FIRE JOE MORGAN: Deedle de DEE, dee DEE!


Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

FJM has gone dark for the foreseeable future. Sorry folks. We may post once in a while, but it's pretty much over. You can still e-mail dak, Ken Tremendous, Junior, Matthew Murbles, or Coach.

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Tuesday, May 29, 2007


Deedle de DEE, dee DEE!


(That is sung to the "Charge" tune they play in baseball stadiums. Who got that?)

Joe Morgan: Good morning and welcome to the chat!

Ken Tremendous: You know what I like about you, Joe? You're always so polite to me, even though my sole intention is to point out what a bad analyst you are. I respect that.

Jason (West Orange): Do you see anything wrong with Bobby Abreu?

Joe Morgan:
I don't see him enough to make that evaluation, but Joe Torre said that he's not as aggressive as he normally is. A lot of guys get off to slow starts. He's a proven hitter so you'd expect him to pick it up before the season is over.

KT: "I don't see him enough to make that evaluation." Strong start right out of the gate. If for some reason this is your first JoeChat, I am going to now list some sentences Joe has written in previous chats that will explain why I am so continually frustrated with him. All of these, and more, can be accessed by doing a blog search for Joe Morgan at the top of this page.

I haven't seen enough of him this year
It's tough for me to answer that question from afar
I don't see how they go about their business on a day-to-day basis
I can't answer that because I don't know what they think individually
Well you cannot compare anything anymore anyway
I don't know much about their front office and their scouting systems
I won't say someone's overrated because I don't see him every day
I know Roger pretty well, but I'm not going to predict what he will do
I won't say someone's overrated because I don't see him every day
I can't answer if they're the worst ever, because I didn't see all of the others that didn't win
It's hard because I didn't see the 27 Yankees
I don't know either of them well enough to make the statements that you made
I'm going to have to wait until the season's over
I haven't seen him play first base
I don't know what the city needs
I'm not sure that's going to happen next year
I'm not sure how much he's going to want or how many years
I'm not sure if it's ever happened before
I'm not sure if it ever happened before
I'm not sure about three different players.

I have no idea where he'll play. I have no idea
I just don't know how good the Dodgers are
I haven't seen him play much
I live in the Bay area, so I get to see a lot and read a lot on the Giants
I'm not there to see how he's throwing and his mental state
I haven't had much of a chance to check him out, but I have heard some good things

This is only back through August of last year, because I got bored. And you probably did too. But you see the point, right? This guy is an analyst. And he never analyzes anything. And he remains literally ignorant about much of what goes on in baseball, and defends his ignorance proudly by saying things like: "I don't see him enough to make that evaluation."

It is our crazy belief, here at FJM, that Joe Morgan, the #1 analyst on the #1 baseball-broadcaster in the world, should watch some baseball games in order to be able to make cogent analyses of various things. If you agree, please continue to read.

Paddy (St. Louis, MO): Hey Joe, Do you miss the old style carpet astro-turf?

Joe Morgan: I always preferred natural turf to play on. I almost got used to it, but there's nothing like playing baseball on natural turf. I would prefer all the parks to be on natural turf.

KT: Not that the point of these chats is to attack Joe or anything, but this is the biggest softball question ever asked in a chat. "Hey Joe: would you prefer to eat a urinal cake or pizza?"

Jerry (DC): Just because the all-star game is in a national league park, why should Kevin Youkilis be left off the ballot in favor of Big Papi? I like Big Papi, but Youkilis is having an All-Star season this year. Is it really all about money and popularity? I thought the All-Star game was for performance.

KT: No no no, friend. The All-Star Game is about fan/player voting, representing every team, and managers rewarding their own players. It is only marginally about performance. It is a silly exhibition joke nothing game and should never be used as a measure of anything important.

Joe Morgan: Every year, someone gets left off while they're having a good year. Sometimes a player that's hot is left off the ballot. Steve Garvey was a write-in once in a good year when he was left off the ballot. When you make up the ballots, would you rather have Youkilis or Ortiz? You can't have a ballot of 600 players.

KT: I would, ideally, like to reward the players who are having the best seasons. I know -- it's a loopy notion.

Brad(NM): Who, in your opinion, has the best looking swing in baseball?

Joe Morgan: That's a hard question because there are so many guys who have great swings when they're swinging well, and not so much when they're not. I like Griffey's from the left, and Manny or Albert Pujols from the right.

KT: Even when he answers the questions, he begins with a laundry list of disclaimers. Hard question. Lots of guys. Blah blah blah. Just answer, man. You could handle 3x as many questions if you just answered.

Mark (Boston): How great was it to see an inside the park home run? Which do you think is rarer: triple plays or inside the park home runs?

Joe Morgan: I don't know which one is rarer. Probably the triple play, because you have thousands of at-bats where people have a chance to hit an inside-the-park home run, but fewer chances to hit into a double play.

KT: I timed myself. In 23 seconds I found that there have been 666 triple plays in MLB from 1876 through April of 2007, (weird), and 975 ITPHR since 1951. So, yes, you were right, Guess-o-Matic 3000.

Nate Taylor - Denver: Joe, the Rockies have won six straight and naturally they aren't making headlines outside of Colorado. Do you think this is an aboration or can they put together a .500 season?

KT: Joe knows nothing about the Rockies team, I guarantee. I bet he mentions absolutely nothing specific about any one of their players.

Joe Morgan: At the beginning of the season, they had high hopes in Colorado. The fact that they used the humidor up there to take the offense out of Coors Field has definitely helped them. They have a chance of being a good team. As you go along, your confidence level raises, so this may get them to a level above .500.

KT: I win. I mean, how fricking bizarre would it have been if Joe suddenly started talking about Brad Hawpe and Troy Tulowitzki and Todd Helton's resurgence and Matt Holliday? Wouldn't that have freaked your bean? And shouldn't how much it would have freaked your bean mean that he shouldn't be the #1 analyst on the #1 baseball-broadcasting network?

I would also add that the Rocks have been outscored by 41 runs so far, so let's not go making plans for October just yet.

Slew (Seattle): Three straight against the Tigers? Are the Indians the favorites in the AL central?

Joe Morgan: I don't think so. I think the Tigers, when healthy, are the best team, especially with their bullpen. At this point, Cleveland is playing great, but it's a long season. I think you'll have a close race in the division, with the White Sox and Twins also in the race. It's the best division in baseball.

KT: Cleveland has a better run differential. Chicago has been outscored by 23 runs. My money's on the Indians, frankly. And is Joe even taking Zumaya's injury into account when he talks about the Tigers' bullpen? It's still good, but that guy made it a beast. Whatever. I'm just casually and without-putting-too-much-thought-into-it offering answers to these questions. I learned from the master.

Nick (Cincinnati): Hey Joe, Not exactly seeing the Big Red Machine these days in Cincy. What do you think is the biggest problem with the Reds? They're not this bad, are they?

Joe Morgan: They looked good at the beginning of the season. Griffey is hitting well right now, but they're not playing well. I think one of the biggest problems in baseball right now is GMs evaluating pitching. They tend to overestimate what they have. The Reds' pitching has not lived up to its potential, and their offense has not been as good or consistent as they thought it could be.

KT: What do you think would happen if Joe clicked on this link and learned that Adam Dunn is out-hitting Griffey in basically every category? Would he suddenly renounce his knee-jerk non-researched claims about striking out a lot and become interested in Sabermetrics? I bet he would!!!!!! Let's do it!!!!!!! Let's...somehow get him to use a computer!!!!! Go!!!! Do it, you guys!!!!!! (I haven't thought this through very well.)

Chris (Orlando): Hi Joe, I just want to say thanks for hitting that homerun on the final day of the '82 season against the Dodgers to send my Braves into the postseason. Thanks

Joe Morgan: You're welcome, but Ted Turner promised me a case of Cristal, and I'm still waiting for it!

KT: Bud Selig should investigate this immediately. It smacks of conspiracy. (I'm grasping at straws, but I'd like the guy fired, so I'll try anything.)

Jeff (Washington): Is the nationals recent "surge" a fluke or as Manny really brought this team into their own and do us fans in DC really have something to be excited about.

Joe Morgan: Let's hope it's not a fluke, because at the beginning of the year, people said they were going to set a loss record. It's a long season, but Manny definitely has something to build on there, and they could end up with a decent season.

KT: What do you think would happen if Joe clicked on this link and read about how Manny Acta employs sabermetrically-inclined strategies into his management style? Would he suddenly quit his job and read Moneyball and realize his entire post-playing career in baseball has been a total waste and renounce his material possessions and go overseas to help the poor and write a book called I'm a Dummy: My Life in the Booth and mail it to everyone who reads this blog free of charge and use all of his money to start a Joe Morgan Honorary Fellowship for retired baseball players to study sabermetrics and move to a mountaintop and become a guru for people who want to learn intelligent ways to answer chatroom questions?

I think he would!!!!!!!!!

Let's do it, you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Labels: ,

posted by Anonymous  # 5:45 PM
Lee (Rocky) helpfully points out that if Joe had gotten Cristal from Ted Turner, it would actually have broken a rule:
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