FIRE JOE MORGAN: Every Time I Think I'm Out


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Monday, June 23, 2008


Every Time I Think I'm Out

Joe pulls me back in.

Joe Morgan: I see where the Mets fired Randolph, I guess that's the end of the soap opera. Let's see how the players respond.

"I see where the Mets fired Randolph?" just read about it, right this second?

Brian (San Francisco, CA):
The Angels are 14 games over .500 but they have scored just one more run than they have allowed this season. Do you think they are the most lucky, overrated team in the league? Or are they just consistently clutch in close games?

Excellent JoeBaiting. You're at the top of the JoeBaiting game. I am just lucky to watch these guys JoeBait.

Joe Morgan: I think last year the D-Backs had a same situation and they won their division. Their pitching is good and once they get the lead they keep it. I don't think their lucky. [...]

First of all, [sic] on "their," and also (shame on you). I don't demand that everyone be a member of the Militant Grammarians of Massachusetts, but can we all as a nation work a little harder to get fucking "they're/their/there" right? It's not hard, people. Do it for the children.

Second of all: here's the thing, though, man -- they are lucky. By definition, they are lucky. We're like halfway through the year, about, so if they have a dead even RS/RA and are 14 games over .500, they are probably getting pretty lucky. Yes, yes -- not the biggest sample size, and the team has good pitching, but 14 games over your pyth* at this point? That's luck, to some degree, and it will probably even out a little going forward.

Matt Stuart, FL:
What was your most memorable game and hit

Joe Morgan:
I played in a lot of great situations so it's hard to answer. But the game winning hit in the 1975 World Series and my first ever major league hit stands out.

Those two things stands out for you? Those two moments are the ones that stands out?

I'm ornery. I think it was watching Spain and Italy flop around all night while the far-more-fun Dutch were drinking Grolsch Oud Bruin on their plane back to Amsterdam and the English team stubbornly continued to not have qualified.

JB (Wash DC):
What is your opinion on replay? I am okay with HR calls if handled in a timely manner, but am worried that this could lead to foul line calls or tag plays at the plate some day, and wouldn't that really be a shame for the game?!

Joe Morgan:
They are assuming that the only game changing play in the HR. [...]

[sic] again, and also, no theeyir not. Threiyr trying to comfort old angry traditionalists like you by easing the system into play gradually, the way you keep a goldfish inside the plastic bag and drop the whole bag into his new bowl so that the water temperatures can slowly merge. Because God forbid we should have a simple, quick, easy-to-use technology that could prevent the vicissitudes of well-intentioned human observation from creating horrifying sporting injustices.

Ten Kremen (Dous, Neb.): Hey Joe!

Flattering. Also: the worst fake name in history. Truly, wonderfully awful. I applaud you. I would have gone with "Neutered Monks." "Drunken Emotes" and "Undermost Knee" aren't bad.

Love your analysis on Sunday Nights. I was just wondering how much you think Gary Sheffield's expected return will help the Tigers.

Man. You're just running right at it, JoeBait-wise, aren't you, there, Ten.

Joe Morgan:
The Tigers are starting to play well, but I believe that Sheffield's presence on the field will upliftthe team.


Dan (Long Island, NY):
Hey Joe, obviously the big headline is Willie Randolph being fired. Why have the Mets handled this whole situation poorly? They waited way too long to pull the trigger and when they finally follow through with this, they make the decision at 3:14 AM? Shed some light on this for us.

Joe Morgan:
I gree that they didn't handle the situation well. I don't understand their thinking and to do it after a win, I just don't get it.

I gree, too, man. Weird. Although, perhaps I'm crazy, but maybe they weren't thinking that they would fire him based on that night's game's outcome. Maybe -- and I could be wrong -- they had made up their mind already, based on his entire run as manager, and the outcome of that particular game was irrelevant.

The Mets' owners are doofuses, and the 3 AM press release was bizarre, but let's just all take a step back and remember the 7 game lead with 17 to play, as well as the $780m payroll and the .500 record.

Andrew from Bloomington, IL:
Yo, Joe: how do you think the starting pitching woes of the Reds affects the team's consistency? Is their pitching too young to be consistent enough to maintain any sustained success?

Consistent JoeBaiting from Andrew. Is there anyone in these chats who unironically wants an answer from Joe Morgan?

Joe Morgan:
They have some young pitchers that have pitched well. If they can add Homer to the list of pitchers who can step up, then they will be good, The Reds have a shot at being a good team.

If you asked Joe if the man's name is Homer Bailey or Bailey Homer...he would have a 50/50 chance of guessing correctly.

brian (Normal IL):
Ryan Howard has had many highs and lows. What can he do to improve his consistency?

Seriously. Anyone? Anyone at all actually want an answer from this man?

Joe Morgan:
That has to come from Ryan Howard. He has to figure out why he has been so inconsistent. He has to stay away from over swinging and swinging and bad pitches. They may not be the only answer. He has to figure it out for himself, it's not something that somebody can tell you.

Ryan Howard has a miserable April, an awesome May, and is having an "eh" June. He also has 19 HR. I'll take my chances, if I'm the Phillies, that he consistently consistenifies himself consistently over the next few consistences (months). He's 28 and has a .972 career OPS. He's awesome. Everything is going to be fine.

Michael (MA):
Joe, it sure seems like they are fewer great players than there were not too long ago, but do you agree that there aren't any consistently great teams like there were when you played?

This is insane. There is not one person in this chat who just wants to ask Joe a question. Why do these even exist?

Joe Morgan:
Let's not talk about when I played.

KT: [has disbelief-induced heart attack]

I thought the Red Sox could be a great team this year, but they haven't played great on the road. To be great, you have to win at home as well as at home. Boston is the only team that I can see being a great team once they start winning on the road.

...Why can't you see the Cubs being great, if you're allowed to imagine what it will be like when [Team X] "starts winning on the road?" The Cubs are 20 games over .500 and are plus-112 in runs scored. So, even though thzeyir 16-20 on the road...if they started winning on the road...they'd be "great," no?

Corey (Philadelphia, PA):
Joe: Who is the one player in the game today that you would say is most comparable to how you played the game?

Joe Morgan:
That's hard. It was a different game when I played, so I can't really come up with one person. But their are a lot of really good second basemen playing the game at this time.

[sic] again, obviously, on "their," but also: what is going on here, I wonder? Is he just too self-aggrandizing to name one person who is even remotely close to in his league? Can he not pull Chase Utley's name (or Uggla's, or Cano's [!]) out of his hat? Can't he just name his favorite player? Beltran? Sheffeld? Hanley Ramirez? Dustin Pedroia? Joe Sambito? Anyone?

For like three years now I've been needlessly and fruitlessly pointing out how often Joe Morgan just flat refuses to answer a question posed to him through an on-line question-and-answer forum that he at some point in his life clearly agreed to participate in and yet seems to resist with every fiber of his being. Now he is literally asked, "Which player is most like you?" and he doesn't even give a name.

These chats are officially pointless, in the most hard-core existentialist way.

chad rochester ny :
joe, do u think the yanks can pull it out and make the playoffs without wang, and if so who do u think will step up

Joe Morgan:
Before Wong got hurt,


The guy's name was spelled correctly in the line right above where you typed that.

Also, you don't just know his name? You're a premiere baseball analyst and you have broadcast 20000 Yankees games and he's the best pitcher on their team, and you don't know how to spell his 4-letter last name?



Okay. Keep going.

I did believe that they Yanks could make the playoffs. Without him, I don't know if the Yanks can win the AL East. I don't know who can step up, because if they haven't done it already, I don't know if they ever will.

Andy Pettitte has thrown like 17 consecutive scoreless innings. Mussina is winning games like it's 1995. Someone named Dan Giese, which is uncomfortably close to Don Geiss, just won the other day. Seems like dudes are stepping up, you drama queen.

Bryan (bloomington IL):
Joe congrats on the doctorate. You have been role model of consistency for years. Who do you like to come out of the NL?

Not. One. Sincere. Chatter.

Joe Morgan:
Thank you. I think the Cubs are the best team in the NL. [...]

What told you that? Their best-in-baseball record? Or their best-in-baseball run differential? Or, like, women's intuition?

Julio (Santo Domingo, DR):
Hi Joe. What´s your take about Chipper Jones chase to .400? It seem pretty remarkable, after all the injuries that he has had and doing it past his prime.

We literally have to leave the country to find a person who sincerely wants to chat with this man.

Joe Morgan:
I think it's great. Being a switch hitter gives him an edge. I think he's doing this late because he's a smarter hitter. As you get older you learn more and he has learned more about his swing and it has made him a better hitter.

Or: it's a little bit of a statistical fluke for a great hitter after a half-season of a .400 BABIP.

But, no, you're right, it's probably that he's old. That makes CrazySense™.

Joe (NYC):
Hi Joe, What do you think will happen with CC? Do you think Cash will pull the trigger (and at what cost) after passing on Johan?

Joe Morgan:
He starting to pitch well but I think he will test the free agent market. The Yanks are looking for a starter and I think that would be a good fit for him. I don't think he will stay with the Tribe.

Anyone want to point out that the question is about a mid-season deal, and not an off-season signing? No? We should just limp to the finish line and not question why anyone in the world continues with the charade that these chats are informative or helpful in any way? Cool with me.

Matt (FL):
What is your take on the Rays/Cubs series? In my opinion the pitching matchups look extremely slanted with the Rays have a big edge in game 1 and 3 with the Cubs having the edge in game 2.

Bet now on whether Joe makes any kind of specific reference to the Cubs-Rays series. Keep in mind, when you bet, that if you say "Yes, he will make specific reference to some aspect of the Cubs-Rays series" that you are betting on the idea that (a) he knew they were playing and (b) looked at a computer or something to get information on the series and (c) remembered the information and (d) knew who the Rays are and (e) knows what baseball is.

Odds on Joe making specific reference to any aspect of the Cubs-Rays series: 1 in 2.8 sesquicentillion.

Place your bets.

Betting is about to close.

Betting is closed.

Joe Morgan:
I think it will be a great series for the Rays to see where they are. They will be able to gage themselves by playing the best team in the NL.

Everyone, somehow, is a loser.

JBloom (Plevna, Kansas):
Joe, My brother Leo and I have agreed to let you settle our argument! He thinks if the Reds are going to play for next year they should trade Griffey. But I say they should trade Dunn! He strikeout too much, chokes the bases and Griffey would be a good influence teaching the young guys like Bruce how to grind out a game. But what do you think?

Nearly 100% JoeBaiter turnout. Good work, everyone.

Joe Morgan:
How about both? (laughing)

Okay. Hang on.

This freaks my bean a little.

Who typed that? Who typed that he is laughing? Do interns actually do these chats? Who's at the keyboard?


I'm not naive. I always considered the possibility that Joe doesn't actually type these chats. It's just that the goofiness of the answers and the carelessness of the word processing seemed so sympatico. This is just odd.

Anyway. If there has been some Frempish figure hacking away all these years -- and distorting your words, Joe -- I apologize for this whole site. If there's someone typing and not distorting your words, I apologize for only the parts where I make fun of your typing. And if you are typing and you wrote: (laughing) as you started laughing at your own joke, I apologize for nothing, and you should seek counseling.

That's a hard argument to settle. The question is if Griffey is in a slump or if he in on the decline. With Dunn, what you see is what you get with him. Does he do enough to help the team win a championship?

I'm going to go ahead and suggest that Griffey, who is 38, is "in decline" instead of "slumping." Now, he had an .868 OPS last year, so even in decline he will probably be pretty good for a while. But Adam Dunn is 28 and has hit 40+ HR four years in a row. Is that "enough" for you, Joe? Is it? Answer me, damnit!!!! (sobs)

Joe Morgan:
Thanks for hte chat. Looking forward to doing the Cub/White Sox, the inner city battle and who knows what Ozzie Guillen will say between now and then.


Labels: , , , ,

posted by Anonymous  # 1:17 AM
As many of you have pointed out, being 14 games over .500 means the Halos are +7 on their Pyth, not +14.

I am, as always, a dummy.
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