FIRE JOE MORGAN

Or just read it in Phil Rogers's end-of-the-year wrap-up:

If I could have been a fly on the wall...

I would have been with Derek Jeter when he got word that the Yankees had reversed course and decided to recommit themselves to Alex Rodriguez after seemingly deciding to turn the page. There's a reason Rodriguez doesn't have a World Series ring. He wears on his teammates.

There's a reason this "point" keeps getting made. Journalists forget that in baseball, there is "pitching."

Labels: arod, phil rogers

Thanksgiving kind of prevented us from commenting too much on the Torii Hunter signing. I will do so now.

I think Torii Hunter is an excellent baseball player. Wonderful fielder. Super fun to watch. Remember that HR he robbed from Bonds in the ASG? Amazing. Fantastic. Great player.

But.

He's 32, people. 32. His body has taken a pounding from years of playing CF on cement. And thanks to the irreversible one-way-itude of Father Time's relentless arrow, he is not getting any younger. His career OBP of .327 is what the Welsh would call: "terrible." (If they followed baseball.) Before he blew through his 90th percentile PECOTA prediction this year, they had him as an 11-HR, 2.0 WARP player in 2011, at age 35. And this Angels contract will pay him $18m when he's 35. And 36.

It's a really iffy deal. It just is. The Angels have a lot of places they could have upgraded offensively, and they chose to do it very expensively at a position where they already have a very expensive (and kind of bad) player. Torii is better than Gary Matthews, to be sure, but not way better, and -- just to reiterate -- due to the fact that the temporal dimension moves in one direction only, and the corresponding fact that baseball is not played in a tank of cold cæsium with light-amplification lasers, he is not getting any younger.

Anyway. Let's see what Kurt Streeter of the L.A. Times thinks about the signing.

Granted, Hunter doesn't bring monster power to Anaheim. But with him in the line-up, other teams won't be able to dink their way around Vladimir Guerrero, who has been the straw that stirs the drink. If they try, they'll have to deal with Hunter, an RBI machine who hit 31 homers two years ago and 28 last year.

I wouldn't exactly call him an "RBI Machine." He's had more than 100 twice. He's slugged over .500 twice. He averages 93 RBI per 162 games. Now, granted, he had a bunch of low OBP-guys hitting in front of him, but still.

Of course, there's much more to Hunter than his bat. Here's a guy who fits right in with the Angels' philosophy: slash at opposing teams with swift-boat speed.

Swift-boat? Is this some weird anti-Kerry message left over from 2004?

Hunter will pilfer plenty of bases.

Last year he stole 18 of them! (Out of 27 tries.) The year before, though, he pilfered...twelve. Out of eighteen. In 2003, when he was a young swift-boating buck of 27, he stole...six. And was caught seven times. His career high is 23. What does "plenty" mean to you?

He'll hit line drives, and he'll scramble from first to third and rarely get caught.

So this is how he'll "fit in" with the Angels' philosophy. I say: he'll fit in most obviously with his .327 career OBP. The Angels don't get on base, traditionally, (though they were 3rd in the AL last year), and neither does Hunter. The ironic thing here, to me, is that they now have a glut of outfielders, and I've read rumors of them trading Reggie Willits. The one guy (besides Vlad) who really works counts or gets on base. (And don't tell me about Chone and his .393 OBP. Fluke. He didn't walk more than he usually does, and he had a .400 BABIP. Bet you anything he's back down to a ~.350 OBP next year.)

This part is fun:

Close your eyes and imagine this guy in your outfield. There is a reason Hunter is a seven-time Gold Glove winner. Picture Boston in town. Those Red Sox fans and their incessant "Let's go, Red Sox" are making you nuts. Suddenly, Manny Ramirez drives a ball deep into center field.

There it goes, another Manny home run.

Wait, what's that?

It's Torii Hunter flying high above the center-field wall, arm stretched, glove wide.

Home run stolen.

"Let's go, Red Sox"? Put a sock in it.

Two things:

There is about a .008% chance this will happen.

Also, Gary Matthews Jr., the man Torii Hunter is replacing, is most famous for the most spectacular CF-based HR-robbing anyone has ever seen. A HR-robbing that essentially got him $50m from these same Angels.

Then there's Hunter the person. In Minneapolis, fans are in mourning. They know they've just lost a guy who has gone flat out for them for nearly a decade -- on the field and in the community.

I buy this. He seems like a wonderful man. Who has a .327 career OBP.

Hunter is known as a mensch. And he's a spark plug. The Angels are a good group of guys who seem to get along, but their clubhouse feels a little calm. They need some crackle, someone to lighten the moment and generate some spirit to repeat their 2002 World Series run.

Hunter's personality is going to help.

Mensch, sparkplug, clubhouse, crackle, spirit, personality. This is one of my favorite paragraphs ever. And by the way, you know what they actually need to repeat their World Series win? Offense. Home runs. Baserunners. Torii Hunter will add some of these things in decent amounts. Miguel Cabrera, e.g., would add more of them for a longer time.

Don't be surprised if the Angels aren't finished with their off-season upgrades. One or two outfielders might be packaged in a trade for yet another hot bat.

Arte Moreno, be careful. Don't be tempted by Miguel Tejada. I don't like his downward trend.

I hear you, Kurt. Look at this guy's stats. I mean, he's 32, he doesn't walk much, he plays a high-stress position which makes him prone to break down...yikes. Stay away. Stick to Torii Hunter.

And please be leery of the Marlins' cherubic Miguel Cabrera. The guy has a sweet swing, but he's in danger of eating himself off the ball field and onto a fat farm. If you insist on signing him, put more weight incentives in his contract than a breakfast buffet has sausages.

You know, one story got written about how the guy is heavier than he used to be, and now everyone just says "Stay away -- he's fat!"

.320/.401/.565
.326 EqA
Consecutive seasons of above-150 OPS+: 3
Age in human years: 24

He can be as fat as he wants if he's going to do that for my team. The man is 24. He's not a great defensive 3B, but...he's 24. Twenty-four years young. Here is his baseball-reference.com "Most Similar By Age" breakdown:

21: Hank Aaron
22: Hank Aaron
23: Hank Aaron
24: Hank Aaron

Yeah. Stay away from that guy. Get the 32 year-old astroturf-riddled CF with the .327 OBP. And pay him $90m until he's 37. And enjoy your team's excellent performance next year, when you win like one more game than you did this year. (Or ten fewer, depending on your pitching.)

One more thing, Arte. Please don't forget that getting Hunter was only half smart. The other half was who you didn't get.

Alex Rodriguez, for example.

Amen, brother. Who the hell wants to lock up the best or second-best hitter in all of baseball? That would be insane. How would ARod protect Vlad in the line-up, what with all his post-season choking and therapy-going? Fuck that. Take Torii Hunter and his .327 OBP, and his 28 HR in a career/walk-year, and protect your line-up that way. You don't need ARod and his like 54 HR and .994 EqA and 108 walk-off HR and 3.456 SLG and runaway-wins in MVP voting. You need a moderately good hitter who never ever walks, and who missed more games in 2005 than ARod has this entire millennium, and whose career high in HR is a decent All-Star-Break total for ARod, and whose 37 year-old hitting totals are going to make you long for the days of this guy. Only Hunter's speed will be gone, too.

ARod? A-no-thanks, if you get my drift. I want to win baseball games, not "win baseball games."

As I wrote toward the end of last season, A-Rod is a marvelous player, but bringing him to Anaheim would have been a mistake. He would have hit home runs, but he also would have upset the dynamic of a carefully constructed team with his gigantic salary and ego.

No. No he would not have. He would have hit 50 HR and driven in 140 and had a .340 EqA and he and Vlad would have terrorized the AL West.

Besides, when has he ever won a championship?

Can you fucking believe this?

Other players cited in Kurt Streeter's article about how awesome Torii Hunter is who have never won a championship:

1. Torii Hunter

My suggestion back then was to go after Torii Hunter instead. I'm glad you did.

Good. So when he goes .271/.309/.418 with 11 HR in 2011, we'll know whom to blame.

Labels: arod, food metaphors, kurt streeter, miguel cabrera, miguel tejada, torii hunter

Have you ever noticed how often Joe uses the word "but" in his chats? A lot.

Get out your [sic]s, fire up the WTF?! machine and say your 2007 goodbyes, people.

Joe Morgan: We normally, it's not always the best team that wins the World Series, but the team that's playing the best at that time. But that clearly was not the case this year. Not only is Boston the best team, but it was also playing the best.

Ken Tremendous: WTF?

Mike (Boston): Hey Joe, which Red Sox team do you think was better 2004 or 2007?

Joe Morgan: Well, I think the '07 is better. When you go down each player, trying to pitch to them, this team is far more difficult to pitch to. Each and every player is a different type of hitter. That makes it more difficult for the pitcher to pitch to them. They all contribute something to the team. I think this team is much better.

2004 Red Sox: 98 wins, .832 team OPS (which I believe was an all-time record; or maybe it was just a record SLG)

2007 Red Sox: 96 wins, .806 team OPS

The 2007 team may have been better, but it wasn't because they were a better hitting team. Researching this took me 25 seconds.

Brad(NM): Good morning Joe. Do you believe the Yankees hired the right man for the job? Do you think they showed a lack of loyalty to Mattingly?

Joe Morgan: I don't know whether Girardi is the right guy or not, because I don't know much about him as a manager. I definitely thought Don Mattingly was going to get the job. I don't know if it was a lack of loyalty, because in their mind, Girardi was a Yankee too.

KT: Don't know, don't know, don't know. Well done. I like that "in their mind" Girardi was a Yankee. Not "in light of the fact that he played for the Yankees" Girardi is a Yankee.

Bill (Chicago): Who would you have given the MVP to? Mike Lowell was obviously deserving, but so was Papelbon, Ellsbury, Beckett, Pedroia etc.

Joe Morgan: Well, I voted for Mike Lowell. I had a vote. But I also said on my broadcast that they had several players who were MVPs. But I thought Lowell stood out more because he had more clutch hits. His hits had more meaning than the others' on a consistent basis. I thought Pedroia would have won if he had a better Game 4, but he didn't.

KT: Joe and "Consistent" -- Consistently Wonderful. (Three "but"s in this answer, too.) I think I would've given it to Lowell too, then Papelbon, then Ellsbury. Fun Fact: the Red Sox' team OPS for the World Series was .936!

Jim (NYC): Do you feel it will be tough for the Rockies to concetrate

KT: Thank you, Jim.

next year after the run they had? They weren't exactly consistent

And again.

this season...running hot and cold.

Joe Morgan: Well, if you're asking if I think they'll win the division next year, I say no. Your assessment is right on the mark. No one even noticed them going into the last month of the season. Then all of a sudden they got hot. They were under .500. But they got hot and won the wild card. But I do think they were hurt by the layoff. But even without the layoff, they were not nearly as good a team as Boston.

I'm no 2nd grade-level expository writing instructor, but I think that the last three sentences are poorly composed. But can you figure out what I mean? But I bet you can, but if you look hard. But what if you can't? But I bet you can.

Bill (PA): John Farrell is interviewing with the Pirates this week. How do you think he will fare as a manager? Is he the right man for the Bucos?

Joe Morgan: It's the same way I answered about Girardi. I do not know enough about him to say if he'll be a good manager or not. I really can't give an honest opinion there, because I don't know him well enough.

KT: Why should you? It's not like he's a high-profile assistant coach on the World Series champion. Nor is it like you're an A-team baseball analyst on the #1 baseball network, who just covered the World Series, which just featured the team he coaches for. Nothing to see here. Move along, people. Just keep walking. Move! I said move! Move dammit! (sprays tear gas on people gawking at Joe's ignorance of the sport he covers) See? Now look what I had to do. I didn't want to do that, but you refused to be reasonable. Now clean yourselves up.

Cc (Atlanta): Renteria to the Tigers... ever heard of the young guys the Braves got back? It's an obvious salary dump but his replcement, Yunel Escobar, is a rising star.

Joe Morgan: I'm a big fan of Renteria. He's one of the most underrated clutch hitters in the game. I'm a big fan of his. The Braves want to play Escobar. They think he can be a good shortstop. They can save money. That's what they're doing. But I'm a big Renteria fan. I think he'll help the Tigers. He'll make them a stronger lineup. I like the move for the Tigers.

KT: Apparently, Joe stepped out of the room for a moment, and retarded Raymond Carver took over the chat. Here is a poem I wrote using that previous paragraph's worth of sentences.

I'm a big fan of Renteria.
I think he'll help the Tigers.
I'm a big fan of his.
I like the move for the Tigers.

But I'm a big Renteria fan.
He's one of the most underrated clutch hitters in the game.
He'll make them a stronger lineup.
I'm a big fan of his.

The Braves want to play Escobar.
They think he can be a good shortstop.
They can save money.
That's what they're doing.

(I reused one sentence to make the stanzas even.)

Jimmy (Springer nm): Will the Yankees be in contention next year with Girardi or will it be a couple of years

Joe Morgan: Well, the problem in baseball is, even if you say you're going to rebuild and be back in a couple of years, there's no guarantee that they will be back.

Yes there is. It is called: unlimited resources. There is no "rebuilding." They are losing ARod and maybe Pettitte/Posada, but chances are they re-sign Rivera, and for all we know they're working on a deal for Santana and cannot extend him with the money they're saving elsewhere. They are in contention right now.

If they lose, Rivera, Posada, Pettitte, they won't be in the playoffs next year. They do have some young pitchers that they need to develop, but at the same time your veterans are getting older.

Players aging over time: a problem unique to the Yankees, apparently.

brett (philly): what can the phillies do to make the next step and be a true contender?

Joe Morgan: I think the Phillies are a true contender already. [...] The Reds, under Dusty Baker, are in a similar situation in that the ballpark plays so small, it's hard to have a good pitching staff. The Reds are going to have to outscore opponents.

Having to outscore opponents to win: a problem unique to the Reds, apparently.

Jeff (Iowa): What do you think of the Reds hiring Dusty Baker?

Joe Morgan: Well, Dusty is a proven winner.

"On-base percentage is great if you can score runs and do something with that on-base percentage," Baker said. "Clogging up the bases isn't that great to me."

He brings that status with him - just like Torre takes with him to the Dodgers, if he goes there. But I do think it's difficult to win in a ballpark that plays so small, unless you have the most talented players in the game. I think Dusty's a great manager

"On-base percentage is great if you can score runs and do something with that on-base percentage," Baker said. "Clogging up the bases isn't that great to me."

and he will do a good job there. The Reds will be a better team than last year.

Well, they were 72-90, and their ExWL was 74-88. It's entirely possible they'll be better next year without anything changing at all. However. If you're telling me that the Reds will be better because Dusty Baker is their manager, then I disrespectfully disagree.

Labels: arod, concetrate, dusty baker, joe morgan, joechat

ARod is the most "clutch" hitter in baseball. According to noted baseball sabermetric analysts the Pepsi Bottling Corporation.

The irony verily drips from my screen.

Thanks to Ben for the tip.

Labels: arod, awards, clutch, pepsi

Gorgeous. Wonderful. Goofy-riffic. Lupica.

The Yankees have about three weeks left to decide how much Alex Rodriguez is worth to them. This is what they should do: Let him go if he wants to go.

Sure. That's an option. Absolutely. No question, they could do this, and there is probably an argument in favor of doing it, if the Yankees wish to go in a different direction (that direction = "worse.")

ARod, 2007:

.355 EqA
54 HR
.314/.422/.645

Please replace that at third. Or even when spread out over a number of different positions. Especially when you are about to lose Posada's numbers (even if he stays, the dude has to act his age eventually, right?) and maybe Abreu's, and your best option at first is Shelley Duncan (please please please please keep Shelley Duncan at first. Please. I beg you. It will be so funny if you think Shelley Duncan can be an everyday first baseman. Please.)

By now you know the deal about his deal. The Yankees say that if Rodriguez exercises a contractual right to become a free agent within 10 days after the World Series ends, then they will tell him not to let the clubhouse door at Yankee Stadium hit him in the exact same place where he and the Yankees have ended up in October since he came to town.

The Yankees have ended up...in ARod's ass?

Because here is the question, not just for Yankee fans, but for any good sports fan of the city of New York: How much do YOU think A-Rod is worth?

Well, now, that's a good question. He is probably worth more to the Yankees and their new stadium than he is to anyone else, because they can pay any amount of money they want, and because he is the best hitter in baseball, and because of their other free agents. I would say he is probably worth $30m+ per year to the Yankees. How much do you think he's worth, Lupy?

At a time when A-Rod and his bagman, Scott Boras - who loves the sound of his own voice lately the way Mother Teresa loved the poor - want the Yankees or somebody else to invest more money in him per season than any ballplayer in history, how invested are YOU in A-Rod's future?

A lot, and I'm a Red Sox fan. Imagine the difference between a line-up with him and without him. Without him = Smiles Times for me.

Boras, the agent, is one of the great buttoned-down phonies of baseball in this way: Every time he has a big client looking for the biggest possible money, he talks about organizations and relationships and "dynamics." Boras is huge on dynamics. But everybody who knows his record and his client's record knows that the only dynamic here is the most money.

Scott Boras: hate the player, love the game. He's an agent for God's sake. What is he supposed to do? Give the other side a break? Compromise? What kind of agent would he be if he didn't try to maximize the amount of money his clients get paid? Answer: he would be a "bad" agent.

This is not about loyalty to the Yankees, or Yankee tradition - and doesn't have to be, by the way. Boras is a businessman and A-Rod is a businessman and they can shoot for the moon again, the way they did with the Texas Rangers seven years ago when he became a free agent the first time.

Correct. What point are you making?

Just don't suggest, even for a New York minute, that this has anything to do with who the next manager of the Yankees is. Rodriguez couldn't care less as long as he gets paid $30 million a year or $35 million a year or whatever he and Boras are looking for.

Refresher course: he gets $27m next year, of which the Yankees pay about $16m if he stays. Then he gets 32m in 2009 and '10. So, he's going to get that money. Either way. And I do think that a guy like ARod does care a little about the constitution of the franchise for which he plays. Doesn't everyone? A little?

This is about getting paid. Or A-Rod was just passing through here the way Hillary Clinton was.

Ha ha! Screw Hilary. She's a chick. What does a chick know about anything? Nothing, that's what. Carpetbagger. Just like ARod...who waived his no-trade to come to New York and changed positions and will have won two MVPs in four years and lifted up the entire team and heaved it into the playoffs pretty much all by himself when he was the only dude on the team hitting a lick in the first few months of the season. Carpetbagger!

Understand: If the Yankees allow him to break the Bank of Steinbrenner as a way of keeping him away from free agency, they are not just saying that he stays on as their third baseman and cleanup man and top run producer. It is so much more than that, both realistically and symbolically.

You cannot break the Bank of Steinbrenner. The Bank of Steinbrenner made a $10m investment a few years ago that is now worth well north of a billion dollars. The Bank of Steinbrenner is bottomless. It's like Scrooge McDuck's gold coin-filled pool.

Pay A-Rod this way and they are officially making him the centerpiece of their franchise and the face of their franchise for the next decade.

It won't be Derek Jeter, won't be the new manager and won't be Joba Chamberlain.

Derek Jeter is a mediocre defensive SS who's turning 34 next year and whose HR totals have dropped for four straight years. The next manager is going to fill out line-up cards and answer questions from dummies like you, but that's about it. Joba Chamberlain appears to be very very good, but he's either going to be converted to a starter (and he's had arm problems in the past) or he's going to throw about 50 innings next year. Alex Rodriguez should be the centerpiece of the franchise. Because he's the best hitter in baseball.

It will be A-Rod, who puts up huge numbers except at the time of year when the greatness of the New York Yankees has been grandly defined. Bucky Dent has a more impressive October résumé with one swing.

Bucky Dent, career, postseason:

23-83, two extra-base hits. .277/.310/.301. (.301 SLG!)

ARod, career, postseason:

41-147, 16 XBH (including 7 HR). .279/.361/.483. Even with several far-below-average series in a row now, the guy is so much better than Bucky Dent in the postseason it's like comparing apples to turds.

People say A-Rod's not the only one who let the Yankees down. He's not. But he's the guy routinely called the best player in the game, the one who's supposed to break the all-time home run record someday, the one who is obsessed, along with Boras, with breaking contract records.

The bar is supposed to be set higher for him.

This is fair. The bar should be set higher for him, and in that way, yes, he has been a disappointment. But he would not have been able to disappoint people if he weren't the best player in baseball, because if he weren't the best player in baseball, the Yankees wouldn't have gotten to the postseason. The Yankees won the WC by 6 games over Seattle. ARod was worth 13.7 wins to his team. If Casey Blake (a pretty good third baseman) and his 6.3 WARP were the Yankees' third baseman, the Mariners take the WC. Same with the 1999 or 2000 version of Scott Brosius.

We keep hearing how "random" the playoffs are. Hear it about the outgoing manager especially. Well, somebody down in Tampa asked this question to Joe Torre the other day, and it was a pretty good one if you ask me: How come we never heard about how random things were in the playoffs until the Yankees stopped winning them?

Because you were writing about how magnificent and calm-eyed and wonderiferous and scrumtrellescent the Yankees were. (You also weren't writing about their pitching.) You were writing about Jeter and Mr. November and The Flip and all kinds of stuff that you attributed to Derek Jeter being a Winner. You weren't writing about how Jeter went .211/.318/.211 in the "Flip" series against the A's in 2000***, or 2-17 (.118/.200/.118) in the 2001 ALCS against the Mariners or 4-27 (148/.179/.259) in the World Series against the DBacks (when he was dubbed "Mr. November, BTW). Because they were winning, for a lot of other reasons. Like pitching. And the biggest reason the Yankees lost to the Indians this year was Chien Ming Wang. It was not ARod. ARod is like sixth. And #5 is: bugs. Tell me that shit isn't random.

The Red Sox are in the same random, crapshoot playoffs and have now gotten off the deck and come back from 3-0 down and 3-1 down in the last four years, and which of A-Rod's Yankee teams do you think were capable of that?

Josh Beckett. Curt Schilling. The bullpen. Some lucky bounces. Good hitting. The fact that it was a longer series. All of these things were factors.

The Red Sox were able to do this because their biggest stars - David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez - stepped up to the plate in all ways.

Ortiz was 1-9 with a walk in the last two games.

Now A-Rod wants to be paid as if he's indispensable, because the Yankees wouldn't have made it to the playoffs this year without him. True enough. Here's something else that is true: They sure don't make the World Series very much with him on their side.

Causality takes another beating. Jeez. They also haven't won very many World Series with Jason Giambi on the roster. Or Mike Mussina. Or Robby Cano. Or with George W. as President. Or ever since Woody Allen started using Scarlett Johansson in his movies.

It is why the Yankees should absolutely call his bluff about opting out. If he really wants to go, let him.

Yes. Please let him. Please.

Labels: arod, mike lupica

I mean, I'm pretty sure I do. Jeter had like two hits, and Posada hit .0003, and Wang had a 19.00 ERA in two starts...but it's gotta be ARod's fault, right?

What do you think, Jack Curry, sportswriter for the Newspaper of Record in the United States of America?

Yes, Rodriguez singled with the Yankees trailing, 6-1. Yes, he drilled a homer against Rafael Pérez with the Yankees behind by four runs for his first homer and first run batted in across the last 16 playoff games. He also popped out in the ninth. But Rodriguez’s first two at-bats, those uncomfortable at-bats, will stick with him. Especially if this was his last game as a Yankee.

Sure, he homered and singled in five at bats. But what's that got to do with whether he hit well in the game? It's totally irrelevant. First of all, when he hit the solo home run -- achieving the best possible outcome in that at bat -- his team was down by four. What a selfish asshole that he would only hit a solo home run in that scenario. What's the deal, ARod? Only care about yourself? Only want yourself to cross the plate?

And what's with that single? "Oh, I'm ARod, I'm so great! Blah blah blah! I'm such a choking selfish dick I'm only going to get a single instead of a grand slam because I want everyone to look at me while I'm on base!" Enough of his bullshit. I say run the guy out of town.

And check this out:

The sight of Rodriguez sweating and swinging ahead of any of his teammates was intriguing. Was Rodriguez continuing his penchant for working harder than anyone else? Or was Rodriguez concerned about another postseason game and the potential for failure?

Unbelievable. The guy comes out for early BP and he gets attacked for working too hard. There is absolutely nothing this man can do that will not lead to a dummy writing negative things about him.

By the way, I have been in England for a week. Before I left, I went on record saying the Padres were definitely the most dangerous team in the N.L. West. I haven't checked the papers -- I assume they advanced to the NLCS, right? Yeah. I'm sure they did. I'm not even going to check.

Labels: arod, jack curry

From the AP report of yesterday's game:

"We needed this win. It would have been a huge blow to lose this game, especially after last night," Alex Rodriguez said. "It was like a heavyweight battle. You had the feeling that whoever batted last would get the win."

So...since the game was in New York...you were pretty sure you had it all the way, then?

Labels: arod

Sigh.

Just to short-circuit this whole argument:

Alex Rodriguez, last three years: 1778+ AB, .945 OPS. In September: 291 AB, .995 OPS.

And: drum-roll, please...

This September: .333/.419/.730/1.149.

I am not making this up, people. This idiot is claiming that Alex Rodriguez's bat has gone cold, in a month where he has a fucking .730 SLG and an OPS of 1.149, with 8 HR in 63 AB.

His bat has gone cold. He has an OPS of 1.149.

Justify this, New York Post. I will give you a billion dollars if you can justify this claim.

Signs of Fall are everywhere. The temperature has dipped, leaves are beginning to change colors and Alex Rodriguez looks tighter than Britney Spears' pants.

If Johnny Carson were alive, and still hosting The Tonight Show, and you submitted this joke to him, you would be fired. Come to think of it, if Jay Mohr were doing stand-up at the Ice House in Pasadena and you offered him this joke for free, he would throw a drink in your face.

Also, Alex Rodriguez is "tight" to the tune of a 1.149 OPS this month you terrible hacks.

The Yankee third baseman went 0-for-4 last night, making him 3-for-29 in his last eight games.

Can I just say something about Alex Rodriguez? And thank you, Brian Costello, for bringing this up, because I have been wanting to say this for a while: Alex Rodriguez is a total dick. I'm serious. What other player in baseball would have the gall to go 3 for 29 over an eight game stretch? That is selfish. Do you guys know how much money he makes? I just looked this up. He makes eleventy corbillion dollars a year. For that kind of money, you best not go 3 for 29 over an 8 game stretch. That is selfish and chokey. That is choke-ball. For eleventy corbillion dollars, you better go more like 15 for 29 over an eight game stretch while you also pitch and play three positions including catcher.

Alls I'm saying is, there's a little guy on the Yankees you might have heard of. His name is Derek Motherfucking Jeter. Yeah. You ever heard of him? He's the best athlete in earth's history except for maybe Jim Thorpe. And there is no way -- none -- that Derek Jeter would ever go 3 for 29 (!!!!!!) over an eight game stretch. Not while he's be-pinstripèd. Not while Monument Park is still standing. Not while Scott Brosius and Tino Martinez are--

Derek Jeter, September, thus far: .266/.347/.406.
(Sep. 3-Sep. 14: 5-32, one double, no HR.)

-- stop interrupting me! Not while Scott Brosius and Tino Martinez are still breathing God's beautiful Lou Gehrig-flavored air. Until Alex Rodriguez realizes that, all the money in the world can't save his soul from burning in eternal hellfire, that cowardly prick. Also, Paulie O'Neill was the balls!

No one can knock the MVP-caliber season Rodriguez is having, but as he's learned in his first three years in The Bronx, his season ultimately will be measured by what he does during the Yankees' pennant chase and playoff run.

That stupid fact wouldn't have anything to do with...the media, would it?

Fortunately for Rodriguez, the Yankees have not needed his offense. Last night's 2-1 victory over the Orioles was their 12th win in 14 games. They have been winning in spite of the hole in the middle of their lineup wearing No. 13.

The hole in their line-up. The hole in their line-up. Give me a second. I just want to remember everything about this moment -- where I am sitting, what I am wearing, the temperature outside -- because this is the moment that Alex Rod was referred to as a hole in the Yankee line-up, because he had a bad eight games, in a year in which he leads his league in all meaningful (and most unmeaningful) categories.

Live this moment, people. This is real. This is happening to all of us. We are humans, here on earth, with feelings, and consciousness, and this is happening, right now, to us.

Rodriguez left the clubhouse without speaking to reporters.

Jerk.

He struck out in second inning against Brian Burres and again in the eighth against Chad Bradford. That ran his strikeout total to 15 since his last home run on Sept. 9 in Kansas City.

It also sent his EqA tumbling all the way down to .337. The best in the league.

On one of the strangest plays of the night, Rodriguez appeared to have a mental slip. In the fifth inning, he was at the plate with Doug Mientkiewicz at third and Bobby Abreu at first and two out.

Burres unleashed a wild pitch that sailed past catcher Ramon Hernandez and reached the backstop. Inexplicably, Rodriguez stayed in the right-handed batter's box as Mientkiewicz broke for home. Foreseeing a collision, plate umpire Mike Reilly grabbed Rodriguez by the arm and pulled him out of the way.

Graig Nettles never would have done that. Drew Henson would never have done that. Enrique Wilson never would have done that. And do I even have to mention that one Dr. Scotthew von Brosius never would have done that? Yes, I do. Scott Brosius never would have done that.

"There was a chance to be a play at the plate so I wanted him to move," Reilly said. "He was standing there. I grabbed his arm and said, 'Alex, I've got to see it.' "

Mientkiewicz said he didn't see Rodriguez standing there because he was running so hard.

"It would have been a double-negative," Mientkiewicz said. "I would have cleaned him out and gotten released tomorrow."

Sorry, are we still talking about this? This makes the news? ARod didn't immediately jump out of the way of Doug Malphabet as Malphabet charged home from 3rd on a wild pitch? This is worth ten column inches? This is proof of something?

Later in the at-bat, Rodriguez had his hardest-hit ball of the night, a long fly to left.

Asshole.

The Yankee Stadium crowd still has not turned on A-Rod, but you get the feeling that if he looks this bad in the playoffs the "MVP" chants will transform back into the boos he heard last season.

I have been Groundhog Day-ing this exact article all effing year, and allow me to say, here, in late September: I hope -- I pray -- that ARod fails miserably in the playoffs, because I dislike his team. And I hope that Yankee Stadium boos him mercilessly, because I want him to leave that team, because he is the best hitter in baseball. I am also interested in what happens if he has a repeat of the 2004 ALCS, where he goes like 8-31 or something...not great, not terrible. Because I think what would happen is: people would savage him anyway. In fact, if he goes 15-20 in the ALDS and the Yankees lose, I think the media would still write that he "still hasn't led his team to victory," and I would find that immensely pleasurable.

The next month may be the most important month in Rodriguez's career. His stay in pinstripes has been shadowed by what he's done in October. This year there is the added factor of him possibly opting out of his contract and leaving New York.

Weirdly, this is the end of the article. Oh well. At least the points he made were well-thought-out and insightful.

Labels: arod, brian costello, clutch

Thanks to reader Greg, we are introduced to Jim Mooney of the Ottawa Sun:

Is A-Rod the best player in MLB this season?

No: Jim Mooney

A .313 average, 52 home runs, 141 RBIs and 134 runs with two weeks to play? He is the best "hitter" in the game this year, without dispute.

Why is "hitter" in quotes? Is "hitting" an unimportant part of the equation? Sure, he's the best "hitter" in the game. But can he cook? And what's his high score on "Snood?" This is the "Best Player in Baseball" contest, man! Factor this shizz in!

However, defensively he lags behind pretty much any third baseman not named Troy and he's despised by opponents and teammates alike.

Is ARod the best player in MLB this season? No. Because he is despised by people. In order to be good at baseball you have to be well-liked. Take Ty Cobb, for example. Or Ted Williams -- a true mensch. Bob Gibson handed out turkeys to homeless dudes every Thanksgiving. Reggie Jackson was basically a father figure/therapist for his teammates. And Roger Clemens was voted "Sweetest" and "Girls' Choice for Brother" in the 2004 MLB Yearbook.

Also, for what it's worth, ARod is fine defensively. Not the best ever, but fine.

MLB's best player? Magglio Ordonez, Ichiro Suzuki, Vladimir Guerrero, Derek Jeter and a handful of others in the AL alone will split that vote. Apparently exotic dancers really like him though.

Terrible, terrible antecedent problem here, with the last sentence. Also..fuck the heck?

WARP3/EqA

Magglio: 10.6/.351
Ichiro: 11.4/.311 (with a like .435 SLG).
Vlad: 8.5/.329
Jetes: 8.7/.294
ARod: 13.7/.361

Where, oh where, is the debate?

(EDIT: It has been brought to my attention that this Mooney fellow may just be a reader of the paper, not a writer. Not that it matters, in the long run.)

Labels: arod, fuck the heck, jim mooney

September OPS:

Choke-Rod: 1.553
Calm-Eyed Jeter: .442

Labels: arod, derek jeter, small sample size

I highly recommend everyone go here and purchase one of these things. We need to keep people like this in business, so they can continue to produce idiotic websites, so we have something to write about.

And go to the original site, here. It's a joy to read.

Thanks to Jeremy for the tip.

Labels: arod, tee shirts

We're going to be seeing a lot of shit like this in the next month:

I know, I wrote that the Yankees would be better off letting Rodriguez walk and using the savings to shore up the pitching staff, but, like Cashman soon will, I reserve the right to change my mind.

The funny thing is, it took him until HR #47 and 48 to admit he was wrong about ARod.

And by the way, I don't think Brian Cashman is dumb enough ever to have thought -- like you did -- that the Yankees should just let him walk. (You can find that journalistic face-plant here, if you're interested.)

Labels: arod, wallace matthews

It's a cloudy, muggy Sunday afternoon here in Partridge, KS., getting up to 88 later, and it looks like it might pour any second. Normally, this would be fine with me, as I would just sit in my den and watch baseball for ten hours. Except: today, Fremulon Ins., Inc. has called me into the office.

Emergency restructuring of the pension plans, thanks to ripples sent through our investment portfolio due to the sub-prime mortgage crisis. Booooo-ring. After a couple hours of research, I think to myself I think, "What am I doing working so hard? It's Sunday, for land's sake!" So I open my FJM e-mail, and voila: the perfect distraction. I find a little piece of heaven linked from reader Matthew. It's by a delightfully spry old cooter named Jerry Green, from the Detroit News, who has a bone to pick. Jerry wants to know:

What ever happened to hitting homers for the team?

A quick search of the ol' memory banks, and the baseball rules contained therein, will remind us that the points, or "runs," that are granted to the team of a player who hits a home run out of selfishness, egotism, and Ayn Randian self-interest will exactly equal the points his team gets if he goes deep, like, altruistically. So, already a bit confused, let's read on to see what has Jerry's panties in a bunch.

The digital clock over the TV is pushing toward 11 in the p.m., ticking toward bedtime, and on the color screen there goes another shot. Deep, deep, going gone.

I am not usually one to make fun of older people. But in this, the very first paragraph of an article on baseball in the year 2007, Jerry sees fit to specifically mention that his clock is digital, and his television has a "color" screen. When was the last time anyone regularly watched non-color TV? The only reason one might go out of one's way to mention that one's screen is colorized is if, subconsciously, this fact is still kind of a big deal. (And what are you doing watching baseball highlights at 11:00 anyway, Jerry? The Steve Allen Show is on soon.)

"He went yard," shouts the announcer, using for the 15th time in the last 10 minutes ESPN's favorite network-contrived cliché for the old-fashioned home run.

I yawn. Again.

It is the fifth time I have seen this same home run, er, yard shot, in the last 23 minutes.

Too bad Michigan law mandates that you have to keep watching it.

Alas, I am too dazed to push that little silver escape button, the off gizmo, and retire to my current book.

Again. I have nothing against old people. Many of my best friends are old people. My college roommate was an old person. But when you overexplain, in print, what a "remote control" is, and refer to it as a "gizmo," you (a) are playing up how old and crotchety you are as a badge of honor, (b) are just too old to remember where the "delete" key is on your keyboard, or (c) are Andy Rooney.

I am part of the vast captive audience. There is no escape. There is no mercy.

...There is "changing the channel," isn't there?

My ankles are locked, my eyelids are drooping, but I can barely drag myself to the sack.

These things happen. Calcium chews and multivitamins will help.

I am victim of our pop sports culture.

ESPN believes that it invented the home run.

We have been fed this summer a steady dose of milestones.

Sammy Sosa's 600th home run.

Alex Rodriguez's 500th home run.

Barry Bond's 754th, 755th, 756th, 758th, and onward, home runs.

One might argue that we haven't been "fed" these things, so much as they have "happened." And are "of interest." To people who "like sports."

Over and over, while we remain prisoners.

The other night, honest, Karl Ravech, the moderator of ESPN's Baseball Tonight show, had a segment: "The best three things and the worst three things that happened since Bonds' 754th home run." This followed: "The Minnesota Twins are 6 and 2 since Bonds' 754th home run."

This a day after Bonds surpassed Henry Aaron's home-run record with No. 756.

I am no fan of ESPN these days. They do a lot of incredibly stupid segments that have nothing to do with sports coverage, like "Who's Now?" and "Getttin' Heavy" and "NASCAR Hip-Hop Thunder!" and "Which Sandwich?" But after months of research I have devised a way to avoid these irritants: don't watch them.

E -- Embarrassing!

S -- Silly!

P -- Puerile!

N -- Nonsensical!

Man. You really went for it here, didn't you, Jerry. I bet you wish you could take this back. I mean, you put each one of these things on a different line, and punctuated with exclamations. You have a lot of confidence in this humor trope.

And I remain in captivity, addicted to the pre-dreamtime baseball scores and TV images.

Reading is an option. The internet also provides sports information. Did you read Tim Page's first-person account of Asberger's Syndrome in the New Yorker this week? Fascinating, I thought.

I have become immune to the season's most imaginative newspaper headline: "Bonds homers; Giants lose."

Again. And again.

Bonds! Sosa! A-Rod!

What does it mean?

Riddle me this -- in this whacky, over-hyped world of sound bytes and yard shots, what has any one of them ever won in Major League Baseball?

Buckle up, people. Things are about to get crotchety.

With all their home runs, with their vast millions in salary, with their adoring fans, at least in their home ballparks, when has any one of them ever helped a team win a pennant or a World Series championship?

Allow me, quickly, to remind Jerry of a few things.

1. There are eight position players, five starting pitchers (usually) and several relievers on a baseball team. They play 162 games per year, then between one and three playoff series in an attempt to win the World Series. Teams have vastly different payroll thresholds, and every year they contend with injuries, fluctuations in performance, and the relative strength of the other teams in their division. One man, no matter how good, cannot single-handedly win a championship in a team sport.

Bonds played on one pennant winner in his 21-plus seasons. The Giants lost that World Series. But Bonds hit four home runs -- for the loser.

What a bad baseball player he is. He would be better if he had hit zero home runs for the winner. Logic!

His Pirates and Giants went 2-7 in various postseason ventures. Barry Bonds has hit more home runs than any other athlete in 131 years of Major League Baseball. But he is tied with thousands and thousands of lesser athletes in total World Series victories: 0. Zero, zilch.

He is also tied with Ernie Banks and Ted Williams. Frank Thomas won a World Series with the ChiSox in 2005, despite having only 105 AB during the season and not even being on the postseason roster. Does that make him superior to Barry Bonds in some way? It's a team sport, dumbass. And some people play for shitty teams.

Sosa has never played for a pennant winner nor a World Series team in 18 big league seasons. He appeared in the postseason twice. The Cubs went 1-2 in three series. They almost won a pennant one recent October, but perpetuated their series of failures since 1945.

Sosa's fault. All Sosa's fault. The nerve of Sammy Sosa to have prevented/never helped the Cubs win a World Series since 1908. If I am not mistaken -- and I don't believe I am -- it was Sosa who interfered with the foul pop that Alou might have caught in that NLCS game in Wrigley in 2003. I believe it was also Sosa who botched that easy grounder later in the inning. (I've always wondered -- why was he playing SS? Alex Gonzalez was a gold glover!!!) And why did Sosa pitch so terribly in Game 7 when Kerry Wood was rested and ready to go? If I were a Cubs' fan, I would hate Sammy Sosa, because he never single-handedly won a World Series.

A-Rod has been a dismal flop in his ventures into the postseason in his previous 13 seasons with the Mariners, Rangers and Yankees.

Frequent readers of this web-log might remember that I have a particular bee in my bonnet in re: people claiming ARod is an Untrue Yankee because he has "failed" in the postseason where far superior players like Chad Curtis and Scott Brosius have succeeded. But now, now we have a whole new ballgame.

Jerry is claiming, and I quote, that "A-Rod has been a dismal flop in his ventures into the postseason in his previous 13 seasons with the Mariners, Rangers and Yankees." If you will please excuse my language: Fuck the heck are you talking about?

I will first point out that the Rangers did not make the postseason while he was there. A point you might have made to help strengthen your flaccid argument, if you'd spent less time fidgeting with doo-dads and whatnots and focussed more on checking information to see if your wild and idiotic claims had any veracity.

Second. Here's what ARod did as a Mariner in 13 postseason game (not counting 1995, when he had 1 AB each in 2 games):

18-51
3 BB
3 2b
3 HR
8 RBI

That's a .352/.388/.588 line. That's a .976 OPS. That's a dismal flop.

The only time you can truly call ARod a postseason dismal flop was last year in the ALDS against Detroit, when he went 1-14 with nary a double to call his own. Yes. Dismal flop. Second would be the previous year's 2-15 against the Halos, but he was walked six times and thus had a .381 OBP. Which ain't bad. But here's the point:

Joe Dimaggio went 2-18 in the 1949 WS (.111/.238/.278).

Pujols put up an almost identical line in the 2001 NLDS.

In 1950, Phil Rizzuto (RIP) went 2-14, .143/.294/.143.

Should I keep going? Okay.

1922 World Series. Picture it. Giants-Yankees. Roaring Twenties. Jazz! Babe Ruth knocks 2 sweet hits in 17 tries, Sultanly Swatting at the rate of .118/.250/.176. Or how's this: in the 1977 ALCS against Kansas City, Mr. October himself went 2-16 with no extra base hits, non-dismal-flopping his way to a .125/.222/.125 line.

In fact, lets just go ahead and do this:

Mr. October, career, in October: .278/.358/.527. One HR every 15.6 AB
Mr. Dismal-Flop, career, in October: .280/.362/.485. One HR every 22 AB

Jackson's totals are more impressive when you consider he has more than twice the AB, and many more HR, and so on and so forth. But the original comparison is valid, thanks to its very invalidity. What do I mean? I mean that the whole exercise of looking at one (or even two, or three) postseason series is stupid.

They are tiny sample sizes of data, that can be cherry picked at will to make any point you want. That's why Mark Lemke is a postseason legend, but a sub-par overall Major Leaguer, once the number of data points increased and his true talent level shone through. It's why Marty Barrett at one time shared the record for hits in a postseason series. The smaller the number of AB, the higher the possibility that something crazy happens, like ARod going 1-14.

Want to claim ARod is a choker, even just as a member of the Yankees? Cite his last two series, which were bad. I will counter with the 2004 ALDS against the Twinkies, where he went 8-19 with three doubles and a homer, going .421/.476/.737.

(Once again. I hate Alex Rodriguez. And I am spending my entire Sunday looking up Reggie Jackson's postseason hitting stats just to prove that Alex Rodriguez is good. My boss is going to be pissed. I am pissed.)

He has never played for a pennant winner, never has had one at-bat in a World Series. The teams he has played for went 3-6 in postseason series.

All his fault.

That adds up to an astonishing sum of nearly 1,900 home runs among them without a single championship.

But did they go yard a lot! With worthless home runs.

Home runs are never worthless. They are always worth between one and four runs. And without those 1900 home runs, it is fair to say that their teams would have had many fewer postseason games, and thus many fewer chances to reach the World Series.

These three guys are worthy of Hall of Fame selection whenever they turn eligible, Bonds and Sosa accompanied perhaps by asterisks.

For the record, Babe Ruth played for 10 pennant winners and seven World Series winners in 22 seasons. The Babe is unmatched with 15 World Series home runs with the Yankees, and a 3-0 record as a pitcher with the champion Red Sox.

When Babe Ruth played baseball, there were two leagues, and thus two playoff teams. If you won the league, you played in the World Series. And since Babe's team also featured many other Hall of Famers -- both pitchers and position players -- he played in the World Series a lot. And since baseball was segregated, and not international, he did not play against the best possible competition. And so on and so on and so on.

Babe might have been the best hitter ever. His OPS+ is 207. But comparing his WS stats to anyone's from the Divisional Era -- never mind the Wild Card era -- is stupid on stilts.

Ruth, the home-run master, was the consummate winner.

Too bad ESPN was not in business to capture the wondrous exploits as "The Babe went yard," on its Baseball Tonight show.

What are you even complaining about? Babe Ruth was the ultimate showman. He partied harder than anyone. He was all about celebrity. If BBTN were around in the 1920s, Babe would have had his face in front of those cameras 24/7. He would've had his own reality show. He would've been cutting every deal he could to milk extra $$$ out of the MLB $$$ deals with whoever. And he would've had a lot of venereal diseases.

Also for the record, Kirk Gibson contributed immeasurably to victory in two World Series with home runs. He never has been close to enshrinement in Cooperstown.

Because there is no category for "Best Dramatic Performance in the Postseason in the Smallest Possible Sample Size of One AB." I'm pretty sure some memento of that AB (the ball is lost, I think, but Vin Scully's radio call on tape, or something) is in the Hall. Apparently, like Colin Cowherd, you cannot differentiate between permanent enshrinement for career achievement, and enshrinement for famous moments.

Bobby Thomson hit a home run for the New York Giants to win the best pennant race in history, in 1951. He is not in the Hall of Fame. Bill Mazeroski hit a home run to win a World Series for the Pirates. He reached the Hall of Fame belatedly in the veteran's category, based on his fielding skills. Joe Carter won a World Series with a home for the Blue Jays. Joe has no chance ever to reach the Hall of Fame.

Joe Carter's career OPS+ is 104. You think he should be in the Hall of Fame? (I know he's not really saying that, but it's implied.)

But all of them "went yard" when it mattered.

Yes they did. Good for them. Wonderful moments. The rich tapestry of sports, and so on. What are we talking about, again?

The Embarrassing, Silly, Puerile, Nonsensical all-sports (poker? spelling bees?) network has an amazing influence on its captive audience.

True dat.

America has been led to believe that A-Rod is having the best season of any ballplayer currently playing.

...He is. Except for maybe H-Ram, to whom he's second in VORP, though ARod has a higher MLVr. See for yourself.

Therefore, the current hot debate with the Tigers competing in New York this weekend is the American League's most valuable player competition.

A-Rod is being championed as the shoo-in for the MVP. He leads MLB in home runs and RBIs.

Other things ARod is beating Magglio in:

VORP
OPS
Win Probability Added
RC
SecA
IsoP
EQR

Though Magglio has him in EqA, .333 to .332.

There is this bit of news for the great unwashed:

Magglio Ordonez hits home runs that win ball games.

Well, shit. Because ARod hits the kind that cause Peruvian earthquakes and give kids diseases.

He hits singles and doubles that contribute to winning ball games.

Dammit. I had no idea. ARod only hits the kind of singles that earn him, personally, money, which he uses to invest in blood diamond mines in Africa. And ARod's doubles -- besides taking runs off the board from his team -- are converted into energy that powers a rec center for Aryan nation youth gangs.

He hit a home run last October that won a pennant and sent his team into the World Series.

ARod sucks. Because he has never been placed in this exact situation and come through in exactly the same way. Robin Ventura is way better than ARod.

Ordonez happens to be immeasurably more valuable to his team than A-Rod is with all his fluff and flourishes, flubs and superfluous home runs.

There are any number of statistics I could use to prove you wrong, but I will actually just repeat what has been implied, and what is self-evident, if you think long and hard about what you just wrote and published:

You are stupid, sir. This is a stupid thing to say.

They are both extremely valuable to their teams. To imply that ARod is less valuable because he, I guess, hits more home runs, but has never exactly hit a home run that won a pennant for his team...I mean...that is just...farty. That is farty writing. That writing smells like farts.

Okay. Back to work. Hey! It's 7:30! Quittin' time!

Labels: arod, fremulon insurance, fuck the heck, jerry green, magglio ordonez

There are no words for how stupid this one is. But I will type some anyway.

Alex Rodriguez stared down Danks, Logan and Bukvich with his mighty MVP lumber, and he might as well have confronted Gibson, Koufax and Feller with an old maid's broom.

He couldn't manage a single in Williamsport right now, never mind a home run in the Bronx. A-Rod is growing A-Fraid of the moment. He's turning this glorious march to 500 homers into an alarming stagger to who knows where.

I just want everyone to take a deep breath. Have a seat. Shake out the tension in your arms. And realize what is happening.

Ian O'Connor is slamming Alex Rodriguez -- murdering him, calling him a 'fraidy cat, and a choke artist -- because he did not hit his 500th career home run within five or so games from when he hit his 499th career home run.

The man is 32. He has 499 career home runs. He hits one 0-21 patch and he's junk.

"An alarming stagger to who knows where." This seems a little dramatic, sir. Since he's the best fucking baseball player in the world. And since as I write this, he has just hit his 500th HR. So, armed with the glorious righteousness of dramatic irony, I now delve into the rest of this jaundiced journalistic hack piece.

Rodriguez went 0-for-4 in the 8-1 victory over the White Sox on Wednesday night,

Bum.

and he hasn't gotten a hit in his 21 at-bats since Homer No. 499,

Asshole.

equaling the worst hitless streak of his career. If he doesn't become the youngest player to reach 500 by the end of the Yankees' homestand Sunday, Joe Torre said, "We'll all be in straightjackets."

Or at least A-Rod will be in one. Let's see Scott Boras negotiate his way out of that.

Weird metaphor-reality crossover, but since you posed the challenge, allow me to say that Scott Boras will have absolutely no problem finding Alex Rodriguez well-paid work next year, and if it's not in the Bronx, it is the fault of people like you, dummy.

I hope ARod goes to the Tigers, and in his first game back in the Stadium he hits a ball so hard it shatters the Scott Brosius monument in Monument Park. What's that? There is no Scott Brosius monument? Because he was hopelessly mediocre? Huh.

"I'll hit it sometime before the year ends," A-Rod pledged.

Would he bet $252 million on that?

I will! Oh, please -- bet me. I will borrow that much and bet anyone who wants to bet. Email me, Ian -- I will take your bet of any amount, under any odds.

This time around, Rodriguez's teammates didn't smash eight homers, just five. Thirteen homers in two nights from the Yanks, and not a single one from the slugger who will someday take down Barry Bonds. How preposterous is that?

Pay very close attention when I answer this: it is not preposterous at all. It is just an occurrence. There have been many games of baseball where Hall of Fame players played badly and normally-bad players played well. I know this may be a shock to you, since you have clearly never seen a baseball game.

"You kind of just want to join the parade a little bit," said A-Rod, who insisted he'd be far more concerned if his teammates were losing these games.

What a douchebag, huh? Run him out of town. Him and all his not-caring-about-personal-accomplishments-in-favor-of-caring-about-his-team's-performance. Selfish prick.

A-Rod spent the day at the Manhattan store, Niketown, where 500 chanting kids came to celebrate 499 homers. He spent the night at the Bronx arena, Yankee Stadium, where 53,342 chanting kids and adults failed to chase that number, 499, right out of his otherwise charmed life.

One of the worst paragraphs I have ever read. Tortured, sweaty, unnecessarily adjective-heavy, overly-numerical, analogically forced. A perfect "0.0."

His batting average is slip-sliding away, that .300 standard like a fading friend in the rearview mirror.

I should really bookmark the Alex Rodriguez BP player page. I keep thinking it's not worth it, because these brain-damaged articles will have to taper off eventually, but they don't, and now here I am again, taking the long way to get to the information that proves how dumb these people are.

2007:

.295/.404/.626
EqA: .328 (league rank: 2)
VORP: 58.5 (league rank: 1)
WARP3: 12.1

His batting average is under .300? Murder him. Seriously. That's the only proportionate response to someone's batting average falling under .300. Even if, as these numbers show, he is either the best or the second best (by a hair, behind Magglio) hitter in the league.

Those special baseballs the clubhouse boys keep handing to the umps keep landing in the bad guys' gloves.

"It's a festive atmosphere every time I go up to the plate," Rodriguez said.

And then he kills the party, like an angry parent pulling the plug on the speakers.

He kills the party, by not hitting home runs on cue. He kills it intentionally, is the implication, I believe. Because he is selfish. A selfish, selfish jerk, who is also the best player in baseball, but screw him, for not hitting home runs when Ian O'Connor demands he should.

Maybe it's time to aim those flashing cameras at Shelley Duncan, who is only 494 homers away from matching A-Rod.

Oh please do this, New York. Please. Please anoint Shelly Duncan your new hero. Please please please. It will be so funny to watch -- please, I beg of you, put your eggs in the Shelly Duncan basket. Please please please please please?

Maybe it's time for Rodriguez to realize he'd better forget his place in history, and remember there's still time for this year to get as ugly for him as last year did.

So now, this is all happening because ARod is obsessed with his place in history? I thought it was happening because he was a party-pooping choke artist. Get your wild accusations straight, please.

Rodriguez descended into a grim free-fall in 2006, and bottomed out in Torre's one-and-done postseason lineup, finding his name eighth in the order against Detroit.

A "grim free-fall" that saw him go .358/.465/.691 in September with 8 HR, you dolt. He hit better in the second half than he did in the first half. Do you just not care about facts, or are you making shit up to suit your thesis? I honestly want to know.

He's the sport's most gifted player, and he's working on a $252 million contract that isn't rich enough for his blood.

Greedy greedy greedy. What a greedy greedo. It's greed that is making Alex Rodriguez...what? Play so well? How dare he...perform...according to expectations...? I guess?

A-Rod wants more money, and George Steinbrenner or some star-struck suitor will give it to him.

He should play for free, like Derek Jeter. Or take a massive pay cut to remain with the team, like I'm sure Mariano Rivera will next year. Or take a massive amount of money and then cheat and break down and lie about it and miss two years like Jason Giambi. That guy is a a stud! How dare Alex Rodriguez try to earn the maximum amount of money a man can earn given his skill set. Maybe he should emulate Ian O'Connor, who was offered eleven million dollars a year to be managing editor of the New York Times sports section, but turned it down to write for NorthJersey.com for free. (Note: this did not happen.)

Why does all of this seem familiar? Oh, right. Because I have had to write entries like this all year, because this stupid article keeps getting written.

But along with his absurd demands come some not-so-absurd expectations.

Why are his demands absurd? I don't understand this. If I were as good as Alex Rodriguez, and someone offered me $252m to play baseball for ten years, I'm pretty sure I would take it.

Rodriguez isn't expected to be a mere regular-season juggernaut. At his prices, he's supposed to knock down some October walls, too.

He's been a miserable failure in the last two postseasons, and he can't afford to make it three in a row. In this context, Rodriguez might be better off missing this year's playoffs.

I'm not going to publish ARod's postseason stats again. I just can't bring myself to do it. It chips off a chunk of my soul every time I have to point out that he hammered the ball in 1999 against the Yankees, or out-hit Jeter in the 2004 ALCS -- no! I'm doing it again! Damn you, Ian O'Connor.

If he has an MVP season and the Yanks finish a game out of the wild card, Rodriguez keeps the runs he scored at the plate and the points he scored in the stands. But if he has an MVP season and flames out again in the first round, Rodriguez loses all credibility as a money player and, perhaps, loses a few opt-out millions to boot.

That's why he is secretly tanking the season, trying to get the Yankees to finish a game out of the WC. You can tell how he's accomplishing this, because he leads the league in most offensive categories. And just hit his 500th homer. Did you know he's only 32? He is! Weird.

Is another October disaster a feasible A-Rod scenario? Yankee fans can only hope Rodriguez's last 21 at-bats don't amount to a sneak peek.

Well, as science has definitively shown, there is a direct correlation between a player's 21 AB previous to reaching an artificial career milestone, and the first 21 AB that player has several months later in post-season play. I wouldn't have guessed that this is true, but it really never fails. (Note: this is not true.)

A-Rod hasn't exactly been a study in poise at the plate. One could argue that his at-bats since hitting Homer No. 499 have simulated the pitcher-batter tension found in the playoffs, even as Torre shoots that theory out of the sky.

One could argue that, I suppose. One could also argue that if you put tinfoil on your dog's head it can talk to aliens.

A-Rod carried a professional approach into the batter's box Tuesday night, when everyone except Steve Balboni and Kevin Maas homered for the Yanks. But his cuts leading into that game were so absurd, Torre said his third baseman would've hacked away at a resin bag had a mischievous pitcher thrown one.

He had a bad game? I want my $252 million back. All of it. Because I paid it. Metaphorically.

Facing the immortal John Danks in the first, A-Rod hit a weak fly to left. He followed up that effort with a slightly deeper fly off Danks in the third, another can of rotten corn.

Asshole. Choker. Selfish. Two AB without a homer. Take your $352 million and shove it up your choke-hole, choker.

In the fifth, facing lefty Boone Logan, Rodriguez slapped a lame grounder to short. In the seventh, facing righty Ryan Bukvich, A-Rod slapped a lame grounder to third.

The single worst performance in the history of baseball. We paid him $452 million for that?! He makes $2.9 billion per swing! Hey ARod -- go fuck yourself. Come back to me when you can hit a HR off Ryan Bukvich at will. What does Ryan Bukvich make? Not as much as ARod, I'll tell you that much. ARod-for-Bukvich, straight-up. Get it done. ARod will clear waivers, since he makes eleventy-six trillion a year. Maybe once the Yankees have a non-ckoker like Bukvich they can win in October.

At least he didn't get under those. The crowd grumbled anyway. It sounded like an early-inning grumble out of the fans' 2006 playbook, which usually called for an all-out jeering by game's end.

Is it possible -- and this might be totally crazy -- but is it possible that they were grumbling because they were just disappointed at not witnessing history? Is it possible, however unlikely, that they actually -- unlike you -- recognize that ARod is the game's best player, and were just sad that they didn't get to tell their friends that they had personally seen the moment when the 32 year-old made history? Maybe?

Lord knows A-Rod's ears can't take another September and October of that.

This is the worst one of these I have ever read.

Congratulations, Alex Rodriguez, on your 500th career home run. And enjoy playing in San Francisco next year. It's a lovely city.

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