FIRE JOE MORGAN: "Too Busy?" Not For a JoeChatâ„¢


Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

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Saturday, April 15, 2006


"Too Busy?" Not For a JoeChatâ„¢

Buzzmaster: Hellooooooooo! Joe Morgan is finishing up an interview with Dan Patrick and will be joining us in just a few minutes .. how's everyone feeling after the first week of the season? Still optimistic or already throwing in the towel? Remember, it's a looooong season!

Ken Tremendous: You're telling me, Buzzmaster. I was just in Tahiti for a week, but now I'm back, my head is clear, and I can't wait to--

Joe Morgan: Hello! Baseball is off to an interesting start! A lot of teams we didn't expect to do well are on top already. I'm ready for your questions!

--oh shit. I'm not ready for this.

Vik (Chicago): Joe, why is everyone around Boston trying to get Papelbon into the rotation? They desperately need a closer and he seems to fit that bill pretty well.

Joe Morgan: First of all, a starting pitcher is always better than a closer. It's tougher to get to the ninth inning that it is to close it out. They are hoping Foulke will get back to his closer role. Starters are in much higher demand. Just look back to the Braves and Maddux, Smoltz, etc. They never had a great, dominate closer. But they still won the division.

KT: The hilarious thing about this, to me, isn't just that Joe has seemingly forgotten about like Mark Wohlers and John Rocker and so forth. The hilarious thing to me is that the most dominate [sic] closer in Braves' history was John Smoltz, whom Joe mentions in the sentence about how they never had a dominate [sic] closer.

Tim (Cincinnati, OH): Hey Joe, just picked up the new MLB 2K6 game for the Xbox 360...How long did it take you to record all those lines, your great in it BTW...

Joe Morgan: Tooo long! Actually, last year it took me about 20 hours maybe. This year it was less because we had some things in the box. This year it took maybe 16 hours total.

KT: Nothing too egregious here. I just like the sentence: "This year it was less because we had some things in the box." That makes me laugh.

Jon (New York): Hey Joe, I'm a diehard pirates fan tell me something positive. please?

Joe Morgan: The only thing is that you will need your young pitchers to step up and get it done. Just hope for that.

Jon (New York): What?!? That's the best you can do? That's "something positive?" It's just a weird cliche! I don't even understand what you mean! (kills self)

Carter (Belmont, MA): An article yesterday reported that the Marlins will be forced to trade Dontrelle due to insufficient funding on a new stadium. Which race will become a bigger story: The race for the Rocket or the race for Dontrelle?

Joe Morgan: Obviously it would depend on the teams but I would say Dontrelle.

KT: Cool. He answered the question. The race for Dontrelle will be a bigger story.

He has more long term potential.

Wow. He even explained why. This is going really well.

The Marlins won't be forced to trade Dontrelle.

Oh buh-ruther.

(Those sentences are consecutive, by the way. No internal editing of Joe's words.)

Casey (Memphis): Manny seems to be getting another slow start? Do you think it's just him aging, or is something of greater concern?

Joe Morgan: Anybody that is concerned about Manny doesn't understand the game. He will put up great numbers as he always does. No reason to be concerned.

KT: I know this is the pat answer to this question, and I know that basically Joe is accidentally using sabermetrics' old friend the Small Sample Size to make his point. However, a more thorough analysis of this question might have involved: Manny had a slow start last April as well, so maybe, just maybe, this is a trend for an almost-34 year-old guy. Or, it might have involved saying something about how he has truly looked horrible at the plate thus far, without any of his trademark balance and plan-of-attack that makes him so tough -- i.e. that it's not like he's been hitting the ball hard, but at people. Failing any of that, Joe, you maybe could have just, I don't know, not outright insulted the guy who was seeking your advice. Try that next time -- you don't even have to do any research!

Vik (Chicago): Do you think Andruw Jones 50 HR season was an aberrition, or can he repeat that performance this year?

Joe Morgan: I don't think it was an abberation.

KT: So you think he will consistently hit 50?

HR hitters hit in cycles and are streaky.

Oh...sorry. You don't think he will consistently hit 50. You think he will be streaky.

It seems to me he will have more hot streaks than before and that will add up close to 50.

Oh...sorry again. You think he will be streaky, but consistently streaky, and will again hit 50. Great.

Denver, CO: Hi Joe, Do you see any production from the big two (Woods and Prior) of the Cubs this year or will it be another bust like 2005?

Joe Morgan: I think they will get some production out of the two this year, but it should be icing on the cake and not the whole cake. I like the Cubs attitude of going forward without them.

Chicago, IL

Baker: Guys, bad news. We've lost Prior, and we've lost Wood.
Walker: What are we gonna do, skip?
Baker: What can we do? We are canceling the season.
(Players start packing up gear, making off-season plans, etc. Joe Morgan enters.)
Joe Morgan: Hey guys. Listen up. You don't have to give up. There's a different way.
Players (in unison; baffled): Huuuuhhhhhh?!
Joe Morgan: You can change your attitude to: "let's go forward without them."
(Players ponder this; several do old-timey actual scratchings of tops of heads; Baker chews toothpick; several minutes pass)
Baker: Let's give it a shot!
Players: tossing caps in the air Hurrrrah! Thank you Joe Morgan!
Flourish. Exeunt. Curtain.

Tim (Cincinnati, OH): Did you hear Pete Rose's interview on the Dan Patrick show the other day, Do you believe he should be able to get put on the voters card so he can have a chance to get voted in?

Joe Morgan: Someone told me he was on but I didn't hear it. What exactly did he say?

KT: Oh boy. Does Joe understand that computers and phones aren't the same? That this guy can't just answer him? I guess not, because he just continues with the chat.

d (st. louis): Did you see the piece on Darren Daulton? He has some inner demons from his playing days

Joe Morgan: I saw the piece. He was one of my favorite players. I read the story also until it bothered me and I stopped. I didn't like what I was reading. I guess I was disappointed about the jail time, etc. I didn't read the whole thing because it just bothered me.

KT: Joe in a nutshell. Stops doing something that would make him better informed because it "bothers him." This guy is an Emmy-winning journalist, remember.

Josh (Lakeland, FL): Joe now that they have new owenership whats your take on the Devil Rays? Do you think they are moving in the right direction?

Joe Morgan: Tough question. I don't know the new owners or what their gameplan is...

KT: Emmy. Winning. Journalist.

Tim (Cincinnati, OH): What are you more proud of, your two MVP's or two world series rings.

KT: Hardball question from Tim, there, Joe. Be careful how you answer this.

Joe Morgan: They both go hand in hand. I wouldnt' have been MVP without getting to the World Series or have gotten to the World Series without being MVP!

KT: Do I really need to make a list of league MVPs who did not get to the WS? Or teams who got to the WS without the league MVP on their rosters? No, I don't. You all know how stupid a comment this is.

I guess if I had a choice of the two, you always want to win a championship. You get labeled if you are a great player who never won a championship. But I wouldnt' give any of them back!

KT: Will you give back your Emmys?

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