FJM is a closed forum, but we welcome reader feedback. We're especially interested in corrections of our work, and research (usually number-crunching) that we may not be able to do ourselves. Please check the comments section as well, where we often post readers' opinions, and, less frequently, announce that we were wrong about something.
You can e-mail dak,Ken Tremendous,Junior,Matthew Murbles, or Coach individually.
Don't forget to tune in tonight at 8 on ESPN as clutch actor Michael Chiklis unveils the Pepsi Clutchamacalit or whatever team. Yadier Molina is prominently featured in the promotional video clip on their website, so I assume he will be crowned Mr. Clutch 2006.
I'm personally much more excited about the Shasta Choker Awards and the RC Cola Players Who Performed Pretty Much Like They Always Do In Virtually All Situations, With Some Variations Due to Random Chance Awards, which will, as always, be given to each and every player in major league baseball.
No? Sorta? Yeah, dark days. Anyway, someone needs to explain whether the Associated Press rounds down or doesn't care.
New England (6-1) more than doubled Minnesota's average of allowing 15.8 points per game, setting the tone for an easy victory with an opening drive on which Brady completed all six of his throws for 94 yards.
New England won 31-7.
So...what's going on over at the Arizona Fall League these days?
On Wednesday, July 26, we reported that Harold Reynolds may have taken a female intern out to dinner at Outback Steakhouse. Reynolds now explains, in lawsuit form, that the dinner in fact took place at Boston Market.
We wish to deliver our sincerest apologies to Mr. Reynolds. To allege that he would dine at Outback was a false and malicious attack on his character. Mr. Reynolds clearly enjoys the finer things in life, and never again shall his affinity for delicious double marinated rotisserie chicken be overlooked by this site.
It's been several days since America's Favorite Little Scamp singlehandedly beat the Tigers for the World Series title, not only going 23-22 (he tripled twice in a single at-bat in Game Two) with sixteen doubles, but also throwing three consecutive no-hitters in Games 3-5, despite staying at the stadium late every night to help the concessions crew clean up the grandstands and tutoring his little brother in pre-calc.
In case any of you are wondering, we here at FJM do not hate David Eckstein. What we hate is bad sports journalism, and there has been a lot of it recently. Apparently, nothing brings out the cliche machines faster than a small man who plays sports.
David Eckstein started the World Series 0-11. Did anyone hear anything about how bad Eck was in the clutch? No. No one heard that. If Alex Rodriguez had an 0-11 slump in three playoff games, the hand-wringing and typewriter pounding would have been deafening. How do I know this? Because ARod did do that, and that did happen.
The point is, ARod is a large human, who makes a lot of money. Eck is a small human, who makes less money. Their career performances during the regular season and during the playoffs indicate beyond a shadow of a fraction of a smidgeon of a blorgtion of a flernson of a doubt that Alex Rodriguez is the better player by like eleven standard deviations. And yet: no one writes anything good about ARod these days, and everyone writes good things about Eckstein.
Does no one in the world remember the 2000 ALCS, when ARod was 9-22 with 2HR and put up this line: .409/.480/.773? Does anyone realize that in the last 2 series Eck played in before the NLCS he put up a scrappy little 6-35 with 6 singles? Does anyone care?
Well, we do. Because people love to attack big rich guys, and love to praise small little scrappy guys, no matter what the actual facts of their performances tell us. To wit, here's a quote from former Eckstein coach Joe Maddon, from yet another paean to a little man's big heart. Read the last sentence of the quote like seven times in a row, and try to figure out how this is possible.
"I've always said David was the smartest guy on the field every night, and that included both coaching staffs," Maddon said Friday. "And I've never seen the guy have a bad day. Even if he goes 0-for-4 and makes three errors, he helps you."
I don't trust that you all read that seven times in a row, so:
Even if he goes 0-for-4 and makes three errors, he helps you. Even if he goes 0-for-4 and makes three errors, he helps you. Even if he goes 0-for-4 and makes three errors, he helps you. Even if he goes 0-for-4 and makes three errors, he helps you. Even if he goes 0-for-4 and makes three errors, he helps you. Even if he goes 0-for-4 and makes three errors, he helps you. Even if he goes 0-for-4 and makes three errors, he helps you.
No. No he does not. He does not help you. He hurts you. Anyone who does this in a game hurts you, no matter whether he is 5'7" 165, or 6'4" 230.
I'm sure David Eckstein is an awesome dude. I actually do admire his ability to hang in a league where everyone is bigger than he is. I get the human interest angle. I get it. I really do. Nice work, Eck.
The baseball season is over, now, and although we have a Hot Stove to look forward to, we here at FJM always lament the final days of October, because it's just not as much fun to post dumb things that Michael Irvin says about the Packers, or make jokes about Barry Melrose's mullet. So, we'll keep posting whenever we can, but as a final WS/Eckstein round-up, and to celebrate the end of a great year, here are my favorite responses to the Eckstein Height and Weight Contest. Thanks to all of you who wrote in -- more than 500 of you -- and thanks for being the snarkiest and most consistently amusing reader base a bunch of nerds could ever ask for.
Again, the questions:
1. How tall is David Eckstein? 2. How much does he weigh?
Joe:
1. How tall is David Eckstein? Nelson De La Rosa plus two inches.
2. How much does he weigh? Trick question, David Eckstein does not weight anything. He is composed completely of toughness and grittiness and those have zero weight.
Bob K:
All I *know* for sure is that he plays like he's 7'8" and 425 lbs.
Jeff:
170 cm, 75kg! metric! boo-yeah! i have nothing better to do!
Alex:
Weight: As big as a 15 year old high school chess club president with the arm strength of the president's 9-year-old sister, but the minute you begin to doubt him, you're already out.
Height: Shorter than a pesky annoying toddler, but as soon as you look at Eckstein as an easy out he somehow makes contact with the ball and uses his peskiness to get the centerfielder to trip on wet grass, letting the ball land for a double.
Now, if you'll excuse me I need to get back to my math homework, whereby I calculate everything using only measurements of heart and soul combined with a little hustle. I have an F so far in the class, but that's because the teacher is a geek who thinks numbers are important.
He was only 3'8'' and weighed 49 lbs when he was drafted by the Red Sox, but through grit, hustle, heart, scrappiness, and white-man blue-collar work ethic, he outhustled and outgrinded his genetic code and grew to the height of 5'7'' and the weight of 165 lbs. Sadly, no amount of grit and hustle could undo his terrible skin condition.
D K:
Height: Why the fuck does it matter? The bastard's got GRIT IN HIS FUCKING DNA. Weight: Who fucking cares? He's the toughest player I've ever seen in uniform. THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.
Jeff:
1. How tall is David Eckstein? Scraptastic!!!
2. How much does he weigh? Translucent!
John:
1. 6'5" 2. 270
I may be confusing him with Frank Thomas. But how many World Series MVPs does the Big Hurt have? Exactly.
Anthony:
David Eckstein's height is: Clutch His weight is: Hustle
Evan:
How tall is Eckstein? As tall as his heart is invaluable to the success of all teams everywhere. How much does he weigh? He’s too feisty to get onto a scale.
Joe:
His hustle is 11 feet tall, and his heart weighs 2,461 lbs.
Also, this year his GORP (Grit over replacement player) was an astounding 193.8!
Avinash:
1. Doesn't matter 2. Doesn't matter
When you want to know the size of his heart, then we'll talk.
1. How tall is David Eckstein? 2. How much does he weigh?
The first 10,000 correct responses to these impossible-to-find-answers-to questions will receive a congratulatory e-mail from me, Ken Tremendous, winner of the 2006 David Eckstein Award for Excellence in Underappreciation. E-mail me with the link above. And good luck! Again, there's very little chance you'll be able to find the answers.
We accidentally missed the Eckstein article in one of the most venerable newspapers in human history. Us-a culpa.
Everyfuckingbody finally familiar with the smallness of David Eckstein, and the way he hustles down the line like almost every other major league baseball player? No?
Here are the Cliffs' Notes:
pocket shortstop rosary beads ignited little player who does big things neither was a flashy play workmanlike things that help teams win core player "He's the toughest guy I've ever seen in a uniform" (proving to be the most irresistable quote of 2006 for sportswriters) 5 feet 7 inches baby faced looks like he wandered into the lineup from an American Legion tournament scrappers feisty broke his bat two-out roller "our club responds to how hard he plays" walk-on at the University of Florida puttering along Granderson slipped
Color man Todd Blackledge during ESPN's South Carolina / Tennessee match-up [word for word] :
"I don't know if the numbers really are that, but it feels like we've had a lot of penalties in this game. I mean, I don't know if we've actually had a lot. . ."
Ah, yes. The old Penalty Chill Factor. "There were only six penalties in the game, but if you were announcing, it would have felt more like fourteen."
Here's a guy from San Diego who's really shaking thing's up a little. How? By writing a story about David Eckstein.
built like the batboy little league lightweight throws a baseball as if he were heaving a javelin certified shrimp sawed-off leadoff man pestering presence nothing fancy maximum effort enviable efficiency gritty little gamer inspiration more ambition than aptitude University of Florida walk-on "man of iron" no one would ever mistake Eckstein for a superstar small ball continues to crowd the plate despite accumulated bruises seafood motif
I would have thought this point I'm about to make to be self-evident, but judging from the e-mails we're getting, it may not be. Here goes:
We have nothing against David Eckstein. I don't know if he's a good dude or not; people generally seem to think he's a ruling dude. And hey, I hope he is. I hope he and his wife are very happy and have like 30 dogs and children someday.
This is not about David Eckstien. This is about sportswriters across the country who have all chosen to write the exact same story. This is about bad journalism, and laziness, in the news sources that you pay for. The opportunity cost, if you will, of other great stories from the World Series that we're not reading about, is becoming staggering.
This may not be enjoyable for anyone other than ourselves. I guess, sorry?
And now, onto more Eckshit. This time from Ben Walker of the AP. Eck Time!
biggest little man 5-foot-7 and all banged up true spirit (spirit = "Yankee") "club responds to how hard he plays" little things fairy tale and 5-7 is being generous enthusiasm "guts" extra inches odds have been against Eckstein ever since he was in youth ball "toughest guy I've ever seen in a uniform" hugging
An Examination of the Three Key Senate Races that Could Decide Control of Congress
Just kidding. It's another Eckstein article.
But with an Asian twist: this is from the Taiwanese Taipei Times.
Yes. Our little friend with the big gritty sub-10 VORP has penetrated the hearts of our brothers and sisters half a world away.
Read the article, or read my fun word snipets below. Either way, ni hao, Taipei Times! Huān yíng guāng lín!
Let me tell you about David Eckstein "He had done everything that a lead-off man should do." "He had gotten on base." "He stole second base." "He slid into third on a passed ball by the Braves catcher." "He hit a double." Davy Little All 170cm of him (That metric twist is my favorite part.) Overlook "What he lacks in height, he makes up for with pure ?" "I'm not even sure of the word for it. Heart?" Gumption? Incredible will? Sprint for first base Diving [for a ground ball] Shortstop who never quits Very large shoes Unlikely Unexpected Completely underestimated Faith
I'm Going to Keep Doing This Until Someone Tells Me to Stop
Send your "Stop Doing This" requests to:
Stop Doing This c/o Ken Tremendous FJM Headquarters/Secret Air Force Nerve Gas Project Area 54 Utah, USA
It will take weeks for them to get to our underground government bunker. And in that time, I will link to, and snip words from, thousands of identical articles about David Eckstein, like this one.
Either click the link and read Tom Verducci's version of the same exact thoughts and feelings that every other sportswriter in the free world has expressed in the last few days, or just read my list of words that are taken from said article, below. That will save some time, and I swear you can get the whole meaning of the article from just reading the word list.
David Goliath Faith Imagination Heart Soul 5-foot-7 165 pounds Clean-scrubbed Cub Scout "barely qualifies for a razor" "one of the most clutch players I've ever seen" "Tigers centerfielder Curtis Granderson turned a routine out -- by that pest Eckstein, of course -- into a rally-starting double when he flat out fell in centerfield" (Isn't it amazing how Eckstein continues to receive credit for that, even when the writer of the article always notes how Granderson just flat-out fell down? How is this because of Eckstein being a "pest?") Size [does not matter] Magnitude [of a person's heart] Little dude Little man Role model Good little player Good player Idol Not...big enough to make it Idol Small Stature Very big man
Spirit Overachieving Diminutive Hero "The definition of a clutch player" 5-foot-7 165-pound [He] even contributed to the Tigers' bad luck. (Note: ???) "You can't watch Eckstein play and not smile." Enthusiasm Infectious "...embodies the word undaunted." "...he still looks as if he would be better placed at the American Legion World Series than here. Youthful looks "He may look like a puppy but he plays like a big dog." Toughest "all heart" "His throwing motion is a little odd" Rally starter "the pest" Tenacious "Eckstein fought off good pitches and hit a foul-ball "home run" before finally getting on base with a swinging bunt." Dinker "... fly ball that went for a double when Granderson fell in the seventh." "at his best when it matters the most." Joy
After Billy Ray starts, the first thing we see? America's Paperboy, David Eckstein, bowing his head and solemnly singing along. Someone call Norman Rockwell.
Billy Ray Cyrus' Wikipedia page, on the rivalry between Cyrus and Travis Tritt:
Cyrus and Tritt's rivalry was noted by Tupac Shakur, who saw that the feud elevated the fame of both persons, even the perceived one-hit wonder Cyrus. Shakur was inspired by this to turn on his friend Biggie Smalls---for commercial, not personal success.[citation needed]
"He married actress Ashley Drane -- she's been on "That '70s Show" and "That's So Raven" -- last November and their wedding reception featured an Alice in Wonderland theme."
Verlander looks extremely shaky. And he hasn't looked good all postseason-long. I'm not going to write it off as nerves necessarily, though, as McCarver is doing over and over again.
I mean, in August, he was terrible also, with a 6.83 ERA. Was that also anxiety?
Fatigue could be a factor in Verlander's decline (a 3.01 ERA pre-All Star Break; 4.54 post-ASB). Before this year, he threw 113, 116.1, and 105.2 innings in college and then 130 between the minors and majors last year.
This year, he's thrown 186 innings in the regular season and 15.2 in the playoffs.
But of course, McCarver would have us believe it's youth and inexperience alone.
Full disclosure: yesterday afternoon I injected David Eckstein with four liters of human growth hormone, androstenedione, and a splash of SARS just for kicks.
Player A loves the bright lights of the playoffs. He thrives in the spotlight. He lives for the big moment. He is clutch personified. Player A starts raking as soon as his team makes the postseason. In two playoff series (eight games total), he goes .471/.514/.529 with 5 R and 4 RBI. He's so big-time and fearless he wins the Championship Series MVP award.
Player B shrinks under the bright lights. He gets nervous in the batter's box. He looks tentative. Maybe he needs more playoff experience. In the World Series, Player B embarrasses himself by going 0-15 when his team needs him most. Player B may be the biggest choker mankind has ever known.
In the next comment ... the M. Night Shyamalan twist ending to this riveting tale!
When you make a list of bands whose music you want to stick in for bumps in and out of the World Series, how far down is My Chemical Romance on that list?
For the people at Fox, the answer is third. They are third on the list.
Chris Duncan is an absolute butcher out there. Is this the sloppiest World Series of all time? Discuss (I'm talking to the imaginary people in my brain).
It's a trick question. It's the Dodgers, with 63 wins in 1979. But they only played 110 games, so their winning percentage was way way better.
The truth is, if I'm reading these numbers right, no one has ever won the World Series while playing as poorly as these Cardinals did in the regular season.
Joe starts the Eckstein for MVP talk. Get in line, buddy. Way to get on the bandwagon. I was there years ago, before Eckstein's dad even thought about Eckstein's mom's boobs.
Reader Aaron suggests that PFP stands for Pitcher's Fielding Practice. Which, of course, it does, at least far more than it does for Pitcher Fielding Position.
