FIRE JOE MORGAN

I really really wish Rob Dibble's Hard Ball had been updated in the last sixteen months. Without it, Dibble's wisdom is only parceled out in tiny, Sugar in the Raw packet-sized morsels of genius in other people's articles. For instance, Rob, why aren't there baseball dynasties anymore?

"There's too much movement now," former Reds reliever Rob Dibble says. "Chemistry is a big deal. You need to come up with the same guys, stay with them, get to know their tendencies and their inside jokes. Otherwise, it doesn't work."

Exactly. How am I supposed to field a ground ball when fucking Gomez over there doesn't laugh when I say "Do I make you horny, baby?" It's from Austin Powers. Jesus, Gomez. Santana understood me. Santana laughed every time.

Oh shit, the ball got past me. Fuck. Well, it's my turn to bat. I'm so depressed I guess I'll hit into a triple play. I hate Gomez. He told me he never even saw Meet the Parents. How am I supposed to do my "I have nipples, could you milk me?" routine?

I just struck out.

---

There's probably something to what Dibble's saying, though. If you look back at baseball's greatest teams, you'll notice one unmistakable fact: they're also baseball's funniest teams.

New York Giants: 1904 to 1924
Funniest riff: Heinie Zimmerman's Archduke Ferdinand impression. So funny, everyone who saw it admitted that the whole war was worth it just for that impression.

Chicago Cubs: 1906 to 1910
Funniest riff: Joe Tinker would armpit fart "La Marseillaise."

Philadelphia A's: 1910 to 1914
Funniest riff: Blackface.

New York Yankees: 1921 to 1928
Funniest riff: Lou Gehrig disease.

St. Louis Cardinals: 1926 to 1946
Funniest riff: Also Lou Gehrig disease.

New York Yankees: 1936 to 1964
Funniest riff: Yogi Berra would rest his balls on Phil Rizzuto's face when he fell asleep. This wasn't a joke; they just liked it. The funniest riff was when Mickey Mantle would beat up the batboy.

Baltimore Orioles: 1966 to 1983
Funniest riff: Mark Belanger had a very incisive bit about the '73 oil crisis. He currently hosts the show "Real Time with Bill Maher" under the name Bill Maher.

Cincinnati Reds: 1970 to 1976
Funniest riff: Joe Morgan used to perform a hilarious rant about ARPAnet. "Mark my words," he would say, "One day a computer will write a book that will ruin baseball."

Labels: riffs, rob dibble

This is a true story: I saw that Rob Dibble had written a new column for FoxSports.com, and I literally jammed my fingers trying to cut and paste it into this blog as fast as I could. I type this with my left index finger soaking in a plastic cup full of ice water:

When Congress wanted to hold hearings on steroids I was amazed. Don't we have bigger problems in this country? I had just been to Iraq six months earlier and found out there is a giant war going on. And when I was a player with the Cincinnati Reds, my teammates and I helped raise money for the homeless.

>>You didn't know there was a war in Iraq...until you went to Iraq? Were you headed there on a vacation? And what in the world does the second sentence have to do with the first?

Just examples of the far more pressing questions in this country than why does Rafael Palmeiro use steroids, or why did any of the eight out of the 1,200 major-league roster players get caught using a banned substance?

>>I used a computer to decipher the grammatical structure of this sentence, and can officially report: it is dumb. At the time Congress intervened, Palmeiro hadn't tested positive, nor had most of the eight players he references. (I'm kind of making his point for him, but oh well.)

Let me get this straight, one more time, baseball is the root of all the problems in America?

>>Yes. That's the lesson to be learned by Congressional intervention. That baseball is the root of all the problems in America. That's what all the congressmen said when they had the hearings. "Mr. Selig, you are here because baseball is the root of all the problems in America." "I understand, Senator, and I am sorry. Sorry for the crime, sorry for the poverty, and especially sorry for WorldCom and Qwest."

If I take 1,200 policemen, 1,200 firemen, 1,200 doctors, 1,200 politicians and 1,200 airline pilots, how many of them do you think would test positive for a banned substance? Yeah you got it, more then baseball. So why is it when baseball has a problem it's more important to clean it up than the rest of the country? I can't figure that one out either.

>>Um...okay. Where do I start...baseball is a product, not a service, so that makes his policemen and firemen analogy moot. Baseball has antitrust exemption. Baseball is televised. Baseball is intricately woven into the fabric of the country, as a pasttime and as a product. Kids don't play "politics" when they are young, nor do they look up to politicians, nor are they influenced by their behavior in the same way. Also, the "drugs" in question for baseball are performance enhancing drugs. They are cheating drugs, not recreational drugs. If doctors, for example, were able to take illegal drugs that made them better doctors, and gave Americans an inflated view of their abilities, we would have to clean that up, too. Dibs: pay close attention: this is an apple. That is an orange.

I was driving into work today and heard this bleeding-heart writer on a radio show. He said, "If I ever have children, and maybe one is a boy, and 20 years from now, if we are at a ballgame, and someone hits a pitch out of the ballpark and he asks me who hit the most home runs ever? Well, if it's a steroid user, or a rumored user, how will I explain to him what has happened to our game? The cheaters have taken that away from us."

Are you freaking kidding me?

>>I'm guessing he wasn't. It's a little melodramatic, but I, for one, have had my love of Bonds, Palmeiro, Giambi, and others, dulled pretty significantly.

I almost crashed my truck.

>>Man. We were so close.

I am a father of two children and I do get asked way tougher questions everyday. Like "Dad, why is that man living on the street? Dad, why are all those men and woman dying in Iraq?"

>>Oh my God. Rob Dibble is lecturing me on homelessness and war. What concentric circle of hell is this?

I'm sorry I got political on you, but let's get serious.

>>This is amazing. "I'm sorry I got political on you, but let's get serious." Dibs just let his deep wellspring of emotions about homelessness and war overtake him...he is a slave to his heart, and his soul...he sometimes stares up at the sky and writes in his journal...he has a tattoo of Ichiro's name on his ass...he freaking *cares*.

Baseball is a game, it's not a social issue. I played it, I should know. AIDS, cancer, war ... these are social issues, and of far greater importance than Major League Baseball.

>>Okay. Okay. I'm literally shaking with anger. How do I explain this? No one -- not ever, once, anywhere -- has ever suggested that AIDS, cancer, and war are less serious issues than baseball. Everyone in the universe with half a brain knows that AIDS, cancer, and war are more important issues than baseball. That does not necessarily mean that congress should not try to do something about the drug problem in baseball. Congress can walk and chew gum at the same time. You could say, perhaps, that not nearly enough is being done to combat AIDS, or cancer, or war, and I would probably agree with you. But you are ascribing attributes to this congressional intervention that do not exist. And frankly, as a fan of baseball, and as someone who believes that baseball is -- despite being a game -- somewhat important to the fabric of this country, and seeing as baseball did absolutely nothing to police itself in these matters, and seeing as congress has given baseball an antitrust exemption, and seeing as baseball is a business that conductes itself nationwide, giving congress the right to regulate certain aspects of its business, I think it wholeheartedly appropriate that congress took a few days to whip this sport into shape.

Can we all just wake up, and stop crying about baseball and stop trying to fix the world through baseball? Enjoy the game, it's a distraction, it's entertainment. But I don't think it will cure cancer; I should know, my father died from cancer.

>>I honestly don't even know where to begin here. Rob Dibble is trying to guilt me into agreeing with him because his father died of cancer? That is horrific and disgusting. Not to mention the fact that it apparently hasn't occurred to him that some people enjoy the game less when they know that the players are cheating. Nobody is trying to "fix the world through baseball." "But I don't think it will cure cancer?!?!?!?" What the fuck is he talking about?

To me it's simple, let baseball clean up its own act or else. And let the government clean up the country.

>>Baseball adamantly refused to clean up its act. And as far as the "or else" goes -- or else what, you numbskull? Or else what?! What is the threat? Or else...it won't? The "or else" is: THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT WILL CLEAN IT UP FOR THEM.

I seriously think Rob Dibble is the worst writer I have ever read, on any subject.

Labels: rob dibble, steroids

...goes to Rob Dibble:

While other teams in the AL East sit and watch the transaction wire, the New York Yankees make moves and release dead weight in a New York minute.

Before we even get started, the Red Sox made three roster moves a few days ago, and the Orioles are about to get A.J. Burnett. So, nice start here, Rob.

Al Leiter is just the latest example. Whether it be getting rid of Steve Karsay, Mike Stanton or Paul Quantrill, or making a trade for Leiter, GM Brian Cashman will waste no time in changing the face of this $200 million team. Time is money, and wasting time is losing ground to the competition.

First, that is a brilliantly mixed metaphor, there, at the end. Good work. Second, so, just to be clear, you are praising Brian Cashman for releasing three guys who were GROSSLY overpaid by, um, Brian Cashman. And then you are praising Brian Cashman for scooping up Al Leiter off the scrap heap, which might not be a bad move, but which was made for the simple reason that the Yankees LITERALLY DID NOT HAVE ANYONE TO START on Sunday against the Red Sox. Way to keep the nonsense going, Dibs! Let's see what's next...

While the Orioles try to get A.J. Burnett, and the Red Sox trade for light-hitting Alex Cora and miss out on Bret Boone, Cashman picked up Leiter for a player to be named later and some cash.

Alex Cora is a utility infielder who plays good defense and costs nothing. Bret Boone has a .656 OPS (lower than Mark Bellhorn's sub-par .689) and costs four million dollars for the rest of the year. Bret Boone is also 36 years old. Bret Boone would have been a terrible pick-up -- or at least a terrible risk -- for any team.

This may not sound like much now, but it's little moves you make like Theo Epstein did last year that can win you a championship. No one knows that better then the Yankees. It was the Dave Roberts stolen base in Game 4 of The ALCS that broke the Yanks' back last year.

No it wasn't. That was the first of like four thousand subsequent events that broke the Yanks' back. How can the very first thing that went right for the Red Sox that entire series be the thing that "broke the Yanks' back?" Bill Mueller's single, Leskanic's four big outs, Ortiz's home run, Ortiz's single, ARod striking out with a runner on third and one out in a close game, Rivera's two blown saves, Gordon imploding, Schilling's 7 innings of one-run ball, Bellhorn's home run, ARod's swiping of Arroyo's arm, Foulke striking out Tony Clark with the tying runs on base in the ninth of Game Six, Derek Lowe's six innings in Game 7, Ortiz's home run after Damon was thrown out at the plate, Damon's Grand Slam, Damon's 2-run shot, and Bellhorn's solo job after Pedro had given up two runs, are all better examples of things that "broke the Yanks' back."

And it was Leiter who beat the Sox this past weekend to help the Bombers take three out of four in Boston.

This is factually correct. Nice job.

Getting Al Leiter could wind up being season-turning move for New York. You may ask, why Al Leiter? He's old and wasn't pitching worth a damn in Florida. But I say it's a great move.

Okay. Back that up.

Leiter started his career in New York when he was 21 back in 1987 and made 22 starts over two-plus seasons before going to Toronto. Then he pitched in New York with the Mets from 1998-2004, so he is well aware of the pressure and circumstance of being in a New York uniform.

You are failing to back that up. Does anyone think that "pressure" is really make or break for any of these people? Did Tim Redding shit the bed in New York because of the Pressure? Or because he isn't that good?

Plus, he's won world championships with Toronto and Florida and tried to get one with the Mets, so he's postseason ready for sure.

This is fantastic. Dibble is doing one of my favorite Joe Morgan-esque things, which is praising players for winning championships in the distant past. And, he is going one step further, which is praising Al Leiter for TRYING to get a championship. Is there any player in history who has not, at some point, tried to get a championship? "You know who should be in the Hall of Fame? Ron Roenicke. That guy tried to get so many championships."

What I also like about the 39-year-old (we played together in Florida in 1996 when I was hurt all year, my last in the big leagues) is that this is a shot in the arm, a chance at one last shot at glory, and there are few players I respect more then Al. He's always prepared, always attacking the hitter with every pitch, and one of the proudest players I've been around, so if he doesn't have his stuff some nights, you can bet he'll try and beat you with his heart.

Al Leiter's heart on the year: 2.90 ERA, 49 IP, 44 H, 18 BB, 31 K. His heart has been pretty good, I guess.

He's a tough son of a b---- and there's no better player to have around when you need someone to lead.

First, thank you for not swearing in print. Second, the Yankees need someone to lead? With Jeter, Posada, Williams, ARod, Sheffield, Rivera...they need a leader?

One last thing, along with Randy Johnson, Kevin Brown, and when Carl Pavano comes back, Leiter's addition will give the Yankees four pitchers in their rotation who have won championships. And I like those odds when the postseason starts.

Wow. Kevin Brown is valuable because he has won championships? How valuable was that last year, when he started Game Seven against Boston and didn't make it out of the second inning, you fucking moron? Randy Johnson is 42. Kevin Brown is 39 and has CHRONIC BACK TROUBLE. Carl Pavano, before getting injured, had given up MORE HITS THAN ANYONE IN BASEBALL. Al Leiter is 39 and terrible.

But don't worry. They've won championships. And in the Manure-Brain Universe Rob Dibble lives in, that means more than whether they are good.

Labels: rob dibble, yankees

Thanks, Junior, for bringing Dibs into the fold. It's about time. Here are some more gems:

Check out these two sentences:

Oh by the way, I couldn't care less if a guy cheated, that was his deal, when I was on you weren't hitting my stuff anyway. I know a lot of pitchers and hitters are cheating right now, but they are still lousy, so just let it go, if it was legal 100 years ago, why can't it be legal now?

What point(s) is/are you making? And as for the final two run-on clauses, nice job. That's an excellent rationale for slavery.

Ty Cobb used to sharpen his spikes, as much to spear his opponents as to get in their heads, and he's in the Hall of Fame.

...?...

Regarding Kenny Rogers:

Movie stars and rock stars and athletes are public figures, but when should we respect their privacy?

How about: when they are in their houses? Kenny was on the baseball field, which seems to be the kind of place where a baseball reporter or baseball cameraman is within his rights to be covering him.

Society is at the point right now where someone is going to get hurt.

Like that cameraman did?

We all want to know, who is Brad dating?

Angelina.

Who is Jennifer dating?

Don't know. Vince Vaughn?

Are we all so bored in our daily lives, that we need to have people hiding around every bend just to get a shot of our favorite movie star or athlete? Should they have the same rights as any private citizen?

They do. They are also movie stars and rock stars and athletes, which means that from time to time, people are going to photograph them.

Now in the case of Kenny Rogers, he is in a battle with his team for a contract extension. It's become ugly and has spilled over into the press. Should private matters such as this be made public? I ask you, would you want your private matters made public? I think not.

If I were a 40 year-old pitcher with a legendarily up-and-down career, and I was demanding $25 million over two years in the middle of a season, I don't think I'd have an argument that that should be kept a secret. This was not about his battle with mental illness, or his daughter's divorce, or something. It was about a contract that he demanded.

My problem with Kenny is that the people on the baseball field and in the locker room can have all the access they want.

That's your problem with Kenny?

They have a job to do, and as long as they keep it about baseball, you have to let them do their job.

Right. Which is why it's insane to attack a cameraman who is on the baseball field, where you are, when you are a baseball player.

Now, if they come to your house and want to take your picture when it doesn't have to do with baseball, or in the case with actors, I think there should be open season on those people.

Fair enough. But they won't, because I am not a professional baseball player. Also, the professional baseball player in question was on a baseball field, where it is pretty kosher for a baseball cameraman to shoot pictures of a baseball player.

This is such a stupid point. It's like saying, "Kenny Rogers was wrong, but put yourself in his position. Now take yourself out of his position, and imagine a totally different situation, in which his rights were being violated. NOW do you see his side of the story?"

I think too much freedom of the press is NOT a good thing.

Interesting. How do you feel about the totalitarian dictatorships under which such conditions flourish?

After all, shouldn't all citizens in this country have the right to privacy?

Absolutely. And professional baseball players who are wandering around on professional baseball fields before playing in professional baseball games should expect to be passively photographed by credentialed members of the baseball media.

And just for fun, here's a quote from an old column...

Watching the rash of injuries to pitchers, and they are becoming injuries to younger and younger pitchers, I'm starting to question the methods MLB teams are preparing these pitchers for their craft...When I was coming up through high school and the minor leagues, I built my arm strength through almost totally long-tossing and pitching in games. Now pitchers, and this is even happening at the high school and college levels, are supplementing good, old-fashioned hard work on a baseball field for getting arm strength through private trainers, gyms and even Yoga and Pilates. I think it's time to see how the old timers did it, so pitchers can complete games again, have fewer arm problems and have careers that span two decades instead of two seasons.

And here is a description of Dibble's career, from Baseballlibrary.com:

"One of the hardest-throwing pitchers in baseball, Dibble racked up phenomal strikeout totals and intimidated opposing batters with his explosive fastball, although his career was almost certainly cut short by the tremendous strain he placed on his arm...

"Dibble came into his own in the first half of 1989 as a set-up man for John Franco, although he injured his shoulder in a fight after hitting the Mets' Tim Teufel with a pitch...

"Dibble racked up 56 saves over the next two years, but soon fell victim to frequent arm problems. He lost his command of the strike zone during an injury-plagued 1993 (42 walks and eight home runs allowed in 41 2/3 innings) and saw his ERA more than double to 6.48. After missing all of 1994 following surgery on his rotator cuff, he struggled to regain his velocity and pitched poorly in brief stints with the White Sox and Brewers in 1995."

Length of Dibble's career: 7 years, and that's being generous, since he missed all of 1994 with, um, arm injuries.

What an unbelievable moron.

Labels: kenny rogers, rob dibble