?"

Dan (Custer, MI): Joe given the way inflation has gone up over the years. How its effected contracts of players today. Does it ever make you wonder what kinda money you'd be playing for today?

Joe Morgan: I don't think about it. I'm very happy with the time I played. In my mind, I played during the greatest era of baseball. The 60s, 70s and 80s have the most HOFs than any other time. I didn't play the game for money. I got to play against Mays, Koufax, Gibson, Aaron, Frank Robinson, Clemente .. I got to play against all those great players in their prime and money can't buy that.

KT: I kind of admire you for saying this. However, "the 60's, 70's, and 80's have the most HOF than any other time," besides not being a sentence, is meaningless. You mean they have more HOF players than any other...three decades? Three contiuous decades? Also, maybe the 90's doesn't have as many because a lot of them are still playing? Maybe? Joe?

Andy (OH): Joe, when a team like the Cubs, with so much talent, bombs out like they are, how long before drastic changes need to be made?

Joe Morgan: I would think they would have to change their direction. They have put all their eggs on Prior and Wood. They have to go in a different direction.

KT: Here is a short play I have written:

(Scene: Cubs' clubhouse after a tough loss. Kerry Wood and Mark Prior stand at their lockers.)
Reporter: Guys, what do you think is causing this slump? Is it the terrible hitting? Is it the bad contracts? Is it that Dusty Baker is an awful, awful manager? Is it the poor defense? Is it the injuries?
Kerry Wood: No, it's none of those things.
Reporter: Then what is it?
(Mark Prior points to his and Kerry Wood's heads. There are eggs on them.)
Mark Prior: The team has put all of these eggs on us. Makes it hard to pitch.
(Flourish. Exeunt. Curtain.)

Brian (Philly): Joe, football question - What the heck would you do with a player like TO in your clubhouse?

Joe Morgan: First of all, he's not 100 percent wrong but he is wrong a lot of the time. It's something you have to deal with. Football is a little different from baseball in the approach to hold outs. Baseball contracts are guaranteed. A lot has been made of T.O's 7-year, $49 million contract. But it's not guaranteed. Philly could drop him and stop paying him. In baseball, once you sign the dotted line, you are obligated. Just because you sign a $49 million dollar contract doesn't mean you are getting $49 million.

KT: Well, okay...but he sure was, barring injury. This is not a Hines Ward situation. He played one year, held out, came back, refused to speak to his teammates, screamed at his coach, and got sent home. That sounds like "100% wrong" to me. On a side note, how come Joe Morgan, who incessantly talks about teams and team play and being a good teammate, continues to stick up for Gary Sheffield and now T.O., the two most selfish, me-first athletes in all of sports?

Bernie Williams: Where am I playing next year? How much for?

Joe Morgan: I think Williams will find another home but there might not be a lot of good places for him to go.

KT: A nice, classic, "refuse to answer the question" moment from Joe here. Acceptable answers would have been: any MLB team. Best answer: he takes a pay cut to stay in NY. The end.

Ted(New York): Can the Cleveland Indians keep it up, and make a strong push for the playoffs?

Joe Morgan: I think the Indians will continue to play well, as they did last year in the second half, but the A's are playing so well they will either win the division or the Wild Card.

KT: And...if they win the division, can the Indians win the wild card? Joe? Are you there?

Ariel: How good can David Wright become?

Joe Morgan: I don't think anyone can predict. It depends how much he wants to learn and improve. But I've talked to him and he has a great mindset. He has so much ability, it's just a matter of continuing to grow and progress. He's a very very good player.

KT: Why does Joe Morgan flat-out refuse to answer questions sometimes? He is constantly saying things like "there's no way to tell" and "I wasn't there, so I don't know" and "no one can predict". I think we all know that it is impossible actually to predict the future. We know you are not an augurer, Joe. We know you are not Tiresius. It's okay to offer your opinion. I am go goddamn tired of writing these words.

Jesh (Charlotte): Greg Maddux got complete game 106 yesterday. Will another pitcher ever get into the triple digits?

Joe Morgan: I don't know where some guys are in terms of complete games, but as for young players, I would say no. The game has just changed completely in terms of that stat.

KT: I timed myself. From the moment I read this question, I was able to get this information...


Roger Clemens 117

Greg Maddux 106

Randy Johnson 92

Curt Schilling 82

Kevin Brown 72

Mike Mussina 54 21 seconds. So, the answer is: Johnson maybe, Schilling maybe, Brown no, Mussina almost definitely not. Twenty-one seconds, Joe. You should use one of those computers that the Oakland A's invented to calculate OBP, which they also invented. A computer helps you answer questions about baseball, which is a computer game the Oakland A's invented.

Doug (Fairfax, CA): Should Ken Macha get serious consideration for manager of the year? What Bobby Cox has done is great but it can be argued that what Macha has done is better, not to mention the fact that he's always overshadowed by Billy Beane.

Joe Morgan: You're pretty smart, Doug. It seems when the A's play well, it's Billy Beane. When they don't, it's Macha. Macha kep the ship afloat when they were so far under .500. He kept them pointed in the right direction. Last year, someone asked how I could say Macha was doing a great job when it was Beane who got him the players. The manager is the one who handles the players and that's where the job gets done on a day to day basis.

KT: I just had a stroke. In reality, where, admittedly, Joe does not live, if you listen to the press, when the A's don't play well, it's beacause Billy Beane's cockamamie philosophy has finally bitten them in the ass. When they do play well, Macha is doing a great job. In reality, Beane is a genius, who took it on the chin for the Mulder deal when that has without question kept them alive this year. And Macha is straight-up a pretty good manager, who wasn't bad when they were losing and isn't a genius now that they're winning.

Michael (NJ): Joe, If you were able to play today, what three stadiums would you most like to play in on a regular basis (forget how good or bad the team is, answer strictly on the stadium and the field). Thanks.

Joe Morgan: Probably Minute Maid Park. It seems to be the easiest to hit the ball out of down both lines.

KT: Great. Now just name the other two, and you have answered the question.

Teddy (NYC): If you could ask Bud Selig or Bob Dupuy one thing about their handling of the steroid issue, what would it be?

Joe Morgan: Whatever happened to the power the commissioner had that he could make decisions in the best interests of the game which would allow him to do more in terms of the steroid controversy?

KT: That is amazing. Your one question to the commissioner about the steroid issue is whatever happened to the power of the commissioner to deal with the steroid issue. Also, still waiting for those two other parks.

Joe Morgan: I loved your questions again this week .. you are asking more and more ''baseball'' questions which is great.

KT: Yeah. It's about time people started asking "baseball" questions in a "baseball" chat with a former "baseball" player turned "baseball" analyst. Good work, Joe!

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posted by Anonymous  # 12:49 PM
I can't wait to see how many people find this post by doing a google search for "Joe Morgan+augurer."
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