That's my new horrible pun for articles written about MLB's Tinkerbell, David Eckstein. "Arteckle." Yeah. You're welcome.
You've read this article
four hundred times before, when it was written by other people. Only this time it's from Canada!
Now, you pretty much know what we have to say about Eckstein. Or, more to the point, you pretty much know what we have to say about what other people say about
Eckstein. So don't feel bad about skipping over this one. I mean, I don't know why you would ever feel bad about not reading one entry on a meaningless, hyper-niched baseball blog. What I'm trying to say is: this is going to be bad for everyone. Underdog Champion
For Blue Jays shortstop David Eckstein, success forever will be measured in unexpected, hard-earned triumphs.
If it's possible to implicity dick-slap every other baseball player in the face, that's what's going on here. Are Matt Garza's triumphs easily earned? Did Yadier Molina expect to win the World Series more than Eckstein did, because he's a jerk or something? I say no. I'm calling dick-slap. (Implicitly...in the face.)
It is as it has been and likely shall forever be: David Eckstein has to prove himself all over again.
David Eckstein does not have to prove anything anymore. For the past seven years, he has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is a not-that-great-but-fine-if-you-need-someone major league shortstop. In so doing he has been given every accolade known to man, including the Flomax "Look Again At This White Guy!" Award, and the coveted Purina Premium Pet Food Lowest Ratio Of Height To Hair Wispiness Order Of Merit ("The Wispy"). He is in his usual role -- unappreciated, undersized and under a mircoscope, just as he was as a small man on the University of Florida campus.
By the end of this sentence, I forgot whether author Bob Elliot had informed that Eckstein was undersized or oversized. Fortunately, he reminded me at the end of the sentence by pointing out that he was a small man back when he was in college. Speaking of -- why do they always mention that he went to the University of Florida? So did Brad Wilkerson. Who cares?
I mean, at least tell me the guy used to be a punter. Then maybe I'd get excited. Eckstein has proved everyone wrong and now, at age 33 and standing at 5-foot-61/2, he will try to be Mr. Reliable at shortstop for the Blue Jays and an igniter out of the leadoff spot.
Note: (a) despite having proved everyone wrong, he still has to prove himself; and (b) third mention of his tininess in the span of like 30 words.
If this were Fark we would now be accepting entries in the "Photoshop David Eckstein as Mr. Reliable" contest. We are not Fark.
What's not to like about Eckstein?
Well, I wouldn't say that .356 OBP is terrible from the leadoff position, but it's not great. And certainly you'd hope for a little more --
Well, he committed 20 errors in 2007 with the St. Louis Cardinals.
Oh. Okay -- that was weird. I thought that was a rhetorical question, and I was trying to be snarky by answering it, but then you actually answered the question, sort of poorly I think, and now I'm kind of stuck here, and...fuck.
There's more, of course. It just doesn't seem worth it. I'm sure if Eck were writing this he would grind his way through the rest. Sorry kids. Maybe I'm just too tall.
Labels: arteckle, bob elliott, david eckstein