FIRE JOE MORGAN: A Very Special Holiday Message

FIRE JOE MORGAN

Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

FJM has gone dark for the foreseeable future. Sorry folks. We may post once in a while, but it's pretty much over. You can still e-mail dak, Ken Tremendous, Junior, Matthew Murbles, or Coach.

Main / Archives / Merch / Glossary / Goodbye

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

 

A Very Special Holiday Message

Hey everyone. Ol' Kenny T. is heading back to the East Coast for some family time. My Department Head here at Fremulon Insurance (Rick Basket -- good guy, die-hard Cards fan) was kind enough to give me and Mrs. Tremendous a full 2 weeks off for the holidays. I will, as always, be on the lookout for terrible sports journalism, but in case I don't post again for a while, I wanted to wish you and yours a Happy Holiday Season!

Sincerely,

Ken T.
Senior Pension Plan Monitor
Fremulon Insurance,
Partridge, KS

Labels:


posted by Ken Tremendous  # 3:30 AM
Comments:
I just wanted to chime in here and wish everyone a calculated, objectively pre-determined holiday season.

I recommend that everyone design a metric to calculate which family members he or she loves the most; and purchase gifts, spend time and emotional energy accordingly.

Love,
dak
 
Also, Ken -- I never asked.

How are things down in Fremulon's Argentina division?
 
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
 
We are taking a bath in Argentina. I don't even want to talk about it.

Also, I did a VORR (Value Over Replacement Relative) analysis, and the results shocked me:

Older Sister: 23.3
Mom: 19.8
Dad: 12.6 (!!!)
Younger Sister: 8.8
Cousin: 3.1 (makes sense -- he was injured most of the year)
Uncle: -1.1

I was going to get my dad a pair of fancy sunglasses, but after crunching the numbers I scaled back to a 3-month NetFlix subscription. Yet another way statistics have saved people money.
 
Hey KT -- sorry to hear about FI-ARG. I know how much that means to you.

Anyway, funny story. December 1988. Little ten-year-old dak is crunching his first ever set of VORR's. Crude calculations, sure, but enough to get the job done.

First number: Mom. Comes out to 0.0. "That can't be right," dak says to himself.

Next up: Dad. 0.1. "Huh?" Sis: 0.0. "What the?" Uncle Larry: -0.1. "Really?"

I go back over the numbers. Everything looks right to me. Somehow, the numbers I was getting suggested that my relatives were a lot more like replacement relatives than real relatives.

And believe it or not, that's when I realized I was adopted.
 
Post a Comment

<< Home

Archives

04.05   05.05   06.05   07.05   08.05   09.05   10.05   11.05   12.05   01.06   02.06   03.06   04.06   05.06   06.06   07.06   08.06   09.06   10.06   11.06   12.06   01.07   02.07   03.07   04.07   05.07   06.07   07.07   08.07   09.07   10.07   11.07   12.07   01.08   02.08   03.08   04.08   05.08   06.08   07.08   08.08   09.08   10.08   11.08  

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?