FIRE JOE MORGAN: I Am Sad To Announce:

FIRE JOE MORGAN

Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

FJM has gone dark for the foreseeable future. Sorry folks. We may post once in a while, but it's pretty much over. You can still e-mail dak, Ken Tremendous, Junior, Matthew Murbles, or Coach.

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Saturday, September 17, 2005

 

I Am Sad To Announce:

Joe Morgan has not yet been released by his kidnappers, who continue to answer his chat questions with entirely un-Morgan-like reason and coherence. This is extremely sad for everyone who enjoys nonsense.

The Friday chat is pretty boring. There are two things I thought were a little funky -- perhaps Joe's ramblings while tied up in the kidnappers' basement has started to wear off on them. Look at their answer to these two questions about the NL Cy Young race:

Stephen Smith, East Greenbush, NY: Joe, I can't understand why Dontrelle Willis isn't even getting mentioned in the talk for the Cy Young. Keeping his Marlins in contention, 21 wins already, an ERA under 2.50 . . . although Carpenter also has 21 wins, an ERA even lower, and 60 more strikeouts. So I guess I answered my own question!

Lucas (Chicago): D-Train is only the 3rd pitcher to ever have 20 wins and 20 hits in the same season!!!

Joe Morgan: That's right. And you have to take EVERYTHING into consideration when you are voting for the Cy Young award. Best pitcher must take all things into consideration. Sure pitching statistics come first, and Carpenter is leading those categories ... partly because his Cardinals score runs.

The idea that one should consider a pitcher's offensive stats when voting for the Cy Young Award is miserably off-base. The MVP Award is the one that has vague criteria. The Cy Young Award is for the best pitching performance. It makes no more sense to consider a pitcher's hitting stats when deciding the Cy than it does to consider a hitter's fielding stats when considering the Henry Aaron Award, or an actor's producing skills when choosing the Oscars. One wonders what Joe's kidnappers would suggest we do in the American league, where pitchers, last I checked, do not hit. Should we consider their charitable contributions? Or perhaps their krumping* skills? Yes, that's it. We'll have Buerhle, Garland, and Colon clash in a krump-off. Or perhaps a slam poetry battle? Should I keep going with this? No? Okay.

It should also be noted that, although the kidnappers did a good job of imitating Joe's crazy brain when answering the first part of this question, they blew it when they wrote that Carpenter is being helped in some of his stat categories by the offensive performance of his team. That is far too logical and reasonable and correct a point for the real Joe ever to have made.

There's only one more time the kidnappers do a really good job of imitating Joe's voice. Check out this rambling bunch of randomly-spliced-together words:

Lucas (Chicago): I think that it is not a problem with a dh winning an MVP, even though I think A-Rod wins it. What is your stance on a DH getting the MVP?

Joe Morgan: Well, first of all, I'm not a fan of the DH, but I am a fan of David Ortiz. If I was voting, I would have to give it to A-Rod because he plays everyday -- and I mean everyday. The one difference is, if you are a DH, by your fourth atbat, you are just as fresh as you were your first atbat. That's not true of someone who plays the field. Miguel Tejada and David Ortiz are my two favorite guys. They have fun playing the game -- not that others guys do not -- but I think these two are pretty special in the way they play the game and all that they give to their team in and out of the clubhouse. All that said, a DH is just that -- a designated hitter.

(a) David Ortiz also plays every day. (b) the fact that he is still "fresh" should not count against him (or any other DH), even if the fact that he does not play in the field should (and I do think it should). (c) Miguel Tejada? Who the hell asked about Miguel Tejada? He is neither a DH nor an A-Rod. (d) why does it matter that you like Miguel Tejada and David Ortiz? The question is about the DH winning the MVP. (e) The last sentence, though I know what you mean, I guess, is unhelpful.

There are a couple of other answers like this, but overall, I find it to be light years more advanced than the average, pre-kidnapping Joe Morgan chat. Let us all pray for the safe return of Joe Morgan, so that we may once again laugh at and enjoy how bad he is at his job.

*krump: (n.) the dance non-phenomenon documented in the movie Rize. Krump is often confused with "Crunk," a style of music popularized by Lil' Jon, the Ying Yang Twins, etc. "Crunk" is also an adjective used to describe things that are, for lack of a better phrase, "off the heezy."

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posted by Ken Tremendous  # 5:20 PM
Comments:
KT-

I'm going to assume you meant "krumping," the dance non-phenomenon documented in the movie Rize. "Crunk" is a style of music popularized by Lil' Jon, the Ying Yang Twins, etc. It is also an adjective used to describe things that are, for lack of a better phrase, "off the heezy."

You're welcome.
 
Murbles--

You must have stopped reading my post before you got all the way to the end, because I totally knew all of that. Read it again. See?
 
Curse you and your retroactive editing!
 
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