FIRE JOE MORGAN

FIRE JOE MORGAN

Where Bad Sports Journalism Came To Die

FJM has gone dark for the foreseeable future. Sorry folks. We may post once in a while, but it's pretty much over. You can still e-mail dak, Ken Tremendous, Junior, Matthew Murbles, or Coach.

Main / Archives / Merch / Glossary / Goodbye

Thursday, November 13, 2008

 

Post #1377: The Relatively Short Goodbye

Hello, everyone.

After 21 years, and almost 40 million posts (we'll have to check those numbers, but it's something like that), we have decided to bring FJM to an end.

Although we have not lost our borderline-sociopathic joy for meticulously criticizing bad sports journalism, the realities of our professional and personal lives make FJM a time/work luxury we can no longer afford.

We started this site with two purposes: to make each other laugh, and to aid and abet the Presidential campaign of Bob Barr. Although we failed in the latter goal, we gleefully succeeded in the first, and thanks to a grassroots internetty word-of-mouth kind of a deal, we appear to have positively affected the lives of actual citizens as well, which astonishes and delights us to this day. We really never thought FJM would be for anyone but us. We are thrilled and kind of humbled to have been proven wrong.

We thank all of you for the kind emails, and the tips, and the support. To each and every person who ever contacted us: hat tip to you.

Perhaps the future holds another project for us on which to waste massive amounts of time. For now, we will leave the site and the archives up as a testament to the fact that if you work hard enough, and blow off enough social occasions, and stare at the internet enough, and get nerdy enough, and repeatedly ignore entreaties from your friends and loved ones to please God stop blogging about Bill Plaschke and get out of the house it's a beautiful day!, then you, too, can...have a blog.

Again, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you. And as Joe Morgan himself might say:

"I really haven't seen them play...slidepiece...Dave Concepcion."

Love,

dak, Junior, and Ken

Labels: ,


posted by Anonymous  # 8:54 PM
Comments:
Many of you guys have written in to ask us to reconsider -- even if we just post something once in a long while. You guys are nice and awesome.

And, well, we might. We might come back here once in a while and post something particularly infuriating or noteworthy. We like this place too.

But it was time to demap.

Byesers!
 
I, too, would like to add that the barrage of emails has been overwhelming. Our emotions are a veritable flood of chocolate ina chocolate fountain.

Wait a second...that seems like a...
 
Thank you sincerely for all of the emails.

Remember, the greatest intangible of all is love. Number two is grit.
 
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Tuesday, August 05, 2008

 

Fremulon Merchandise

Fire Joe Morgan is happy to announce that we've finally brokered a deal with Fremulon Insurance's legal team, wherein FJM now has the rights to distribute the Fremulon "unity diamond" logo and Fremulon merchandise. It was a pretty intense negotiation, as I'm sure you can all imagine.

In the end, Fremulon's in-house attorneys agreed that, despite Ken Tremendous's frequent complaints about management and senseless business trips to Buenos Aires, FJM had, in fact, done a fine job of publicizing the Fremulon name. Thanks to Herb Plaam for making this all possible.

Available here
.

Remember, these things are customizable, so you can change the color of the shirt, or the kind of shirt or whatever. Unfortunately you can not change the name "Zazzle."

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posted by dak  # 6:32 PM
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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

 

A Journalistic Highlight

Daniel Oshinsky of the Rocky Mountain News reports from Beijing that FJM is inaccessible in China.

I find this to be excellent.

What's the matter, China? Can't handle EqA? Big fans of bunting over there? Love Livan Hernandez, hate Johan Santana?

We will not stop blogging until every Chinese citizen has the right to read curse-filled nonsense about Dusty Baker. And that is a kind-of promise!

Labels: ,


posted by Anonymous  # 3:33 PM
Comments:
Many of you wrote in to point out that I typed "John" Santana instead of "Johan." Well guess what? I did type "Johan." It seems the sinister tendrils of the Chinese government, which notoriously hates "o"s, extends all the way into the inner sanctum of blogger.com's editorial staff.

Watch yur backs, peple.
 
If in fact the word "John" appeared instead of the word "Johan," then the letter that was left out/expunged by Communist overlords was in fact an "a," not an "o."

I'm thinking you outsourced the entire post and comment bundle to a Warcraft gold farmer in China.
 
The first comment, which attempted to make me look like a fucking moron by indicating that I can't tell the difference between "o" and "a," was written by a North Korean spy posing as a Chinese National, in an attempt to frame both the Chinese government and me as dangerous morons.

The original censorship of "a"s was perpetrated by the Greeks. It's complicated.
 
Nick sez:

I live in China and still get to enjoy FJM.

Please tell Daniel Oshinsky of the Rocky Mountain News that he can go to proxy sites and then type in www.firejoemorgan.com:

http://www.proxy4china.com
http://proxychina.org

Meanwhile, the reason for blocking FJM in China is pretty obvious. Can you imagine how much the bases get clogged in a nation of 1.4 billion people?

 
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Tuesday, February 05, 2008

 

Era of Anonymity Comes to an End

So, after a few conversations with various other bloggers and like 28 minutes of low-grade soul searching, the editors of this site have decided to reveal our identities.

The reasons for this are:

1. We figured whoever reads this site has a right to know who's writing it.
2. The people we make fun of have a right to face their accusers.
3. We don't want anyone to be able to write off what we say as the un-credited ramblings of people too afraid to stand behind them. (The ramblings.)
4. We figured no one cares that much one way or the other, so why not?

So, if you are interested in learning who we really are, you can click on the "About Us" link at the top. If you're a true romantic, and want to believe that we are cloaked cyber-Zorros who exist only within the internet, ignore the link and go about your business, secure in the knowledge that whenever Woody Paige makes a terrible pun, we will be there.

Labels:


posted by Anonymous  # 3:01 PM
Comments:
When do we open up comments again?
 
I might as well go ahead and reveal my identity as well.
 
And yes, enough e-mails, people, you guessed right: this is Coach.
 
If only out of respect to the sort-of-recently deceased, I feel like someone should point out that Junior was, um, joking when he said that Coach was Robert Altman.

Remember how we make jokes sometimes?
 
Chester Jesterton is the prophet Muhammad (no IMDB entry).
 
This is Spinoza.
 
And this is America's Sweetheart.

(That's for you, Murbles.)
 
Then again, that would explain why I stopped posting around the release of "A Prairie Home Companion."
 
And also why my posted have sucked since "Nashville."
 
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Thursday, January 17, 2008

 

Boring news: iPhone icon!

For those of you who enjoy reading FJM on your iPhones or iPods Touch or whatever, I've added a nice little smiling-Joe-face icon to our site. So if you choose the "Add to Home Screen" option (available only in the latest software update) you can have a nice little picture of Joe smiling at you in your pocket at all times.

Um, yeah, you're welcome.

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posted by dak  # 7:16 PM
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Tuesday, January 01, 2008

 

The 1988 Kansas Jayhawks of the Sports Blogging World

Inexplicably, FJM has won that tournament over at Busted Coverage. Thanks to everyone who voted for us.

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posted by Anonymous  # 4:31 PM
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Tuesday, December 04, 2007

 

Comments

Never mind.

Comments are off, forever.

And ever.

Labels: ,


posted by Anonymous  # 2:18 AM
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Monday, December 03, 2007

 

Comments Commence

Ah, reader comments.

You guys have been asking us to enable them for years now. It's been on ongoing debate among team FJM for a while now -- it was like our NAFTA or something. (I have no idea what NAFTA actually is, or what happened to it.) One of us was pretty hardcore in favor of 'em, and the other two didn't really care that much. Then suddenly we had a breakthrough: if two of us don't really care about it, why not just try it out and see what happens? As you can imagine, it was a pretty exciting moment for all of us.

So, that's what we're doing. We're opening up comments to all readers.

BUT, be good, people. Obviously we reserve the right to delete any comments for little or no reason. And if we see enough dogshit, we'll shut the whole thing down.

So, what is good shit and what is dogshit? Just be cool. Move the discussion forward. Bring up a different point of view. No 4chan memes.

DOGSHIT:
1) "You guys suck. You are all arrogant pricks who are guilty of the same pig-headedness that you rail against."
We know. Everyone knows.

2) "You guys are f*#$%!##@ing hilarious and your arguments are right on the money!"
Several problems: (a) This is boring. (b) There's no reason to censor yourself; this is the fucking internet and we like to swear. (c) If you're going to censor yourself because you're a God-fearing weirdo or whatever, don't use like nine symbols. And why are three of them "#"?

3) "Paging Dr. Saltalamacchia!"
I don't get it. And even if I did, I don't think I'd like it.

GOOD SHIT:
1) "I have done some research that I think might add to the discussion. Let me share it with you..."

2) "I have a different way of interpreting the data at hand. Let me share it with you..."

3) "Why are you guys still using WARP to evaluate players? Can't we all agree that..."

4) "I have a really, really stupid pun involving Manny Acta and his disinclination to bunt. Let me share it with you..."

5) "I think you guys missed a food metaphor label opportunity."

Be smart and kind. Have fun. Enjoy.

If you're not used to looking at the comments, we use an antiquated "drill-down" method where every time you refresh the page, it tells you how many new comments there are. Sometimes. If it's working. So get ready to apple-R a lot. To read the comments, just click on the link that says "4 new comments" or whatever at the end of each post. To "collapse" the comments, just click on the link again.

Labels: , ,


posted by dak  # 11:39 PM
Comments:
I think we need a food metaphor label!
 
Let me be the first to say that "dogshit/good shit" should be a label.
 
The first reader comment on FJM really should have some substance to it. *Shrug*
 
Shouldn't the very mention of food metaphors open this post up to the label, or at the very least, the "liberal use" label?
 
Off to a strong start here, with this experiment.
 
Paging Dr. Saltalamacchia!
 
Sooo, um, I haven't seen Joe Morgan on ESPN on Sunday nights, has he already been fired?
 
Aw man, I have been waiting for this on this site since I first learned about it. But given the first six or seven comments, I am pretty sure this will last for all of 10 minutes.

In other news, I was dinking around on baseballreference.com, and... did you know Miggy Cabrera has an effing .930 career OPS at 24 yrs old??? I wish the Twins were one of those teams that "spent money" or "liked good players."
 
It appears likely that at least 1 out of 9 FJM readers doesn't understand exactly what a metaphor is.
 
Wahoooo, just what i have been waiting for.
 
lkl stole my thunder, so besides a timid "I love you people", I got nothin. /dogshit
 
How are you able to crunch all that data you use regularly, if you're on a mac?
 
I like where this is going. BTW, did anybody else here know that Barry Larkin has a 116 career OPS+? Sorry, just trying to be statistical.
 
I don't like that you are allowing comments. I don't like it one bit. You are taking FJM from its other-worldly elitist pedestal and placing it amongst the pedestrian rubble. Very bad move. Serious.
 
As long as the hoi polloi doesn't actually like Colin Cowherd, then what's the problem? Oh, they do? Nuts.
 
Ten Kremendous!
 
Speaking of food metaphors - which you were, tangentially - anyone catch the Sports Illustrated article on the Heisman race between Tebow and McFadden? The writer compared the vote to "choosing between an ice cream sundae and a banana split. Either way you pick, you'll regret not having the other one..." or something like that. Bonus points for it not really making sense. Celizik would be proud.
 
21 comments and not one mention of David Eckstein. Until now.
 
F*** the heck took you so long?
 
Count me in as one who's not crazy about the whole reader comments idea. Most people simply do not have anything interesting to say, but that doesn't keep them from submitting comment after comment on their favorite blogs, even if it's just to say, "I agree!" or -- even worse -- to complain about something that they have no control over.

You see? I just wasted your time and mine.
 
Well there isn't a lot of room to have a comment that actually pertains to the post, so all I'm gonna say is, thanks, this could be fun.

Kevin
 
Will there be manny more bunting references today?

/shows self out
 
Was "God-fearing weirdos" a necessary term?
Also, Bill James wrote an interesting article about the clutch debate in SI. I'm not completely convinced on its validity, but hey it's worth a looksie.
 
Haiku Time:
Eckstein or Erstad
Which one would I rather have
I'm fucked either way
 
I propose that "Eckstein's law" henceforth is the FJM equivalent of Godwin's law.
 
In re: Bonds post below- Giants underperformed about 6 games last year, so given a tiny bit of luck, Jenkins will see them improve significantly next year- and his idiocy will become more ingrained...
 
Ken, get back to work.

- Jon Fremulon
CEO Fremulon Ins.
Partridge, Kansas
 
I'm not sure Joe Morgan should be fired. He's the foundation of most of the happiest moments I spend during the workday. If anything, his brand of wacky non-sensicleness (that's a work right?) should be expanded to other sports.

Just imagine a KT write-up of a Joe Morgan luge-related chat.

JM: "Hard to say not having seen the Norwegian women much this year, but they are consistent and it's really anyone's event at this point, as long as the US starts Sheff . . . "

KT: /Wince

You get the idea. Someone get my conversation hat and get Norby on the phone. (Too many gets?)
 
I'm having a hard time concetrating as I read through these inconsistent comments.

/Joe Morgan
 
First post!

Or um ... not.

Speaking of Eckstein, don't forget to check out his feature in Highlights.

It was squeezed in between the Timbertoes and Hidden Pictures.
 
Just a thought ...

Is there a way to have two comment sections? Maybe one Blogger (for FJM members) and one Haloscan (for us peons)? That way people can sift through you guys' comments alone in the website or sift through all the $#!+ we put up in a separate window.

Something to consider.

May I say, I love this site.
 
These comments make it very hard to concetrate on the post, because they are very inconsistent.
I can't comment about the consistency of comments on other blogs, because I haven't read them, but Dave Concepcion always was good for an insightful comment.
 
fireopencommentingonfirejoemorgan.com
 
Why no thoughts on the Lastings Milledge trade?

That trade was like swapping your chocolate milk at lunch for Tang!
 
Check out Hat Guy's FJM like hit piece on Don Imus on MSNBC.
 
Jeez, shut it down already. Forty comments and about six are worth reading.
 
Can you please please please write more about Jim Rome? Every time I watch his show I want to blow up his head. The things that he says are asinine and untrue, and he seems like the kind of guy this website would rail on. Yet, I have only found ONE article about him (which was hilarious, by the way).

PLEASE rail on Rome. He's the Darin Erstad of sports journalism.
 
Not a fan of the comments

I like to think of you guys as immortals in the blogging world, and this just brings you down towards the level of us peasants.

Also, your comments will be much funnier than ours.
 
I can't believe you did this. This is taint city. Your blog was perfect before this. Just by my sheer commenting, I am poisoning your blog because I lack the sheer ability to critique sportswriters as you do. And see what I did there? I used the word sheer twice in a sentence. Would you ever do that? Eff-uck no you wouldn't, you'd have more sense.

Don't allow the pagans entrance to the gates. They shall not pass.
 
So get ready to apple-R a lot.

----------

People still use Macs?
 
Long time reader, first time caller. How about closing down the reader comments and increasing the frequency of posting?

www.firemostcommentersonthisthread.com
 
Emmitt Smith Vs. Joe Morgan in a "Who Can Say the Least in the Least Coherrent Manner While actually Speaking for an Extended Period of Time"- constest. Who wins?
 
This won't end well, but at least it answers the question of why we can't have anything nice.
 
Well I'm sure this is exactly what the guys were hoping for.

I'm amazed that we've yet to have a post dedicated to creme de la creme blowhard Hank Steinbrenner.
 
I have to say I thought I'd enjoy reading more comments. I'm less sure now that I've had a chance to read more comments. Maybe there's some way to put the comments elsewhere and have someone include the best ones on the site?
 
I think the best solution would be to have two comment sections, one for FJM writers, one for dogshit.

And another thing, Firejoemorgan.com has really become firejoemorganhirekentremendous.com, 9/10 posts are KT, the other is Junior.
 
So far FJMs S/G (shit/good) rating is an astounding 48.
 
See the trend I started by using "concetrate" and "consistent" in the same sentence? I posted mine, then 2 others followed suit with virtually the same sentence. I must be funny!

Read the comments before posting, morons.
 
I agree that this is a bad idea... While I understand that it absolutely makes your lives easier, well, that doesn't really concern me, now does it?

Honestly, though, you're going to end up with the same problems you had when you shut down comments the first time. A lot of pointless drivel with no real discussion.

Might I suggest a forum for you guys? You can set up forums for free, something like (http://www.vbulletin.com/).

I think that'd work much, much better.
 
I have an idea.

It's a little bit crazy, so just bear with me.

If you don't like reading the comments, then ... don't.

I know, it's totally out there, but I think just maybe it can work.

Also, those who are judging the experiment by this one post ... come on. It's the first one, and the story itself that everyone is commenting on is itself about the commenting. This particular "discussion" can't be used to judge anything of interest.
 
I feel sick.
 
I agree... but with who?
 
please stop public comments.
 
Please stop making fun of my son.
 
This is the most pretentious list of comments I've ever read. Take that, everybody who commented before me!
 
Thanks for letting me post, I will now trade you Carlos Silva as pittance.
 
@ pudge, That is the most balanced article on Eckstein I've read. Leave it the Highlights to cut to the quick/
 
I like the comment forum idea presented by Act...

http://www.vbulletin.com/

You can also use Ballhype, but I have no idea if that's free. Anything, please, just not this.
 
My bad, you win the internet, Stats Guy. Congrats, douchey.
 
Well, Dak, it was worth a shot.
 
[elated, drunk, enraged, passes out]
 
I like the comments. Baseball + Trenchant + Smartass = A ray of sunshine into my otherwise dreary life.

If you don't like the comments, don't read 'em. Damn, that was hard.
 
I just heard the giant sucking sound of lost productivity...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giant_sucking_sound

Hopefully this comment section works better than at FanHaus...
 
Most Disastrous Experiments of All Time, by Disaster Rate (DR):

1. Tuskegee
2. This
 
Well, NOTHING bad can come of this!
 
I agree with that guy somewhere up there. Can the comments and increase the frequency of your posts.
 
Define irony: making a comment to tell everyone how terrible the comments are.
 
...a highly embarrassing day for the FJM team.
 
Look... RE: "OMG, if j00 dunt lyk them dunt read them!!!11eleven"

I don't know about any other lunatic who follows this web site, but I enjoy reading the webmasters' comments, and think their descretion was good as far as what got posted and what didn't. I want to continue to see what KT, DAK, Junior, and co. have to say about the articles. But when this is swamped with inane posts, it makes it hard.

Again: Forums.
 
Once the shock leaves I think the comments will calm down and be better. You guys need a new player to go after. Eckstein is getting boring. Maybe take a poll to see who will be the next "Eckstein".
 
@Act:

Damn, it's a good thing I don't give a shit what you think!
 
This comment has been removed by the author.
 
Everybody wants to touch their favorite piece of art, and if everybody did, it would be ruined.
 
Long-time read, first-time caller. This blog sucks.
 
Listen: I know very little about how forums / online stuff works. That said, I'm interested in the possibility of setting up forums. I just don't want to get involve in heavy lifting. I totally see how it could be a viable alternative to this mess.

So if you know of an EASY way to set something up, beyond the name of a website that hosts forums -- or if you're willing to help set something up for us -- please tell me.

E-mail me: dak@firejoemorgan.com.
 
ETA on the flame war: 15 minutes

ETA on someone equating someone else's comment with Hitler: 17 minutes
 
Aaaand we're good.

I'm gonna put a hold on this for now. Junior, Ken and I are getting together to watch the Patties game in a bit. We'll talk this whole mess over then.
 
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Saturday, September 15, 2007

 

FJM Reunion

dak and Junior flew in last night, and came over to my place in Partridge today to watch the Red Sox-Yankees game. That's fun, right? No it is not. Because we get the Dodgers-Snakes. Because who wants to watch Yankees-Red Sox on a Saturday in September? At Fenway? Beckett-Wang? Boring.

And then, we're treated to this gem from some dummy on Fox, in re: Juan Pierre:

Some folks talk about his on-base percentage -- it's a little bit lower than some fans would like. I'll take him on my team. Especially with regard to his leadership ability and his work ethic -- as well as those stats!

You can have him, friend. On our team, we will take anyone else.

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posted by Anonymous  # 4:40 PM
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Monday, September 03, 2007

 

M



Congratulations us!

We have reached our 1,000th post at Fire Joe Morgan. To celebrate, here is a humorous screen grab from today's episode of Oprah.

Labels: ,


posted by dak  # 7:01 PM
Comments:
MM? What do you say, guys?
 
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Monday, July 31, 2006

 

Boop Boop Boop Boop Boop

Just put up a glossary of terms. It's probably incomplete. We'll keep adding to it, I hope.

Should help a little, though I swear there are much better places to go for statistical information. Still, people have continued to e-mail asking us for some explanation of the terms we use. So I guess what I'm saying is: this is your fault.

Permalinking up top as well.

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posted by dak  # 12:38 AM
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Friday, July 28, 2006

 

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep

This seems really self-indulgent, but we've decided to add some questions and some answers.

A surprising amount of speculation about our motives and identities has been raised on other blogs, forums, and web-o-places. So we thought this might help to set the totally irrelevant record straight. Enjoy.

There'll be a permanent link at the top, and oh! This is really exciting. I made the non-A letters in the word "Archives" lowercase instead of all caps.

So, yeah. Things are really taking off around here.

We're working on a little glossary, too, since many people have e-mailed us asking for one.

Finally, I just heard one of the Angels broadcasters call a Coco Crisp double a "no-doubter."

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posted by dak  # 10:55 PM
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Wednesday, April 20, 2005

 

About Us

Ken Tremendous (Michael Schur), Junior (Alan Yang), and dak (Dave King) are all TV writers. We live in Los Angeles, in places other than our mothers' basements.

Please do not send e-mails to us about anything other than sports journalism.

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posted by dak  # 2:33 PM
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Press For FJM

CNNSI

Scout.com Interview with KT

Baseball Prospectus Radio Interview

Boston.com

San Jose Mercury News


New York Newsday


"All Things Considered" on NPR


Salon.com


The Harvard Crimson

KT on NBC Sports talking fantasy baseball, which, by the way, he does not play or like


A painfully long interview with dak on WHRB
(dak's fault, not the interviewer's)

KT interview on royalsblog

This issue of SI contains an article by Junior...which, of course, is not available on the internet.

Ken Tremendous podcast on "The Scrum"

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posted by dak  # 5:14 AM
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Glossary Of Terms

Ever since Fire Joe Morgan was founded back in 1881, FJM readers have been clamoring for a glossary of the statistical terms, acronyms and abbreviations we toss around here. Such a thing already exists, but we're going to write a new one anyway.

FJM is far from a comprehensive or even occasionally accurate source of sabermetric information, but we will mention OPS+ from time to time, and if you don't know what that is, our site won’t be as informative or amusing. If you do know, the site is nearly always balls-to-the-wall genius, so it’s really in our best interests to help you all learn our terminology. A lot of sites, like ESPN.com’s MLB stats page, and baseballreference.com’s stats page, keep up-to-date records of many of the stats we use here, if you want to go and look up stuff for yourself.

So, here's a glossary of terms, statistical and otherwise, that you might encounter from time to time while reading the site. Like the Constitution, the FJM Glossary is a living document that will be updated as necessary, but unlike the Constitution, its contents can be used to befuddle the greatest second baseman of all time if you happen to run into him.

Let's get started.


BABIP (Batting Average on Balls in Play)

Exactly what it sounds like -- a player's batting average on the balls he puts into play. BABIP doesn't include strikeouts or home runs because those balls aren't in play. Make sense? This stat is helpful to show the effect of luck on a player's batting average. For instance, if two weeks into the season, Yuniesky Betancourt is hitting .573 and John Kruk is proclaiming him the next Honus Wagner, you can calmly point to the fact that his BABIP is an astronomical .494 (along with the two facts that it's two weeks into the season and John Kruk has never been right about anything). One way to calculate BABIP is (H - HR) / (AB - HR - SO + SF).

This stat can also be applied to pitchers. There's a guy named Voros McCracken who was, a few years ago, literally like living in his mom’s basement, and he was noodling around with a computer and he discovered something that made people freak out in re: pitchers, which is: pitchers can’t really control much of what happens when a ball is put into play. In other words, pitchers can basically control their Ks, BBs, and HR, but even the best pitchers in the world cannot really control how many hits they give up year-to-year. One year Greg Maddux will give up a ton of hits, the next year very few, the year after a ton again. It’s counterintuitive, but true. (If you want to read his article, here’s the link.) This is why the pitchers who are really good over a long period of time are guys who are good at the few things they can control: they strike a lot of guys out, don’t walk very many people, and give up few HR.

What does this all mean? Well, if your favorite pitcher gets off to a terrible start, but he is striking out roughly the same number of guys per 9 innings that he has in the past, and he’s walking about the same number of guys he usually has, and he’s giving up HR at the same rate he usually has, but he’s allowing a BABIP of like .390, do not despair – he has gotten a little bit unlucky, probably, since the league is not going to have a .390 BA overall for the whole year. His BABIP will probably regress a little over time, and his ERA will “magically” go down. And then Kevin Kennedy will attribute the decrease in ERA to “getting his confidence back” or something, and you will smile knowingly.

For some reason, by the way, ESPN uses “BIPA” instead of “BABIP.”

In 2008, the MLB leader for BABIP was Dave Bush, at .231. The average BABIP is about .290, which is what Johnny Cueto put up last year. The worst in the league was Kevin Millwood, who had a BABIP of .346.

BA (Batting Average)
Hits divided by at-bats; also, perhaps the stat that makes Ken Tremendous' blood curdle the quickest. Okay, maybe that's wins. Batting average is the backbone of traditional hitting metrics, and amazingly, is still looked upon as a good way to determine whether someone is good at hitting baseballs. It is not a good way to determine this. Why? Well, you already know why. You know it intuitively, and you always have. Because a guy who hits .250 but clubs 40 HR and 40 doubles and walks 100 times a year is way way way more valuable to his team than a guy who hits .310 with 2 HR and 19 doubles and 15 walks. That’s kind of obvious, isn’t it? I agree. So why should we keep talking about batting average, ever? We shouldn’t? Okay, we won’t. But Tim McCarver will, and that’s why he should be selling cookware door-to-door instead of talking to the country about baseball every Saturday.

In 2008, the MLB leader for BA was Chipper Jones, at .364 (Pujols was 2nd). The median BA for players eligible for the batting title was about .280 last year, or what Russell Martin and Curtis Granderson were able to produce. Jack Hannahan and Nick Swisher took the Doodoo Bat Awards, given to the players with the lowest batting averages (.218 and .219 respectively).

BA / OBP / SLG
Nothing more than a popular way of presenting a player’s 3 most oft-cited hitting averages. If you see three averages split up by forward slashes, chances are you’re looking at their Batting Average, On-Base Percentage, and Slugging Percentage, in that order.

DERA (Defense-adjusted Earned Run Average)
A pitching metric that attempts to be a defense-independent – in other words, it uses things a pitcher can actually control, like his BB-rate and HR-rate and stuff that doesn’t involve defense, and tries to calculate what his ERA is absent the influence of defense. 4.50 is average.

EqA (Equivalent Average)
I'll just quote Baseball Prospectus here: "A measure of total offensive value per out, with corrections for league offensive level, home park, and team pitching." EqA incorporates baserunning but not defense. EqA is derived from something called Raw EqA, which is calculated by (turn away, Rob Dibbles of the world) the following formula:

(H + TB + 1.5*(BB + HBP + SB) + SH + SF) divided by (AB + BB + HBP + SH + SF + CS + SB)

And you thought things weren't going to get that nerdy around here. EqA is basically like what you used to think BA was – a true measure of how good a hitter is. EqA is purposely formulated to be on a similar scale to BA so it won't scare off the normal people. .260 is average – which, as a point of comparison, is what Kevin Kouzmanoff sported in 2008. The league leader for '08 was Albert Pujols, at .372. He played the entire year with arthritis in his elbow.

LOOGY (Lefty One-Out GuY)
A left-handed reliever usually called upon to retire just one batter, usually in a critical situation. See Neal Cotts (actually, don't, there's no entry for him here), who led all pitchers in 2008 with a LOOGY raw index of 137/133. (Yes, sorry, this is a fake stat).

OBP (On-Base Percentage)
1. Read Moneyball.
2. OBP is the difference between Kevin Youkilis and Jeff Francoeur.
3. It's also the reason Adam Dunn is vastly underrated.
4. Very simply, OBP is a way to tell how good someone is at not making outs. It’s the total number of times a guy gets on base without being responsible for making an out (except for reaching on errors), divided by his plate appearances -- which are simply times a guy comes up to the plate and tries not to make an out. See why it’s valuable? (Plate appearances in this case are defined as At Bats + Walks + Sacrifice Flies.)

In 2008, Chipper Jones led all players with a .470 OBP (Pujols was 2nd). Michael Bourn held down the cellar (for league lead qualifiers) with a tight .288. That’s really bad. The league median among eligible batters in ’08 was .349 (Miguel Cabrera; Akinori Iwamura; Jimmy Rollins; and Kelly Johnson). And for historically ridiculous reference, in 2004, Barry Bonds’ OBP was .604; in 2002, it was .581.

OPS (On-base percentage Plus Slugging percentage)
It's not perfect. But on the plus side, it's not batting average. OPS gives you at least some idea of how patient and how powerful a hitter is. Unless, of course, you're a hidebound 263-year-old who enjoys ridiculing any advancement in human knowledge. In that case, OPS is your three-letter way to sneer at anyone who dares question the value of batting average, which was good enough for George Sisler and will be good enough for you, dammit.

Hard-core nerds will snivellingly tell you that OPS is stupid because OBP is way more important than SLG – Bill James himself, the king of all things stat-related in baseball, thinks that it is four times as important. Nonetheless, OPS has achieved some small toe-hold in popular parlance, so it’s important to know what it is and when to use it. If you really want to know how good a hitter is, however, EqA is way better. OPS is often cited with a “.” and sometimes without. Don’t be confused – if you see a number between like 700 and 1000, with or without a “.”, chances are it’s a player’s OPS.

Pujols was MLB’s 2008 OPS champ at 1.114; Michael Bourn posted the lowest OPS at .588. Jason Kubel wore the OPS Median crown at .805. The OPS Median Crown, by the way, is one of those Burger King crowns for young children.

OPS+
Anytime you see a “+” sign in front of a stat, it means that the stat has been adjusted for the specific season(s) to which that stat applies. OPS+, for example, is simply OPS measured against the league average OPS for that year/years, and adjusted for park factors (see below). 100 is defined as average. So, an OPS+ of 115 means that the player in question was 15% better than the average player who played in his league during the time he played. It’s a quick and dirty way of comparing hitters on a level playing field, because it accounts, obviously, for the general offensive trends that mark baseball history. In 1968, Carl Yastrzemski hit 23 HR and had a .922 OPS, which is very good. But his OPS+ was 171, which is excellent, because offense league-wide in 1968 was hard to come by. For contrast, Mark McGwire hit 65 HR in 1999, but his OPS+ was “only” 178, because the whole world was juicing balls into the stratosphere that year, so compared to his peers McGwire was roughly the same amount as awesome as Yaz was when he hit only 23 in ’68.

Albert was also the 2008 OPS+ champ at 190. Milton Bradley was your AL champ at 163. To give a little more cross generational perspective, your career OPS+ leaders are: (1) Babe Ruth (207); (2) Theodore Ballgame (190); (3) Barrold Bonds (182). Those guys were all really good at baseball.

ERA+
See OPS+. Same deal, but for ERAs.

Cliff Lee led eligible pitchers in MLB last year with a 175 ERA+. Timmy Lincecum took the NL title at 167. The all-time ERA+ champ, is, would you believe, Pedro Martinez at 166. (Think of all the ridiculously low ERA’s he posted in a hitter’s ballpark at a time when balls were flying out of the park.) [Note: since this was first written, Pedro's career ERA+ has dropped to 154...and Mariano Rivera is now the all-time ERA+ leader at 199. He met the requisite minimums to be considered a career leader, at least according to baseball-reference.com.]

Park-Adjusted or Park Factors
Baseball is a funny sport where human men play on fields that aren't all exactly the same. That's why it may not always be useful to compare raw statistics accrued in vastly different spaces. Say you have 16 HR and I have 1000 HR. I am a better hitter, right? Well, maybe not. Because you play for the Mariners in spacious SafeCo Field, and I play for the InterGlobal Moon Pirates, and we play in the MoonCo Moonadium, where there is no gravity, and so every ball hit into the air is a home run. You are probably a better hitter than me. Park-adjusted stats will help us figure that out.

It is important to look at things like Park Factors if you are a GM, because if you don’t you will trade for the entire Colorado Rockies offense and then they will come to your stadium and stink it up because their numbers were artificially inflated at Coors Field, and you’ll be like, “What the hell?!” and they’ll be like, “I don’t know, dude – we were awesome at Coors!” and you’ll be like “Ugh! I forgot to include Park Factors in my analysis!!!!!!!” And who wants that?

There are different ways to calculate Park Factors. According to ESPN, Rangers Ballpark was furthest on the Hitters’ Park end of the spectrum, while PETCO Park anchored the Pitchers’ Park side. Sounds about right to us. (Park Factors also vary from year to year more than you might think.)

Pythagorean Record (or “Expected Win-Loss”)
Remember the old Pythagorean Theorem? X squared plus Y squared = Z squared? Same idea, but instead of sides of a triangle, it uses runs scored and runs allowed. It turns out that this is a pretty good way to predict what a team’s record will be. The formula is RS^2/(RS^2+RA^2). If a team is 50-35 but has allowed the same number of runs that it has scored, you can bet that its wins have been a little flukey, and that it will cool off pretty soon. The Pythagorean did a bang-up job, for example, at predicting the precipitous decline of the 2005 Washington Nationals.

In 2008, the Chicago Cubs had the highest Expected Win-Loss of .619; the Mighty Nats were last at .376.

VORP (Value Over Replacement Player)
An offensive stat only, VORP attempts to calculate the number of runs a player is contributing above what a replacement-level player at the same position would if given the same percentage of team plate appearances. VORP is a counting stat, not a percentage stat – so, for example, as of July 22, Andruw Jones has a VORP of 31.0. That means that he has created 31 more runs for his team than the average AAA call-up guy would have by this point in the season. It also turns out that every ten runs a player creates is worth roughly one win, so Andruw’s offense alone has earned the Braves three wins. (There are other stats, like Fielding Runs Above Average [FRAA] that do the same thing as VORP, for defense.) See WARP below for more.

Old Baseball Men, this is another good one to bandy about if you're interested in tearing down a nerd's argument. Because it sounds funny. VORP. Please. What's that doing in baseball? Forget VORP, let's come up with a stat for the size of a guy's heart, am I right, people? We'll call it the Eckstein Quotient. No, wait, that sounds too nerdy. Eckstein Number. Nope. Still too smart. Eckstein Thing. How about just Thing? The highest Thing in the majors? You guessed it: David Eckstein. That's why they almost named it after him.

Once again, Albert Pujols was your VORP leader in 2008 at 98.7. Hanley, Chipper, Lance Berkman, and David Wright rounded out the top 5. Tony Pena was dead last at –24.9. Micah Owings (SP-Ari), by the way, had a VORP of 7.3 (as a hitter), which was better than, like, Kosuke Fukudome at 6.1.

WARP (Wins Above Replacement Player)
Sort of like VORP, but with a defensive component, as well. And it's calculated in terms of wins. It uses VORP and FRAA and all of those things to figure out how many wins a player is worth to his team, by himself, from all phases of his game. There are also WARP-2 and WARP-3, which adjust for various historical factors and stuff like that.

WHIP (Walks plus Hits allowed per Inning Pitched)
Pretty self-explanatory. Way way way way way better measure of a pitcher’s effectiveness – especially a relief pitcher’s effectiveness – than ERA or wins or anything that you’ve ever heard Steve Lyons talk about during FOX Saturday Baseball broadcasts.

Roy Halladay was best in 2005 (among eligibles, which basically means starters) with a WHIP of 1.05. Brandon Backe was last at 1.67. The median was 1.32, represented by the likes of Gil Meche, Paul Byrd, Daisuke Matsuzaka and Javier Vazquez. Sometimes you’ll see WHIP go into the thousandths, which in this case would have been helpful to avoid writing out four names of average-ish pitchers.

Wins
1. The only stat that matters. The only way to pick a Cy Young winner. The thing Billy Beane can't get in the playoffs, no matter how many fancy computers he hires to play baseball for him.
2. A simply awful pitching statistic that should be swallowed up by the earth itself, personified, given ears, and forced to listen to a tape loop of Bermanisms for all of eternity. The reason being – and again, you know this, intuitively, even if you have never quite expressed it to yourself – if Carl Pavano gives up nineteen runs in five innings but the Yankees score 20 runs, and they hold on to win, and Pavano gets the win, is Pavano a good pitcher? No he is not. (This scenario is assuming he ever comes back and actually pitches, btw.) If Francisco Liriano throws 9 innings of no-hit ball, but gives up a run on four consecutive errors by Terry Tiffey and gets a loss, is Francisco Liriano a bad pitcher? No he is not. Wins stink to high heaven as a way to value pitchers because they are in very large part dependent on the actions of the other guys on the team.

Of course, according to Joe Morgan, "Wins and losses are how you measure pitchers" (Baseball For Dummies, p. 289).

Cliff Lee and Brandon Webb led all pitchers with 22 Wins last year. Good for them. And, obviously, there were about 140 pitchers who tied for last with zero wins.

>>>>Some other terms you might find helpful:

True Yankee
A leader. A guy who’s full of intangible qualities that help him triumph – with class. Derek Jeter. A guy who has a certain look in his eye, like he knows what it means to don the pinstripes with some motherfletching pride. Bernie. Mantle. Joe D. Jeter. A guy who you want in the trenches with you. Mattingly. Joe Girardi. Derek. Jim Leyritz. Posada. Derek Jeter. A guy who stares adversity in the face and says, “I play for the Yankees, and that means something, and I am going to hit a HR off BK Kim in this World Series Game because I am a New York Yankee." Scott Brosius. Tino. Dave Justice. Derek Jeter. A winner. Derek Jeter.

Here are some people who are not True Yankees: Alex Rodriguez, Mike Mussina, Jason Giambi, Alfonso Soriano, Carl Pavano, Jaret Wright, and every other New York Yankee who has never been on a Yankees’ World Series winning team.

If you ever – ever – hear someone use the phrase “True Yankee,” for any reason, I want you to find the nearest exit, form an orderly line, and leave the premises quickly and calmly. Seek shelter. Cover head. Report the incident to your nearest FJM representative immediately. You are in great danger, because the person you are talking to is an idiot.

HatGuy
HatGuy is Mike Celizic, who writes a column for MSNBC.com. He is a very bad man who wears an old-timey fedora in his official MSNBC.com staff picture and does not know anything about anything, least of all baseball.

JoeChat
Joe Morgan does live chats with his admirers every Tuesday on ESPN.com. You have to be an ESPN Insider to view/participate in these chats. If you do not wish to be an ESPN Insider, you can check in with FJM weekly for a breakdown of all of the indecipherably weird things Joe writes when responding to perfectly innocuous questions about the game he claims to have loved for many years, but in reality has clearly never actually seen played.

Do not go to joechat.com unless you are a gay man looking for other gay men.

David Eckstein
David Eckstein is 4'10" and appears to suffer from borderline albinism. Despite this, he is a mediocre MLB shortstop. After he throws the ball to first base, it looks like he needs to lie down from exhaustion. He also runs hard to first base, as most baseball players do.

Baseball analysts have interpreted this data to be somehow indicative of something more powerful than mere "tangible" baseball skills, perhaps residing somewhere deep in the (non-human?) DNA of David Eckstein.

In fact, a new wave of baseball genetic experts believes that there may be a mutant patch of genetic code on chromosome 11 in some major league ballplayers. In most cases, this causes True Yankeeism. Eckstein, they claim, was born with a mutation of a mutation; the resulting phenotype features not only acute and heightened True Yankeeism, but stunted growth and fair skin and hair.

Sabermetrics
The Society for American Baseball Research (SABR) is like the sort of father organization for all of the stat-based stuff we use, and thousands of other forward-thinking people use, when we talk about the statistical side of baseball. Sabermetrics is a neologism that refers broadly to their/our brand of statistical analysis.

Moneyball
Moneyball is a very good book by Michael Lewis, which chronicles the ways in which Oakland A’s General Manager Billy Beane tries to keep his team competitive with a small payroll. The clunky and incorrect understanding of the Moneyball philosophy is that it simply involves getting players to walk a lot and hit home runs. In reality, what Moneyball deals with is the search for inefficiencies in the complex world of evaluating baseball players. At the time the book was written, Billy Beane and his crew had determined that there were players who weren’t fast runners, maybe, or were fat, or short, or otherwise had some kind of superficial thing “wrong” with them that made other GMs dismiss them as not good baseball players. But these players were actually good at baseball, and because other people had undervalued their skills (skills like walking a lot, for example) Beane was able to draft them or trade for them and not pay them a lot of money, because no one else wanted them.

These days, enough people have caught on to the idea that on-base percentage is important that such players are not undervalued anymore, and so GMs like Beane, who have to put a team together with a $50 million payroll instead of, say, the Yankees’ $200 million payroll, are looking elsewhere for value.

The book rubbed a lot of traditionalists the wrong way, because it takes the obvious and yet somehow controversial position that the massive amount of observable data we can collect from a baseball player’s performance is more important than that player’s like physical strength or speed in the 40 yard dash. Beane, and others like him, believe that it doesn’t matter if a guy looks like he should be awesome at baseball – it matters if he is actually good at baseball. It doesn’t matter if some crusty old scouts who have been in baseball for seventy years look at a guy and say, “He’s fast, he’s got a cannon for an arm, he’s got a strong jaw line – dadgummit, that thar boy’s gonna be a star!” It does matter if the guy walks a lot and can hit well or is an awesome fielder or something. Seem obvious? Try telling fans of Darin Erstad. They will tell you that he is awesome because he is intense and used to play football at Nebraska. You will blink, confused, and say, “But he can’t hit well,” and they will say, “HE WAS A PUNTER AT NEBRASKA! HE IS INTENSE AND A LEADER!” and you will slink away because they are spitting on you.

Moneyball is also famous because Joe Morgan rails against it constantly, even today, and on numerous occasions has pronounced it hogwash, despite freely admitting that he has never read it, and also for a long time believing that the book was actually written by Beane himself. When his error was pointed out to him, Morgan apologized profusely, admitted his mistake, rethought his stance, read the book and has now completely changed the way he thinks about statistical analysis. Oh, no – wait. I’m sorry. He didn’t do anything of the kind. He just dug in his heels and continued to claim that the book was hogwash.

Darin Erstad
A former punter at the University of Nebraska who had one good year for the Angels, signed a huge contract, and stinks at baseball, despite the strident arguments of hundreds of sportswriters who continue to talk about how important he is to the Angels and how he’s intense and a leader and the Angels would be nowhere without him. Trust us: he stinks at baseball.

Gallimaufry
A hodgepodge of brief reader e-mails cobbled together when the blogger is feeling too lazy, tired, or preoccupied with Turner Classic Movies to write a proper post. It's a true fact: "gallimaufry" was a word received by one of Junior's competitors in his sixth grade county spelling bee. The dude totally missed it.

“Not Hot-Dogging”
Something that ESPN Baseball Tonight commentator and 11-time Philadelphia Metro-Area Pie Eating Champion John Kruk once said should be a criterion for Baseball Hall of Fame Induction. I swear to God.

Fremulon Insurance
Fremulon Insurance is the employer of one Ken Tremendous. They currently hold offices in Partridge, KS; Los Angeles, CA; and Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Tim McCarver
The Fox Network’s #1 color commentator. And, without question, the worst color commentator in the history of the world, in any sport. By my estimation, Tim McCarver has said 94 of the 100 dumbest things anyone has ever said about baseball, and worse, he tries constantly to be poetic and witty in his speech, a skill I assure you he does not possess, so what you end up getting is a lot of weird puns and aphorisms spewing forth in a lackadaisical Southern drawl. His broadcasts remind me of a bad wedding toast given by a drunk family friend who’s a high school English teacher.

"Clogging up the basepaths."
In a now infamous episode of Baseball Tonight, Harold Reynolds and John Kruk accused players like Frank Thomas of taking too many walks when they should be driving in runs. In their words, "clogging up the basepaths.” We shit you not.

Many Cubs fans have written us to point out that the phrase might more accurately have been coined by Dusty Baker, and there seems to be ample evidence to support their claim. Regardless, it belongs in the Pantheon of Dumb.

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