FIRE JOE MORGAN: Riffs: the Lifeblood of a Dynasty


Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

FJM has gone dark for the foreseeable future. Sorry folks. We may post once in a while, but it's pretty much over. You can still e-mail dak, Ken Tremendous, Junior, Matthew Murbles, or Coach.

Main / Archives / Merch / Glossary / Goodbye

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


Riffs: the Lifeblood of a Dynasty

I really really wish Rob Dibble's Hard Ball had been updated in the last sixteen months. Without it, Dibble's wisdom is only parceled out in tiny, Sugar in the Raw packet-sized morsels of genius in other people's articles. For instance, Rob, why aren't there baseball dynasties anymore?

"There's too much movement now," former Reds reliever Rob Dibble says. "Chemistry is a big deal. You need to come up with the same guys, stay with them, get to know their tendencies and their inside jokes. Otherwise, it doesn't work."

Exactly. How am I supposed to field a ground ball when fucking Gomez over there doesn't laugh when I say "Do I make you horny, baby?" It's from Austin Powers. Jesus, Gomez. Santana understood me. Santana laughed every time.

Oh shit, the ball got past me. Fuck. Well, it's my turn to bat. I'm so depressed I guess I'll hit into a triple play. I hate Gomez. He told me he never even saw Meet the Parents. How am I supposed to do my "I have nipples, could you milk me?" routine?

I just struck out.


There's probably something to what Dibble's saying, though. If you look back at baseball's greatest teams, you'll notice one unmistakable fact: they're also baseball's funniest teams.

New York Giants: 1904 to 1924
Funniest riff: Heinie Zimmerman's Archduke Ferdinand impression. So funny, everyone who saw it admitted that the whole war was worth it just for that impression.

Chicago Cubs: 1906 to 1910
Funniest riff: Joe Tinker would armpit fart "La Marseillaise."

Philadelphia A's: 1910 to 1914
Funniest riff: Blackface.

New York Yankees: 1921 to 1928
Funniest riff: Lou Gehrig disease.

St. Louis Cardinals: 1926 to 1946
Funniest riff: Also Lou Gehrig disease.

New York Yankees: 1936 to 1964
Funniest riff: Yogi Berra would rest his balls on Phil Rizzuto's face when he fell asleep. This wasn't a joke; they just liked it. The funniest riff was when Mickey Mantle would beat up the batboy.

Baltimore Orioles: 1966 to 1983
Funniest riff: Mark Belanger had a very incisive bit about the '73 oil crisis. He currently hosts the show "Real Time with Bill Maher" under the name Bill Maher.

Cincinnati Reds: 1970 to 1976
Funniest riff: Joe Morgan used to perform a hilarious rant about ARPAnet. "Mark my words," he would say, "One day a computer will write a book that will ruin baseball."

Labels: ,

posted by Junior  # 11:19 PM
Comments: Post a Comment

<< Home


04.05   05.05   06.05   07.05   08.05   09.05   10.05   11.05   12.05   01.06   02.06   03.06   04.06   05.06   06.06   07.06   08.06   09.06   10.06   11.06   12.06   01.07   02.07   03.07   04.07   05.07   06.07   07.07   08.07   09.07   10.07   11.07   12.07   01.08   02.08   03.08   04.08   05.08   06.08   07.08   08.08   09.08   10.08   11.08  

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?