FIRE JOE MORGAN

Fire Joe Morgan is happy to announce that we've finally brokered a deal with Fremulon Insurance's legal team, wherein FJM now has the rights to distribute the Fremulon "unity diamond" logo and Fremulon merchandise. It was a pretty intense negotiation, as I'm sure you can all imagine.

In the end, Fremulon's in-house attorneys agreed that, despite Ken Tremendous's frequent complaints about management and senseless business trips to Buenos Aires, FJM had, in fact, done a fine job of publicizing the Fremulon name. Thanks to Herb Plaam for making this all possible.

Available here.

Remember, these things are customizable, so you can change the color of the shirt, or the kind of shirt or whatever. Unfortunately you can not change the name "Zazzle."

Labels: fjm, fremulon insurance, merch

Sorry for the lack of posts, you guys. The insurance industry is not exactly at its zenith right now. On my desk are 3500 pages of subpoenas requesting records that have been long since shredded, and while your humble narrator remains innocent of any wrongdoing, one would guess that several of my compatriots will soon be doing perp walks outside the Partridge, KS town courthouse. Bill Gristleman, Chad Thinson, Emerson Queltz, James Jimson, Hap Gerdle, Avery Klumhauser, Gern Blenston...all my friends. They'll all be gone soon. Oh, Fremulon, we hardly knew ye.

So what's a guy to do? How about: submit to the temptation to be baited by a dumb article entitled "8 Reasons Why Baseball is Lame and Boring" by the pseudonymous "J-Mo." That selfsame pseudonym, as well as the general tone of the article, suggests that the only reason for its existence is to get picked up by angry bloggers like me and drive traffic to the dank, dark, msn/lifestyle/men corner of the worldwideternets.

But screw it. I'm in a fightin' mood.

In just about every U.S. city, if you’re not a fan of baseball, you might as well not be American. Harboring an aversion to the sport is equivalent to burning Old Glory—especially here in Boston, where I live.

This is correct.

What? You don’t know Big Papi’s slugging percentage? That’s an immediate flogging.

It's up to .459, after a very disturbing and PECOTA "Collapse Rate"-style fear-inducing .375 in 96 April AB. .608 in May is more like it. Anyway, yes, I would flog you, if I still lived in Boston.

Tell anyone you’d rather walk along the Charles River than spend an afternoon at Fenway Park? You’re looking at five years in Guantanamo Bay, pal.

That seems extreme. The flogging will suffice.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not some kind of a namby-pamby anti-sports guy. Football is a part of my DNA and most of my shirts growing up were the color of blood. But let's face it: Baseball is lame and boring. At the risk of being cuffed and detained by Homeland Security (which, by the way, is why I’m writing this article under a pseudonym), here are eight reasons why.

Before we get going here, let me just say that "boring" is probably the #1 complaint of non-baseball fans about the game of baseball. The standard counter-argument -- and it's a good one -- is that there is much to enjoy about the non-action periods of a game. The positioning of fielders, the psychological drama of pitcher vs. batter, the strategizing, the fact that the defense puts the ball into play on its own schedule, the fact that somehow the game has evolved perfectly so that a runner with just big enough a lead to not get picked off first who starts running exactly when the pitcher goes into a delivery from the stretch will slide into second at almost exactly the moment that the ball can travel from pitcher's hand to catcher's mitt to catcher's hand to second baseman's glove, and so on. If you don't subscribe to this theory, and long for the exactly-as-long-gametime and exactly-as-many-moments-of-actual-action of the NFL, there's probably no way to change your mind. My point is only this: it's very hacky and boring to say that baseball is boring, because anyone who doesn't like baseball is going to say it's boring.

Schedule
Can we agree on this? One hundred and sixty two games in a regular season is 142 too many.

You want 20 baseball games a year? Seriously? You want the season to last from April 1 to April 25? You want each team to play each other team once, with like 5 interleague games? You want the May Classic? You want that?

Come on. By the time July rolls around, a game-winning home run or strike out in the bottom of the ninth doesn’t mean squat, except that it’s finally time to go to bed. Knock the schedule down to one game a week and then we might have something to look forward to,

Ah. You want one game a week. Keep the calendar the same, just spread the games out so thin you forget the season's still happening. And knock the revenue down 85%. And make it as hard to see in person as football. Awesome.

Here's the thing, though, J-Mo: the joy of baseball is that the season stretches out over a long period of time, and they play every night. That's what separates the game from other games. Shit's poetic, holmes. Baseball is poetic. It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. (I just came up with that! I am a genius.)

just as long as we don’t have to endure pregame interviews and press conferences all week long. Ugh.

Anyone want to stick up for basketball or football press conferences and postgame interviews as being more interesting than those in baseball? (Clinton Portis excepted.)

And while we're talking about this, anyone want to say that the baseball season is more boring than the NBA playoffs, in which 28 of the 30 teams qualify, and then play best-of-seven series against each other from March to the following February?

Physical Fitness
It’s no shocker that you don’t have to be Mr. Universe to play baseball, but some guys look like they’ve been chewing on North Carolina pulled pork in the dugout instead of tobacco.

Brought to you by J-Mo Smokeless Tobacco. J-Mo: It's Less Fattening Than Pork!

Take a look back a few years and it’s even worse.

So...the "problem" you're describing is getting better.

Milwaukee tumors were as commonplace a generation ago as Camaros with T-tops. It’s no wonder steroids are such a problem in the league today. Why work out when all you have to do is shoot up?

Baseball: the only sport where athletes use steroids.

Also, as far as I am concerned, the less-than-chiseled silhouettes of some MLB players is a huge vote in favor of baseball as the People's Game. It has also led to some of the most excellent quotes in sports history, like when Terry Francona, told that Kevin Youkilis's nickname is "The Greek God of Walks," responded, "I've seen him in the shower. He isn't the Greek god of anything."

Fair-Weather Sport
Ask any football, soccer, rugby, or lacrosse player what they think about rain delays in baseball and they’ll likely give you an answer we can’t print here.

"Fuckshit!" they'll say, those foulmouthed lax players.

What they’ll imply is that baseball players are a little less manly than other athletes simply because they won’t play in the rain. What’s the worst that could happen?

The game will be impossible to play, and no one will watch it.

Slower pitching? More runs scored? A few extra scratches and bruises? (Boo-hoo.)

It's not a contact sport, dummy. It's a precision sport. You don't perform knee surgery in the rain either.

Stealing second means sliding into left field? Sounds like we have a way to make baseball less lame and boring.

Yes. Play it in the rain. Excellent idea. You know what else would be cool? Opening a petting zoo at the bottom of the Mariana Trench.

Statistics
If I want a lesson in mathematics, I’ll walk through the halls of MIT, not the turnstiles of Yawkey Way. We’re supposed to be enjoying ourselves, aren’t we?

Oh, we're enjoying ourselves, J-Mo. And here's the thing about statistics, which to me seems self-evident, but to pseudonymous blowhards might not: you don't have to use them, if you don't want to.

On-base percentages, opponent on-base plus slugging percentages, sabermetrics … Alan Greenspan might enjoy crunching the numbers, but for those of us who’d rather leave our brains at work, the cold-beverage-intake-to-bladder-outflow ratio makes a whole lot more sense.

Bra. Seriously, bra. Fuck these nerds. For serious. True story, bra -- I'm at the game yesterday. I'm wasted. Seriously, bra, I've had like eleven brews. I'm there with my boy Donnie -- awesome guy. Solid guy. The papers call him the "Laundry Room Rapist." So Donnie's like, "Bra, you want another one?" And I'm like, "Shitchyea, dude! I ain't driving!" And Donnie's all, "Bra, you are driving, remember?" And I was like, "Ohhhh shit!" And we high-five, right?

So basically everything was awesome. We were crushing it, bra. And then, this little fucking nerd in front of us is like, "Can you be careful? You're spilling beer on my daughter's head," and I'm like, "Whatever dude -- it's a ballgame. Shut up and enjoy the ride!" and he's like, "Just try to be more considerate," and then his little nerd son is like, "Daddy, look, Manny's up!" and his nerd dad is like, "Let's go Manny!" and his nerd son is like, "His batting average is down to .288" and that's when I just lost it, bra. Those fucking nerds and their numbers. So I pull my rod out -- you know, because I have to piss, right? -- and the guy is all, "Hey! You can't do that here!" and I'm like, "Sorry, nerdbra, the only statistic I care about is how many brewskis I've had and how much piss I've pissed" and the next thing you know security is dragging me out and they're all like, "You're banned for life" and I'm like, "Bra, what the hell?" and they're like "You pulled your penis out and urinated at your seat and there's vomit on your forearm, and also you can't smoke in the stadium, and your friend is wearing a shirt and shoes but no pants," and I'm like "He's Donald Ducking it, bra -- it's classic!" and they're like, "Get out of here and never come back."

And that's when I realized: nerds have ruined baseball.

Going the Distance
If a quarterback can get nearly knocked unconscious multiple times by 300-pound defensive ends for four full quarters, then why shouldn’t a pitcher have to throw a ball 60 feet for a full nine innings—especially if that pitcher is making millions of dollars a year?

...Sorry, do you really want an answer? Okay. Because there aren't 7 other quarterbacks who specialize in 4th quarter passing on an NFL roster. Because baseball isn't really about enduring physical pain, because it, again, is not a contact sport. Because a pitcher has to hurl a ball 90+ mph over and over again into an imaginary box that measures about 500 square inches, and if he spots the ball in about 450 of those square inches it will be launched into outer space by a roided-up monster holding a tree branch and wearing enough protective armor to render moot even his most child-like fear of getting hit with the ball, and the ability to hit those last 50 square inches with the ball he's throwing from 60.5 feet away tends to deteriorate after he's done it 110 times (plus warm-ups), and his ability to do it at all will pretty much fly right out the metaphorical window if someone makes him do it so much that his fucking arm falls off.

Instead he gets pulled before things can go from bad to worse, and fans go nutty when the song they voted for plays over the loudspeakers and their star closer comes out of the bullpen like Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn in Major League.

Topical. Also: how is this a bad thing if it gets fans riled up in a good way? Also: fans tend to love CGs more than even closer entrances. Also: fans don't vote for those songs. They are chosen by the closers. Also: if you ever went to a Padres game in the late 1990s when Trevor Hoffman came in, or to the Stadium when Mariano comes in, or to Houston when Wagner came in, or to Anaheim when Percival came in, or to Boston when Papelbon comes in, and you didn't enjoy yourself, you are a soulless thug.

Don’t even get me started on “The Papelbon.”

Are you talking about this:?

Because that was awesome.

Superstitions
Evoke God in public schools, at any bar, or even on national television and you’re likely to be shown the door.

Public schools, maybe, sure, because of that whole thing about not forcing religions on people in America. But bars and TV? It's all God all the time out there, man. In fact, I would go as far as to say, if you're an atheist you're much more likely to be "shown the door" than if you say you love God.

Yet baseball fans collectively acknowledge a higher power that influences their favorite teams and players.

Oh. This is what you were talking about. I thought you were going to say that you're sick of athletes attributing their play to Jesus. I am sick of that, too -- in all sports. But you're talking about stupid superstitions. Ugh. You don't even know where your argument actually lives, here.

A seemingly innocuous trade of a pudgy pitcher in 1920 by the Red Sox to the Yankees? Yup, that was a curse.

The only person who really believes that is this dude, and he doesn't really believe it as much as he used it to sell books. Sentient human beings understand that decades of racism and mismanagement were actually more responsible for the failure of the franchise than ghost stories and nonsense.

Winning two World Series titles in three years? Fate.

Two titles in four years, genius, not three. And not fate: just good teams. Even the most Leigh Montvilled-out poets among us don't attribute the second title to fate. How would that even make sense?

A Red Sox shirt buried in concrete at the new Yankees Stadium? Bad vibes, dig it up!

More like bad press, if you're a new loudmouthed Yankee owner trying to make his mark by screaming as loud as daddy did.

A hawk that recently attacked a teenage girl named Alexandra Rodriguez (A-Rod, as in Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez) at Fenway Park? You guessed it, an omen. And we wonder why the Pope won’t visit our city.

First of all, that was amazing. If you didn't hear about this, here's the story. It's pretty amazing that her name was Alexa Rodriguez, don't you think? I mean, come on -- how can you not love that? (Except that a girl was attacked by a wild animal, and thank goodness she's okay, and all of that.)

Off-Season Shenanigans
Baseball is a year-round sport and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. Between charity events, trades, management shake-ups, and stadium upgrades, teams and the media make it painfully clear: You will think about baseball 360 days a year—OR ELSE!

First of all, did you intend to give us 5 days off, or are you maybe thinking of a circle? Second of all: for a guy who prefers the NFL to MLB, this is straight-up bonkers. The NFL is the sport with year-round coverage, and their regular season is only four months long. The draft, the minicamps, the free agent signings, the pre-season...the NFL gets 24/7/365 coverage by the media. (And it should, by the way, because people are interested in it.) The baseball season starts on April 1 or so, goes to October 1 or so, then another month for the post-season. Then nobody cares about it until like March, because the NFL is in full swing. (Some people like the Hot Stove season -- myself included -- but the whole world stops when the NFL releases its new schedule.)

But the league occasionally throws us a bone with some quality off-season entertainment like a six-hour Senate hearing. Now that’s excitement!

Fair enough. The congressional stuff is boring. 9/10 of the way through the article, you have managed to make a good point about why baseball isn't that interesting right now, by citing something that has very little to do with the actual game. Good work.

Then there's something about fantasy baseball being boring, which is, itself, boring. And there you have it. 8 reasons why baseball is lame and boring, brought to you by a person who chose to write under a pseudonym that parodies an 8-year-old cultural reference on a website that contains a chunk of url reading: msn.lifestyle.men.

Bra. Seriously. That was lame.

Labels: baseball, bra, fremulon insurance, j-mo, msn/lifestyle/men

Just want to give a quick "congrats" to Doug Spernelman, who was recently named Employee of the Year here at Fremulon Ins., Inc., LLC. Doug came to us after 11 years in H.R. over at Gruntwelk and Karp, and he's really done a bang-up job helping us weather the sub-prime storm.

Here he is accepting his award.


Great work, Doug.

(It's been like three years of nothing but attacking sports journalists. I'm allowed one of these.)

Labels: doug spernelman, fremulon insurance

First of all, Happy Opening Day (American Version) everyone. The best day of the year.

Second, last night Joe Morgan related a story in which President George W. Bush offered to buy the Texas Rangers and make him, Joe, the GM. Predicted record of this team: 59-103. Now Dennis Kucinich and Paul DePodesta -- that would be a model franchise! (Predicted record: 59-102 [final game rained out]).

Third, I promise to post more soon. Fremulon Ins., Inc. has not been immune from the recent credit crunch, and if my Pension Plan Monitoring abilities are not applied with 100% acuity, this firm could fold like the fraudulent house of cards we all know it really is. Thank you for your patience.

Fourth: does anyone else think the Dodgers hired Joe Torre because he's the only person who could bench Juan Pierre and not send the L.A. print media into complete hysterics?

Labels: fremulon insurance, joe morgan, juan pierre, opening day

But, okay, I'll be baited. Because the bait is a delicious juicy worm of an article about Boston vs. New York, pierced on the lure of an expert sportsman who looks like this:


I've missed you old buddy. Welcome back.

How does Boston compare to N.Y.? It doesn’t

Big Apple superior to Boston in nightlife, atmosphere, and especially sports

Let me begin by agreeing, agreeing, and saying: "Fuck the heck?" Among even the most ardent supporters of Boston, MA you will find few who think it is a "better" city than New York. New York is much larger, has many more people and things, and stays open very late. New York is awesome. Boston is also awesome, but in a smaller, more ornery way.

This is why I believe that this is one of those fun sports journalism articles designed to rile people up, get them screaming and yelling on the comment boards, make them send the link of the article to their buddy Weebs in Rehoboth with a note that says "Look at this fucking guy who thinks Boston sucks!" and drive traffic to the site. It's pretty transparently concocted to drive Boston fans nuts. Having said that, and knowing that I am 100% on to you, HatGuy, let me now spend two hours of my life reprinting and dissecting it. Then you'll see who's boss!

Beantown? That’s it? Beantown?

There may be a city with a worse nickname somewhere, although I’m not sure what it could possibly be. Is there a Phlegmville out there?

Well, thanks to the fine people at this site, I can offer you some options:

Annapolis, Maryland is "Crabtown." That's pretty bad. Beaver, OK -- already a terrible name for a place -- proudly self-identifies as "The Cow Chip Throwing Capital of the World." Well done. Birmingham, AL can't even really distinguish itself, when it announces that it's "The Pittsburgh of the South." Lyons, KS, about 30 miles due north of me here in Partridge, advertises itself as "The Unexpected Pleasure." Dubious, if you've ever been to Lyons. Santa Rosa, NM boasts that it's "The SCUBA-Diving Capital of New Mexico," which: isn't NM a land-locked desert? Noxubee County, Mississippi, waves on its flag: "Home of the Dancing Rabbit Festival and Magnolia Pilgrimage," next to which "Beantown" looks pretty effing good.

Boston also has: The Athens of America, The City of Kind Hearts, The Cradle of Liberty, The Hub of the Universe, and Puritan City, which are all pretty good.

On the one hand, you got Beantown. On the other, you got the Big Apple, Gotham, the City that Never Sleeps. Did Sinatra ever sing a song about Boston? Did anybody? Even the old rock group “Boston” never sang a song about Boston.

I don't love "The Big Apple," particularly, though it did lead to a truly excellent moment in rock music history when Mick Jagger exhorted: Go ahead / Bite the Big Apple / Don't mind the maggots. Gotham is okay, the City that Never Sleeps is wonderful. As for Sinatra, no, I don't believe he did ever sing about Boston. Though the band Boston certainly did. They even mention Hyannis, which is like Sinatra adding a line to "New York, New York" about how fun it is to hang out in Amagansett.

What were we talking about? Oh right -- nothing.

No wonder Boston has such an inferiority complex. Compared to New York, it really is inferior.

Again, in terms of cities qua cities, not a lot of dissent here. Not proving anything. Not getting anyone riled up. New York City, population: 8.2 million or so, the cultural, economic, and all-night society capital of the country/world, is "superior" to Boston, small/ancient/ provincial whaling town, population 600,000+. You really know how to take a controversial position.

This is like saying: "Benin? Fuck that. America is the superior country."

You want to put Boston in a good light, pick a comparable town. Like Cleveland. Or Sacramento. Maybe Minneapolis.

This is probably a good idea, actually. Comparable cities and climates (except Sacramento). I think Boston rates pretty favorably here, though the Cleveland Symphony Orchestra is among the finest in the world, and Minneapolis has an excellent music scene. Anyway, all fine cities, all better comps for Beantown than New York, which should only be compared to like London, Paris, Rome, Tokyo...places like that.

Now let's get to the really stupid part: sports.

OK, Boston’s won two World Series in the past four seasons and the Foxborough Patriots have won three of the past six Super Bowls. Even a New Yorker will admit that’s a nice little run. But can we have a little perspective here?

Most days of my life recently have included someone -- friend or new acquaintance -- saying some version of this to me: "Wow -- life is pretty good for you right now." And they are right, and they are not talking about my recent promotion to Associate District Director of Claims Oversight here at Fremulon Ins., Inc. What they are talking about is my love of New England-based sports franchises. And they are saying it because -- if you don't closely follow sports but somehow closely follow this blog -- the NE Patriots are about to play in their fourth Super Bowl in seven years, and feature a quarterback who is somehow handsomer at the end of each game than he was at the beginning; the Boston Red Sox have won two of the last four World Serieses; the Boston Celtics are 33-6; and also there is a hockey team.

That's a pretty amazing run, by any city's standards.

And since we are pretty clearly heading for a HatGuy history lesson, allow me to add for the record that the Yankees haven't won a World Series since 2000; the Giants are currently in the Super Bowl (the ostensible point of this article, I guess) but haven't generally been that good in the last several years; the Jets are the Jets; the Mets are the Mets (and were doubly the Mets last year); the Knicks, one suspects, are about to be disbanded after what will most likely be some kind of like RICO-style Federal intervention; and also there are two hockey teams.

In the first decade of this young century, there can be absolutely no question that Boston is the all-sports center of the universe. That's not fanboyism. That's just the situation. Soon, the ride will end, and maybe New York, or Dallas, or San Francisco, or Atlanta will emerge. But 2000-2008, so far, taking all sports into consideration, it's Boston, and anyone who says differently is stubborn or weird or looking for a scrap. Or HatGuy.

The Yankees won the World Series five straight years from 1949-53 and went to the World Series in 10 of 11 seasons. More recently, they won three straight and four out of five. The Red Sox have, what, six titles? Call me when you get to 26, which is what the Yankees have, and then I’ll start adding in all the titles won by the Giants, Dodgers and Mets and you can slink back up I-95 and comfort yourselves with a nice, warm pot of beans.

As far as baiting goes, this is pretty tepid stuff. My blood can boil, friends, and right now I'm maybe at like 98.7 or so. History doesn't concern me so much. England ruled the world for hundreds of years, but I'd invest in China right now over the UK if given the choice, no matter how many pro-Henry IV essays you might churn out. It also doesn't help your case so much when you point out that New York has had four professional baseball franchises, since it only highlights how absurd the comparison is between the two cities. (You think the Peruvian army is awesome? How about I send the US Marines, Navy, Army, Air Force, Coast Guard, and various state militias! Then we'll see how good Peru's army is!)

I’ll grant you that nobody has ever dominated any sport the way the old Celtics did back when the NBA wasn’t important enough to get its playoff games broadcast nationally. And the Bruins were a pretty good hockey team back when the Knicks, which used to be a basketball team, were also pretty good.

Thank you for acknowledging that the Celtics (still) have the most NBA titles. Bill Russell has more rings than fingers to put them on.

But what have you guys really done? Three football titles, which matches the three that the Giants and Jets have won — not counting pre-Super Bowl championships, of which the Giants have four.

What have you guys done? Three football titles, which is barely the same number as these two teams have when added together! Pathetic.

A couple of World Series wins after 86 years of nothing, zip, nada.

Yes, those were bad, dark days. Fortunately, they are over now, and the team has now won two of the last four. So things are looking up, I'd say.

A basketball team that could win a title again — 22 years after its last one. In the immortal words of former Net Derrick Coleman, whoop-de-damn-do.

It will be its seventeenth, if it happens. Why are you allowed to cite Yankee championships of the 1940's, Jet championships of the 60's, and Giant championships of the 80's, but all previous Celtics championships are disregarded with a pithy Derrick Coleman rebuff? As Mark Eaton once said, "What the fuck is your point?"

And when you get done feeling good about all of that, what’s left? New York has Broadway and Wall Street and Fashion Avenue and Harlem and Spanish Harlem and more museums than you can shake a palette knife at. Boston has, well, I’m not sure what it has. I was going to say Harvard and M.I.T., but those aren’t really in Boston; they’re across the river in Cambridge.

Burned! Boston, you got burned. Hard. That is a hard burn, man. Wow. That is some cold, cold shit right there. Damn! Burned to a crispy carbony ash. Bam. Shut down. Down for the count. TKO, HatGuy.

HatGuy is schizophrenically having the kind of argument two five year-olds might have about their dads.

"My dad has won a lot of sports championships recently."
"...Well...but...my dad has a Porsche."
"What does that have to do with sports championships?"
"...My house is bigger."

Anyway, even if we give Boston Harvard, when all of those movers and shakers take delivery of their sheepskins and go out into the great world, they don’t stay in Boston. They go to New York or Washington or somewhere else important.

Some of them stay in Boston. But yes, many of them do leave, so they can be in much bigger cities with more cultural, political, and economic advantages, like New York. You are so totally proving an awesome point!

Now, it may be that Boston has charms that I haven’t seen during my many visits to that town. And given the condition of the local streets, I never will see them.

Have you ever tried to get anywhere in Boston? There’s not a single 90-degree intersection in the entire city. And the next time someone stops for a red light will be the first.

New York -- and I say this having lived for several years in both places -- is a far more dangerous town for pedestrians. This might be due to the fact that it has 7.6 million more people, and people walk a lot more. I would put Boston navigation on the far end of the bell curve for difficulty, yes, but you really haven't seen difficult until you emerge drunkenly from a bar deep in the West Village at 4:18 AM and try to find Seventh Avenue.

OK, so there are subways, but they close down at night. What good is that?

It's not terrible. For a city of its size, Boston's T system is pretty clean, safe, and effective. And not surprising that New York's subways remain in operation for more hours, given, again, the 18.4 million person/tax base advantage they service.

Speaking of subways, have you ever wondered why in New York the subways are identified by letters and numbers, while in Boston they go by colors? Could it be that when they built their systems, people in New York could actually read and count? Just asking.

Am I most upset by (a) how bad a joke this is, (b) how lame a dig it is, (c) how clumsily it is presented, (d) how transparent an attempt to get Bostonites angry it is, or (e) that he ended it with "Just asking," as if that's like the final twist of the knife after this devastating indictment of Eastern Massachusetts's intelligence level? Oh -- or (f) the fact that Boston is famously like hyper-literate, rendering the whole dumb gambit nonsensical, to go along with lame and sad?

I'll say: (a).

I’ll grant that Boston was a great city as recently as 220 years ago. And while New York was coddling Tories because that’s where the money was, Boston was off firing the shot heard round the world and starting the Revolution. (Of course, once Boston started it and fought a battle or two, it shipped the whole thing off to New York, New Jersey and Philly and finally to the Carolinas and Virginia and took the rest of the war off.) Back then, the only city with as much cachet as Boston was Philadelphia.

Can anyone effing believe how long an article this is?

But when it came time to choose a capital for the newly formed United States, George Washington rode up to New York City. And when the Founding Fathers were looking for a place to put the National Treasure, they put that in New York, too — or was that just a movie?

I honestly wonder whether HatGuy knows that the U.S. Capital is currently not New York.

Anyway, it’s been a while since the days when if you said “Adams,” people didn’t automatically think of beer. Boston’s a fine little town, one that I have had many wonderful times in. But it ain’t New York, not in sports and not in anything else.

No, it is not New York in many many aspects. But it is far superior to New York in sports, 2000-present. And you are a poor flame-fanner.

I admit it’s not perfect in New York. We do have to put up with Donald Trump, and Rudy Giuliani refuses to shut up and go talk family values with his third wife.

Take...that?

But on the whole, it’s a heck of a town.

Yes it is, my friend. Yes, it is.

Now what the fuck is your point?

Labels: boston vs. new york, food metaphors, fremulon insurance, fuck the heck, HatGuy, mike celizic

I'm kind of in the zone right now, posting-wise, so let's keep it going with a little thing we like to call:


Tim writes in and sez:

Just read your comments on Woody Paige's column about the Hall of Fame and had to point 1 thing out. The "Primarily a DH" comment concerning Jim Rice irks me. Paige is making a claim without bothering to look up anything to support it.

Jim Ed played 1543 games in the OF and 530 as a DH. In fact, he had only 3 seasons in which he played DH in more games than he played the OF. 1989 when he only played 55 games, all as the DH. 1988 when he was 35 years old and past his prime, and 1977 when the other OF options were Lynn, Evans, and Yaz. Between 1980 and 1987, Rice played an astounding 41 games as a DH.

This took me 2 seconds to look up, but I guess what Woody Paige recalls about the last 2 years of Rice's career is more important than what really happened.

I would have been ok if he had just said... he never lived up to his potential, or his career was over by the time he was 34, or even ... he was a poor defensive OFer, but he went with... he was primarily a DH.

To put Rice's designated hitting in perspective, Paul Molitor played 1174 out of 2683 career games as a DH... but his hands were just so damn quick.

We'll keep things going with Trey. This one is very important, so pay attention:

Just to add to the Eckstein discussion, I was the sports editor at the University of Florida when Eckstein played and I think you might reevaluate his scrappiness once you realize how many times he was hit by pitch in his collegiate career -- a school record 41 times! As I recall, he led the NCAA as a Senior and had a shot at the all-time Div. I record, but didn't quite make it.

I can't seem to verify any of this since this was just on the verge of the Internet being a useful historical tool and even now I can't really find NCAA records ... but I am certain we ran a particularly adorable cartoon with a caricature of cute lil' Eck taking a pitch in his tiny bird-sized chest and tumbling down with the caption Hitting the Deck(stein) or something like that. Even now, I can't decide the best way to punctuate that particular play on words. (Just found some UF stats -- Eck was HBP 25 times in 64 games in 1997.)

First off, I love this email very much. I love that people were ironically onto how "scrappy" Eckstein is, as far back as 1996. Second of all, I very much desire a copy of this cartoon. If anyone out there has a copy -- as unlikely as that may be -- I beg of you to scan it and email it to me forthwith. In return, you will receive a personal email from me, commending you for your duty and service in the name of American Freedom, as well as the knowledge that a crappy print-out of it will hang over my desk at Fremulon Insurance, Inc. as long as I am alive and working there.

But enough about Fremulon Insurance, Inc. Let's keep things moving with more of the


Stan asks:

Is that you in that Joe-Morgan-buying-a-beer-and-a-dog video? You're old.

No, it is not me. That is my son, Ken Jr. I am much older.

Justin chimes in on the Bob Elliott/NAMBLA David Eckstein Fluff(er) Piece:

I also especially like that when talking about how MLB needs to be cleaned up and have its image improved, Elliott then compares Eckstein to.... Pete Rose, one of the few men ever completely banned from baseball. Well-done, Bob.

Yey verily, love of Eckstein is a corruptive force. Besides melting men's hearts, L'il Eck will sometimes melt their minds, in a Death in Venice kind of way.

The Allan Ryan post, wherein he typed "David Eckstein scrappy" into Google and then wrote that fact into his article, let to a flurry of similar experiments. First, Andrew:

In light of your recent post, I typed in "Alex Rodriguez Scrappy" to google, and it gave me the following results:

Results 1 - 10 of about 59,000 for alex rodriguez scrappy (0.27 seconds)

That's more than 10 times as many results, and for whatever ridiculous reason, it's faster, too.

Labels: david eckstein, food metaphors, fremulon insurance, gallimaufry, woody paige

Me: the mild-mannered Pension Fund Monitor for Fremulon Insurance, based in Partridge, KS, who copies dumb articles about baseball and adds snarky comments.

You: the kind of article that was written a thousand times after David Eckstein won the World Series MVP Award, which contained lots of references to how scrappy and gritty he is, ignoring fully his not-very-good-at-baseball-ness.

Where have you been, baby? I've missed you. But all is forgiven, now that Eck is a free agent, and these articles are beginning to reëmerge. Come back to me. I promise, I'll be gentle. I'll only reprint the key words, just like I used to. What do you say?

Thinking -- and acting -- outside the box
provide some of the fire the team lacked last season
shortstop for two World Series champion teams in the last six seasons
Willie Randolph, an admirer of Eckstein's spunk,
MVP of the Cardinals' 2006 World Series champion team
overcome a modest arm to play regularly or almost regularly
Because of injuries
Despite the games missed
Eckstein is widely recognized as one of baseball's foremost gamers.
source of the grit and resolve their team lacked last season
Eckstein would provide some of the fire Paul Lo Duca provided in his two seasons
Eckstein is thought to be seeking a four-year contract worth $36 million
his defense deteriorated last season
Eckstein played fewer innings, 943 2/3, in 2007 than in any other season and committed a career-high 20 errors
a master of the contentious at-bat

For the record, in re: being a "master of the contentious at bat," Eckstein's 3.64 pitches per plate appearance would have ranked him #123 among MLB players in that category last year. I say "would have," because he was injured so much he didn't have enough AB to qualify. In 2006, his 3.75 was good for 95th.

Also, for the record, if I were Willie Randolph, I would not like to be referred to, in print, as an "admirer of Eckstein's spunk."

The article also has this:

Playing for an offensively-challenged team -- the Cardinals scored 725 runs, the sixth fewest in the National League -- Eckstein scored 51 runs and drove in 38.

Which is delightful, in that it does not allow for the fact that the Cards were offensively challenged in part because of Eckstein's presence.

Labels: david eckstein, fremulon insurance

I have to say, it's nice to be back at ol' Fremulon Ins., Inc. The fluorescent lighting. The thin, ratty, light-gray industrial carpet. The sweet sound of my phone beeping with news of another downturn in our company's pension portfolio.
And, since it's Tuesday, the chance to ignore all of it and focus on another JoeChat.

Joe Morgan: The NL Central, it seems like it is going to go to the last day and maybe further! Let's get started!

Ken Tremendous: Picture that being read by a 13 year-old Russian boy who just learned English. It's funnier now, isn't it?

James (Charlotte): Hey Joe, this is probably the 100th time you see this question today but what do you think of Pedro's performance yesterday? Do you think he'll be good enough to be part of the playoff rotation and get the Mets to the World Series?

KT: Now, let's get off to a good start here, Joe. The question is: for the 100th time (probably), what did you think of Pedro's performance yesterday?

Joe Morgan: The difficult question is whether he will stay in the rotation.

KT: Yes, but the actual question -- the one you are being paid to answer -- is: what did you think of Pedro's performance yesterday?

I really believe that guys like Pedro, or Clemens, have an impact on a team even when they are not at their best.

Was he at his best? You can answer that question by answering the original question: what did you think of Pedro's performance yesterday?

Their toughness and confidence is something a team feeds off. I think Clemens has really helped the Yankees as far as mental toughness even though he is only 6-6.

Yes. Okay. That's an interesting comment about a man who is not Pedro Martinez. Quick refresher: the question on the table: what did you think of Pedro's performance yesterday?

So guys like Pedro and Roger bring more than just pitching. But no one can tell what Pedro will do the rest of the way at this point.

Hey -- I have a question, a propos of nothing. What did you think of Pedro's performance yesterday?

We need to see him pitch a few more games,

Other than the one he pitched yesterday? What did you think of Pedro's performance yesterday?

but I am sure the Mets are very glad to have him back even at less than 100%.

Me too, based on how he pitched yesterday, which was: pretty well.

Andy (Fountain Valley, CA): Joe, the Red Sox, Angels, and Indians seem like virtual locks for the playoffs. Out of those 3, which one would you not want to face in the playoffs?

KT: As you read this answer, imagine an ant walking across a patch of ground, meandering this way and that, possibly in search of crumbs of food, but with no discernible goal, or target, or direction, or coherent sequence of cognitive stimuli.

Joe Morgan: I think Boston is the best team overall, if you are looking at 162 games. I think the Angles would be the toughest team to face in the playoffs. In the playoffs you do not often see a fourth or fifth starter, so when you look at it that way I think the Angels are the toughest team. So I would hate the face the Angels even though Boston is the better team over 162 games. I say this, because if you play the Red Sox in Boston it is really tough to beat them, and you have a better shot on the road. So it will comedown to who has the best record. So if the Angels and Red Sox meet it will comedown to who has homefield.

When you think of the ant, it makes it easier to read, doesn't it? Because there's no pressure for it to follow one continuous line of thought.

Josh W NY, NY: Do you think any National League team has any chance to beat an American League team in the World Series?

Joe Morgan: Any team that gets into the playoffs can win the World Series. The AL will be favored, but look at what happened last year. In a short series anyone can get hot and win; so yes an NL team can win. I think the Mets would have the best chance. I think the Padres would also have a good chance because of their pitching. Remember it is not always the best team that wins, but the team that is playing best at the time.

KT: And then just like that he turns on his brain and lets loose with a straightforward, cogent answer. Why can't they all be like this?

Sean (Boston): Hi Joe, being the greatest second basemen of all time, what did you think of Pedroia's play to save the no-hitter for Buchholz on Saturday?

Joe Morgan: Thanks for the compliment, but let me add "arguably."

This made me laugh out loud. What modesty. It's like in that famous "Five-Timer's Club" SNL cold open, where Tom Hanks addresses Steve Martin as "Mr. Martin," and he replies, "Please -- call me Mr. Steve Martin."

Tim (Pottstown, PA): Will the Phillies make the playoffs?

Joe Morgan: The way the teams are playing now in the NL, you just cannot predict anything.

KT: Unless you are an Emmy-winning analyst who is paid to predict things. Take a shot. There are two choices. Yes? No?

I mean the Phillies sweep the Mets and now lose three out of four with the Mets earning a bunch of games back. You cannot do that and catch the Mets so now they need to focus on the Wild Card. They have a chance, but these teams need to get more consistent and right now none of the Wild Card teams are consistent.

Our old friend "consistent" makes a double-appearance. And "they have a chance" is not a good answer to a yes or no question. Acceptable answers are: yes, no.

Rob (Portland, OR): AS a former player, can you tell people just how tough ti is to get 200 hits in 7 straight seasons? Is Ichiro a hall of famer even if he doesn't get 3,000 hits?

Joe Morgan: I cannot tell you how tough it is because I never got there. But I did play with Pete Rose who reached 200 hits in a season a couple times. The keys are you have to be a good hitter, avoid injuries, and be a guy who does not walk much.

Unless you are the last person who had 7 straight seasons of 200+ hits, Wade Boggs, who averaged 102 walks per year for those seven years. #1 in the league in times on base, 1983-1990. 23rd all-time in walks.

Pete Rose averaged 71 BB for every 162 games, FWIW. Ichiro is at 47.

Jason (DC): Joe -- Will the Tigers be able to find the necessary consistency to sneak into the playoffs again?

Tigers question. "Consistency." I smell a Joe-baiter. If Joe hits us with some Sheffield action, we have a live one.

Joe Morgan: A week ago I thought they would, but now I am not sure, especially with Sheffield out.

Bam.

He was a big part of their offense, and their personality. Gary is a tough guy and when you lose a guy like that it has an effect. I am not sure about them, losing that 7 run lead to the As was a big loss. But again, everyone else is incosistent as well, so it is hard to tell.

Everyone is inconsistent. Gary Sheffield is awesome. I don't know, I'm not sure, I'm not sure. A perfect JoeChat answer. Kudos, Jason from D.C.

Liz ( Big Apple): Do you think Mike Mussina will Retire? Al Leiter said he knew it was time for him to retire- same with David Justice. Wouldn't Moose want to go out on a high note and not like this? Thanks Joe

Joe Morgan: Well the answer to this is only Moose knows.

Yes, but the question was: do you think he will?

He has to look into the mirror and decide that. But he may not be able to go out on a good note if he is finished. The worst thing is if you lose your ability but try to hang in there. I have only seen him pitch on tv so it is hard for me to tell if he can still win or not.

You see, people, TV distorts the results of play significantly. If Moose gives up 19 runs in three starts on TV, well, thats fine and good. But if you were there, in the park, you would have seen something different. You would have seen him gutting out three straight 7IP, 5H, 1-run performances, wriggling out of jams with GIDPs and setting up hitters beautifully with a dastardly melange of off-speed breaking stuff, making his 84-mph FBs look like Verlander's best. TV is a lie. Do not trust it. Always check the box scores. Often times, what appeared to be a 9-2 loss on TV is really a gritty 6-4 win.

He does not have to be as dominant as he was before, he just needs to get people out, and only he knows if he can do that.

Oh -- no, sorry, I know too. Because I watched him on TV. He's got nothing.

KL - NC: Is Jake Peavy the best pitcher in the NL, MLB>

Joe Morgan: At the first half of the season it was Webb, and then Young, and now Peavy. Peavy has been the most consistent, so you can make that argument for the NL.

June 4, 1944. Bonham, TX.

Joe Morgan's Dad: Are you hungry, Baby Joe? Want some food? Okay. There we go. Here comes the airplane! Brrrrrrrrrr--

Baby Joe: Comsistent.

Joe Morgan's Dad: Wha-- honey! Honey come here!

Baby Joe: Comsisterg. Gheeeeee!

Joe Morgan's Mom: What is it? Is everything okay?

Joe Morgan's Dad: Baby Joe said his first word!

Joe Morgan's Mom: What? Oh my God! What was it? Mama? Dada?

Joe Morgan's Dad: No. It was...something else. I couldn't quite--

Baby Joe: Cormsistent.

(beat)

Baby Joe: Consistent.

Joe Morgan's Mom: "Consistent?" What the hell kind of first word is "consistent?"

Joe Morgan's Dad: Was that it? I couldn't quite--

Joe Morgan: Sheffield.

Joe Morgan's Mom: What are you saying, Baby Joe? Mommy can't understand--

Baby Joe: Cormsistent. Sheffield. Big Red Morchines. Concepcion should be in Hall of Farm! Gooooorrrrrrm. Bee bee bee! Slidepiece. Billy Beane wrote "Moneyball."

Joe Morgan's Mom: What is he saying? Who's Billy Beane?

Joe Morgan's Dad: I don't know. But we have a genius on our hands!

JC: What are David Wright's chances for MVP? He's been on an absolute tear the last couple of months...

Joe Morgan: This is a year when the NL MVP is very open. Usually you have a sure guy like Pujols, or Howard last year.

Last year's NL MVP voting:

Howard 388
Pujols 347

Drew, Wisconsin: With the increasing struggle of the Brewers bullpen/starting pitching, do you see any way for them to actually regain the central lead?

Joe Morgan: The difficult part is they have lost their confidence in both areas. Ben Sheets being back may help the starters as far as relieving pressure, but the bullpen is still a problem. It will be difficult. But the Cubs should have a bigger lead than they have, but that is a result of the way Zambrano has struggled. So the Brewers still have a chance, just because the division is so inconsitent.

September 10, 1953. Bonham, TX.

Joe's Teacher: Okay, class, we are going to read our essays on what we did over our summer vacations. Joey? Why don't you go first?

10 Year-Old Joe: This summer I went swimming every day in the pool. I was very consistent in my swimming. I swam consistently from one side to the other. The key to my swimming was consistency. After that I would consistently have lunch with Bobby, my friend. I always had ham and cheese but Bobby was all over the place. Some days he had peanut butter, some days he had a banana, some days he would eat ham like me. Bobby was not very consistent with lunch and that is why I am not friends with him anymore because he was not consistent. Then I would go home and my mom would consistently be there waiting for me and consistently every night would make me dinner and she would read to me consistently from the same book which was called "Are You There God? It's Me, Consistency" and I would sleep for the same amount of time every night in the same PJs. My summer was consistent.

Joe's Teacher: A-plus!

Joe Morgan: I am sure when we talk next week we will still be talking about all the same teams and their chances. And that can be good for the game, but I think we have a lot of average teams competing for poastseason spots, rather than a lot of great teams.

See you next week, you ol' consistent sourpuss!

Labels: fremulon insurance, joe morgan, joechat

Fremulon has given me the day off to get an early start on the long weekend. Mrs. Tremendous and I will be heading to Branson, MO for some much needed R&R, so I may not post much over the weekend. (Or maybe I will get bored and post a ton. That's the thing with Branson. You just never know what you're going to get. Except when it comes to this guy, who is always gold.)

As a parting gift, take a look at this neat little binary star of idiocy, sent to us from a reader named Michael. There is such simplicity in this. It warms my heart.

Mike Lupica, October 9, 2006:

OUT WITH OLD, IN WITH LOU.
The Boss must show Joe the door & hire Pinella

Mike Lupica, August 13, 2007:

JOE IS STILL COOL
Torre's the best man for the job

Have a nice holiday, everyone.

Labels: branson, fremulon insurance, mike lupica, yakov smirnoff

It's a cloudy, muggy Sunday afternoon here in Partridge, KS., getting up to 88 later, and it looks like it might pour any second. Normally, this would be fine with me, as I would just sit in my den and watch baseball for ten hours. Except: today, Fremulon Ins., Inc. has called me into the office.

Emergency restructuring of the pension plans, thanks to ripples sent through our investment portfolio due to the sub-prime mortgage crisis. Booooo-ring. After a couple hours of research, I think to myself I think, "What am I doing working so hard? It's Sunday, for land's sake!" So I open my FJM e-mail, and voila: the perfect distraction. I find a little piece of heaven linked from reader Matthew. It's by a delightfully spry old cooter named Jerry Green, from the Detroit News, who has a bone to pick. Jerry wants to know:

What ever happened to hitting homers for the team?

A quick search of the ol' memory banks, and the baseball rules contained therein, will remind us that the points, or "runs," that are granted to the team of a player who hits a home run out of selfishness, egotism, and Ayn Randian self-interest will exactly equal the points his team gets if he goes deep, like, altruistically. So, already a bit confused, let's read on to see what has Jerry's panties in a bunch.

The digital clock over the TV is pushing toward 11 in the p.m., ticking toward bedtime, and on the color screen there goes another shot. Deep, deep, going gone.

I am not usually one to make fun of older people. But in this, the very first paragraph of an article on baseball in the year 2007, Jerry sees fit to specifically mention that his clock is digital, and his television has a "color" screen. When was the last time anyone regularly watched non-color TV? The only reason one might go out of one's way to mention that one's screen is colorized is if, subconsciously, this fact is still kind of a big deal. (And what are you doing watching baseball highlights at 11:00 anyway, Jerry? The Steve Allen Show is on soon.)

"He went yard," shouts the announcer, using for the 15th time in the last 10 minutes ESPN's favorite network-contrived cliché for the old-fashioned home run.

I yawn. Again.

It is the fifth time I have seen this same home run, er, yard shot, in the last 23 minutes.

Too bad Michigan law mandates that you have to keep watching it.

Alas, I am too dazed to push that little silver escape button, the off gizmo, and retire to my current book.

Again. I have nothing against old people. Many of my best friends are old people. My college roommate was an old person. But when you overexplain, in print, what a "remote control" is, and refer to it as a "gizmo," you (a) are playing up how old and crotchety you are as a badge of honor, (b) are just too old to remember where the "delete" key is on your keyboard, or (c) are Andy Rooney.

I am part of the vast captive audience. There is no escape. There is no mercy.

...There is "changing the channel," isn't there?

My ankles are locked, my eyelids are drooping, but I can barely drag myself to the sack.

These things happen. Calcium chews and multivitamins will help.

I am victim of our pop sports culture.

ESPN believes that it invented the home run.

We have been fed this summer a steady dose of milestones.

Sammy Sosa's 600th home run.

Alex Rodriguez's 500th home run.

Barry Bond's 754th, 755th, 756th, 758th, and onward, home runs.

One might argue that we haven't been "fed" these things, so much as they have "happened." And are "of interest." To people who "like sports."

Over and over, while we remain prisoners.

The other night, honest, Karl Ravech, the moderator of ESPN's Baseball Tonight show, had a segment: "The best three things and the worst three things that happened since Bonds' 754th home run." This followed: "The Minnesota Twins are 6 and 2 since Bonds' 754th home run."

This a day after Bonds surpassed Henry Aaron's home-run record with No. 756.

I am no fan of ESPN these days. They do a lot of incredibly stupid segments that have nothing to do with sports coverage, like "Who's Now?" and "Getttin' Heavy" and "NASCAR Hip-Hop Thunder!" and "Which Sandwich?" But after months of research I have devised a way to avoid these irritants: don't watch them.

E -- Embarrassing!

S -- Silly!

P -- Puerile!

N -- Nonsensical!

Man. You really went for it here, didn't you, Jerry. I bet you wish you could take this back. I mean, you put each one of these things on a different line, and punctuated with exclamations. You have a lot of confidence in this humor trope.

And I remain in captivity, addicted to the pre-dreamtime baseball scores and TV images.

Reading is an option. The internet also provides sports information. Did you read Tim Page's first-person account of Asberger's Syndrome in the New Yorker this week? Fascinating, I thought.

I have become immune to the season's most imaginative newspaper headline: "Bonds homers; Giants lose."

Again. And again.

Bonds! Sosa! A-Rod!

What does it mean?

Riddle me this -- in this whacky, over-hyped world of sound bytes and yard shots, what has any one of them ever won in Major League Baseball?

Buckle up, people. Things are about to get crotchety.

With all their home runs, with their vast millions in salary, with their adoring fans, at least in their home ballparks, when has any one of them ever helped a team win a pennant or a World Series championship?

Allow me, quickly, to remind Jerry of a few things.

1. There are eight position players, five starting pitchers (usually) and several relievers on a baseball team. They play 162 games per year, then between one and three playoff series in an attempt to win the World Series. Teams have vastly different payroll thresholds, and every year they contend with injuries, fluctuations in performance, and the relative strength of the other teams in their division. One man, no matter how good, cannot single-handedly win a championship in a team sport.

Bonds played on one pennant winner in his 21-plus seasons. The Giants lost that World Series. But Bonds hit four home runs -- for the loser.

What a bad baseball player he is. He would be better if he had hit zero home runs for the winner. Logic!

His Pirates and Giants went 2-7 in various postseason ventures. Barry Bonds has hit more home runs than any other athlete in 131 years of Major League Baseball. But he is tied with thousands and thousands of lesser athletes in total World Series victories: 0. Zero, zilch.

He is also tied with Ernie Banks and Ted Williams. Frank Thomas won a World Series with the ChiSox in 2005, despite having only 105 AB during the season and not even being on the postseason roster. Does that make him superior to Barry Bonds in some way? It's a team sport, dumbass. And some people play for shitty teams.

Sosa has never played for a pennant winner nor a World Series team in 18 big league seasons. He appeared in the postseason twice. The Cubs went 1-2 in three series. They almost won a pennant one recent October, but perpetuated their series of failures since 1945.

Sosa's fault. All Sosa's fault. The nerve of Sammy Sosa to have prevented/never helped the Cubs win a World Series since 1908. If I am not mistaken -- and I don't believe I am -- it was Sosa who interfered with the foul pop that Alou might have caught in that NLCS game in Wrigley in 2003. I believe it was also Sosa who botched that easy grounder later in the inning. (I've always wondered -- why was he playing SS? Alex Gonzalez was a gold glover!!!) And why did Sosa pitch so terribly in Game 7 when Kerry Wood was rested and ready to go? If I were a Cubs' fan, I would hate Sammy Sosa, because he never single-handedly won a World Series.

A-Rod has been a dismal flop in his ventures into the postseason in his previous 13 seasons with the Mariners, Rangers and Yankees.

Frequent readers of this web-log might remember that I have a particular bee in my bonnet in re: people claiming ARod is an Untrue Yankee because he has "failed" in the postseason where far superior players like Chad Curtis and Scott Brosius have succeeded. But now, now we have a whole new ballgame.

Jerry is claiming, and I quote, that "A-Rod has been a dismal flop in his ventures into the postseason in his previous 13 seasons with the Mariners, Rangers and Yankees." If you will please excuse my language: Fuck the heck are you talking about?

I will first point out that the Rangers did not make the postseason while he was there. A point you might have made to help strengthen your flaccid argument, if you'd spent less time fidgeting with doo-dads and whatnots and focussed more on checking information to see if your wild and idiotic claims had any veracity.

Second. Here's what ARod did as a Mariner in 13 postseason game (not counting 1995, when he had 1 AB each in 2 games):

18-51
3 BB
3 2b
3 HR
8 RBI

That's a .352/.388/.588 line. That's a .976 OPS. That's a dismal flop.

The only time you can truly call ARod a postseason dismal flop was last year in the ALDS against Detroit, when he went 1-14 with nary a double to call his own. Yes. Dismal flop. Second would be the previous year's 2-15 against the Halos, but he was walked six times and thus had a .381 OBP. Which ain't bad. But here's the point:

Joe Dimaggio went 2-18 in the 1949 WS (.111/.238/.278).

Pujols put up an almost identical line in the 2001 NLDS.

In 1950, Phil Rizzuto (RIP) went 2-14, .143/.294/.143.

Should I keep going? Okay.

1922 World Series. Picture it. Giants-Yankees. Roaring Twenties. Jazz! Babe Ruth knocks 2 sweet hits in 17 tries, Sultanly Swatting at the rate of .118/.250/.176. Or how's this: in the 1977 ALCS against Kansas City, Mr. October himself went 2-16 with no extra base hits, non-dismal-flopping his way to a .125/.222/.125 line.

In fact, lets just go ahead and do this:

Mr. October, career, in October: .278/.358/.527. One HR every 15.6 AB
Mr. Dismal-Flop, career, in October: .280/.362/.485. One HR every 22 AB

Jackson's totals are more impressive when you consider he has more than twice the AB, and many more HR, and so on and so forth. But the original comparison is valid, thanks to its very invalidity. What do I mean? I mean that the whole exercise of looking at one (or even two, or three) postseason series is stupid.

They are tiny sample sizes of data, that can be cherry picked at will to make any point you want. That's why Mark Lemke is a postseason legend, but a sub-par overall Major Leaguer, once the number of data points increased and his true talent level shone through. It's why Marty Barrett at one time shared the record for hits in a postseason series. The smaller the number of AB, the higher the possibility that something crazy happens, like ARod going 1-14.

Want to claim ARod is a choker, even just as a member of the Yankees? Cite his last two series, which were bad. I will counter with the 2004 ALDS against the Twinkies, where he went 8-19 with three doubles and a homer, going .421/.476/.737.

(Once again. I hate Alex Rodriguez. And I am spending my entire Sunday looking up Reggie Jackson's postseason hitting stats just to prove that Alex Rodriguez is good. My boss is going to be pissed. I am pissed.)

He has never played for a pennant winner, never has had one at-bat in a World Series. The teams he has played for went 3-6 in postseason series.

All his fault.

That adds up to an astonishing sum of nearly 1,900 home runs among them without a single championship.

But did they go yard a lot! With worthless home runs.

Home runs are never worthless. They are always worth between one and four runs. And without those 1900 home runs, it is fair to say that their teams would have had many fewer postseason games, and thus many fewer chances to reach the World Series.

These three guys are worthy of Hall of Fame selection whenever they turn eligible, Bonds and Sosa accompanied perhaps by asterisks.

For the record, Babe Ruth played for 10 pennant winners and seven World Series winners in 22 seasons. The Babe is unmatched with 15 World Series home runs with the Yankees, and a 3-0 record as a pitcher with the champion Red Sox.

When Babe Ruth played baseball, there were two leagues, and thus two playoff teams. If you won the league, you played in the World Series. And since Babe's team also featured many other Hall of Famers -- both pitchers and position players -- he played in the World Series a lot. And since baseball was segregated, and not international, he did not play against the best possible competition. And so on and so on and so on.

Babe might have been the best hitter ever. His OPS+ is 207. But comparing his WS stats to anyone's from the Divisional Era -- never mind the Wild Card era -- is stupid on stilts.

Ruth, the home-run master, was the consummate winner.

Too bad ESPN was not in business to capture the wondrous exploits as "The Babe went yard," on its Baseball Tonight show.

What are you even complaining about? Babe Ruth was the ultimate showman. He partied harder than anyone. He was all about celebrity. If BBTN were around in the 1920s, Babe would have had his face in front of those cameras 24/7. He would've had his own reality show. He would've been cutting every deal he could to milk extra $$$ out of the MLB $$$ deals with whoever. And he would've had a lot of venereal diseases.

Also for the record, Kirk Gibson contributed immeasurably to victory in two World Series with home runs. He never has been close to enshrinement in Cooperstown.

Because there is no category for "Best Dramatic Performance in the Postseason in the Smallest Possible Sample Size of One AB." I'm pretty sure some memento of that AB (the ball is lost, I think, but Vin Scully's radio call on tape, or something) is in the Hall. Apparently, like Colin Cowherd, you cannot differentiate between permanent enshrinement for career achievement, and enshrinement for famous moments.

Bobby Thomson hit a home run for the New York Giants to win the best pennant race in history, in 1951. He is not in the Hall of Fame. Bill Mazeroski hit a home run to win a World Series for the Pirates. He reached the Hall of Fame belatedly in the veteran's category, based on his fielding skills. Joe Carter won a World Series with a home for the Blue Jays. Joe has no chance ever to reach the Hall of Fame.

Joe Carter's career OPS+ is 104. You think he should be in the Hall of Fame? (I know he's not really saying that, but it's implied.)

But all of them "went yard" when it mattered.

Yes they did. Good for them. Wonderful moments. The rich tapestry of sports, and so on. What are we talking about, again?

The Embarrassing, Silly, Puerile, Nonsensical all-sports (poker? spelling bees?) network has an amazing influence on its captive audience.

True dat.

America has been led to believe that A-Rod is having the best season of any ballplayer currently playing.

...He is. Except for maybe H-Ram, to whom he's second in VORP, though ARod has a higher MLVr. See for yourself.

Therefore, the current hot debate with the Tigers competing in New York this weekend is the American League's most valuable player competition.

A-Rod is being championed as the shoo-in for the MVP. He leads MLB in home runs and RBIs.

Other things ARod is beating Magglio in:

VORP
OPS
Win Probability Added
RC
SecA
IsoP
EQR

Though Magglio has him in EqA, .333 to .332.

There is this bit of news for the great unwashed:

Magglio Ordonez hits home runs that win ball games.

Well, shit. Because ARod hits the kind that cause Peruvian earthquakes and give kids diseases.

He hits singles and doubles that contribute to winning ball games.

Dammit. I had no idea. ARod only hits the kind of singles that earn him, personally, money, which he uses to invest in blood diamond mines in Africa. And ARod's doubles -- besides taking runs off the board from his team -- are converted into energy that powers a rec center for Aryan nation youth gangs.

He hit a home run last October that won a pennant and sent his team into the World Series.

ARod sucks. Because he has never been placed in this exact situation and come through in exactly the same way. Robin Ventura is way better than ARod.

Ordonez happens to be immeasurably more valuable to his team than A-Rod is with all his fluff and flourishes, flubs and superfluous home runs.

There are any number of statistics I could use to prove you wrong, but I will actually just repeat what has been implied, and what is self-evident, if you think long and hard about what you just wrote and published:

You are stupid, sir. This is a stupid thing to say.

They are both extremely valuable to their teams. To imply that ARod is less valuable because he, I guess, hits more home runs, but has never exactly hit a home run that won a pennant for his team...I mean...that is just...farty. That is farty writing. That writing smells like farts.

Okay. Back to work. Hey! It's 7:30! Quittin' time!

Labels: arod, fremulon insurance, fuck the heck, jerry green, magglio ordonez

Just talked to my man KT, on his way home from a rough day at Fremulon. All I can say is: if any of our readers are college seniors thinking about becoming insurance adjusters, do not put Fremulon at the top of your list of places to work. They will work you to tha bone!

(Note: This is, in no way, an indictment of Ken's boss, Rog Flavelman, who I have met several times at various F.I. barbecues and bowling parties. Rog is, simply put, a 100% stand-up, awesome dude. There are just some places that have -- I don't know -- an institutional agenda that puts the individual a distant second to the corporation itself. You know what I mean.)

Anyway, Ken tells me that we got some white hot e-mails in re: Timmy McCarvestone at the ASG, but he was too busy dealing with the usual Fremulonsense to post.

Bottom 2. Russell Martin at the dish. Timbo Mac points out that Martin (whose physical resemblance to Entourage's Turtle will be pointed out later in a riveting Fox graphic) has excellent speed for a catcher. Sixteen swipes already this year. Buck then asks Mac what his season high in stolen bases was. His answer?

A very confident: "thirteen."

Of course, the real answer, about which I am even more confident, is nine. Should we be surprised? Not really. This ain't the first time TM has exaggerated about his own abilities. Check it:

July 22nd, 2005, Cardinals at Cubs:
TM: "Derrek Lee is just an unstoppable force at the plate. Sometimes, you just have a season where everything goes your way."
Buck: "Did you have a season like that?"
TM: "I did. 1964. Set my career high in home runs for a season: 140."

August 1st, 1999, Expos at Braves:
TM: "Watch Jose Vidro leg out this triple on the replay. I tell ya, that is not an easy thing to do...hit a triple."
Buck: "You hit many in your day?"
TM: "Not too many, but when I did, I got four bases instead of three."

August 18th, 2002, Mets at Padres:
TM: "There we get a great look at Piazza's catcher's mitt, and how he frames the pitch. I myself never wore more than 1.8 catcher's mitts at a time."

June 4th, 2006, Orioles at Yankees:
TM: "Derek Jeter, of course, the fearless Captain of the Yankees."
Buck: "You were a captain once, were you not?"
TM: "I was indeed. I had the pleasure of being 3 captains, in fact."

Labels: all-star game, fremulon insurance, tim mccarver

Folks, let me tell you something about the insurance business. It's crazy. Incredibly unpredictable. Exhausting. Every day when you wake up, you don't know whether you'll be filling out a Wyoming Investigator's Traffic Accident Report, Code Sheet PR-802-A:


or reading that out of freaking nowhere, E-Claim.com and The Council on Ethical Billing are forming a strategic alliance! Man. Insurance creates strange bedfellows, am I right?

Anyway, what this insanity means, is that I don't get to spend as much time blogging as I would like. Fortunately, we have very dedicated readers, who send us links, quips, and comments. And from time to time, we cite them here, in a little segment we like to call: Gallimaufry Time!

The HR Derby led to some real gems. From btroup1:

Berman, Morgan, and Baker at the same table? Are you okay? Do I need to call a doctor?

Dusty: "My son wanted to go out there [to shag balls] but I told him he was too young." Where can I find a JT Snow .gif?

Here you go, buddy. I guess he wasn't too young then.

Daniel chimes in with a keen observation:

Is it me or does EVERYONE remind Joe Morgan of Ken Griffey Jr.? Rios, Holliday, the man selling hot dogs, everyone.

I, too, have noticed this phenomenon. "He reminds me of Ken Griffey, Jr." is to the JM arsenal what the Sherman Tank was to the Allies. It is rivaled only by "Willie Mays was the best player I ever saw" for sheer frequency of repetition.

David gets credit for citing my favorite moment:

Berman: Does it help [Holliday] that he plays three series here a year?

Joe: No, I don't think so. This is a home-run-hitting contest, not a...

[long pause]

...place where you get accustomed to the view, and so forth.

Excellent.

Many people have sent us the link to a brilliant FoxSports blog entry by Ed Hardiman, entitled: "Slobbermetrics, How [sic] Bill James and Math Nearly Destroyed Baseball." I began a lengthy post on this Pulitzer- and Mark Twain Prize-Winning article, and then decided it simply wasn't worth it. I will link it, in case you have not seen it and wish to waste two minutes of your life. For a fun home game, count how many commas are used inappropriately. And how many absolutely fucking terrible jokes he includes. This is the humor equivalent of anaesthesia-less knee surgery.

I sometimes feel bad for John Kruk. He is obviously uncomfortable on BBTN, and the producers make him argue things in which he does not believe. Tex5011 has no such sympathy:

The question was, "Who is the toughest out in the AL All-Star lineup?" Now, remember that this lineup features A-Rod, Jeter, and Ortiz. But Kruk's answer was Placido Polanco. There's a reason Polanco's batting eighth. Kruk, you are an idiot.

A quick glance at OBP lists will actually tell you who is the toughest out (Magglio-Ortiz-Vladdy-ARod, in that order). But Placido is only 6 OBP points behind Kenny Lofton.

Drew points us to a potential new target:

John Kincade, on his Sunday morning ESPN show, said:

"We don't need obscure, newfangled stats like OPS and WHIP to tell us who the best players are. We watch the games, we know who the best players are."

You make your list, I will make mine. Then we will have our teams play each other one million times. Mine will win.

I got a lot of feedback on the last Bruce Jenkins attack, mostly in re: the pitch count section. Some interesting points. Brett sez:

In a complementary sense, nobody can tally the list of "normal" young pitchers who lost effectiveness because of injuries (diagnosed or not) caused by managers ignorantly disregarding pitch counts. Because they became mediocre or worse and disappeared from the game. It's the classic statistical problem of survivorship bias. (People think the average hedge fund returns are X%, because they start today and work backwards and miss the funds that blew out a few years ago).

For every 1968 Bob Gibson you show me who pitched the beginning, middle and end of every triple header, I wish I could show you the legions of 60's pitchers who would have pitched longer and more effectively if they had been taken care of, but I can't because they're almost impossible to identify.

Well played, sir. Also well-played by Eric:

[Gibson] was indeed a once-in-a-generation freak. But by my reckoning, Bob Gibson
was kinda sorta finished at age 36. His age 37-39 seasons were quite ordinary.

Catfish Hunter is another oft-cited example [of innings-eating monsters]. He was done
at 30.

So it would seem that the non-freak pitchers, i.e., the "majority of pitchers" would be
cooked far earlier than 36. Now, I find nothing wrong with--altho I don't agree--the
argument that its management's prerogative to choose to win a World Series or two
with a couple of pitchers throwing 325 innings, shortening their careers in the process.
But Jenkins doesn't make that argument.

I would say that Gibby's 37 year-old season was still pretty damn good. But he was no Clemens, or RJ, at 38-39-40... He wasn't even Curt Schilling at 39. Now, obviously he threw many more innings at crazy ERA+ before that age. But as for whether it's a good idea? As Brett says above, you can't look at the most successful example in history -- the extremest outlier -- in order to get a good look at the results of an experiment. This is equal to the burn-out child's claim that good grades do not matter, because "Einstein dropped out of school in like eighth grade!"

The most in-depth comments came from Richard, who challenged the claim that pitcher abuse can be measured most by the number of pitches over 100 in an individual outing. I based this link-less statement on a Baseball Prospectus article in "Baseball Between the Numbers." Richard got all up in it -- in a way I truly admired and respected, BTW -- and after much research sent me this link to an excellent article at The Hardball Times. Essentially, it the scientific evidence for the BP PAP (Pitcher Abuse Point) data, which can be found here.

Now, I am just a mild-mannered insurance claims adjuster. I am not a scientist. The BP evidence looks compelling to me, but I trust THT and BP equally, and the two of them disagreeing (even if it was several years ago) makes me feel like mommy and daddy are fighting, and I don't like it. As soon as I take care of this Wyoming traffic accident claim, I am going to poke around some more and see what the real deal is. Fascinating stuff.

Enough math. Back to dumb. Ben writes in with this gem:

In introducing the Braves' starting lineup for tonights game, Jon Miller dubbed Willie Harris "The Pride of Cairo, Georgia."

Also hailing from Cairo: this dude.

Excellent.

Jason chips in, with a report on the hands-down best announcing duo in professional sports:

Listening to Hawk Harrelson and Darin Jackson is always a chore.

It was even more so, when, during yesterday’s Twins games, they repeatedly referred to the Twins’ old middle-infield combo of Luis Rivas and Cristian Guzman as “tough outs.”

Luis Rivas career OBP: .307
Cristian Guzman career OBP: .302 (which includes his season+ in Washington)

So maybe they always had good games against the White Sox and the announcers are just remembering that? I’d buy that.

Luis Rivas career OBP vs. CHW: .300
Cristian Guzman career OBP vs. CHW: .287.

It's always nice when the announcers label players as the exact opposite of what they really are. It's the Platonic ideal of "wrong."

Finally, many of you linked Peter Gammons's InSider blog entry about players with "energy." It's iffy, but it's not outrageous. He is just saying that certain guys have a lot of energy...I don't know. Call me a hypocrite, but I just cannot bring myself to lay into Gammo. Lifetime pass.

Labels: fremulon insurance, gallimaufry, hawk harrelson, home run derby, joe morgan, peter gammons, pitch counts