FIRE JOE MORGAN

Definitely fair. Hit me.

I am a sports fanatic. I grew up in New Jersey, where a baby's first word is usually IROC.

IROC jokes. Excellent. Only 25 years after it might have resonated.

I hate the designated hitter rule in baseball. A baseball player should not have a 15-year career without owning a mitt. If pitchers hit in both leagues, sure scoring would go down — but getting drilled in the back would be way, way up.

Yes, everyone's favorite play in baseball. The drilling of a batter. And the ensuing fights. Why can't we have more of that?

I don't think Roger Clemens would have decapitated Mike Piazza in the World Series if he was due to lead off the next inning.

I kind of think he still would have. Clemens does not care. He once threw at his own pregnant wife, blah blah blah. The point is: we all agree that home runs are less "baseball" than beanballs, right? (Also, that "decapitation" didn't happen in the World Series. It happened in July. See comments section below.)

I hate when people say a black athlete is "well spoken." I also hate when someone says, "he runs fast for a white guy."

A fair point. I am with Jay Mohr here.

I hate the Raiders and would like to remind you to keep your Raiders' fans spayed and neutered.

A "Price is Right" reference. Excellent. You're actually going backward in time. Next pop culture reference: The Birth of a Nation.

I have noticed that no one really hates the Seahawks.

Some people probably hate the Seahawks. Don't Raider fans hate the Seahawks? Carolina Panther fans probably don't like them too much. Also, when did this become Larry King's USA Today column?

I find it hilarious that Los Angeles has a soccer team but no football team. Soccer sucks. Most soccer games end by a score of 2-1. If you played the entire game without goalies, it would end 9-8.

Soccer sucks. What a hilariously "tell it like it is" contrarian point of view. You're American, Jay! Awesome. Fuck those soccer nerds. You can't touch the ball with your hands? Where I come from (Jersey!) if you played soccer you'd get beat up by some dudes in IROCs and Iron Maiden tee-shirts, because soccer is gay. Who likes soccer? Dorks, that's who! Football 4-eva!!!!!

Hockey sucks too. I can't root for a guy whose name on the back of his jersey has no vowels.

Like "Hull?" Or "Howe?" Or "Messier?" Or "Stevens" or "MacInnis?" Also, isn't the classic (and cliché) joke about "guys who have no vowels on their jerseys" usually in reference to NFL placekickers? The joke has been done about 100o times, so it should be easy to research that.

I also don't think a sport is legitimate if its inception depended on the weather.

Like baseball? Hockey is played in Phoenix, Los Angeles, Florida, and Dallas. The inception of basketball depended on an actual like apple basket -- does that matter? I'm sleepy.

I think the jump ball in basketball is useless and moronic, almost as moronic as the 700 people who applaud after their team wins the opening tip.

Yes, things would be much more exciting if the opening play was an inbounds pass. That's definitely the biggest issue in NBA basketball today. The unrelenting use of the tip-off. This is some hard-hitting -- and funny -- stuff here.

I think it is unfair that the New York Giants and the New York Jets play in the same parking lot as the New Jersey Devils and the New Jersey Nets.

Jersey!!!!!

The WNBA is the biggest waste of television time since the last Spurs game.

Other wastes of television time include: Mohr Sports, Christmas Do-Over, your appearances as Wayne Foxworthy on The Jeff Foxworthy Show, and your Weekend Update appearances. But well-done on attacking the WNBA. They've had it too good for too long. Take them down a peg.

Jerry Seinfeld is overrated..."What's the deal with this article?"

Allow me to pause here to say: Jay Mohr slamming Jerry Seinfeld is honestly one of the saddest things I have ever seen. It actually makes me sad. I can't even come up with a jokey analogy of how pathetic it is. And to use the old "What's the deal with..." formula...I mean, that is the oldest and lamest way to describe the man's comedy. Man. I feel sick.

Also: isn't this supposed to be about sports?

I think that Bud Selig looks like Stephen Hawking.

Ha ha ha! Stephen Hawking has a disease! That's hilarious. Well-played, Mohr.

I think that Michael Finley looks like Billy Ocean.

A Billy Ocean reference. Billy Ocean. You want to know how old this reference is? Billy Ocean's Greatest Hits collection came out in 1989. Do you have a single joke that was written in the last 15 years?

I think that Mike Bibby looks like Kermit the Frog.

Pass. I can't even...pass. Move on.

I think I am starting to type nonsense.

Too bad this was being published as a live chat and you couldn't rewrite it. What's that? It wasn't? He could have rewritten it? Huh.

I will be back here next week with something fascinating.

Forgive my skepticism.

Labels: jay mohr, puns

posted by Anonymous  # 5:08 PM