FIRE JOE MORGAN: FoxSports Gets Mohr Bad: Another Pun!


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Thursday, August 02, 2007


FoxSports Gets Mohr Bad: Another Pun!

This article was linked to us by reader Jason with an excellent note: "This is a declaration of war against any reasonably intelligent sports fan."

Meet Jay Mohr: Judge For Yourself

I will, thank you.

Hi. My name is Jay Mohr and I'm the new guy around here. I will be writing sports articles on this site for the next year or so.

Hi, Jay. I'm Ken Tremendous. I will be ridiculing you.

Since you did not ask for me to be a part of your Internet experience, I figured I could explain some things about me. Some beliefs that I have, sports-wise, and then you can decide each week whether or not you want to come back. Fair? Cool.

Definitely fair. Hit me.

I am a sports fanatic. I grew up in New Jersey, where a baby's first word is usually IROC.

IROC jokes. Excellent. Only 25 years after it might have resonated.

I hate the designated hitter rule in baseball. A baseball player should not have a 15-year career without owning a mitt. If pitchers hit in both leagues, sure scoring would go down — but getting drilled in the back would be way, way up.

Yes, everyone's favorite play in baseball. The drilling of a batter. And the ensuing fights. Why can't we have more of that?

I don't think Roger Clemens would have decapitated Mike Piazza in the World Series if he was due to lead off the next inning.

I kind of think he still would have. Clemens does not care. He once threw at his own pregnant wife, blah blah blah. The point is: we all agree that home runs are less "baseball" than beanballs, right? (Also, that "decapitation" didn't happen in the World Series. It happened in July. See comments section below.)

I hate when people say a black athlete is "well spoken." I also hate when someone says, "he runs fast for a white guy."

A fair point. I am with Jay Mohr here.

I hate the Raiders and would like to remind you to keep your Raiders' fans spayed and neutered.

A "Price is Right" reference. Excellent. You're actually going backward in time. Next pop culture reference: The Birth of a Nation.

I have noticed that no one really hates the Seahawks.

Some people probably hate the Seahawks. Don't Raider fans hate the Seahawks? Carolina Panther fans probably don't like them too much. Also, when did this become Larry King's USA Today column?

I find it hilarious that Los Angeles has a soccer team but no football team. Soccer sucks. Most soccer games end by a score of 2-1. If you played the entire game without goalies, it would end 9-8.

Soccer sucks. What a hilariously "tell it like it is" contrarian point of view. You're American, Jay! Awesome. Fuck those soccer nerds. You can't touch the ball with your hands? Where I come from (Jersey!) if you played soccer you'd get beat up by some dudes in IROCs and Iron Maiden tee-shirts, because soccer is gay. Who likes soccer? Dorks, that's who! Football 4-eva!!!!!

Hockey sucks too. I can't root for a guy whose name on the back of his jersey has no vowels.

Like "Hull?" Or "Howe?" Or "Messier?" Or "Stevens" or "MacInnis?" Also, isn't the classic (and cliché) joke about "guys who have no vowels on their jerseys" usually in reference to NFL placekickers? The joke has been done about 100o times, so it should be easy to research that.

I also don't think a sport is legitimate if its inception depended on the weather.

Like baseball? Hockey is played in Phoenix, Los Angeles, Florida, and Dallas. The inception of basketball depended on an actual like apple basket -- does that matter? I'm sleepy.

I think the jump ball in basketball is useless and moronic, almost as moronic as the 700 people who applaud after their team wins the opening tip.

Yes, things would be much more exciting if the opening play was an inbounds pass. That's definitely the biggest issue in NBA basketball today. The unrelenting use of the tip-off. This is some hard-hitting -- and funny -- stuff here.

I think it is unfair that the New York Giants and the New York Jets play in the same parking lot as the New Jersey Devils and the New Jersey Nets.


The WNBA is the biggest waste of television time since the last Spurs game.

Other wastes of television time include: Mohr Sports, Christmas Do-Over, your appearances as Wayne Foxworthy on The Jeff Foxworthy Show, and your Weekend Update appearances. But well-done on attacking the WNBA. They've had it too good for too long. Take them down a peg.

Jerry Seinfeld is overrated..."What's the deal with this article?"

Allow me to pause here to say: Jay Mohr slamming Jerry Seinfeld is honestly one of the saddest things I have ever seen. It actually makes me sad. I can't even come up with a jokey analogy of how pathetic it is. And to use the old "What's the deal with..." formula...I mean, that is the oldest and lamest way to describe the man's comedy. Man. I feel sick.

Also: isn't this supposed to be about sports?

I think that Bud Selig looks like Stephen Hawking.

Ha ha ha! Stephen Hawking has a disease! That's hilarious. Well-played, Mohr.

I think that Michael Finley looks like Billy Ocean.

A Billy Ocean reference. Billy Ocean. You want to know how old this reference is? Billy Ocean's Greatest Hits collection came out in 1989. Do you have a single joke that was written in the last 15 years?

I think that Mike Bibby looks like Kermit the Frog.

Pass. I can't even...pass. Move on.

I think I am starting to type nonsense.

Too bad this was being published as a live chat and you couldn't rewrite it. What's that? It wasn't? He could have rewritten it? Huh.

I will be back here next week with something fascinating.

Forgive my skepticism.

Labels: ,

posted by Unknown  # 5:08 PM
Reader Eric writes:

(1) Wouldn't a better guess be that HBP would go DOWN if the AL pitchers had to hit? From 1973 to 2006, AL pitchers have averaged .264 HBP/9IP... .248 in the NL. That's all of ONE HBP per 61 games, or about 19 more per season FOR ALL TEAMS COMBINED!

The point that pitchers would hit fewer batters because they are scared of the retaliation is so obvious I can't believe I missed it.

He then continues with some of the best and most instantaneous research in FJM history.

(2) How many players really even remotely fit that [DH] description [of not owning mitts and never playing in the field]?

Harold Baines played the most games as a DH in MLB history [1644]... yet he still had over 1000 games as a position player.

Only counting games at a position since 1973 [so a player who played in the 60s and then DHed late in his career would not get credit for those early games at a position, only those that he might have accrued after the DH came into existance], here are the players who had atleast 2 games at DH for every one in the field, min 300 games as a DH:

Hal McRae 1427 vs 333
Edgar Martinez 1412 vs 591
Willie Horton 753 vs 183
David Ortiz 752 vs 231
Rico Carty 650 vs 133
Ken Phelps 467 vs 131
Tommy Davis 450 vs 5
Travis Hafner 433 vs 61
Reggie Jefferson 433 vs 164
Glenn Adams 373 vs 145
Frank Robinson 321 vs 25

We're talking ELEVEN guys in 34 seasons. Take all the guys with 1000+ games games as a DH together, and they average 41% of their games in the field; 500+ games, 53%; 400+ games 60%; 300+, 64%; etc. Most of these guys DO take the field now and then...

And Slade writes in with another excellent point:

In his article, Jay Mohr makes a statement about Clemens decapitating Piazza in the World Series. The problem is, that didn't happen. The game where Piazza got drilled was the second of a day-night, two stadium doubleheader on July 8, 2000. Here's the boxscore for it.

The reason the bat-throwing thing in the 2000 World Series got as much play as it did was because of that incident in Yankee Stadium in July.

Another thing I can't believe I missed, from Joe:

I can't figure this out for the life of me. Am I on crazy pills?

Isn't this:

"If pitchers hit in both leagues, sure scoring would go down — but getting drilled in the back would be way, way up."

Totally contradicted by this anecdote:

"I don't think Roger Clemens would have decapitated Mike Piazza in the World Series if he was due to lead off the next inning."

Yes. Yes it sure is.
I am watching the Sox-Mariners' game on Fox Sports Pacific NW or whatever, and just saw an add for a very grizzled-looking Billy Ocean, live in concert, on something called the Emerald Queen on I-135.

I wholeheartedly apologize to Jay Mohr, whose references are fresh as the morning dew.
Billy Ocean Concert Info Erratum, from David:

Since you guys are all about accuracy, particularly when it comes to regurgitating gambling commercials on TV, I wanted to point out that the Emerald Queen Casino is at Exit 135 on I-5 in Tacoma. You probably wouldn't want to go there -- a giant pulpwood mill is located a mile or so upwind from the casino, contributing to the world-famous "Aroma of Tacoma."
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