FIRE JOE MORGAN

Or JoeChat? You decide. (This is last week's -- I'm a week behind. Sorry.)

Jim (Chicago): Do you think the Dodgers' Matt Kemp is the "next Dave Winfield" like scouts have been saying? He may not get as much press as some of the other young hitters in the game but I think he may in fact be the best offensive prospect in baseball. Your thoughts?

Joe Morgan: He's got a lot of ability. If he continues to improve, that's the key. How far he'll go depends on how hard he works and how much he improves.

KT: I'm excited. I'm optimistic. "How far he'll go depends on how much he improves" is exactly the kind of trademark tautological drivel I've come to expect from Mr. Morgan. Let's see if it continues.

Brick (Brooklyn): Predictions on how the AL east will turn out this summer? Are the Yankees a third place team?

Joe Morgan: I felt Boston was the best team at the beginning of the season, and have done well despite some rough stretches. Toronto has good pitching, but they do not have the offense that Boston has. The Yankees, you can never discount them because they are the Yankees. I do think the Yankees may have overestimated their contributions from Hughes and Kennedy.

In the "Is this Fremp or Morgan?" debate, this is a push. It contains a little too much direct-answer-to-the-question to be purely Joe, but there's no actual prediction made, which reeks of Joe. I'm lost now.

Kevin (Memphis): Hey Joe. Thanks for taking my question. Can the Cardinals sustain their success, or will Pujols alone not be enough to carry them to the playoffs?

Joe Morgan: When you have an Albert Pujols, he will make everyone around him better. If you get off to a good start when you were supposed to be a bad team, it builds a lot of confidence. The Cubs look like the best team in that division, but they are not the best team. They can win the division, I think, but the Cubs have to be favored.

Wait a second...Pujols..."confidence"...insane contradiction within a single sentence...nonsensical conclusion...?

Holy crap you guys. Joe's back!

Ryan (NYC, NY): Do you think the Tigers can put their start behind them and have a "successful" season? Joe Morgan: I think they can definitely put the poor start behind them. Inconsistency is their problem right now.

Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe!

Even though he's lost a few games, they have to feel good that Verlander is looking good now, but I heard Willis had a setback in his recovery.

Uh oh. Too many specific facts and actual news. Fremp?

I do believe they will have a successful season. Everyone is bunched up there in that division. It's a long season and Detroit will definitely have a chance.

... I'm lost again.

Derek (St. Louis): Hi Joe. I watched the piece you did with Pujols Sunday night. When talking to today's hitters about their approach to the game, what similarities/differences do you find when compared to when you were playing?

Joe Morgan: Pujols is more similar in his approach and the way he talks about the game. The difference is the parks being smaller, the ball is livelier, and the pitching is not as consistent.

You know what's never talked about? In all of the "it was tougher in our day" griping you hear, it never gets mentioned that in the old days starters not only threw their arms off with like 500+ innings a year, but also: no split-finger FB. That pitch wasn't around when Joe played (or, it was when Bruce Sutter started throwing it, but let's say it wasn't around like pre-1976 or something). That's a huge weapon for pitchers, and it didn't exist. People should talk about that more, on their metacritical sports blogs and such.

There are more guys trying to elevate the ball, and more guys trying to dive into the plate as opposed to staying straight away. The approach that we had is not better than the approach today's players have. Some of the parks were bigger, and some were gigantic like the Astrodome. Albert Pujols' approach is simply attacking the ball and doing what he does best. He knows exactly what he's doing every time he steps in the batter's box.

I fell asleep like four separate times during this answer. Can someone just tell me whether it was Joe or Fremp?

Steven (Phx, AZ): How will Scott Kazmir do the rest of this year?

Joe Morgan: It depends on whether he feels like he's healthy.

Not whether he's actually healthy, mind you. Whether he feels like he's healthy.

If you don't feel like you're healthy, he may hold back at times. The first thing to answer is whether he feels 100 percent. That will be the tell-tale sign.

I don't know...that doesn't seem like the best way to figure out if he's going to pitch well...

He'll pitch well if he's actually healthy.

There it is.

Rory(Sacramento): How long until Robinson Cano breaks this slump? I know he will, but it's killing me waiting around for it.

Joe Morgan: I am shocked he's been in it this long, because he's such a fine hitter. Two years ago he came close to winning a batting championship. I'm shocked it's taken this long. But when he comes out, I think he'll hit well--just not up to .340.

I'm only leaving this in because I want to make a prediction: when Gary Sheffield retires, RoCa will be the hitter Joe talks about the most. Every single time his name gets brought up, Joe talks about how he, Joe, predicted that someday he, Cano, would win a batting title, and then he, Cano, almost did. This is the kind of happenstantial fact that can keep Joe talking about a player for 30 years.

"RoCa" is in honor of when the YES guys tried to get people to call Soriano "AlSo," and nobody bit.

Zach Rastall (Marinette, WI): Hi Joe you're awesome. What should the Brew Crew do about there horredous relief pitching?

Joe Morgan: There's not much they can do. They invested a lot of money in Eric Gagne, and if he doesn't work his way out of his problems, it will be a disaster. It hough they should have re-signed Cordero, but they lost him to Cincinnati. They'll have to live with that decision. Very few general managers will admit their mistakes. Gagne can turn it around, but who knows?

Here's the thing, man:

No, actually, here's the things:

They didn't invest a lot of money in Gagne, relatively speaking. It's one year, $10m. Now that's obviously not cheap, especially for an homme who suces as mal as he does, but they can cut him if they want to and next year, it's back to the drawing board (in a good way). Frankie Cordero, on the other hand, got $46m for four years from the dumbass Reds. He is 33 years old as of last Sunday, and he has walked 11 guys in 15 IP this year. The Reds are going to be paying this guy $10.5m when he is 36 and on the shelf with his eleventh TJ surgery. (Yeah -- eleventh. A lot happens to Cordero in the next few years.) And you think the Brewers should have signed him? And you think they're having a hard time living with the decision not to?

Gagne stinks, and he's not their closer anymore. They took a risk on a short-term contract and it didn't pay off. At least it's not a hamstringingly bad 4 year deal for a mediocre 33 year-old.

Logan (Reno, Nevada): I am heading back home to Houston for the summer...I know the astros are light on starting pitching, but if their offense keeps them around 500 do you think they might make a move for a decent SP? I would sure like to see a contender at minute maid this summer.

Joe Morgan: That's always a possibility. Make no mistake, people seem to underestimate the impact of Miguel Tejada.

Fremp is out. I'm calling it. This is all Joe. Q.: The Astros are light on starting pitching. If their offense keeps them at .500, do you think they will make a move for a starting pitcher? A.: Maybe. People underestimate Miguel Tejada.

They had a group of laid-back and quiet players, but Tejada is an energy guy, who helps them from that standpoint.

You know how else he helps them, fonebone? By hitting .340/.375/.532. (Though he's only walked 8 times in like 135 AB, so expect those numbers to go down, and soon...)

They have pitchers who are capable of winning, but add another pitcher or two and they have a much better shot.

Oh, Joe. I've missed you, buddy. Can you name one Astros starting pitcher? No. No, I don't think you can.

Charlotte: Joe: You were such a great hitter. What would you do to help Andruw Jones get back on track. He's just lost up there. And I can't believe he's really this bad.

Joe Morgan: I can't either. I can't believe he's having the problems he's having. I have not seen him play this year, as we haven't done a Dodgers' game and he's never int the highlights, so I couldn't give him any specific advice, but I am shocked at how long this slump has extended.

I am officially a broken record, but: Joe Morgan, the #1 analyst on the #1 baseball network in America -- multiple-time Emmy Award Winner -- has not seen a fucking DODGER GAME this year? Not one Dodger game?

I have a full-time job, and a decently complicated life, and a young child. There is not a single team in the majors I haven't watched play this year. I have watched at least one game of every major league team. You know why? I like baseball. Like checking out a Reds-Cubs game on a sleepy Saturday in late April. Like flipping over to a Giants game and imagine what it must be like to be Brian Sabean watching Barry Zito serving 80 MPH cheese to the NL. I like baseball, so I watch baseball. I just...I don't know how saying things like this doesn't get you fired. I really don't.

Brian (Philly): I know Chase Utley is getting all the MVP love in Philly, but what about Pat Burrell? The guy is tearing it up at the plate!

Joe Morgan: It's great to see him get some love somewhere, because everybody's been down on him. He could be a kind of a late bloomer. [...]

Pat Burrell, 2002 (age 25, 3rd year in the majors): .282/.376/.544. 37 HR, 116 RBI.

Mark (Bangor, PA): Hey Joe, have you picked out anything mechically wrong with Hafner's swing or has he lost his eye or bat speed?

Joe Morgan: I've only done the one Indians game early in the year, where it was cold and not conducive to hitting. [...]

And since I only watch games I am actually announcing, and thus only see one game a week, everyone with a specific question about a specific player that happens not to play for one of the eight teams I have covered so far can go fuck themselves.

Sincerely,

the #1 Booth Analyst on the #1 Most Important Weekly Baseball Broadcast on the WorldWide Leader in Sports,

Joe Morgan

Joe Morgan: I think that it'll be a very interesting summer, because there are teams in the race that we didn't expect to be playing well. Teams like the Diamondbacks have shown what they are made of.

That's it. That's how it ends.

Oh well. At least he's back. Fremp, we hardly knew ye.

Labels: bill fremp, joe morgan, joechat

An interesting twist in the ongoing saga of imaginary ESPN intern Bill Fremp. This week's JoeChat is significantly more Joe-like than last week's. Is Joe actually back at the keyboard? Or is Fremp adapting...changing...learning?

Let's take what I like to call a "look-see" (®©™ Fremulon, LLC, all rights reserved; the term "look-see" may not be used without written permission of Fremulon, LLC or its partners) and reserve our conclusions for the end...

JW (NH): Joe - man what a waste of $126M! Can Zito find his curveball working in the bullpen or is it harder to get consistent when you don't go every fifth day? Joe Morgan: Well every fifth day will not make you consistent.

Let me just pause here to say that one of the ways that we knew (and by "knew," I mean "wildly claimed") it wasn't Joe last week was: there was nary a "consistent" to be found. Count how many there are this week.

But the Giants do have to be worried about their investment. But many people saw this coming. (...)

Lot's of "but"s this week, already, too. Is this really Joe? Or an increasingly clever imposter?

Mike (Clearwater, FL): Hi Joe - Are the Rays for real? Can they really manage to stay near the top of the standings?

Joe Morgan: To say they can do it for the whole year is a bit hard to tell right now. So far they are doing eveyrthing right. But I feel like that ballpark will hurt them in the end, becasue it is so hard to be consistent there, where teams think they can score runs. You need a big home field advantage, and I do not think they have it. A lot of the fans, when they play the Yankees, for example, are New York fans. I think the mixture of fans there does not give them much of a home field advantage, which they need. But they do have talent and are playing very well together right now.

But...but...consistent...Yankees...nonsense. This smells like Joe. And yet, I can't quite bring myself to believe...

SprungOnSports (Long Island): You saw the Tigers and Angels last Sunday, what's your take on those two AL clubs who have not been playing to their potential as of late?

Joe Morgan: The Angels are playing up to their potential when you consider they have had injuries to their top two starting pitchers. The Tigers are just incosistent.

This is Fremp. I promise you. He's gotten better at his craft, but another "consistent," and a typo to boot? Gilding the lilly. Too perfect. Like the too-perfect English that Axis spies spoke when impersonating British businessmen.

They scored a lot of runs last week and are not scoring this week. The week before I saw them, they were on a hot streak. But it's easy to look good against Texas before you play the Angels. But I do think Detroit will play better as the season continues. And I thought Verlander played better and used his three pitches well. Again, as I have said before, it comes down to how Sheffield plays. He is their run producer and the difference maker. When he hits well, they'll do well.

More "but"s, and a Sheffield reference. I'm sorry. This is too stupid even for Joe. Not even Joe would call Gary Sheffield (.159/.321/.254) the "run producer" or "difference maker" on a team with Cabrera, Guillen, Ordonez, and Granderson. This is not Joe. This is the Wyatt Gwyon of Joe Morgan impersonators.

Kevin (STL): The Mets offense is not very consistent

Well done, Kevin.

right now....How much of that is due to Reyes struggles?

Joe Morgan: For some reason everyone wants to blame Reyes for everything that happens with the Mets. He is not even one of the top payed players on the team, and yet everything gets blamed on him, including last year's collapse.

...Well, he did hit .205/.279/.333 in September, unlike his buddy David Wright, who got blamed for the collapse way more (to the tune of: he lost the MVP because of it) despite the fact that Wright hit .352/.432/.602 with 6 HR in September. And I'm not sure what his salary has to do with anything, when you're just talking about on-field performance. This is such a weird response, I want to believe Fremp just took a break here and the real Joe sidled up to the keyboard for a moment...

They have Delgado, Beltran and Wright also playing for them. Now it does not help them that he has not been playing well at the top of the order. But there are other guys on this team besides Reyes, and the Mets need their veterans to step up.

Delgado may be done, but Beltran isn't playing that badly, and Wright has a .980 OPS this year. They do need Reyes to play way better. I think we can all agree on that. Can't we....Fremp?!

Dave (Chicago): Do you think Sheffield can make it back from his shoulder problems or is this the end of the line?

Joe Morgan: That is a big question with a veteran player. I had this conversation about Frank Thomas last year, when he got off to a slow start, but look what he ended up doing last year. When you are a young guy and this happens, you're in a slump, but when you are a vet it becomes an "end of the line" issue, and that's just the nature of the game. But Gary told me he is getting closer. We'll just have to see.

When did Gary Sheffield talk to Bill Fremp? I would've loved to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation.

Tom (NY): Despite all the problems in Yankee-land, we are only 1 game out of first...surprised?

Joe Morgan: No I am not surprised; Boston has struggled of late and have kept the Yankees in it. You need to have Kennedy and Hughes win some game for you though. But looking at their potential they are capable of doing that. But I am not too surprised.

Now this...this seems like Joe. Rambling, semi-coherent sentence fragments. A completely inappropriate semi-colon after the first sentence. Ends exactly the same as it begins, rendering the middle meaningless. I'm going to be optimistic and say that right before this answer, Joe decided he'd had enough of Bill Fremp (Edgewood, KY) and fired him. Got back in the saddle. Pulled a Pat Riley and took day-to-day control of the team. Time will tell.

Joe Morgan: That's all the time I have! Talk to you next week!

Looking forward to it. (ominously) Whoever you are.

Labels: bill fremp, gary sheffield, joe morgan, joechat, wyatt gwyon

This morning on my way to work, I was listening to the Mike Tirico radio show. Joe Morgan was spouting his usual nonsense about how the Yankees are a "confusing team," and how he's not sure how they're going to win games.

Then some crazy shit happened.

"They're not -- and I won't say manufacturing -- but producing runs."

I nearly drove my imaginary car through the walls of my mother's basement!

He won't say "manufacturing?" He won't say "manufacturing runs?"

Until this morning, "manufacturing" was one of Joe Morgan's favorite things to say. His favorite soccer team was Manchester United, just so he could get half a boner by saying "Man U" repeatedly. If Joe Morgan were an eskimo, et cetera et cetera.

"I won't say manufacturing." It's troubling, really. Has someone talked some sense into him? Has someone talked some different nonsense in to him? Is Bill Fremp doing a perfect Joe Morgan impression in audio-only interviews?

Aaand, this just in: Joe Morgan is in fact an eskimo!

Labels: bill fremp, joe morgan, manufacturing runs, mother's basement

I have invented a name for the ESPN intern whose job it is to type in/clean up/invent Joe's answers to these chats. It's Bill Fremp. He's 22, he went to Conn College, but he's originally from Edgewood KY and is a diehard Reds fan, which is why he's covering for Joe by judiciously editing Joe's comments and stream-of-(lack of)-consciousness ramblings, and entering semi-coherent versions of same into the record. Let's see how Bill does today.

Joe Morgan: I may be the only one that feels this way, but I still believe the weather has had an adverse affect on some of th ebest hitters in the game.

Nicely-placed typo, Bill. You can't fool me. Joe's not typing this.

In places like Detroit and Boston, hitters are struggling. But you have to give credit to the guys who have persevered and fought through the cold weather. But as it warms up, there will be more offense coming from some of the best hitters in the game.

You've studied old chats, haven't you, Billy m'boy? You remember that sometimes Joe says "but" at the beginning of every sentence. You're good, I'll give you that. You're very good.

Randy(Knoxville,TN): Good morning Joe!! My question for you is about Alfonso Soriano...what are your thoughts on him as the lead-off man for the Cub offense? While he can provide instant offense with the long ball, he also strikes out a bunch and doesnt draw many walks. Last year he struck out 99 more times than he drew a walk(130 K's vs 31 BB). I love him as a hitter, but not at the top. What do you think?Thanks, Joe.

Joe Morgan: I have never felt like he should be a leadoff hitter, but both Torre and Piniella used him there because he felt more comfortable. But if I'm paying a guy millions of dollars, I'm going to hit him where he can serve the team the best. His on-base percentage is not where a good leadoff hitter's should be at.

Oh, Billy. Billy Billy Billy. You've already screwed up. The real Joe would have talked about how Soriano can steal bases and make things happen. The real Joe would never admit that there is such a thing as "on-base percentage," because the real Joe thinks "on-base percentage" is a made-up stat relating to Quidditch matches. The real Joe could not recall off-hand two teams Soriano has played for, much less their managers. This is far too good an answer. Ease off.

John (Toledo, OH): The Royals got back to back complete games from Bannister and Greinke, if they keep pitching well, are the Royals a .500 team? Are things finally turning around?

Joe Morgan: Things are turning around. They are getting better players there, and therefore they will play better. .500 is definitely a possibility for the Royals this year.

Dude. The first two sentences are reasonable facsimiles of what I'm sure Joe said. But. I know you want to make Joe look good, because your Pa told you lots of great stories of watching him hit when he, your Pa, was growing up in Edgewood KY and he'd skip school to go to Reds' games and watch Joe hit. But when you read Joe this question, and he said:

"Well I haven't really seen the Royals play enough to know. But they have been bad for a long time and maybe now they'll be good. It will all start with their pitching. You can't win without pitching. But there aren't any great teams out there, so maybe they have a chance. But I haven't seen them play enough to know if they can win on a consistent basis."

you should've just typed that. Don't have him make an actual prediction that makes it seem in any way that he has any idea what kind of season the Royals will have.

I'm going to suggest you go ahead and let Joe answer the next one, to remind yourself of his characteristic tone and style.

Jeff (Columbus, OH): Joe, what effect do losses like the ones the Indians have suffered against the Angels and Red Sox have on the team? As a manager, can you keep sending a closer out there that no one (other than yourself apparently) has faith in without damaging the team? Thanks

Joe Morgan: Their pitching has not been up to par. Teams like the A's were expected to be last in the west, but they're overachieving right now. The Indians and Tigers are underachieving, so you have to keep things in perspective.

There we go. Doesn't answer the question, makes a weird comment about the A's overachieving (and "teams like the A's [being] expected to be last in the west," which = ???), then drags the Tigers into it, and never mentions the issue of Borowski at all. There's your template, Bill.

Michael (Orlando, Florida): Hey Joe I love listening to you call games. What do you think we can expect from the Atlanta Braves this year. Do you think that we just dont have enough starting pitching. We know we will score runs. I think they already have seven 1 run losses this season.

For this answer, I'm going to put this symbol:

!!!

when I think Joe actually said or typed something, and this symbol:

???

when I think it was Bill Fremp of Edgewood, KY. The symbols will follow the text in question.

Joe Morgan: I'm actually surprised at the Braves. (!!!) I thought they would sneak up on the Mets and Phillies, and they still may. (!!!) They are a team you have to contend with. (!!!) Their defense is a little suspect overall, (???) although I must say I love Yunel Escobar (????????) as a shortstop. Their starting pitching needs to be better, (!!!) as it puts pressure on a mediocre bullpen. (???) Starting pitching is still the key to a pitching staff, (!!!) because they get you deep into the games so you can set up your rotation (!!!) of relievers (!!!!!!!!) to your advantage. (!!!!!!!!!!) You need innings from your starting pitching. (!!!)

All in all, I guess Joe said most of that. But there's no way he knows that Yunel Escobar is their SS, or that he's good, or how to spell his name.

Joe (Toronto): Last week you said Hanley Ramirez was the most productive player in the league. He doesn't lead in any major statistical categories, so why do you think that?

This is what we in the business of baiting Joe Morgan call: JoeBaiting. It's a reference to the last JoeChat, wherein Bill Fremp totally gave away that someone else was helping Joe with these chats when he declared that H-Ram was the best offensive player in the NL last year, and insinuated (in so many words, if you read between the lines) that he was using something like VORP to make such a decision. Thus, my buddy Joe here is trying to dig a little, to maybe find out whether Joe indeed was shown a VORP chart or something. Let's see what happens. It's exciting, isn't it, America?

America: (in unison) No.

Joe Morgan: If you consider everything---power, speed, defense, batting average, on-base percentage, RBIs, runs scored--then he comes out on top.

So far, so bad, for VORPies like me. Seems like Joe is using "traditional" stats. But wait...

Look at it from that perspective. Plus, he plays the toughest position on the field.

Could this be a coded message from Bill Fremp, of Edgewood, KY? Obviously, VORP is somewhat dependent on a player's position, as it is easier to replace a LF's production than a SS's. I think there's a chance Bill is trying to send us a message, that he is out there, somewhere, typing away. I'm here, he's saying. I'm at the keyboard. I can't speak out loud. He'll hear me. Help me.

SprungOnSports (Long Island): With Randy Johnson putting out a good start, and Webb and Haren making a great 1-2 how much do you like the Diamondbacks right now?

Joe Morgan: I was already a big fan of the D-backs before Johnson's outing, but you have to wait to see how he bounces back from this outing. But Johnson will not win or lose the division for them--they won it last year without him, and their young players are getting better. I like them even if Johnson doesn't pitch well. They were outscored by their opponents last year--that will not happen again this year. Justin Upton looks like the next Albert Pujols.

Joe Morgan citing RS/RA? No way. Joe knowing who Justin Upton is, and comparing him to anyone but Gary Sheffield? Iffy.

Joe Morgan: Thanks for your questions, and I'll see you next week at 10:30!

Joe knowing when his next chat is, down to the minute? Forget it.

I'm on to you, Fremp.

Labels: bill fremp, joe morgan, joechat