FIRE JOE MORGAN: Erstad Nobly Sacrifices Self For White Sox, Will Receive Purple Heart


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Friday, June 01, 2007


Erstad Nobly Sacrifices Self For White Sox, Will Receive Purple Heart

would have been a better headline. Instead, the Chicago Tribune went with

Erstad adds to Sox's misery

By OBPing 28 points lower and slugging 83 points lower than league average, sure. Miserable. Right? Right, guys?

One of few bright spots out for at least 2 weeks

Ohhhh ... oh. I see. You're one of those guys. Funny/weird/sad thing is, the White Sox have been so bad, Erstad almost qualifies as a bright spot. The Fighting South Side Ozzies are smartballin' it to the tune of a .309 OBP, good for dead goddamn last in the major leagues. So Ersto's .311 OBP, while terrible, is downright above average on that squad. (His .341 SLG, though, really really isn't helping anybody.)

Hey, just a little heads up -- in the next paragraph, the writer will take a page out of Joe Morgan's book and use the word "consistent" in a questionable manner.

Erstad, one of the Sox's few consistent offensive players, will be lost for at least two weeks after suffering ligament damage in a 2-0 loss at Toronto.

Technically somewhat accurate. Mr. Consistency:

April OPS: .688 (terrible)
May OPS: .619 (even terribler)

Second heads up -- Ozzie Guillen's about to abuse "consistent."

"He's one of my best players," manager Ozzie Guillen said. "This guy is a smart player. The way he was playing, he was playing great. He has been consistent all year long, offensively and defensively.

White Sox players who are more "best" than Darin Erstad:

Jim Thome
Paul Konerko
Jermaine Dye
A.J. Pierzynski
Tadahito Iguchi

And possibly:

Joe Crede
Juan Uribe
Rob Mackowiak

Those guys aren't really any good, but it's sort of a tossup between them and Erstad. So yes, Darin Erstad is one of your 8 or 9 best players, Ozzie. Also: he's consistent, except when he gets hurt, which is every year.

Erstad, who turns 33 Monday, suffered the injury while swinging at and missing a 2-1 pitch from Toronto starter Roy Halladay in the sixth inning. Erstad immediately went down in pain, and teammates feared the worst.

"If it wasn't that big of a deal he would have stayed in there, because he's a gamer," losing pitcher Mark Buehrle added. "But it's not good."

When J.D. Drew got hurt in 2005, Mark Buehrle called him a pussy and kicked sand in his eyes. Just kidding. It was Jon Garland.

Erstad's contributions run deeper than his .295 batting average from the leadoff spot.

Seriously, dude? Fuck that. I was just having some fun with you before, but that is a fucking blatant misuse of statistics, and I won't fucking stand for that shit. You say: Darin Erstad batted .295 in the leadoff spot. I say: Darin Erstad went 7 for 43 not hitting leadoff, and those at bats still count. 7 for 43 makes for a batting average of 0.162790698.

"He has been our spark plug," Buehrle said. "Since Pods went down, Erstad has been at the top of the lineup, getting on base, breaking up double plays and special for the starting pitchers playing center field.

Is Darin Erstad on the verge of replacing David Eckstein as FJM's favorite dead horse? Yes. Yes he is. Because he has the singular power to make people call him gamer-y and sparky and pluggy. And when he gets hurt, people talk about him in hushed tones like he's a war hero or Christopher Reeve. Don't get me started on Reeve's EqA in Superman III.

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posted by Junior  # 7:28 PM
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