FIRE JOE MORGAN: JoeChat (Non-Porny-Chat-Site Version)


Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

FJM has gone dark for the foreseeable future. Sorry folks. We may post once in a while, but it's pretty much over. You can still e-mail dak, Ken Tremendous, Junior, Matthew Murbles, or Coach.

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Tuesday, August 01, 2006


JoeChat (Non-Porny-Chat-Site Version)

Depending on your definition of porn, I guess. (see post below) is more "traditionally" porny, but our JoeChat is certainly still offensive to many people with refined aesthetics.

Buzzmaster: We've got Joe!

Ken Tremendous: Great! Keep him! (rim shot)

kerry, katonah, ny: If anyone would know Joe, it's you. How good is Robinson Cano? Is he the long term second baseman for the Yankees?

Joe Morgan: I think he's a very good player. Right now, he's a very good offensive player than defensive player.

KT: Say again? "He's a very good offensive player than defensive player?" I think you meant, "He's a mucher more gooder offensive player contrabalanced versus defensive make-plays-man."

It's easier to learn defense. I think he'll be a very good player for a long time.

KT: Do you realize you've written the word "player" four times in four sentences?

Defensive problems come from concentration lapses.

KT: Or, presumably, not being good at defense? No?

Nick (New Jersey): Mr. Morgan, is Big Papi the best clutch hitter you've ever seen?

Joe Morgan: I very rarely ever say the best I've ever seen, unless I'm talking about Willie Mays.

"Hey, Joe -- how about this omelet? Is this not the best omelet ever?"
"Willie Mays."

He's a great hitter. He's the best clutch hitter of his generation. I said two years ago that he was a great clutch hitter and that was before some of his more recent heroics

KT: Many of our readers have pointed out a trait of Joe's I had previously missed; namely, that he seemingly lays claim to just about every observation anyone has ever made. He constantly works into these chats sentences like this one here: "I said two years ago that David Ortiz was good!" Watch for it, especially during his Sunday Night Baseball tele-disasters. They're a constant barrage of "I've been saying for years that Albert Pujols is the best hitter in the game" and "I said when I saw Beltran in spring training that he was going to have a good year" and "I knew in 1983 that Barry Bonds was going to be great" and "I predicted last October that You, Me, and DuPree was going to underperform at the box office."

Miami,FL: why do you think that the nationals did not trade alfonso soriano? Also, why do you think that roger clemens didn't go to boston? do you think he might have something to the owner?

Joe Morgan: It surprises me that they didn't trade him. It tells me that they think that they can sign him for next year. But he's going to be a free agent. I think it was a mistake, personally, but if they can sign him, it wasn't a mistake.

KT: What I like about this is that the guy asks about Soriano and Clemens, and Joe's answer employs only the pronouns "him" and "he" for a player and "they" for a team, with no antecedent for either. And yet, the answer applies accurately to both Soriano and Clemens (although he is most likely talking only of Soriano). Joe is either the most efficient answerer ever, or he stopped reading after the first part of the question. Guesses?

Scott (DC): Joe, What more puzzling? Soriano not being dealt or Clemens/Oswalt/Lidge being rumored to be dealt?

Joe Morgan: I knew that Oswalt was in a deal. I hadn't heard anything about Clemens. It's surprising to me if the owner had said to trade one guy. He probably just wanted to improve the team.

1. You did not answer the question.
2. "It's surprising to me if the owner had said to trade one guy?" Which guy? What are you saying?
3. Of course he wanted to improve his team.
4. "The owner"'s name is Drayton McLane. You should know that.

Jeff (Sioux Falls SD): Which stadium is the most underratedd?

Joe Morgan: That depends what you're talking about. I would say Seattle.

KT: doesn't depend on what he's talking about?

Barry ((Providence,RI)): How does Abreu's aquisition effect Sheffield's chance of getting the option picked up?

KT: Excellent question. So good, in fact, that I would like to ask Joe to answer it by spontaneously writing a free-verse slam poem, entitled, "It Doesn't Look Good."

Joe Morgan: It doesn't look good. Obviously, I don't know what's in their minds, but it doesn't look good for Sheffield. Matsui's already signed to a long deal and so is Damon. It doesn't look good for Sheffield.

KT: Nicely done.

Drew (MIdland Tx): Hello Joe: I'm a huge Yankees fan and I know about Abreu, and Wilson; but not much about Lidle. I know he's an upgrade as the 5 starter (Ponson...HA-HA-HA), but just how good is his stuff right now. Oh, and how will these moves impact the Yanks...Al East?, Wildcard?, World series???

Joe Morgan: I don't know a ton about Lidle, but I do think he'll be able to help them. He can give them some innings and help the rotation. If they can get him some runs, they can win.

KT: Those of you who play the JoeChat home game will recognize this as the template answer for the question: "Will PITCHER X help my favorite team?"

Joe: "I don't know a ton about PITCHER X, but I do think he'll be able to help them. He can give them some innings and help the rotation. If they can get him some runs, they can win.

Works for every pitcher in every situation. It's the equivalent of a meteorologist saying, "Partly cloudy, chance of showers." Except this meteorologist is a multiple Emmy-winner and among the highest-paid color commentators in America.

Kevin (Manassas): Hey Joe..Can Cesar Izturis start playing like an all-star again with the Cubs? I think him and Cedeno at second will be a nice young middle infield, and hopefully we won't have to see Neifi Perez a much.

KT: Pay close attention to Joe's first two sentences here.

Joe Morgan: He was one of my favorite players before he got injured. I haven't seen him play this year to see how strong his arm is. (...)

KT: The essence of Joe. He was one of my favorite players. I never watch him play.

Carson (Dallas): Hello Joe, why don't we see many big time base stealers anymore? What happened to guys like Willie Wilson, Henderson, and Coleman?

Joe Morgan: The game has changed. We went through a spell where everyone was looking for a three-run homer. Now it's a lost art. Not many people know how to do it anymore. Now, it's all home runs, home runs.

KT: Baseball is so stupid. It used to be that teams made low-percentage maneuvers when trying to score runs. Now they make higher-percentage maneuvers. What idiots. If everyone bunted and stole bases all the time, offenses would be as good as they were in the 1960's and '70's.

You know what else is a lost art? Using reel-to-reel tape recorders to record music.

NickT (NewJersey): Hey Joe, I was wondering do you think Randy Johnson lost his stuff, or is he just having a bad year?

Joe Morgan: Well, at this age, there's no such thing as a bad year. (...)

KT: That's right. Because performance is graded on an age curve. Every year over 38 you get to take an increasing percentage off your era to get your AAERA (Age-Adjusted ERA). RJ is 42, and even though his ERA is over 5.00, his AAERA is a sterling 2.61! Which is awesome, except that this is made-up.

I know Joe is kind of kidding here, but the answer is: he's lost his stuff, a little. Not all of it. But some. The DRays kicked the crap out of him the other day, a result he now encounters about 25x more than he did even a few years ago.

I will now present a slightly -- slightly -- edited version of Joe's sign-off. All I have done is remove a sentence or two -- no additions.

Joe Morgan: I spent the weekend in Cooperstown. It was a great occaision. I thought it was great. It's always great to be there and it's always great when great players take their rightful place in the Hall of Fame.

KT: Sounds great!

Buzzmaster: Thanks to Joe for stopping by. Next up is Rob Neyer!

KT: Thank god. Help is on the way.

Labels: ,

posted by Unknown  # 2:33 PM
Reader Sean adds:

[Y]ou mention Joe's desire to plant a flag in the idea that Ortiz is good. In addition to the weird grand-standing involved, there's another small issue - you don't really get a prize for noticing that Ortiz did a good job in the 2004 season, a baseball season that, in the end, went fairly well for him.
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